Katrina65 Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 So, for the first time EVER, I'm basically in an episode of the Bachelorette. I have had three major dream crushes in my lifetime (we're talking anywhere from 5 to 15 years long), and all at once, all three have reappeared in my life and asked me out. The contenders: 1. A childhood crush. 2. The other is an ex, who I loved, who had to leave due to life circumstances. I never stopped loving him. 3. The other is a debonaire hottie, who through (amazing) serendipity, has reappeared in my life three times--and I have finally given him my contact info and he's taken the bait. I want to narrow down my choices and focus. I have amazing rapport with 1. and 2. BUT guy # 3, who I know the least about, was the first to ask me out. We have gone on several dates, and while we are on dates, they are fun and awesome! We have made out, and it's HOT--exactly how I like it. Now, the problem with guy #3 though, is he is moving at a SNAIL'S pace, and I have absolutely no idea what his intentions are. He texts (literally) once a week to set up a date. In between then, there is no contact. I become convinced that he must just not be interested, and then wham, he's got another great date planned, and it's super fun ON the date. Once it's over--it's back to no contact for a week. No calls. No texting. No emails. No friendship. But full attention on the dates. He's mentioned that his last relationship (years ago) was hot and heavy and lead to an engagement, and maybe he's "damaged" since that and been standoffish and hasn't dated. I almost feel like he's trying to play by "The Rules" now. It's as if he literally is timing our contact using a calender and clock, to make certain I do not think he's too eager. The other possibilities are: -he's just not that into me. -He's boring and flat-lined. -Or he's just kinda shy and/or not a very good communicator. My gut instinct says, because guy #3 has not mentioned anything about exclusivity, it's ok to date all 3 and find out where my greatest compatibility lies. It makes me a BIT uncomfy to date other men though, as I am not a good multi-tasker, and I am very monogamous by nature. Also, since I made out with guy #3, I feel he needs to be a higher priority, and am keeping things non-physical with guy #1 and guy #2 right now. I feel because I was physically close with guy #3, I also need to be upfront and honest with him and let him know I am dating others. YET...it's kinda awkward to bring up, because, well, we've never spoken about what's going on between us...and I don't even know if he considers me someone he's "dating". For all I know, he could think I'm some cool chick friend he takes to dinner and makes out with from time to time. I'd like to figure out what's up with guy #3, and whether or not he's even looking for something (eventually) serious...or anything at all, for that matter. I'd like to start narrowing down my choices. Do you guys know of a good way to ASK this kind of question, without freaking a guy out? I mean, we've been talking for about a month and a half, and have gone on several dates. I just want to know what's up and if this is headed anywhere (although I don't need a commitment--just a basic idea of what he's looking for). I feel since he was the first one to ask me out, and he's been fun and treated me well on dates, that I would gladly go on more dates. But if he's not looking for anything serious, I'd probably have better luck throwing him back in the sea and focusing on the guys who I know are relationship oriented, and have stated their intentions to commit to me. Again, the question is: what is a good way to find out if your date is looking for a relationship, or just a casual fling to pass the time, without putting him on the defense or freaking him out? Also, do you feel it's best to let him know, at this time, that I'm dating others? If so, how does one bring THAT up, too?
