Jealous of his ex and it's taking over my life :(

[becci]

I'm totally obsessed with my boyfriends ex and it's driving me insane. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we have a child together and on the outside everything seems perfect but I am being torn apart on the inside as I cant stop comparing myself to his ex

I will start from the beginning as that's where the issue stems from. I met my boyfriend through a friend and we talked online initially before meeting up. Things were going really well online so we were due to meet up but he cancelled as he decided to go back to his ex. (She had gone back to her ex for a couple of months but then decided she had made a mistake so he cancelled with me to give things another go with her). I was disappointed but as we hadn't actually met I just got on with my life. About a month later I recieved an email from him saying things hadn't worked out with his ex (she met someone else) and he still wanted to meet up. I still liked him so I agreed.

We got on really well when we met in person and I was really happy and I felt like I had met my soul mate. Then I found out I was pregnant when we had only been together for 6 weeks. I was happy to be pregnant but unhappy it had happened so quick. I wondered if my boyfriend just stayed with me because of the baby. I feel second best to his ex.

My boyfried spoke about his ex quite a lot and always spoke highly of her even tho she treated him so badly by leaving him twice for other men. I began to get annoyed about how much he spoke about her 3 months into the relationship so I asked him not to speak about her anymore and he doesn't speak about her anymore. There was also some of her things around his house and he still wore a necklace she made him which he threw away at that time too.

Soon after this (about 4 months into the relationship) I came across some pictures on my boyfriends computer of him and her together. When I confronted him about them he said he had forgotten they were there and that he would delete them. Since then I have been really obsessed as she is really beautiful and I guess that is why when she was with my boyfriend he forgave her twice for leaving him. I then began to check my boyfriends email history and I found the emails from her and his emails to her and read them. They really got on well together and had more in common than we do. She not only was beautiful but she is intelligent and has good taste in music etc. What made me even more jealous was the fact that my boyfriend wrote really amazing emails to her saying wonderful things which he has never said to me.

I admitted to him that I had read his emails which for sure he was unhappy about but then he told me (as he thought I already knew) that she had sent him an email asking for them to be friends. He promised me he ignored it and didn't reply but still it hurt me that she did this because I don't think that either of them could just be friends with each other. I don't know if he still speaks to her or not but my boyfriend says he doesn't.

More recently I have been checking her my space and I found out that she sells crafts online which I also do. I found out that her store has had more sales than mine and that her friend has opened a store in town which is stocking her crafts. I got super jealous as she says her stuff is handmade which it isn't so I contacted the owner of the store (anonymously) to tell her that her stuff isn't handmade. The owner no longer stocks her stuff but this almost got me into serious trouble for slander. I feel terrible about this but I felt she didn't deserve to be more sucessful than me or other people I know. Really feel awful about it tho.

I feel that this has gone on too long and that I have recently gone too far. I really hate myself for feeling the way I do about my boyfriends ex but I still check up on her my space most days. She always looks so happy and perfect and I guess I wish I was more like her. I feel like I am always going to feel like second best compared to her. I have been receiving councelling as I have post natal depression and my councellor says that I should just get over it. I don't know if I ever will and I feel like this is ruining my life. I really need help!!!!!

[azsinglegal]

One of the biggest mistakes women make is to obsess about a current man's ex. She's an ex for a reason.

 

Let her be so. Don't bring the past into the current and future. He's with you, not her.

[Kelemort]

This issue is complicated by the fact that he BROUGHT his issues with his sex into YOUR relationship. That's not fair to you and it's not surprising that it still bothers you. I put up with it for about a year and a half. And I think it takes ages and ages for that kind of garbage to leave your system - it is a destructive virus. Any rational person would ask themselves, "I'm his girlfriend now. Why is he doing this to me? Does he still love her? Maybe he does." And when they stop talking about her by request - rather than through their own initiative - it leaves an even more perplexing thought: "Is it just because he can't have her, and he'd rather have me instead of no one?"

 

Others may mention this, but this is connected to purely obsessional OCD/retroactive jealousy. Your postpartum depression may also play a role in it. But you've got a lot of problems here - you have a child together, so you're going to be connected at least for the next 17 years.

 

I don't believe that an 'ex is an ex for a reason,' especially when men choose to keep the ex-girlfriend around. That physical attraction, or attraction period, will probably always be there. And no one these days takes any time for no contact just to emotionally separate themselves after a break-up - they plunge immediately into a friendship, which just often doesn't work. But then you seem to have realized he was in contact with her and still clearly focused on her (he did turn to you after things with her didn't work out, and right away), so it's unfair for you to tell him not to speak to her at all at this point. Had you been ignorant of her presence in his life still, and you started dating, I think it would be more fair for you to tell him to butt out.

 

But where this crosses the line is that you've started sabotaging this woman's business and you've read your boyfriend's e-mails. I get that the temptation is difficult, especially when your boyfriend did many things that made you feel insecure. You probably derive a lot of your self-worth from this man and his affection. But really ask yourself: what would happen to you if tomorrow he left? Really ask yourself this. Would it really be so bad? Do you really need his love and his devotion THAT badly? Once you can free yourself of the fear of losing him - when you realize that no matter what, you don't NEED anyone - suddenly it gets much easier to get over his 'more beautiful, more talented, more everything' ex-girlfriend.

 

But you need to come clean and you need to come clean now. You probably need help to get over the compulsion to sabotage his ex. You should probably get some counseling to start improving your own self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

 

My feeling is that relationships that start out like this are probably doomed. Some people can bounce right back from a boyfriend treating them that way, especially if they feel good about themselves. But if it persists for months or years, it's going to kill your self-esteem. In these situations, women start to become dependent on the boyfriend for his approval and for his assessments that she's better. And often, these women are women who were raised by emotionally or physically punitive parents. The parents may have manipulated them and hurt their feelings, and the child became desperate/obsessive to get the parents' approval. You may well have chosen a similar emotionally unavailable man, and you too will spend your life desperately trying to earn his love and affection.

 

My advice is to leave for at least a little while. But keep in mind this may never entirely go away so long as you're with this man. Exes are exes for a reason - and in a healthy relationship, they should not play a prominent role. A few sparse mentions of them, and that's it. There's really no reason for you to see loads and loads of pictures of his ex, or to hear him blabbing about her, or to hear that he's ready to take a roll with you now that she's turned him down. I get that people choose to be friends with an ex now, but often I think that's just the road to trouble.

 

Start setting your boundaries with him. And set them with yourself. You've never met this girl - your BOYFRIEND has done what he's done to you, not her. So don't hate her because of his behavior and his actions regarding her.