Getting married soon, but stuck on ex

[311]

I've been reading other posts on this forum and I think this is a great place to share and get some good feedback on relationships.

 

To keep it short, which I know is always very hard to do when talking about this stuff....when I was in college I was head over heels in love with this girl. She was my first love. We moved in together for 2.5 years. It was great (or at least I thought so). I accept responsibility for the fact that we had communication issues (she was very passive, and I was stubborn and didnt listen to her). I had a porn problem. I realize that I did a lot of things wrong my first go around and I learned from them (although I find it interesting that my current fiance does not view the porn the same way my ex did. At the same time I do not put the porn before her either). It really is not an issue in my current relationship but that is because of what originally happened. Another thing is, when my Fiance speaks I truly listen to her. If she is upset by something, I do my best to correct it.

 

Now, going back, towards the end of my relationship with my ex she took a trip to Europe and proceeded to cheat on me. When she came back she was weird but acted like nothing had happened. It was horrible. It was a terrible breakup. She hurt me so bad that I could not talk to her at all and asked her to move out. I didnt find out she cheated until later, which made more sense I guess. She tried to contact me a couple of times but I just could not take it. It hurt too much to be in contact with her. She moved on to several different boyfriends. I dated a little and than found my fiance.

 

I am excited to be getting married. But for some reason I feel stuck with what happened. My fiance already had to put up with all of my crap in the beggining of our relationship because it had not been that long after. We have been together 4 years now and I would never want to lose her. But I have to say that a lot of times I would like to contact my ex for some reason. She did call me like 3 times a year ago and I never answered, and she never left a message. I feel like I probably wouldnt get the answer I am looking for but for some reason I want to try. Im not even sure what answer Im looking for. I'd like to say that I was sorry that I didn't treat her better when we were together and that because of what happened I treat my fiance better. I'd like her to know that I wasn't a loser like she made me feel like. I know it sounds stupid but I just can't let it go. Please help me, is there anything I can do to truly put it to rest and move on?? Should I contact??

[Philosoraptor]

I think you need to talk about this to your current partner. You should not be getting married if you are not over your former relationship.

[marqueemoon4]

I think you need to talk about this to your current partner. You should not be getting married if you are not over your former relationship.

 

seriously.. this is a trainwreck just waiting to happen.

[carhill]

Please help me

 

Happy to. Place this issue in front of your fiance during a PMC session and work through it together.

 

PMC= pre marital counseling

 

Welcome to LS

[TaraMaiden]

You're not looking for contact, you're looking for closure.

And within this closure, you also seek forgiveness.

 

Well get this:

It's not going to happen.

All 'contact' will do, is re-open old wounds, not give you the answers you seek, just lead to more questions - and she may never give you the forgiveness you seek.

 

The only definitive and effective closure you will ever get - is the one you manufacture for yourself.

So - you screwed up.

So what?

join the line of thousands and thousands of other screw-uppers - both men and women - who try as they might, can never turn the clock back.

 

Face it. It didn't work.

And hard as it may be to accept, it never would have worked, because the "you" then, is not the "you" now.

And she changed too.

People do, you know.

 

You yourself have admitted - you've changed the way you approach things now, in order to not repeat mistakes of the past.

 

So let the past drop.

The past works wonderfully well as a learning tool.

It's hopeless as a prop, and keeps us stuck.

 

You messed up and you got burnt.

 

Now, move on, let it go, and accept that things happen in relationships that turn the sweetness sour.

Focus on Now.

That's all you've got, so make the most of it.

Because the more you look back, the less you can move forward.

[311]

You're not looking for contact, you're looking for closure.

And within this closure, you also seek forgiveness.

 

Well get this:

It's not going to happen.

All 'contact' will do, is re-open old wounds, not give you the answers you seek, just lead to more questions - and she may never give you the forgiveness you seek.

 

The only definitive and effective closure you will ever get - is the one you manufacture for yourself.

So - you screwed up.

So what?

join the line of thousands and thousands of other screw-uppers - both men and women - who try as they might, can never turn the clock back.

 

Face it. It didn't work.

And hard as it may be to accept, it never would have worked, because the "you" then, is not the "you" now.

And she changed too.

