Intimacy!!

[helloisay]

How often do most married couples have sex? I love my wife but having sex about once a month is not satisfying. I do not want sex with anyone except my wife. I simply do not understand how one can go an entire month without any desire for intimacy. I have tried almost everything. Housework, flowers, surprise vacation to Jamaica, running the children around etc etc. Not sure what else to try, all ideas welcome.

[The Blue Knight]

I just posted the other day under "marital expectations" and as a married man of nearly 15 years, no I don't think it's normal to have sexual relations once a month. I asked for females to comment on my post because I wanted some insight from them on my wife's lacking interest.

 

For my money, once a month is ridiculous. Even once a week is ridiculous. I have friends who are single who manage to hop into bed with a different woman every week. I'm not looking for that and never have. But as a married man is it too much to expect to have normal healthy sexual and intimate relationship with the woman you're in love with?

[Afishwithabike]

This seems to be a popular topic on this board. Here are two previous discussions.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t271086/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t279999/?highlight=week

 

I'd say we do it 2-3 times a week, but there have been times recently where we've done it twice a day. It's rare we go a week without doing it though. We've been married for a decade.

 

What helps? My husband is in good shape and has always been in shape. He's maintained himself over the years. I feel motivated to keep myself in shape for that reason. I just need to look at him to get in the mood.

 

It hasn't always been sunshine, flowers and unicorns. We've had lulls, ebbs in our desire, but that had more to do with work, family obligations, household chores, etc. The more he helped me out, the less burdened I felt and I was more in the mood.

 

You've mentioned the things you've done so far, but have you sat down and really had an open, honest talk about how you feel about this?

 

Rule out any medical causes like side effects from prescription medications, low thyroid problems, depression, hormonal issues, etc.

Edited July 28, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[Afishwithabike]

How often do most married couples have sex? I love my wife but having sex about once a month is not satisfying. I do not want sex with anyone except my wife. I simply do not understand how one can go an entire month without any desire for intimacy. I have tried almost everything. Housework, flowers, surprise vacation to Jamaica, running the children around etc etc. Not sure what else to try, all ideas welcome.

 

How old are you? How old is she?

 

How long have you been married?

 

Was the frequency good from the start? Is the low frequency a new development?

[helloisay]

Each 44 married for 17 years. Frequency was about 3-5 time a week before children. Flat ever since. I think I was fooling myself into thinking one time a month was normal, but now I must admit to myself it is not.

[Feelin Frisky]

OP, are you "intimate" with her in other ways. Sometimes people have different ideas of what intimacy means and they get contentious when the two aren't in sync. Intimacy is not just sex. It's really just about caring and sharing on the most honest levels about feelings and wants. That carries over into sex. Does she feel that you're connecting with her on those nuances? Or does one or both not behave that way in the relationship? Intimacy is hard to "catch up with" once it's been pittered away. It takes both parties to WANT to grow toward each other. If you go this route you should be able to find out what her issues are and she yours.

[Sexy4Me]

Helloisay, I feel your pain, except I am a wife whose husband shows zero interest. I am 35, he is 34. The first 1.5 years of our relationship were sizzling hot, I believed we were the most sexually compatible beings ever united...then we hit a dry spell, months long, and it crushed me as I never stopped wanting it. I have not put on weight, always am told I am beautiful enough to be a model (sorry I am not bragging, just stating the truth), stay fit, am very intelligent and lead an exciting life outside of our relationship. Thought I did everything I possibly could, and that is when I realized he has the problem. I know he looked at porn for sometime, but we have not had the internet for several months and he still doesn't initiate. We have been together 6 years, married for the past three months. Yes, we are sexless newlyweds. I no longer become anxious about the issue, as I did before. Now, I just keep myself feeling sexy by working out, meticulously grooming, dressing nice, wearing pretty lingerie, etc. every day. It is important to my own self esteem that I stay attractive and know that I am bigger than this problem, and I will survive regardless of the outcome. Oh, and talking to him has never worked, he dismisses my concerns since he doesn't consider it a problem.

[The Blue Knight]

sexy, something seems grossly wrong with what you're describing. Are there health or medical issues he's dealing with that you're not talking about? Seems awfully funny that you're describing yourself as being plenty attractive and sexually interested and he's just out to lunch. Something has to be missing here. It's not adding up.

