BetterMan Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 OK, here is something that has been going through my head, as well as the heads of everybody that knows my wife and I. Why, for the sake of the children, is she saying she does not want to go to counseling and see if we can make our marriage work? I am hoping that some of the mothers on this board can provide insight. A little background. We have been married 20 years. I was never abusive, and never hit her or the boys. Neither of us are an alcoholic, smoker or a drug user. I did not have a physical affair (11 years ago I made an emotional attachment, but that is 11 years over and dead). She has not had a physical affair (shortly before leaving me she also made an emotional attachment - they never met- and from what she says that is now at least one month over). When she left me, she also left the kids with me (doesn't that show she trusts me as a father?). Prior to the (completely out of the blue to me, the kids, and all our friends and family) separation, she was the most wonderful, loving, devoted mother. Our boys are 16 and 8. The boys want us to get back together. I want us to get back together. All our family and friends want us to get back together. She is still saying she doesn't want to. The last few weeks we have been spending more time together as a family, and it has been fantastic. She has even said she really, really likes that we can hang out. Why, if not for her or me, at least for the children is she saying she does not want to see if we can make our marriage work?
KathyM Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 OK, here is something that has been going through my head, as well as the heads of everybody that knows my wife and I. Why, for the sake of the children, is she saying she does not want to go to counseling and see if we can make our marriage work? I am hoping that some of the mothers on this board can provide insight. A little background. We have been married 20 years. I was never abusive, and never hit her or the boys. Neither of us are an alcoholic, smoker or a drug user. I did not have a physical affair (11 years ago I made an emotional attachment, but that is 11 years over and dead). She has not had a physical affair (shortly before leaving me she also made an emotional attachment - they never met- and from what she says that is now at least one month over). When she left me, she also left the kids with me (doesn't that show she trusts me as a father?). Prior to the (completely out of the blue to me, the kids, and all our friends and family) separation, she was the most wonderful, loving, devoted mother. Our boys are 16 and 8. The boys want us to get back together. I want us to get back together. All our family and friends want us to get back together. She is still saying she doesn't want to. The last few weeks we have been spending more time together as a family, and it has been fantastic. She has even said she really, really likes that we can hang out. Why, if not for her or me, at least for the children is she saying she does not want to see if we can make our marriage work? I'll go out on a limb here and take a guess at what's going on. (I've also been married several years and have 3 sons). I'm guessing your wife's recent emotional affair has caused her to leave. I'm guessing, despite what she says, that the affair is still going on. It may be just an emotional affair, or it may have turned physical. I'm guessing the affair is what made her want to leave. Even if the affair has ended, which I doubt, her feelings towards you have changed. They've been stolen by the OM. He is who she thinks about. It has clouded her judgment. People who get caught up in an affair become very obsessed and selfish. They don't think about the harm it is doing to their family, or they block it out of their mind in order to continue with the affair. I'm sorry you have been treated like this. There is a couple of other possibilities that might be going on. She might be going through a midlife crisis and think that she's missing out on something out there, and has decided she needs to pursue her own dreams, rather than devote her life to her family. Very selfish thinking, but that often happens with people. Third possibility is that the emotional affair has made her realize that she does not love you anymore, and that she needs to leave. I'm guessing its the first reason--she still has the relationship going with the OM, and wants the freedom to pursue it. That would be my guess.
wilsonx Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 (edited) I will say that an emotional affair is pretty rough. I have been a victim of my ex leaving me 2 times because of an emotional affair. I do not think I have shared this with the LS community because its something that really hurts but I can tell you I know what you are going through. Did my ex come back, yes she did. At the time though we were just starting dating and I did not know what was going on. It took me to process the breakup after I went NC after the second breakup to realize that my ex was a real piece of work and this was the second time this had happened to me. This is something that you could not have controlled betterman. Nothing you did in the past or could do now would stop this from happening. I know it hurts, Ive had it happen to me 2xs by the same woman who I considered my best friend 2 years before we started dating. As the saying goes, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me and it hurts. Does it give you hope that one day she might come back for the kids, maybe! She might be seeing if the grass is greenier on the other side and you HAVE to let her go. At the same time you do not want her back. The pain of going through this twice and realizing that you went through it twice is almost unbearable sometimes I actually contemplated giving you advice for your birthday but after sleeping with my ex 4 times after she broke up with me, it really hurt and killed me on the inside. I mean it really really hurt. To the point where I told her that last Friday before she moved out that it will never happen again. If you read the other posts in there including onlyafool said the same thing. For your own sake and well being, you have to let her go. You will hurt for a long time I cant even imagine 20 years, but the sooner you do it, the sooner you can start to heal Edited July 28, 2011 by wilsonx
LifesontheUp Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I used to work with a man whose wife left him and their 2 kids to go live with her OM. She was so aborbed with her new relationship she really didn't care about seeing her kids.....her focus was her and OM. I think your wife is still in the affair.
