Disillusioned_Wife Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I'll start at the beginning. For me, it started with a suspicion in August '10 when I caught videos of a 3D chat he had posted on his alt FB (now I knew about the alt FB, he used it as a clone for Yoville and it was an alt on my FB friend list) that had another woman's avatar naked dancing with his. I said no way, there is no possible way that he could do that to me. I reamed him for the inappropriate video and made him take it down. My girlfriend (platonic, you'll understand why I say this specifically later) even reamed him a good one for it. Nothing more suspicious happened until 2 months later I was looking at phone bills and noticed an American number I didn't recognize and asked him about it. I'm pretty good at micro expressions & body language due to a disability. I'm hearing impaired, significantly so and have been since my mid teens and lets just say he has some pretty wicked big tells when he's lying. I became more hyper alert about his activities online and offline. I guess not enough at that point but I had my suspicions of who this other woman was (oh boy was I right) and "friended" her. Apparently she totally flipped out and was crying and freaking out about his "wife" friending her at that time. I didn't know that then but I was told later. I let 2 months go by thinking I'm just being paranoid. That's 4 months before I decided to really step it up a notch. What caused me to bring it up a notch? One day I passed by him while he was on the computer and he minimized a yahoo IM chat window each time I passed by. The next day while he was at work I put a keylogger on and I started looking through his email where I found more email accounts I hadn't known about. We had both given each other our passwords in the past and permission to use them if we ever felt the need to do so. In the past, we hid nothing from each other, not a thing. EVER. Well I used that permission and was devastated. It seems he had been having a full blown online\offline emotional affair with a woman from Wa. Whilst during that affair he had two other flings as well, short lived but none the less lived. One had been from a year ago (OW didn't know about those two until I told her either) and one had just been 30 days old. It was the 30 day old fling that I had caught him with that day as he hid things from me. However, it's the 18 month long full blown EA with the main OW that really stung the most. Everything from skype chat, Yahoo IM, web cam, phone sex, naked pictures and "jerk off" videos, emails, texting. The whole kit and kaboodle as the saying goes. I confronted him after two days worth of digging. He never denied it, he confessed to what I had as proof. I sat with him and made him deactivate the ALL his clone accounts where I changed the email and passwords myself. I made him delete her without even saying why (I wanted absolute immediate no contact, she didn't deserve a damned explanation though she did demand it). He also did what I call the TT effect of the Truth Trickle effect. I knew he hadn't confessed fully or disclosed everything so I kept digging. He forced me to keep digging by doing the TT. It took me a good 5 months to finally get everything from him. In the meantime I controlled his online presence, his email I checked daily, his networking accounts, anything he had an online presence with. I dictated who was on there and wasn't and he agreed to it. I also did it with his presence there. At the same time, OW went psycho. Through a mutual friend to him and I and her I found out that the day he deleted her and she found out that I caught them she went ballistic. She was calling me the OW, a sk@nk wh@re and disgusting for snooping on him. She quite literally started stalking us as well. Every where online that we were she was there. 3D chats (we play IMVU together), leaving messages on mini planet and emails and IMs, getting what was mutual friends to stalk him and I for her and report back to her. It finally got to the point where she emailed that he owed her an explanation and at least friendship. He let me loose on her and let me answer back (I was actually VERY civil to be honest) instead of him. A month later she tried to make one last ditch effort and I told him to write her an NC message, show it to me first and send it. He did. Since then there has been no NC from her and has been none without my consent (for an NC letter) in 7.5 months. We've ditched all of the old group that were mutual friends since then (one showed her true colors quite vocally too and another b!tched at him that he should have been more secretive and protective of the OW and his relationship - nice morals there). We no longer have that part of the drama since we've cut all ties to all mutual friends and her (and the other two women). The one thing that kills me the most is one statement out of all of this. I had asked him if he had loved her...being that one mutual friend not a part of the original group told me that he always expressed how much he loved me...he had said "I loved her but not like I love you my wife". Total Annihilation (aka TA). His excuse? It was an accident. At least that was the excuse at first. He now admits it was the thrill of it, the newness of it and the fact that he could be anyone he wished to be with her (sic them). I'm at a point where I don't think of "it" as much, I still have my moments and now we're moving on and putting our relationship and marriage first. Every day is a challenge not to think is he with someone else online or offline. Especially if he's late from work (he now only works 2 or 3 days a week). I've been more vocal with my needs as he has. We communicate every day though there are some rough spots. I've come away from this whole experience with a several eye opening things that's for sure. As for the comment on a "platonic girlfriend", he gave me permission to be with other women in the beginning of our relationship because I am a bisexual woman. I never made good on that permission. Why? Because I married him not another woman. I leave this story with this last quote from a good friend of mine from another forum board, she is rather wise in her words: When you change the dynamics of a relationship to deceptive, it doesn't matter what you did, it changes the foundation of that relationship forever. It can never be the same, it will never be the same but you can learn from it and chose to move on or get out.
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