 

Helloisay, I feel your pain, except I am a wife whose husband shows zero interest. I am 35, he is 34. The first 1.5 years of our relationship were sizzling hot, I believed we were the most sexually compatible beings ever united...then we hit a dry spell, months long, and it crushed me as I never stopped wanting it. I have not put on weight, always am told I am beautiful enough to be a model (sorry I am not bragging, just stating the truth), stay fit, am very intelligent and lead an exciting life outside of our relationship. Thought I did everything I possibly could, and that is when I realized he has the problem. I know he looked at porn for sometime, but we have not had the internet for several months and he still doesn't initiate. We have been together 6 years, married for the past three months. Yes, we are sexless newlyweds. I no longer become anxious about the issue, as I did before. Now, I just keep myself feeling sexy by working out, meticulously grooming, dressing nice, wearing pretty lingerie, etc. every day. It is important to my own self esteem that I stay attractive and know that I am bigger than this problem, and I will survive regardless of the outcome. Oh, and talking to him has never worked, he dismisses my concerns since he doesn't consider it a problem.

[xxoo]

Once a month seems very distant to me. I don't know about "normal" or "abnormal", but it sounds miserable. Sadly, miserable is likey part of the "normal" range of marriage.

 

What goes on the rest of the month? How much touching, kissing, flirting? Is it all just....distant?

 

We have sex of some kind pretty much whenever we can manage it. Our kids have left the "little kid" stage, and we are enjoying their relative independence VERY much

 

Many couples never recover after the baby/small child stage, and I'd really like to understand more about why that happens. Did you have many conflicts about sex or chores in the early years of parenting?

[The Blue Knight]

xxoo, that last paragraph you wrote describes a lot of couples but I put that one on the mother's in most cases. They often gravitate toward motherhood and nurturing duties and forget that the man in their life is supposed to be the first and foremost love of their lives. I've seen this happen numerous times. My sister did this to her husband. For the most part he didn't exist after the kids were born. Marriage finally ended in an affair and he bolted.

 

Once a month seems very distant to me. I don't know about "normal" or "abnormal", but it sounds miserable. Sadly, miserable is likey part of the "normal" range of marriage.

 

What goes on the rest of the month? How much touching, kissing, flirting? Is it all just....distant?

 

We have sex of some kind pretty much whenever we can manage it. Our kids have left the "little kid" stage, and we are enjoying their relative independence VERY much

 

Many couples never recover after the baby/small child stage, and I'd really like to understand more about why that happens. Did you have many conflicts about sex or chores in the early years of parenting?

[xxoo]

xxoo, that last paragraph you wrote describes a lot of couples but I put that one on the mother's in most cases. They often gravitate toward motherhood and nurturing duties and forget that the man in their life is supposed to be the first and foremost love of their lives. I've seen this happen numerous times. My sister did this to her husband. For the most part he didn't exist after the kids were born. Marriage finally ended in an affair and he bolted.

 

I am familiar with this. In fact, I DID this to a point. And I think it should be expected, to a point. My husband supported it, rather than fighting it, and it passed as the babies grew more independent.

 

This could easily be a huge source of resentment for both mother and father if there is a difference of perspective. Important note--it can be a source of resentment for the MOTHER, as well, if her baby-myopia is challenged in the early months.

[giotto]

I am familiar with this. In fact, I DID this to a point. And I think it should be expected, to a point. My husband supported it, rather than fighting it, and it passed as the babies grew more independent.

 

This could easily be a huge source of resentment for both mother and father if there is a difference of perspective. Important note--it can be a source of resentment for the MOTHER, as well, if her baby-myopia is challenged in the early months.

 

I think it happened to us as well, but I was supportive and did lots for the baby and the mother, with every single one of them. Looking after my wife and getting up in the middle of the night when my wife stopped breastfeeding to prepare the milk bottles, and so on... always cooked and cleaned. But she went off sex and, despite all my efforts in helping her, her libido never came back and then it became a bone of contention (no pun intended... ). So, yes, it does happen. It's important to communicate, but then the other person needs to be prepared to communicate, That's where it went wrong for us. Resentment followed...