Author BetterMan Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 A bit more info on my wife's Emotional Affair. We are in California. That MoFo is in Chicago. My wife and the ******* have never met. (Last summer, while on a cross country holiday we almost pulled over and met him and his wife. Yup, he is married also, and his marriage is now in shambles). The jerk is older (50 vs. 46), nowhere near as physically attractive as me (she admits that), has significant medical issues, and does not have the money to travel. Due to the nature of my wife's job and that she has the boys every few days, she would not have the time to travel to meet him. That being said, I have been nervous the last 2-3 days that he may not be out of her life. I need to find the appropriate time to bring this up again. Keep the insights coming.... this is all good.
KathyM Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 A bit more info on my wife's Emotional Affair. We are in California. That MoFo is in Chicago. My wife and the ******* have never met. (Last summer, while on a cross country holiday we almost pulled over and met him and his wife. Yup, he is married also, and his marriage is now in shambles). The jerk is older (50 vs. 46), nowhere near as physically attractive as me (she admits that), has significant medical issues, and does not have the money to travel. Due to the nature of my wife's job and that she has the boys every few days, she would not have the time to travel to meet him. That being said, I have been nervous the last 2-3 days that he may not be out of her life. I need to find the appropriate time to bring this up again. Keep the insights coming.... this is all good. He may be in Chicago, but she's probably still Emailing him and calling him. They have an emotional connection--doesn't matter than he isn't as physically attractive as you. The AP is often less attractive than the BS. She has decided that the OM is her soul mate and that is who she is connecting with. She wants the freedom to pursue that connection. It may remain a long distance emotional affair, or it may become a physical one at some point. Maybe she is waiting for him to leave his wife and by leaving you, she has shown him her intention to be with the OM. But they still have the connection going, and that is why she won't come home.
PegNosePete Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Yes everything points to 3rd party involvement here. I'd bet my bottom dollar that her affair is still ongoing. That MoFo is in Chicago. My wife and the ******* have never met. ... The jerk is older Take all of those names you are calling him, and use them for your wife instead. SHE is the one who promised to be with you forever til death do you part. SHE is the one who has broken that promise and SHE is the one who has hurt you and is breaking the marriage. HE never made any promises to you. Sure he may be a low life scumbag but every insult you throw at him, applies double to her.
monik Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Very interesting...I posted something about how my H could fall out of love with our children. This is similar in that my H had/have an emotional affair with OW. The day we talked about our separation, he admitted he met someone and have an emotional connection with her. I asked if he wants to try and work things out and he said no. I pushed for an open ended answer and he admitted that he doesn't want to try it out with me because he wants to pursue a relationship with OW. He was even telling me how he plans to take our kids with them on their first date!!! We are now one month into our separation. I recently asked H if him and OW is now a couple, he told me no. I asked if he is still trying to pursue a relationship with her, and he said he sees her just as a friend who he could talk to. When we had our talk a month ago, he sounded like he is madly in love with her and couldn't wait to start a relationship with her. Now, it seems to me his infatuation with her is not as strong. I am hoping he will eventually come around and make it work again with me and the kids who are only 6 and 3. So in a way, to answer your question. As a mother, I would definitely try to work things out for the marriage and the family. But when someone is all of a sudden feeling these strong infatuations, they are so blinded by this new found romantic spark that they are not seeing things correctly. It makes me sick to think that my H could feel this way about someone he just met 2-3 months ago and is willing to give me and our kids up. I know I have been nothing but a great wife to him and a great mother to our children. I feel like it's his loss if he is willing to give all these up. I am still hurt that he could be so selfish to us. I could tolerate him hurting me (emotionally, not physically,) but I get really upset knowing he makes our children sad by being so selfish.
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