ctwatlanta Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I posted here recently about my situation and thank everyone for the great feedback. I really appreciate the help during these very difficult times; however, there's an update and I could really use advice. First of all...sorry for length here but I needed to give background info to those that aren't familiar. We've known each other 2 yrs and been friends. Started dating 4-5 months ago and unexpectedly she got pregnant within first month of dating when she switched birth control methods...so she's now 3 months pregnant. BTW, I'm 40 and she's 30. It's her first child and my second as I've got a 9 yr old daughter. Approximately 2 weeks ago we had our first argument. I live 45 mins north of the city and she lives in the city. We don't get to see each other as much as we'd like because we travel a lot during the week for work and I've got my daughter every other week. The little argument about distance and not seeing each other a lot turned into a full blown meltdown on her behalf. Mind you, I'm not exaggerating when I say that until that moment we had never had even the slightest disagreement. Nonetheless, she went off on me Friday, July 22 and said we weren't going to work out and that was it! Completely out of the blue. She claimed that I was focused solely on me and my daughter and that I didn't show her enough attention, that we didn't see each other enough, etc. This is bull because we saw each other as much as we could given our hectic schedules. I didn't rush into just bringing her into my little girl's world but was slowly trying to do so. As a parent I don't believe you just throw your child into something like this and say "Hey, this woman I've been dating for a month is pregnant and I want you to know her!". I have to be protective of my little girl. Anyway, when she went off on me that Friday and told me she didn't want to be with me any longer but wanted to have the baby alone I was in utter shock and absolutely torn to pieces. We had talked about marriage but she said she would not get married until we got to know each other more, which I agreed was smart. However, in order to see each other more and to take care of the baby together; I suggested she move closer to me, which is 45 mins north of her work in the city, and she completely shut the idea down as it was too far from her work, she didn't want to give up her friends, and she didn't want to take the chance of moving up here near me and us not work out and then she would be "stuck" according to her. I even offered to purchase her a house near me and it didn't matter. She does well financially so she's fully capable of taking care of the baby alone. However, I thought it was a very selfish thing to say because I cannot move closer to her since my daughter goes to school here and the court papers I have with her mom won't allow me to move out of school district. What woman would want to leave the father of her unborn child and not try to work things out after having only dated a few months? Before this Dr Jekyl and Mrs Hyde episode I was the greatest thing in the world...according to her. I know people that don't even have a child and try harder than she's shown. Also, my 9 yr old daughters mom and I didn't get along AT ALL (unlike this woman) yet we tried to keep our relationship intact and we worked on it for 4 yrs before finally calling it quits. We tried because of our daughter! I've never seen or heard of a pregnant woman willing to just walk away after only dating a few months. I could understand it if I beat her and was some drug addict but I'm serious when I say we never had a cross word between us until that blow out where she went crazy on me. Anyway, I begged and pleaded with her not to do this but she had made up her mind. Well, 5 mins after we hung up she called me back and told me she wanted to try, but that I needed to really show her how much I cared for her. Since that Friday I've done everything under the sun to show her...I've gone above and beyond. I was in town this past weekend and offered any spare time she had...but she had none because she had already made plans with friends. So, because we both have had to be out of town for work so we've not seen each other once in 2 weeks since the blow out. Since then she has randomly sent me a few txt msgs and that's it. She sent me one the night before I flew out of town saying I hope you have a good trip and another one yesterday saying I hope you have a good day. In turn I've sent many msgs to her telling her I missed her and couldn't wait to see her this weekend, etc. and I get no responses to those at all. That said she just sent me another txt msg asking if we could have lunch on Sunday at 1pm. It was very cold and no "hey, how are you" or anything. Just a txt msg asking if we could have lunch this Sunday at 1pm. I asked if she would like for me to bring my little girl along because they really enjoyed each others company and she said no, it would be better if it were just us. So, how should I read this request for lunch, and just as importantly how should I act Sunday when I see her? It's so awkward now. In the past we would run up to each other smiling and give a bug hug and kiss...now I feel like it's going to be extremely awkward when we meet Sunday. My sister said I should be very upbeat and give her a big hug and see how she reacts and take it from there. One of two things will happen: 1) She will tell me she doesn't want us to be in a relationship at all. 2) She tells me she wants to continue in our relationship and find a way to make it work. If she tells me option (1) I'm probably going to break down because I don't want to lose her or go through this again. PS. A ton of women keep telling me it's just hormones and that she'll come to her senses, but I don't believe it is.