thatone Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 if i had to bet, #3 is cheating on someone else. if he's that physical with you on the first few dates then disappears for a week at a time, that doesn't add up. #1 is pure speculation you don't know how he changed as he grew up, i wouldn't bet too much on a childhood crush later in life. #2 seems like the best prospect, assuming his reason for leaving before wasn't his fault or some huge misdeed on his part (he didn't have to leave due to prison or anything, right? lol)
Author Katrina65 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 I think that's good advice, thatone, and you are probably right that something is going on. Even if he's not "cheating", I at least think he's probably playing the field and keeping his options open (which means, he's probably just not all that into me). I know that guy #2 and I have great rapport, are happy and have warm hearts when together. I know we both make time for one another, communicate well, and put in effort. It really is joyful when we're around each other and we know how to make one another feel special and loved. We had been friends first, and lost touch over the years. Fate brought us back together--literally, in a city of millions, we just happened to run into each other at a random place and random time. He was separated at that time, but not divorced. We grew very close, but he wanted to give one last shot to make his marriage work, and disappeared to make that happen. We completely severed contact. I was devastated and felt like I'd lost my best friend, but knew it was what he had to do. It took me a few years, but I did ultimately grieve his loss, and because I went through this lengthy grieving process, it is a bit difficult to completely open up to him again and trust that he won't disappear. In fact, I've found it difficult to really have ANY relationship since then. Now, several years later, there was another moment of serendipity that brought us together again. Ends up, his divorce was finalized, and now he's completely single and not seeing anyone, and has made his intentions clear, he wants to be with me and never to lose me again. I had just started dating someone else about a month and a half before running into him, but as mentioned above, I don't know what's going ON with this guy #3. It seems there is something...off. When I had "all the time in the world", I didn't mind continuing to date guy #3 and seeing where it lead. But now that this man I loved has returned...I'd like to figure out what I'm doing and what's going on so I can make some important decisions. The problem is, I really had high hopes for guy #3 and like him a lot--he's a total catch! But, going at the sloooooow pace he's going at, it's really hard to tell if we're going to be compatible enough to stick it out in the long haul. And really, I don't even know if he's interested in a relationship at all. I'd like to know what his intentions are to be able to make some important decisions in my life...but just don't know how to have this talk with him, as things have been going so slow and we rarely...communicate...outside of dates.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Why don't you see a future with guy number 1? Because I think number 2 and 3 sound terrible. 99.9% of the time when you and someone break-up and try again, you wind up breaking up and it's almost always for the exact same reason you broke-up the first time around. Guy number 3 doesn't seem that interested. So what's wrong with guy 1?
Mr. Slim Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Reading this I have no idea what *you* want to happen, so I can't imagine any man dating you would either. Why don't you figure out what that is, and in the meantime please remember that *you* have an active say in your dating life. You aren't just subject to the whims of some man.
Author Katrina65 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Mr. Slim. I would like to get to known man #3 better, but have been very confused by his communication style. I know I am attracted to him, and I enjoy his company. I would like to know if he has any intentions to actually be in a relationship, or, if he is just playing the field and having fun. When he invited me out, it was really a surprise to me, so at that time, I didn't have any sort of expectations. I knew I'd liked him for years, and was just excited at the opportunity to have a chance to get to know him. If it was just some fun dates, that was fine, as I was single and in no hurry--I had time to date him and just have fun. But now I have two other guys, who I also like (and have liked for ages), who are pressuring me to give them a chance. I feel I can't give them the chance they want and deserve, until I know whether or not I want to continue with guy #3, or to cut my losses. I know giving guy #1 or #2 would very likely lead to a long term committed relationship. I feel it may be unwise to continue with an eternal bachelor type if I have two very available men. The problem is, I don't know if guy #3 is an eternal bachelor type, or an available man type. The problem is, guy #3 is very, very slow in his correspondence, so I don't know where he stands. I would be interested in being his official girlfriend, but, I don't know if this is something he is interested in. Unfortunately, he never communicates outside of our dates, so it's hard to find the time with him to have this sort of "talk". So overall--this is what I want: 1. I am a focused individual, so I don't want to be dating three people. I want to focus on one. 2. I don't know if I am compatible with guy #3, but I know I like him and am attracted to him. I would like to give him a chance and officially date him, as we have been on several good dates and he was the first to get my attention. BUT, I do not know if he is even INTERESTED in dating or working toward a committed relationship. We don't spend enough time communicating with one another to have that sort of talk, to figure out what is going on between us. I'm trying to find a good way to have this type talk with him, without freaking him out. He's definitely been giving me mixed signals--some say he's interested, some say he's a total life-time bachelor. 3. If I can figure out what guy #3's intentions are, then I would feel more able to make a wise decision as to whether to throw him back in the sea, or to continue to give him a chance. If he's interested in a relationship, I would stick it out and see where it goes. If he wants to be the eternal bachelor, which is very possible, then it would be best if I move on and pursue one of the guys who is actually looking for more.
