Intimacy!!

[Sexy4Me]

Wow Blueknight, your last comment about his jealousy or lack thereof struck a chord...I was just wondering the other day if he would show any concern if he knew another man was interested in me. I agree, his response would be very revealing...if he shows no concern, then I would have to concede that I have been relegated to the dreaded "friend zone."

 

About the porn, I have not snooped to find out, not sure how I feel about that. In the past, I found it by accident when I went into the computer history to find a site I had recently visited.

 

I don't think he is gay, that seems to be the least likely of the options, but I have to keep it open as a possibility.

 

We married this June, we had previously lived together in a different state for four years, during which we had 1.5 years of great sex, then it dwindled to nearly nothing for the remainder of our time there. At this time, I felt anxious and insecure and responded accordingly, which I am not proud of. I always tried talking about it to no avail. Then, we decided to move back to our home state, and we lived apart until we were married, for about 9 months. While we lived apart, he wanted sex practically every time we were together. That fact shows me that this is very likely, as you said, a familiarity issue. Now he has me whenever he wants me, and he just doesn't want me. The challenge is gone. However, we are apart most of the time, as we work completely opposite schedules, so I am definitely not available to him 24/7.

[Sexy4Me]

If you have the time sexy, go to my original posting under "marital expectations" and you'll see where my problem was and what others had to offer.

 

As you yourself pointed out, there are many out here with polar opposite sex lives which is sad really. The thing is, most relationships start with hot and heavy sex almost universally. Nobody is unrealistic enough to think that sex twice a day during those courting periods is going to continue well into the relationship. But at the same time, I think 3 to 5 times a week can be perfectly normal and desirable when you consider all the other useless nonsense that people fill their schedules with. How can those things be more important than each other and meeting each others sexual and physical needs?

 

Besides, you don't even have kids and that for a lot of relationships is the sex breaker unfortunately.

 

Actually I don't know that I deserve kudos for my wife and I. I was communicating the issue for 15 years and she'd respond with a change here or there, but within a week she'd return to her old habits of being passive about sex. She never turned me down. She just never showed me that she needed it. But when I'd touch her she warmed up quickly and became sexually responsive in a very short time. I just needed more. I needed someone who showed me she was occasionally interested and not just "responsive" all the time. As I'm sure you know, that doesn't leave you feeling very good whether you're male or female.

 

It finally took me snapping and being willing to leave the relationship before reality hit her. I still can't believe that I got to that point. Didn't see it coming.

 

I'm hoping things stay good. Right now sex is very regular. My wife could go two to three weeks without showing any interest previously. Now, she's coming to bed showing interest three or four times a week, including the last couple of nights. I'm loving life again!

 

Now, back to your issue. What do you mean by feeling rejected? Are you saying you flat out tell him you want sex and he spurns you? Or are you talking about when you try to get sexual with him and he turns over or just ignores you?

 

Thanks for the reference Blueknight, I would love to read your original post to see your entire situation. I am so glad that you are loving life again, you deserve to! And as frustrating as it is, I want my husband to love life too, even if that means without me. I don't know how one can fully love and experience life if they are married to someone they do not desire, and I certainly cannot love life if I do not feel wanted and desired by my husband.

 

As for the rejection, I never come right out and ask for sex, but I give clear signals without being overtly aggressive. The rejection is usually him just lying there with no response.

 

Also, I wanted to add about porn, I enjoy it myself and I feel it is healthy to explore one's sexuality through porn, as long as it does not replace one's spouse. I know some couples believe it has no place in a committed relationship, but I disagree, it can be fun as long as it is shared, not kept a secret.

 

Thank you for your keen insight and objective responses!

[The Blue Knight]

sexy, I don't mean you're available 24/7 literally, but more in the "I know she'll take it from me whenever I'm interested" ideal.

 

For some guys (I'm not one of them but I know many) the excitement is in the hunt and the conquering. Once they've landed the woman in bed for some time, their interest may wane.

 

Have you ever watched a house cat chase a rodent? Oftentimes they catch a mouse or other rodent so easily that they begin to lose interest. The cat just sits there looking around like, "Is that all there is?" and bats them around playfully a bit with their paws but ultimately, the chase is over and the cat is now losing interest.

 

Sorry, the rodent comparison isn't directed at you. It's just an analogy. I just grew up with cats and dogs as a kid and that particular aspect of a cat's behavior always fascinated me.

 

For some guys they can date a girl for six months and strongly pursue her. Once it's reached the bedroom and he's done all that he thinks he wants to do with her sexually, he's ready to move on. For other guys this lasts longer, maybe even a few years before the boredom or the idea of a new goal sets in. I don't know your husbands past or how many women he was with. I do know this . . . I happen to believe in the Baskin Robbins theory which is that the man who has tried all 31 flavors has a hard time settling for just one flavor once married. That may even apply to women, I don't know.