Orianne Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I don't mean to be blunt, but have you considered the possibility that you are not the father? I can't think of any other reason why she'd just leave you--most women would at least want child support of some kind from the father, and if she's not even asking for that much, something is not quite right. There's also the possibility that she's not pregnant at all... I wish I could give more insight, but that's the best I can come up with for now.
Author ctwatlanta Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 I don't mean to be blunt, but have you considered the possibility that you are not the father? I can't think of any other reason why she'd just leave you--most women would at least want child support of some kind from the father, and if she's not even asking for that much, something is not quite right. There's also the possibility that she's not pregnant at all... I wish I could give more insight, but that's the best I can come up with for now. Orianne, sure it may not be mine...anything is possible, but it's extremely doubtful. I do know for certain she's pregnant as I've been going to the dr with her for sonograms, etc. That said she never said she would not want child support from me. She just said she didn't us to be together. Besides, as mentioned...she does well financially.
misssmartypants Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I left a man I'd been dating and living with for almost a year right after I found out I was pregnant. The pregnancy was making me feel sick, tired, and weird all the time, he was hinting around about an abortion and acting like a complete jerk-face. I don't know you or your girlfriend, but it sounds like you both have demanding careers and full lives. A baby is a big deal, especially to a woman who's job requires travel, how the heck can you travel for work with a baby? I suspect her hormones are running her mind in weird directions (I literally was an irrational mess the first part of all three of my pregnancies), the reality of what a baby would mean to her life isn't helping, and add to that the father of her child wants her to relocate! It seems overwhelming to me, and I'm just reading it. I know you feel like you are being sensible, rational, and supportive, but that might not be how its translating to her. I'm not going to assure you that she will change her mind about a break up, but I am going to suggest that you radically bend over backwards for her for a little while. Offer to spend the weeks you don't have custody of your daughter at her place, speed up the introduction of her to your daughter (its now or, "suprise, you have a lil bro/sis" out of the blue) and really, if you've known the woman for that long, sure you know if she can be trusted around your kid. Anyway, maybe if she feels more included in "your" life, and you go further out of your way to be in "her life" she will come around to moving out to the suburbs.
Orianne Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Well, in any event, you need closure of some sort, especially if you are the father--it would be impossible to not have some sort of friendship with this woman if you are the father of her child. I'd do my best to keep things friendly during any meetings, but at the same time attempt to find out what's really going on. Though you don't want to pressure her either.
lino Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I don't mean to be blunt, but have you considered the possibility that you are not the father? That's what I'm thinking. I knew of a guy in a similar scenario. The baby wasn't his.
Author ctwatlanta Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 I left a man I'd been dating and living with for almost a year right after I found out I was pregnant. The pregnancy was making me feel sick, tired, and weird all the time, he was hinting around about an abortion and acting like a complete jerk-face. I don't know you or your girlfriend, but it sounds like you both have demanding careers and full lives. A baby is a big deal, especially to a woman who's job requires travel, how the heck can you travel for work with a baby? I suspect her hormones are running her mind in weird directions (I literally was an irrational mess the first part of all three of my pregnancies), the reality of what a baby would mean to her life isn't helping, and add to that the father of her child wants her to relocate! It seems overwhelming to me, and I'm just reading it. I know you feel like you are being sensible, rational, and supportive, but that might not be how its translating to her. I'm not going to assure you that she will change her mind about a break up, but I am going to suggest that you radically bend over backwards for her for a little while. Offer to spend the weeks you don't have custody of your daughter at her place, speed up the introduction of her to your daughter (its now or, "suprise, you have a lil bro/sis" out of the blue) and really, if you've known the woman for that long, sure you know if she can be trusted around your kid. Anyway, maybe if she feels more included in "your" life, and you go further out of your way to be in "her life" she will come around to moving out to the suburbs. missy, Did you get back with the father of the baby you said you'd left? While I'm happy to bend over backwards for her I feel as though I should get some type of feedback from her that this is going to work. I've offered to do anything for her, but she is giving me absolutely no direction. Just a couple of cold, sterile "have a nice day" responses via txt. She won't even pick up the phone and call or return a msg.
