The Pain Of Losing

[Painful heart]

My mother died on Thursday July 28th, 2011. At 4:30am. As I post this, only 10 hours ago.

 

 

We all lose something in life. At some point it's inevitable. The big hockey game. The lottery. A pair of socks. Your favorite sweater. Your lucky ear rings. But nothing in this world hurts more and causes more pain, than losing a person associated with death and love. And I lost both in one week. It's hard to imagine that a year ago, I would be going through what I am right now. My girlfriend of more than a year, broke it off and left me for another man. I never saw it coming. I was in-love with her. We argued and bickered over silly things and had our ups and downs and differences, but the core foundation of our relationship was built on love and respect, and up until a week before it happened, the words, "I would do anything for you" came from her lips. I was devastated. What had happened to my babes.

 

When you lose a relationship you don't just lose the person you love. You lose their family, the environment of their home, the sounds, the feeling, the smells, the love, their pets, you lose it all.

 

I was closer to her family than she was mine, therefore the pain on my end is much more and runs much more deeply.

 

I lose the love of my life all the while my mother lays in a hospital bed in my living room not eating, not drinking, not talking, not moving, not going to the bathroom...not living. She was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer, and has just died as of July 28th, 2011, 4:30am

 

My mother, my biggest fan, my #1 support. The one person in this world who believed in me more than anyone. Even when things seemed hopeless. The one person I could turn to to talk about falling relationships, was gone. I was devastated when I found out I was losing her. Losing your mom at any age is devastating, but at 32, it's extra hurtful.

 

But I always had my girlfriend there. Texting, telling me she loved me. The words I love you from the woman who would inevitably move into the role of biggest support, meant more to me than you, and she ever will know. I changed my mother's underwear. I fed my mother. I cleaned up my mother's bathroom accidents off the floor. I took care of her, the way she did me so many years ago.

 

Those words, I love you from my girlfriend, were powerful and meant more to me than they ever had. I was watching my mother die and was hurting so deeply inside, but was so thankful I had my girlfriend.

 

Unfortunately, my love and support was not enough for her. And although I know she loved me and appreciated everything I ever did for her, in the end, it just wasn't there. When you're the one on the receiving end of being left behind, it always hurts much more deeply for you. It hurts for them too, but in different ways. They say "sorry", you say "why". She has another man in her life to take that hurt away. To make it more tolerable. I have no one. I've lost the two most important women in my life. And when you're on the receiving end, the thoughts of that man touching the one you love race through your brain from top to bottom and side to side. "Go away! Go away Damn it! That was me, I was supposed to be doing that!" Pain. Hurt. Sorrow. Sick. Stomach ache. Tears. Pain.

 

I feel more alone now than I ever have at any point in my life. A week ago I felt alone, but I had the reassurance of a girlfriend. Now? I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm lonely. I feel different. I feel sick. I don't eat well. I've stopped working out.

 

I'm alone. I'm scared. I'm hurt. I've been crying non stop. Wanting My mom back. Wanting my girlfriend back. Wanting to hold them both in my arms and tell them both how much I love them.

 

Why do we live in a world where so many good people can do so many good things for so many others, and wind up on the receiving end of tragedy. My mother never smoked a day in her life. Never drank, did drugs or caused trouble. And now? She's dead at 67 from cancer throughout her body.

 

I did the best I could for my girlfriend. I loved her, was there for her, told her all the time how much I loved her. I showed up on time, was romantic and even surprised her more times than she's ever been surprised in her life. I wasn't perfect. But I was real. And in the end, it just wasn't enough.

 

I've been Knocked to the canvas with two huge upper cuts. One of which I never saw coming. I'm In pain. More emotional pain than I've ever felt before. More pain than I wish on anyone. I reach with my arm for the bottom rope. Blood trickles from my face onto the mat. I can see people in the audience cheering for me to get up. I see my mom in the crowd. The cheers fall to muffled whispers. "David" I turn my head, but it hurts so much. "David" My head is pounding so hard that everything is in slow motion. I reach a little higher for the second rope and come to one knee. "David, you need to get up. You need to get up." My breathing is shallow, my chest hurts, the pain, the pain is unbearable. I look at my opponent across the ring, who stares at me with certain victory.

 

"David, you must get up. You need to get up."

 

I can feel myself getting weaker and weaker. I then look to my right wrist and I read the word.. Believe. The voice I hear is my mother's. "David, you need to get up. I believe in you."

 

I look to my opponent across the blood stained ring. They look at me smiling, so sure I've been defeated. I stare at them, blood trickling from my nose. Sweat trickling from my forehead.

 

I wink.

 

I reach for the top rope and pull myself to my feet. staggering into the corner, receiving a standing 8 count I stare deep into my opponents eyes.

 

 

I love you Mom. It's not about how many times you get knocked down. It's about how many times you get up. The toughest steel is forged in the hottest fire.

[sleepykitten]

Dave

I read your other post from several days ago, and have been thinking of you. I am so so sorry you are going through such un imaginable and terrible pain and loss. I wish there was something i could do or say that would make it better for you. Please carry on posting here, we are all here to support each other day or night. Youre in my thoughts xxx

[jayjay7]

So sorry about your loss, stay strong. Think of all the good memories you have had with your mother, I'm sure she would rather see you smile.