People do, you know.

 

You yourself have admitted - you've changed the way you approach things now, in order to not repeat mistakes of the past.

 

So let the past drop.

The past works wonderfully well as a learning tool.

It's hopeless as a prop, and keeps us stuck.

 

You messed up and you got burnt.

 

Now, move on, let it go, and accept that things happen in relationships that turn the sweetness sour.

Focus on Now.

That's all you've got, so make the most of it.

Because the more you look back, the less you can move forward.

 

You have this on the money!!! To the early posters, I have discussed this with my fiance. But it's something that I have wanted to take care of on my own. It is closure. And I think your right, I don't think I will get the kind of closure from my ex that I need. Your are right that I am a different person now. Part of me wants her to know that I am a different person now I guess, but its not to get back with her....it is that she burned me. I may have treated her like crap while we were together but in the end she got back at me alright. I dont know whats worse, ignoring someone and not taking them seriously for two years or cheating on someone and lying about it to their face, and then making them feel like they were the one that was immature? Trust me, I go long periods of time without thinking about any of this but then I'll have a dream or something will get me thinking about it again. I just wish I could stop thinking about it at all.....it's probably normal huh?? Thank you guys for your responses...anything else please?

[311]

You're not looking for contact, you're looking for closure.

And within this closure, you also seek forgiveness.

 

So let the past drop.

The past works wonderfully well as a learning tool.

It's hopeless as a prop, and keeps us stuck.

 

You messed up and you got burnt.

 

Now, move on, let it go, and accept that things happen in relationships that turn the sweetness sour.

Focus on Now.

That's all you've got, so make the most of it.

Because the more you look back, the less you can move forward.

 

So, how do I do this?? I seek forgiveness and closure without contact. And I can't seem to completely drop the past. Sometimes I laugh with my buddy who was with me back when it happend. I'll say "man, she really got me back alright" to make light of it. I had a teacher tell me that it takes the same amount of energy to love someone as it does to hate them......

[TaraMaiden]

Well, I can only advise you of what I did when I realised I was carrying around an age-old experience, and using it as a prop.

 

What I mean by that, is I'd screw up, then say to people, "You know, I realise I screwed up, but it's due to *such-and-such* an event, and it had a big impact on me, I don't know if I can ever get over it...."

 

So what I was effectively doing, was encumbering and sabotaging my personal progress, by blaming an incident in my past ('yesterday') for the almighty phu*kkup I was in the Present ('today').

 

That was unfair, because it shifted the responsibility off my shoulders onto an intangible, untouchable and now only imaginary reason ('imaginary' in the sense that the only place it still existed was between my ears, as a memory) and asked that others tolerated and accepted my current behaviour, because I had a really good excuse for being such a total @sshead.

 

Neither of which was an acceptably valid reason for my behaviour.

 

Or yours, for that matter.

 

Why?

I'll tell you why.

 

Because everything you think, say and do - is YOUR choice.

 

And if you think that harping on the Past is an acceptable excuse for wanting to do whatever it is you want to do - then that is a Choice you are making.

You are consciously Choosing to permit the past experiences to weigh you down now, and affect your concentration and devotion, to your current GF.

You are remaining stuck in past events because you just don't want to let them lie.

 

Well, here's what I did. And maybe you can do it too....

 

Write your ex- a letter.

by hand, not on a computer. Get a big, A4 lined pad, and start writing. Don't stop, until you have absolutely expressed every sentiment: however florid, affectionate, resentful, hateful, insensitive, caring, loving, spiteful, vengeful, compassionate or friendly it is. Write everything - absolutely everything - you feel about her, the past and the situations.

Vent your spleen. Let her have it with both barrels. Hold nothing back.

 

Then, when you feel you've absolutely got every ounce of it, out of your system, put it in a metal tim box, take it out to the yard - and burn it.

 

And as you burn it, let yourself think this:

"I'm free. I don't need to carry this crap around any more. I'm done with it. It's happened, it's Past, it's over, it's done with.

I don't need to haul this around One More Day. "

 

And mean it.

Let it go, literally, up in smoke.

 

As Carl Jung said:

"The Past is over. Forgiveness means giving up all Hope of a better Past."