misssmartypants Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 missy, Did you get back with the father of the baby you said you'd left? While I'm happy to bend over backwards for her I feel as though I should get some type of feedback from her that this is going to work. I've offered to do anything for her, but she is giving me absolutely no direction. Just a couple of cold, sterile "have a nice day" responses via txt. She won't even pick up the phone and call or return a msg. No, but there were things going on besides that I was pregnant and freaking out about it. I don't want to drag my drama into the situation though. She isn't giving you direction because she wants to see what you will/can do. I think you need to respect her apparent need for distance, don't pressure her for an answer right now, how does she know anything will work? And if she doesn't know, how can she tell you. Tell her you miss her, you want to be involved with the baby as much as possible, and you want to be in her life. Then let her have her say. I think this needs to be done at least over the phone, if not in person. Certainly not a text message. Good luck.
Author ctwatlanta Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 No, but there were things going on besides that I was pregnant and freaking out about it. I don't want to drag my drama into the situation though. She isn't giving you direction because she wants to see what you will/can do. I think you need to respect her apparent need for distance, don't pressure her for an answer right now, how does she know anything will work? And if she doesn't know, how can she tell you. Tell her you miss her, you want to be involved with the baby as much as possible, and you want to be in her life. Then let her have her say. I think this needs to be done at least over the phone, if not in person. Certainly not a text message. Good luck. Thanks, Misssmarty I'm meeting her this Sunday as she requested we meet for lunch. It was very sterile, cold request "Can we meet for lunch at 1pm on Sunday?", and that was it. I responded to her that I would love to meet her and can't wait to see her. I then followed up with a phone call...she didn't pick up...so I left a msg telling her I missed her and couldn't wait to see her Sunday. That said "IF" she says she wants nothing to do with me as far as us being in a relationship how do you believe I should react? My gut is to beg, cry and plead with her; however, I'm being told to hold it together and tell her I'll accept her decision but that I disagree with it and that I'll be there for her and the child whenever she needs me...and then just leave it at that. What are your thoughts?
misssmartypants Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Thanks, Misssmarty I'm meeting her this Sunday as she requested we meet for lunch. It was very sterile, cold request "Can we meet for lunch at 1pm on Sunday?", and that was it. I responded to her that I would love to meet her and can't wait to see her. I then followed up with a phone call...she didn't pick up...so I left a msg telling her I missed her and couldn't wait to see her Sunday. That said "IF" she says she wants nothing to do with me as far as us being in a relationship how do you believe I should react? My gut is to beg, cry and plead with her; however, I'm being told to hold it together and tell her I'll accept her decision but that I disagree with it and that I'll be there for her and the child whenever she needs me...and then just leave it at that. What are your thoughts? Don't beg, plead, cry, pressure . . . if I were her that would make me just end it right there. Do the second thing, without anger or judgment or threats, tell her you will be there for her, you disagree with her. Then make sure she knows you are available in that way. When the baby is born, if she's still wanting nothing to do for you, you need to legally assert your rights as a father. Which means making sure you have a fair custody agreement and things like that.
mtber75 Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Don't beg, plead, cry, pressure . . . if I were her that would make me just end it right there. Do the second thing, without anger or judgment or threats, tell her you will be there for her, you disagree with her. Then make sure she knows you are available in that way. When the baby is born, if she's still wanting nothing to do for you, you need to legally assert your rights as a father. Which means making sure you have a fair custody agreement and things like that. I totally agree...She needs a solid support unit not a crying, begging person! Be confident and let her have her space and when the time comes, let her know that you be there for her and the child. Yeah you have to assert your right as a father that's for sure!
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