[Sexy4Me]

Blueknight, I agree, something has to be missing. I know I am not the only attractive, sexually interested female who is being rejected by her husband, I have read way too many cases similar to mine. So what is going on with these guys? It is probably different for every individual, but I just wish I knew what it was with my husband. Going to try talking to him again, I just hope that it goes better than it has in the past. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, I am way too passionate of a person to stifle that part of me. We don't have children yet, so I know it isn't that.

[xxoo]

So, yes, it does happen.

 

I agree, it can happen even if the H is supportive.

 

But I do object to the H as "foremost" love in the first few months with a new baby. My H would, too.

[giotto]

Blueknight, I agree, something has to be missing. I know I am not the only attractive, sexually interested female who is being rejected by her husband, I have read way too many cases similar to mine. So what is going on with these guys? It is probably different for every individual, but I just wish I knew what it was with my husband. Going to try talking to him again, I just hope that it goes better than it has in the past. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, I am way too passionate of a person to stifle that part of me. We don't have children yet, so I know it isn't that.

 

1) he is having an affair (sorry, someone had to mention it... )

 

2) he's lost interest in you physically (it happens, even if you are fit and attractive)

 

3) he's lost interest in you mentally and intellectually

 

4) he is gay (again, someone had to mention it... )

 

5) he has developed issues of some sort/he is suffering from past issues

 

6) He was addicted to porn, so maybe now he can't relate to "normal" sex anymore

[giotto]

 

But I do object to the H as "foremost" love in the first few months with a new baby. My H would, too.

 

I object to that too... I was talking about 3 months after giving birth...

[Sexy4Me]

Oh, and Helloisay, I think all married couples differ in their frequency, but we all seem to agree that once a month or less is not "normal" or enough. My husband and I have gone at least two months now with none, but we do have a great relationship otherwise. Unfortunately, it is just a great friendship.

[Sexy4Me]

Thanks for those options giotto, I agree, it has to be one of those. I know that even though I keep myself attractive and even though he once found me very attractive, that can go away. Nothing is certain except death and taxes, huh?

[The Blue Knight]

Between both my wives and several kids I never experienced this. We enjoyed the babies together and I always helped out with the nightly feedings and other baby-related things. I probably changed more diapers than both of them anyway.

 

But I can honestly say that both my first wife and my wife today never left me feeling like I was seconds to the kids, even as infants. It goes without saying that newborns and toddlers obviously add more responsibilities to your life and the daily grind. Any husband should know that going in. But I'm thankful that I never experienced the "retired stud" syndrome.

 

My sister's deal was so bizarre it was almost unreal. Both she and her husband were together a few years before they had kids and she treated the boyfriend / husband like there was just the two of them in the world and nobody else.

 

About a decade into the relationship they had their first child and she dropped him like a hot potato. He became the bread winner and the only sex he got after that was when she wanted a second child. Otherwise, he was like a bull put out to pasture.

 

The fact that my sister couldn't see that coming was uncanny. But she was smug about it and stated at one point that "he'd never divorce me" which of course turned out to be stupidly unprophetic.

 

At least you caught it xxoo although I'm not sure how long it lasted with you and your hubby. But as you said, it passed for you. With my sister and a couple others I know, it didn't pass. It was the new lifestyle stamped in concrete. I don't know of any man who is going to wait for kids to grow into their early teenage years before they get back the wife they married, if they do at all.

 

I am familiar with this. In fact, I DID this to a point. And I think it should be expected, to a point. My husband supported it, rather than fighting it, and it passed as the babies grew more independent.

 

This could easily be a huge source of resentment for both mother and father if there is a difference of perspective. Important note--it can be a source of resentment for the MOTHER, as well, if her baby-myopia is challenged in the early months.

[The Blue Knight]

sexy, I know of a couple just like this. After 20 years it appears the marriage is coming to an end. Not just for that reason but that is a point of contention. According to him she's got an incredible non-stop libido while his tapered off many years ago. He used to complain to me about how she "wanted it" all the time.

 

My own wife had a very diminished libido at the time as do many men's wives so I of course was wanting to shake him up physically and stomp on him for being so stupid. I'd say to him, do you realize what you have? Your wife is 1 in 1000 and your complaining because she wants sex all the time!

 

With their breakup in progress I feel like the guy who meets his wife and is able to establish a relationship with her is going to feel like he died and went to heaven. Not many like her.

