in-knots Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I'm 30, my husband is 25. We have been married for 3 rocky years. While we were dating we had the most beautiful relationship. I could swear we were soul mates and I had no doubt in my mind that we would last forever. Shortly after our wedding everything started to go downhill. He became very lazy, acting like a slob, leaving his clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink and always occupied with playing video games, watching tv or surfing the net. He was no longer interested in having sex, at 1 point we went 2 months without it... Because of all of this i became a constant nag and we were constantly bickering, this went on for just over 1 yr and shortly after our 1 year anniversary is when my world came crashing down on me. One day he just broke out in tears and admitted to me that he was not happy! He said that he was not sure this is what he wanted and he didnt feel any sexual desire for me any more. This absolutely destroyed me! I never imagined it was that bad...i never imagined he could feel that way about me! I am not perfect but i really did try to be a good wife...I cook, I clean, i take care of myself (work-out, wear make-up, etc) I try to do everything to keep him happy but apparently nothing I did was good enough...I felt like I was not good enough! We eventually worked things out and just as I thought things were getting better (1Yr later) he started acting the same way again and this time he actually went out to a club and kissed a girl> he admitted this to me and once again he said he could not be with me. Once again my world came crashing down on me and we decided to sepparate from eachother. I stayed strong and asked him to leave but as soon as he knew I was serious he said that he was ok now and that he was just going through something...He said he wanted to stay together and he loves me and he would do anything to make it work!!! And now here we are again>another year later> He did it to me AGAIN!!!! He started acting lazy, tired and uninterested so I knew something was up...he didnt want to admit it but I forced it out of him. Once again he said "I can't be with you" "I just dont feel the same as I used to, about you". Once again i was destroyed...you would think it would get easier, but each time it kills me more. He says he can't bare to keep doing this to me. So I told him I'm done!!! I will not allow him to keep doing this to me!!! I asked him to find an apartment and recomended that we go speak to our family together to let them know what was happening. He agreed at first then when the day came to talk to his parents he told me that he changed his mind.. That he didnt want to do this< that he loves me and he wants to be with me! He is sooo confused, he says he is unsure about our future and he is afraid to have kids because what if he does this to them. We ended up telling the family and they were devastated (although they knew we had problems in the past). They said we can not give up on eachother and we have to work it out. They suggested councilling etc. My hubby said he will do whatever it takes> he said he will start going to church on Sundays with me and wants to read some self help books. You have to understand my husband is a extremely gorgeous man with sooo much going for him, but has always been very insecure and unsure about everything in his life. I know he really loves me but at this point im not sure if love is enough. My heart is not strong enough to go through this 1 more time and I feel like he is not going to change. I honestly dont hate him for this, I actually feel sorry for him. I know its not his fault that he is this way but I have stuck by him through this 3 times now and i think it's time that I deserve some security in my life, i deserve someone to invest in me as I do in them, I deserve a best friend for life, someone that has the same dreams and goals as me. Im my heart I want to believe that he wants this> I want to believe that he will do whatever it takes. My mind knows better though, it's telling me nothing will change, it's telling me to let go, cut my losses. This happened last night and he has done nothing up to this point to make me think things will be any different this time around. What should I do...stay or walk away? Help:(
jstobo Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Oh my goodness. Three times now? The part you wrote about him no longer feeling the same as he used to. It seems he has always felt the same, unfortunately those feelings haven't been the right ones for you. I am so sorry you are and have gone through this. I'm 9 months after our "talk". Things are better, but far from good. BTW, we are no longer together. Moved apart 4 months ago. Since you don't have kids, I say walk away. Take care of your needs. I don't mean, find another man. I mean, do the things each day you want to do, but leave him behind. Don't let him back so easily. I wish I would have been more laissez faire with my STBX. She probably would have respected me more. Anyway, if this is happening for a third time, it is happening for a real good reason. This is not the man for you to spend the rest of your life with. He is missing something. What that is, who knows. I'm sure he loves you deeply, but another ingredient is missing. You have a tough year ahead of you. But it will lead to a far great life time of happiness.
2sunny Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 seems he's inclined to serve himself. i'm sure he's cheated... he's just minimizing it all. i'd divorce him. he's not thinking of you at all - and not showing consistent loving behavior. he's not the man you thought he COULD be. dig deeper - you will find who he cheated with... there's always evidence left behind if you're willing to look thoroughly.
PegNosePete Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I'd say there's a 99% chance of third part involvement each time he goes like this. Past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour. If he has done this to you 3 times now, how many times do you think he will do it in the next 10, 20 or 30 years? I'll tell you the answer in case it's not obvious: 10, 20 and 30! He will NEVER change because he has no reason to change. Every time you take him back. So he knows he can just keep on doing it again and again and you'll take him back. He is playing you for a fool. Divorce this dude. He is treating you like complete crap and will keep on doing so for as long as you allow him.