 

Forgive yourself, forgive her, and get on with your life.

A foot in the past, means you'll be forever tripping yourself up.

 

Your choice, bud.....

[giuliano-3]

You were in a doomed relationship. She went to Europe alone. She cheated. She wasn't the same person when she came back.

 

That should be all the closure we need. This has happened to countless thousands living this side of the pond. But I get what you're saying, the fact that you still have some feelings and occasionaly dream of her after 4 years (and having a woman you want to marry) makes me very worried for myself. You mean I might have 3 more years of this crap?

 

While in Europe I saw many people cheat on their partners (who were at home). Guys/girls with fiancees, spouses etc. It was disgusting. But that's the way it is. Some are predisposed towards getting caught up in the moment, forgetting what matters until its too late and they've already screwed up. Then they hide their emotions and run away. Its happened to alot of us.

 

Its hard to accept that the answers for closure lie within us, but its the truth. The ex is a different person now, moved on and who knows how they think. Its not worth it to try (at this point) and communicate with her.

[311]

Thank you so much guys/gals. I realize that my situation is not too different from many other peoples situation. What happened to happened to a lot of people. Thank you, this has made me feel a lot better and I am going to stick around on this forum just because I find this subject so interesting. Guiliano, it comes and goes. Sometimes I don't think about it for a long time. Perhaps with this encouragement I might be able to really get fully through it now. The answer lies within myself and not with her. Thank you.

[311]

Its also that it is so scaring that its hard to forget. I still have post traumatic stress which is why I have occasional dreams I believe. Because of my experience I don't take other peoples experiences lightly. Some people are very insensitive and a few people completely understand. Thanks guys.

[reimeivn]

i understand there are a lot of things in the past that you feel stuck on. you revisit them often and want to fix it. its just the human nature, we are perfectionist. but it happened, and first love, you never know what to do. but you didnt cheat, you didnt fake your feelings, and that is all that you need for a first love.

 

i hope you can be easy on yourself, and come to accept that it happened that way. the thing is, you are getting married, and you are excited, and that all that counts.

 

getting married is a big step in life and you normally feel like you would want to put things in places before you start a new chapter in life. please dont be too hard on yourself.

[311]

getting married is a big step in life and you normally feel like you would want to put things in places before you start a new chapter in life. please dont be too hard on yourself.

 

thank you. you're right. I've still got some time and Im going to work on it....or perhaps forget it is a better thing to say.

[reimeivn]

i think you really just need to share with your fiance.

 

its validation on your own self improvement that you need. you dont need your ex. somebody else can do it better, and even more fulfilling to the point that you will never ever have to ever think about your ex again, and that is your partner for life.

[311]

we have discussed it. but (and i can understand this because it was done to me) it hurts her feelings to talk about someone else. i can understand that. so, id rather not talk about it with her. plus, she is a little insecure about it already being that we met shortly after i was dumped by my ex.

[TaraMaiden]

See...we all have our own little idiosyncratic insecurities.....

[broken-and-lost]

You have this on the money!!! To the early posters, I have discussed this with my fiance. But it's something that I have wanted to take care of on my own. It is closure. And I think your right, I don't think I will get the kind of closure from my ex that I need. Your are right that I am a different person now. Part of me wants her to know that I am a different person now I guess, but its not to get back with her....it is that she burned me. I may have treated her like crap while we were together but in the end she got back at me alright. I dont know whats worse, ignoring someone and not taking them seriously for two years or cheating on someone and lying about it to their face, and then making them feel like they were the one that was immature? Trust me, I go long periods of time without thinking about any of this but then I'll have a dream or something will get me thinking about it again. I just wish I could stop thinking about it at all.....it's probably normal huh?? Thank you guys for your responses...anything else please?

 

I've had a similar experience with my EX wanting the forgiveness and showing them you are no longer the same person that you learnt from the things you did wrong i'll never get that closure from her she will always drag up the things you did wrong no matter what and the people on here are right you can only give it to yourself avoid contact with her it will only open up old wounds.

 

I hope that if i'm ever in the position where i'm about to get married she will be the last person in the world i will be looking to get closure from my validation will come from the fact my current partner is marring me because she see me for me a great loving human being who brings value to her life