 

Conversely, on the flip side, it may not even be related to him being with a lot of different women in his past. As I stated previously, he may just be bored because the hunt and the conquering is over. He sees you as caught and therefore not worthy of being pursued any longer because you're now "available."

 

Don't ask me to explain the psychology here. I never subscribed to it myself, but I'm a one-woman man and I like it that way. But I've known many men over the years who do unconsciously behave this way.

 

The way to tell for sure is to get close to some guy (how you accomplish that, or if you want to make one up out of thin air is up to you) and then see how he reacts to it. If he's jealous and irritated then he unconsciously views you as a challenge again to be pursued. It's sick I know! Nobody should have to jump through such ridiculous hoops to find out where their spouse is at with them. But what else can you do if he won't give you straight answers when you sit down and talk with him?

 

Wow Blueknight, your last comment about his jealousy or lack thereof struck a chord...I was just wondering the other day if he would show any concern if he knew another man was interested in me. I agree, his response would be very revealing...if he shows no concern, then I would have to concede that I have been relegated to the dreaded "friend zone."

 

About the porn, I have not snooped to find out, not sure how I feel about that. In the past, I found it by accident when I went into the computer history to find a site I had recently visited.

 

I don't think he is gay, that seems to be the least likely of the options, but I have to keep it open as a possibility.

 

We married this June, we had previously lived together in a different state for four years, during which we had 1.5 years of great sex, then it dwindled to nearly nothing for the remainder of our time there. At this time, I felt anxious and insecure and responded accordingly, which I am not proud of. I always tried talking about it to no avail. Then, we decided to move back to our home state, and we lived apart until we were married, for about 9 months. While we lived apart, he wanted sex practically every time we were together. That fact shows me that this is very likely, as you said, a familiarity issue. Now he has me whenever he wants me, and he just doesn't want me. The challenge is gone. However, we are apart most of the time, as we work completely opposite schedules, so I am definitely not available to him 24/7.

[The Blue Knight]

You see sexy, that isn't normal "man behavior" in my opinion. You're flirting with him and putting yourself out there for him and he's just lying there with no response? I think it's the case of "the conquering" based on what I'm getting back from you. Giatto can weigh in here but that's how it's coming across to me.

 

Regarding porn, some people use it as couples and others would have nothing to do with it. I think for men, and perhaps women, porn (especially now that it's readily available on your computer) porn is often a replacement when the spouse isn't into sex as much as we'd like them to be.

 

As for the rejection, I never come right out and ask for sex, but I give clear signals without being overtly aggressive. The rejection is usually him just lying there with no response.

 

Also, I wanted to add about porn, I enjoy it myself and I feel it is healthy to explore one's sexuality through porn, as long as it does not replace one's spouse. I know some couples believe it has no place in a committed relationship, but I disagree, it can be fun as long as it is shared, not kept a secret.

 

Thank you for your keen insight and objective responses!

[The Blue Knight]

And truthfully, my ex-wife was very available and often pursued me so I never saw her as a challenge either. I can't say that I ever lost interest in her sexually, but I know exactly what you're saying. It becomes rather passe when you know she's willing and able at all times. Perhaps giotto you're paying the price now for taking it for granted back then?

 

that's a good point. I can tell you that, before I met my wife, I had a girlfriend who wanted it all the time. We are talking stuff like giving blow jobs when walking in the woods... yes, it was great at the beginning, but then I got a bit tired of it... it just loses its appeal. It's like overdosing on cider when you are a teenager and then not be able to drink it anymore, ever... yes, it's a bit of a British thing (although I'm not British)... so, it kind of makes sense...

[Sexy4Me]

Blue, you are most likely right about the availability thing, it makes total sense. However, I have to ask, why would a man like that ever propose to a woman? It seems awfully unfair. Of course, you can also ask why would I say "yes" when we had this problem before. Can't argue with that logic, but at the same time, the fresh upstart of great sex began anew after we moved back to our home state, so I really thought it was a case of ebb and flow...LONG ebb, to be sure.

 

Blue and Giotto, you have helped just by sharing in the commiseration, but especially your advice.

[Sexy4Me]

Along with the proposal question, here is another:

 

How can I broach the subject of this with him, I mean now that I know the cause is very likely that I am no longer a challenge for him? What would be a good way of going about addressing that? Is that even something he could overcome?

 

I guess the thing that hurts the most is that he would even have make an effort to desire me again. I want his desire for me to be effortless and natural, and if he has to work for it, I really don't want it at all, to be honest. I am getting to the point where my desire for him is beginning to wane, because it is very difficult to be attracted to a spouse who treats you more like a friend or sister than a wife.