 

I do have a theory however that when men marry women with high libido's the men lose interest somewhat later in the relationship because the "challenge" is no longer there and because "it's" available 24/7, sex becomes regulated to the unimportant file of life. That might be your husband as well. I can't prove that but I suspect that's part of the psychology of these men.

 

The only thing is it happened awfully quick in your relationship and as you pointed out there are no children involved. I feel your pain. I'm a passionate, sensual, and sexual person as well. That's how I got on LS this past summer. My wife was very passive about sex . . . very take it or leave it. Still loving, but never really initiated sex ever. Responded but never initiated. That was my primary hangup. I felt like I had to always do the pursuing and that she wasn't very interested. I finally got on LS to get some advise and actually xxoo and giatto shared with me during that thread.

 

In my case I didn't plan it but I finally snapped in late July and told my wife I just wanted to head in different directions. I loved her but I couldn't take another 15 years of feeling like sex was "take it or leave it" with her. I'm still shocked that I got to that point because I'm not an advocate of divorce.

 

Anyway, she came around and for a variety of reasons that she tried to reasoned to me she had issues with being the aggressor. Anyway, she turned it around and for the past two months she's been far more assertive and the initiator of sex so that now we both contribute an active interest in each other physically.

 

I'm hoping things don't change because everything about our relationship is much better now.

 

Anyway, regarding your problem and my theory. Assuming you haven't done this already, if you showed no interest in him sexually, does he respond differently?

Blueknight, I agree, something has to be missing. I know I am not the only attractive, sexually interested female who is being rejected by her husband, I have read way too many cases similar to mine. So what is going on with these guys? It is probably different for every individual, but I just wish I knew what it was with my husband. Going to try talking to him again, I just hope that it goes better than it has in the past. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, I am way too passionate of a person to stifle that part of me. We don't have children yet, so I know it isn't that.

[The Blue Knight]

There's enough love to go around xxoo. I'm not talking about sexual love. Women need a cooling off period after childbirth and much of that is for physical recovery and healing reasons obviously.

 

I don't know if other guys were like me, but I had no sexual interest after the kids were born. Took about a month before my sexual interest began to come back. I don't know if a month is normal for most men or not but it seemed like the only times in my life that my libido was in turn-off mode. Of course I only lasted 5 days after my own snip-page when the doctor had told me to wait two weeks. I was kind of anxious to test the new equipment.

 

During that four weeks though I saw my wife in a beautiful way and more as a nurturer during that period immediately after coming home from the hospital. I think that's God's way of installing in a husband the concept of let your wife be for that short time.

 

But with regard to your comment, I'm talking about emotionally the wife and husband are supposed to be #1 in each others lives. I've always adored my kids from the moment they were born. But my wife has to always be #1 because those kids wouldn't exist if we didn't meet and fall in love. Once one of you loses sight of that fact and if it persists for too long it can leave the husband / father feeling like a third wheel. As I said I never experienced that but I know many men who did and it creates resentment after too long of a period. The other risk is that the father may begin to resent the child who in his mind replaced him emotionally and lovingly and nobody wants to see the bond of father and child diminished.

 

My wife loved being a mom to the babies, then toddlers, and then school-age kids. But she never left me feeling like I was non-existent or unimportant during those times. We took care of the kids together and still do. If it's done right, it brings you closer to each other I believe. Like giatto, I was always there to help with the kids when they were newborns. My wife didn't breast feed so for the couple weeks she was home and I was off on maternity leave I got up and fed the babies at night so she could relax and catch up on her sleep. I figured she carried them for 9 months, that was my small contribution.

 

I agree, it can happen even if the H is supportive.

 

But I do object to the H as "foremost" love in the first few months with a new baby. My H would, too.

[Sexy4Me]

Blueknight, your last post really made me feel better! Especially about the initiating part, I am like you, I don't mind initiating as I am very in touch with my sensual side, but if it is always me coming onto him, I definitely feel less feminine. You really made me feel less alone by discussing that. I prefer a more balanced approach, I would love it if he would initiate at least half the time. I have stopped initiating, haven't initiated for about 5 weeks, and we are still sexless. I have decided to just stop initiating period, as I am likely to be rejected and it just isn't worth the pain. I am so happy for you that you and your wife were able to turn your relationship around for the better, that is highly commendable! Kudos to you for communicating the issue to her in a way that evoked a positive response! Now if I can just do that...

