My marriage counselor sucks

[Izzy123]

Hi everyone - my first post here.

 

Am I out of my mind or what? Last week my wife (Nancy) and I went to out marriage counselor (Sara). Toward's the end of the session, I said something that upset Nancy and this distressed Sara. Sara insisted that we come back for separate sessions this week, which we did. I suppose that she couldn't trust me to be in the room with my own bloody wife!! I have been surfing around and reading warnings about marriage counselors that really are therapists and don't know how to handle COUPLES. They prefer to work on individuals.

 

At my session I got right to the point with Sara and shared with her my concern that we missed a good opportunity to learn how to communicate. I said something and Nancy got hurt. Great. Now why can't Sara teach me to speak in a safe kind of way that doesn't hit Nancy's victim button. And then teach Nancy that I wasn't trying to hurt her. Take a few deep breaths, walk out of the room for a few minutes if need be, then come back in and calmly assert your position. Or give us some other ideas!!

 

What did she do instead? Teach us to separate and sweep it under the rug.

 

So how did Sara react to my concerns? She told me that she was the professional and that I must trust her and that I have a control problem and that Nancy is a sick woman because she is depressed. I asked her what I could do over the next week to make the marriage better and she didn't have any suggestions. I think that Sara is not expecting anything to improve. Rather, she is just trying to get Nancy to cope at a minimal level.

 

Don't get me wrong - Sara has really helped us over the years, and especially Nancy. But I think that she needs to stick with therapy for individuals only.

 

Your feedback is solicited and valued - thank you!

 

(names are fictional)

[creighton0123]

I wouldn't focus so much on the strength of your marriage, persay... that is very... insurmountable and intimidating. "We need to save our marriage" is much harder (and less personal) than "We need to learn again how to make one another better".

 

My advice? Do a little digging and find a counselor or program that specifically aids couples rather than a therapist who feels she can manage couples therapy. In my opinion, it is much better to approach someone who advertises as a couples counselor rather than a marriage counselor or family counselor. The former tend to have much more experience in dealing in any number of dynamic couples - from people who are married, unmarried, together for decades, together for months, with children, without children, in open relationships, in monogamous relationships, gay, straight, polyamorous, etc. etc.

 

If this Sara is your wife's independent therapist, it seems like a bad idea for you two to utilize her for couples therapy as well.

[KathyM]

Hi everyone - my first post here.

 

Am I out of my mind or what? Last week my wife (Nancy) and I went to out marriage counselor (Sara). Toward's the end of the session, I said something that upset Nancy and this distressed Sara. Sara insisted that we come back for separate sessions this week, which we did. I suppose that she couldn't trust me to be in the room with my own bloody wife!! I have been surfing around and reading warnings about marriage counselors that really are therapists and don't know how to handle COUPLES. They prefer to work on individuals.

 

At my session I got right to the point with Sara and shared with her my concern that we missed a good opportunity to learn how to communicate. I said something and Nancy got hurt. Great. Now why can't Sara teach me to speak in a safe kind of way that doesn't hit Nancy's victim button. And then teach Nancy that I wasn't trying to hurt her. Take a few deep breaths, walk out of the room for a few minutes if need be, then come back in and calmly assert your position. Or give us some other ideas!!

 

What did she do instead? Teach us to separate and sweep it under the rug.

 

So how did Sara react to my concerns? She told me that she was the professional and that I must trust her and that I have a control problem and that Nancy is a sick woman because she is depressed. I asked her what I could do over the next week to make the marriage better and she didn't have any suggestions. I think that Sara is not expecting anything to improve. Rather, she is just trying to get Nancy to cope at a minimal level.

 

Don't get me wrong - Sara has really helped us over the years, and especially Nancy. But I think that she needs to stick with therapy for individuals only.

 

Your feedback is solicited and valued - thank you!

 

(names are fictional)

Some therapists or counselors (the term is interchangable) are not as well trained in marriage therapy than counselors who specialize in marriage therapy. Marriage therapists take courses that have a specific focus on marriage therapy, in addition to the regular counseling courses. Going to someone who specializes in marriage therapy would be your best bet. However, it is normal in marriage therapy to sometimes have individual counseling sessions with each spouse to work on things specific to that particular person. If you are having anger control issues or communication issues, it is often helpful for the therapist to see you alone to more closely look into why you have a deep seated anger, which is often the result of issues in your childhood. She could also help you to role play with her proper communication techniques that you could use with your wife. Individual counseling is often helpful in addition to sessions with the couple together. The counselor probably saw that the poor communication was damaging the relationship, that is hanging by a thread already, and didn't want to allow that to further damage your relationship with your wife. I think your counselor did the right thing by wanting to work on your communication style and anger issues separately with you before continuing with the couple counseling or in addition to the couple counseling.