[The Blue Knight]

My dear, I don't know your hubby that I can say for certain. Sometimes it's a possession issue. If he marries you, you're his. End of story. You may have said yes, believing things would change once married. People all have motives that they don't even admit to themselves.

 

Blue, you are most likely right about the availability thing, it makes total sense. However, I have to ask, why would a man like that ever propose to a woman? It seems awfully unfair. Of course, you can also ask why would I say "yes" when we had this problem before. Can't argue with that logic, but at the same time, the fresh upstart of great sex began anew after we moved back to our home state, so I really thought it was a case of ebb and flow...LONG ebb, to be sure.

 

Blue and Giotto, you have helped just by sharing in the commiseration, but especially your advice.

[The Blue Knight]

sexy,

I don't know to what extent you've already covered this issue with your hubby. To me it's a psychological mindset. He may not even realize it to be honest. Yes, he could overcome it if he realizes how important you are to him and how every day is a gift not to be wasted, and that every lovemaking session is one more chance to exchange the very best of fantastic mutual pleasure with the woman he loves.

 

BUT he has to realize these things. If he's in "take her for granted" mode snapping him out of it will be tough.

 

In cases like yours it seems eventually another man comes along and peaks the females interest and before you know it she's leaving her husband. You love your hubby and you don't want it to reach that point obviously.

 

Your second paragraph sounds identical to my viewpoint of my wife. I never wanted it forced or unnatural. If it's not there, it's not there. But if it is, then use it to explore our mutual sexual attraction toward one another.

 

But as you point out, being treated like you're in a platonic relationship with someone you love and desire probably hurts as much as anything except maybe when they have an affair on you. That probably hurts a bit more.

 

If past discussions have led to no improvements and you feel like you've exhausted your options you may have to lay your cards on the table and tell him things need to change or you're gone. You don't have kids so that's a HUGE benefit for you. Many people have to stay due to children.

 

I know for me, the day it hit me that I couldn't go on like I was I told my wife via email that I loved her but that I couldn't do another 15 years like the previous 15, where I felt like the only one in the relationship who had any desire or libido. I just finally hit a breaking point. She's a great mother, and in many ways a great wife, but most of all a great person. But that day it hit me that all of those things weren't enough to make it last another 15 years. I needed someone who needed me sexually and I needed the passion that I missed sorely.

 

I don't recall if you posted your age sexy, but don't put years and years into this if it's not going to improve. Find a way to either make him come around or consider moving on. I hate to sound cold-hearted but I don't think it's fair for someone to get married and then expect their spouse to simply accept a non-sexual and distant relationship. It's highly unfair and very selfish to be frank. I would assume there are plenty of men out there who would love to be with you. So he's effectively holding you back from happiness with someone else.

Along with the proposal question, here is another:

 

How can I broach the subject of this with him, I mean now that I know the cause is very likely that I am no longer a challenge for him? What would be a good way of going about addressing that? Is that even something he could overcome?

 

I guess the thing that hurts the most is that he would even have make an effort to desire me again. I want his desire for me to be effortless and natural, and if he has to work for it, I really don't want it at all, to be honest. I am getting to the point where my desire for him is beginning to wane, because it is very difficult to be attracted to a spouse who treats you more like a friend or sister than a wife.

[Sexy4Me]

Blue, thank you for the advice. I am 35 years old, he is 34. I am going to give the talk one more try. I am at the point where I am ready to sleep in a separate room and treat our current situation honestly, we are living as friends and roommates. I have a hard time pretending we are doing so great together when we are not, and I hope that this will send him a message that I am fed up, if my words are not enough.

[The Blue Knight]

ORRRRRRRRRRR, shoot him a long email so there's no interruptions and excuses tossed back at you. Express yourself honestly and the frustrations you feel. Tell him that you're available to talk after he reads what you write, but that short of him making some necessary changes, you don't intend to stay around for the long haul.

 

I did it via email. Not because I was afraid to speak to my wife but it hit me when I was at work and that's when I decided to get it off my chest in the sense that we can't continue as a couple if it's going to remain like this. It also gives you a chance to read what you're writing so you are expressing yourself accurately and directly. And finally, it keeps him from spinning what you said to him because it's in writing. Just a thought.

 

Blue, thank you for the advice. I am 35 years old, he is 34. I am going to give the talk one more try. I am at the point where I am ready to sleep in a separate room and treat our current situation honestly, we are living as friends and roommates. I have a hard time pretending we are doing so great together when we are not, and I hope that this will send him a message that I am fed up, if my words are not enough.

[giotto]

Perhaps giotto you're paying the price now for taking it for granted back then?

 

different lady...