[giotto]

I do have a theory however that when men marry women with high libido's the men lose interest somewhat later in the relationship because the "challenge" is no longer there and because "it's" available 24/7, sex becomes regulated to the unimportant file of life. That might be your husband as well. I can't prove that but I suspect that's part of the psychology of these men.

 

that's a good point. I can tell you that, before I met my wife, I had a girlfriend who wanted it all the time. We are talking stuff like giving blow jobs when walking in the woods... yes, it was great at the beginning, but then I got a bit tired of it... it just loses its appeal. It's like overdosing on cider when you are a teenager and then not be able to drink it anymore, ever... yes, it's a bit of a British thing (although I'm not British)... so, it kind of makes sense...

[The Blue Knight]

It's true that people can change but that seems awfully fast to me sexy.

 

The affair seems unlikely because you say that you both get along great otherwise and my experience with people in affairs is that they generally have ripples and complications in their marriage after the affair begins. Besides, didn't you say you married him when the sex had cooled off considerably? Seems implausible that he's going to be in an affair and then get married to someone else. Or did I misunderstand you?

 

The gay angle, I'm not sure. I have a hard time relating to the idea of being attracted to another man. I would think that someone who is gay would show signs of such behavior early on in the relationship but then I'm not exactly an expert on how successful gay men are at passing themselves off as straight. I know it happens however.

 

The porn angle is possible. I've heard of men who get so addicted to porn that they can't have normal sexual relationships afterward without heavy duty counseling. Do you see any signs of porn around the house or on the computer?

 

Just out of curiosity, if you were to get close to another guy, do you have any idea how he'd react? Is he the jealous type? Or could he care less? That type of information to me would tell you much about where he's at.

 

Thanks for those options giotto, I agree, it has to be one of those. I know that even though I keep myself attractive and even though he once found me very attractive, that can go away. Nothing is certain except death and taxes, huh?

[The Blue Knight]

If you have the time sexy, go to my original posting under "marital expectations" and you'll see where my problem was and what others had to offer.

 

As you yourself pointed out, there are many out here with polar opposite sex lives which is sad really. The thing is, most relationships start with hot and heavy sex almost universally. Nobody is unrealistic enough to think that sex twice a day during those courting periods is going to continue well into the relationship. But at the same time, I think 3 to 5 times a week can be perfectly normal and desirable when you consider all the other useless nonsense that people fill their schedules with. How can those things be more important than each other and meeting each others sexual and physical needs?

 

Besides, you don't even have kids and that for a lot of relationships is the sex breaker unfortunately.

 

Actually I don't know that I deserve kudos for my wife and I. I was communicating the issue for 15 years and she'd respond with a change here or there, but within a week she'd return to her old habits of being passive about sex. She never turned me down. She just never showed me that she needed it. But when I'd touch her she warmed up quickly and became sexually responsive in a very short time. I just needed more. I needed someone who showed me she was occasionally interested and not just "responsive" all the time. As I'm sure you know, that doesn't leave you feeling very good whether you're male or female.

 

It finally took me snapping and being willing to leave the relationship before reality hit her. I still can't believe that I got to that point. Didn't see it coming.

 

I'm hoping things stay good. Right now sex is very regular. My wife could go two to three weeks without showing any interest previously. Now, she's coming to bed showing interest three or four times a week, including the last couple of nights. I'm loving life again!

 

Now, back to your issue. What do you mean by feeling rejected? Are you saying you flat out tell him you want sex and he spurns you? Or are you talking about when you try to get sexual with him and he turns over or just ignores you?

Blueknight, your last post really made me feel better! Especially about the initiating part, I am like you, I don't mind initiating as I am very in touch with my sensual side, but if it is always me coming onto him, I definitely feel less feminine. You really made me feel less alone by discussing that. I prefer a more balanced approach, I would love it if he would initiate at least half the time. I have stopped initiating, haven't initiated for about 5 weeks, and we are still sexless. I have decided to just stop initiating period, as I am likely to be rejected and it just isn't worth the pain. I am so happy for you that you and your wife were able to turn your relationship around for the better, that is highly commendable! Kudos to you for communicating the issue to her in a way that evoked a positive response! Now if I can just do that...