KME39 Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Drop him like a bad habit. Seriously if he says it was 3 times, it was most likely more. I am about 5 years older than my hubby and we have constant issues with his extreme laziness and being selfishness.
Forever Learning Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Seek out individual counseling to help yourself navigate your way out of this marriage. I understand the roller coaster phenomenon and your sanity will suffer for it. This guy sounds very immature and self centered, worse yet would be to bring children into this situation as it currently stands. Get INDIVIDUAL counseling to get yourself a plan on how to proceed and go over your options, that way at least you will feel yourself that you gave your marriage a fair shake at the end and clearly understood the reasons you were exiting the relationship. That might save you some guilt in the long run, you strike me as one who would feel long term guilt for leaving him (you are a kind hearted soul, after all, for one). I think it's best you do leave him but I recognize you may need outside professional support in getting there, along with outside validation in your decisions to do so. Good luck to you.
hopesndreams Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I'm 30, my husband is 25. We have been married for 3 rocky years. While we were dating we had the most beautiful relationship. I could swear we were soul mates and I had no doubt in my mind that we would last forever. Shortly after our wedding everything started to go downhill. He became very lazy, acting like a slob, leaving his clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink and always occupied with playing video games, watching tv or surfing the net. He was no longer interested in having sex, at 1 point we went 2 months without it... Because of all of this i became a constant nag and we were constantly bickering, this went on for just over 1 yr and shortly after our 1 year anniversary is when my world came crashing down on me. One day he just broke out in tears and admitted to me that he was not happy! He said that he was not sure this is what he wanted and he didnt feel any sexual desire for me any more. This absolutely destroyed me! I never imagined it was that bad...i never imagined he could feel that way about me! I am not perfect but i really did try to be a good wife...I cook, I clean, i take care of myself (work-out, wear make-up, etc) I try to do everything to keep him happy but apparently nothing I did was good enough...I felt like I was not good enough! We eventually worked things out and just as I thought things were getting better (1Yr later) he started acting the same way again and this time he actually went out to a club and kissed a girl> he admitted this to me and once again he said he could not be with me. Once again my world came crashing down on me and we decided to sepparate from eachother. I stayed strong and asked him to leave but as soon as he knew I was serious he said that he was ok now and that he was just going through something...He said he wanted to stay together and he loves me and he would do anything to make it work!!! And now here we are again>another year later> He did it to me AGAIN!!!! He started acting lazy, tired and uninterested so I knew something was up...he didnt want to admit it but I forced it out of him. Once again he said "I can't be with you" "I just dont feel the same as I used to, about you". Once again i was destroyed...you would think it would get easier, but each time it kills me more. He says he can't bare to keep doing this to me. So I told him I'm done!!! I will not allow him to keep doing this to me!!! I asked him to find an apartment and recomended that we go speak to our family together to let them know what was happening. He agreed at first then when the day came to talk to his parents he told me that he changed his mind.. That he didnt want to do this< that he loves me and he wants to be with me! He is sooo confused, he says he is unsure about our future and he is afraid to have kids because what if he does this to them. We ended up telling the family and they were devastated (although they knew we had problems in the past). They said we can not give up on eachother and we have to work it out. They suggested councilling etc. My hubby said he will do whatever it takes> he said he will start going to church on Sundays with me and wants to read some self help books. You have to understand my husband is a extremely gorgeous man with sooo much going for him, but has always been very insecure and unsure about everything in his life. I know he really loves me but at this point im not sure if love is enough. My heart is not strong enough to go through this 1 more time and I feel like he is not going to change. I honestly dont hate him for this, I actually feel sorry for him. I know its not his fault that he is this way but I have stuck by him through this 3 times now and i think it's time that I deserve some security in my life, i deserve someone to invest in me as I do in them, I deserve a best friend for life, someone that has the same dreams and goals as me. Im my heart I want to believe that he wants this> I want to believe that he will do whatever it takes. My mind knows better though, it's telling me nothing will change, it's telling me to let go, cut my losses. This happened last night and he has done nothing up to this point to make me think things will be any different this time around. What should I do...stay or walk away? Help:( Soul mates? Phoooey! No such thing. He wasn't happy? Oh, boooohoooo!! No one, not you, not him should look to someone else to MAKE THEM HAPPY! You cannot make someone happy and if you do, eventually your magic of making someone happy will fizzle. That's when the person that is looking for happiness from someone else, turns tail and runs, and usually, if not always, into the arms of someone who promises such happiness. Not good enough? Hey, we all feel this way when our significant other, who we love and cherish sucker punches us. Never let anyone make you feel like garbage. Tell him, smarten up, love me and respect me, otherwise, out the door buddy! You are not the one walking away, he is. Don't forget that.
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