[TheHurtProcess]

Your story makes my problems seem so trivial. I'm sorry for the loss of both your mother as well as your girlfriend. That really is a blow from hell that I can't even imagine right now. You're a strong individual and you WILL pull through this. I know that it's hard to imagine the one person who claimed to love you so much, more than anything at some point, could leave as if you meant absolutely nothing. They always tend to leave at the worst possible times.

 

My ex chose to leave me at the worst possible time as well. I had just gotten laid off from my job, my car had broken down, I had no money whatsoever (due to the loss of my job), my sons mother had taken my son from me, I was getting evicted from my place of living (another grand result from not having a job anymore), I seriously hit rock bottom and I thought that I was going to end up in a shelter for the homeless at some point. I was already on the verge of suicide and it's as if she just gave me a gun and told me to pull the trigger and finish myself off. I was seriously depressed already and she kicked me while I was already down.

 

Obviously, I'm much stronger than that and I have to be here for my son. Just about everything has been fixed now, but no thanks to her in the least. I pulled my life together... for myself. But you have to wonder how someone you love and who supposedly loved you could be so damn cold.

 

As I've said quite a bit lately, I can forgive her for what she did, I already have. But there are some things that I will never forget and this is one of them. I hope that she never regrets her decision to walk away from what we had. I hope she never realizes that she made a mistake and that one day she wants me back, because I will never forget her dishonesty, her disloyalty and especially the abandonment and the ultimate betrayal that she committed. I have never experienced so much resentment in my life, as I feel today.

 

The damage is done and there's no going back now.

 

I wish you the best my friend. I'm here if you ever need to talk.

[giuliano-3]

My mom's had stage 4 cancer for two years now, the doctors have recently given her 6 months to "get things in order." My ex left me in the middle of my mom going through radiation last year. No warning, no letter, no phone call - just disappeared after her last words to me being "I love you so much, wish you were here with me."

 

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for the inspiring words which make me realize what's most important right now. The next 6 months should be about making my mom's last days on Earth as wonderful as possible, brooding about my ex only brings negative energy into the house. I'm all she's got, so if I fade away I fail her. The opponent is strong, its much easier to stay down.

 

My thoughts are with you, even though I don't know you. All the best, take care.

[loverboy1984]

I was really saddened by your post. Im so sorry for your loss but not too much for your gf loss. A mother is a far more important figure than a gf but the loss of both is almost equally painful. Im a 3rd yr medical student and I see cancer patients, some of which are not there the next day when I do my rounds. Its sad but it doesnt affect me. Its different when it happens to you and someone close. Its the worst kind of pain. All I can say is cherish your moms memories as you grieve her loss and use that to drown the sorrows of losing your gf.

 

My gf of 6yrs who meant the world to me who I did everything for who was an integral part of my family and daily life broke up with me and left me for another guy right before my medical board exam, which is the most important test I will ever take. I was a mess too. I still love her and part of me wants her back but I know I cant for people like her can cause more harm and me and you dont need that.

 

Just take care of yourself and dont do something your mother wouldnt approve of. Heal but do it by remembering good things of your mom and have her spirit guide you to finding the right woman. leave your ex behind and make your mother proud. My prayers are with you and may God bless you, your mother and your family.

[Painful heart]

Thank you all so much. Your stories, words and support make me realize there are people all over the world each and every day who do know exactly what you're talking about and going through.

 

I had no idea how much better, even if it's small, I'd feel by knowing the people here really do care and "get" it. And that right there is half the battle of moving on. Thank you

[TearyEyedPride]

You inspire me. I love your resiliency, and your courage to get up and keep fighting. Your story puts alot into perspective. I literally literally literally... I can't fathom what I'd do in a situation where I lost my mother.

 

The great part is... just getting up makes you the winner, because in this life... the game always ends but it's how you play that matters. I wish you peace, comfort, security, and above all else, unconditional love for yourself and from another.

 

I wish I could say more, but literally I'm in awe of your strength. And LS is here when you need us.

[D-Lish]

Your post brought me to tears. To go through two insanely difficult losses within the span of a week must be a huge shock to your system.

 

Obviously, it's impossible to give advice- so the best we can do is offer you support.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[Graceful]

Here's another rope for you, David. I get you.

 

It's one of life's toughest blows to deal with the death of a parent, and today (as I do many days), I was thinking about my wonderful Dad, who died a few years ago. I stopped missing my ex a long time ago, but I know I'll miss my Dad for the rest of my life. So the loss of your ex ... that will pass in time. I can promise you that.

 

All you can do right now is focus your energy, heart and soul on giving your mother a proper sendoff, honoring her memory, and making her proud of you, which I am quite sure she is already.

 

Please accept my sincere sympathy for the loss of your mother. You sound like a lovely person, who is understandably, in a great deal of pain, so please know we are here for you. You might also want to explore other support boards that deal with the loss of a loved one; I spent some time in forums such as those when my Dad died, and found them very comforting. What ever you do, don't isolate yourself. Reach out and get the support you need. I wish you peace in your time of grief and sorrow. Graceful