Author Katrina65 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Pierre, you make some good points, too, and that's exactly how it's felt--as if I'm trying to make a car purchase! It's good, in a way, because it's allowed me to logically focus on what I want, and what criteria is important and what I'm most compatible with. But, I'm to a point, I want to make the purchase and focus on one, and make a true bond. I've NEVER been in a situation like this before, where I've just "dated". I usually find the one person I want, and make a commitment--that is more my style, and what I'm trying to work towards right now. And in a way, I'm TRYING to date them in sequence. I feel as if I'm with guy #3 right now, even though we have NOT spoken about exclusivity. I feel I cannot truly date guy #1 or #2 until I make a decision about guy #3. And that is really what my question is with this thread. HOW do I find out what guy #3's intention are without freaking him out? We rarely communicate outside of our dates, and I really have no idea if he's just playing the field, or if he is interested in a relationship. If he's not interested in committing at some point, then I think it would be best to throw guy #3 back into the sea and then try with one of the guys who actually is looking for a relationship. So again, the question is, how to delicately bring up the topic, with guy #3, as to what he's looking for? I am interested in a relationship. If he's not, I'd like to know.
Author Katrina65 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Enchanted Girl: As for guy #1, he's the one I've spent the least amount of time with. I haven't been trying to pursue anything with him, as I'm trying to keep this as uncomplicated as I can. I'm trying to deal with guy #3 first. Guy #2 is eagerly pursuing a relationship. Also, as for Guy #1, he is a friend of my sister. My sister has mentioned she thinks he has a huge crush on me; she has mentioned that we are very alike and she thinks I am totally his type. But, she also seems to be reluctant to completely give him the green light, and I'm trying to figure out why. Anyhow, in the meantime, he just texts me witty and fun banter each day. Guy #2 is not a typical ex, in that we didn't break up because of anything wrong with our relationship--we were ridiculously happy together. We broke up, because he was going through a divorce, and was separated; he was very conflicted due to the trauma of going through a divorce. Our relationship was great, outside of the fact, that he wasn't completely available, due to the fact that the divorce wasn't finalized. Marriages trump dating relationships, and he decided after so many years of being married, the right thing to do would be to give it one more fully concerted effort. We completely cut off contact, so that he could focus on that. There is no way he could give his marriage another chance if he was half in, half out, if that makes sense.
snug.bunny Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 They all sound great. Tough spot to be in, yikes!
Author Katrina65 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 It is, Snug.bunny, it is! They are all like, 10's in my eyes...so it's really hard to know which is the best one to take a chance on! I want to give them all a rose, LOL.
Mr. Slim Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Mr. Slim. I would like to get to known man #3 better, but have been very confused by his communication style. I know I am attracted to him, and I enjoy his company. I would like to know if he has any intentions to actually be in a relationship, or, if he is just playing the field and having fun. When he invited me out, it was really a surprise to me, so at that time, I didn't have any sort of expectations. I knew I'd liked him for years, and was just excited at the opportunity to have a chance to get to know him. If it was just some fun dates, that was fine, as I was single and in no hurry--I had time to date him and just have fun. But now I have two other guys, who I also like (and have liked for ages), who are pressuring me to give them a chance. I feel I can't give them the chance they want and deserve, until I know whether or not I want to continue with guy #3, or to cut my losses. I know giving guy #1 or #2 would very likely lead to a long term committed relationship. I feel it may be unwise to continue with an eternal bachelor type if I have two very available men. The problem is, I don't know if guy #3 is an eternal bachelor type, or an available man type. The problem is, guy #3 is very, very slow in his correspondence, so I don't know where he stands. I would be interested in being his official girlfriend, but, I don't know if this is something he is interested in. Unfortunately, he never communicates outside of our dates, so it's hard to find the time with him to have this sort of "talk". So overall--this is what I want: 1. I am a focused individual, so I don't want to be dating three people. I want to focus on one. 2. I don't know if I am compatible with guy #3, but I know I like him and am attracted to him. I would like to give him a chance and officially date him, as we have been on several good dates and he was the first to get my attention. BUT, I do not know if he is even INTERESTED in dating or working toward a committed relationship. We don't spend enough time communicating with one another to have that sort of talk, to figure out what is going on between us. I'm trying to find a good way to have this type talk with him, without freaking him out. He's definitely been giving me mixed signals--some say he's interested, some say he's a total life-time bachelor. 3. If I can figure out what guy #3's intentions are, then I would feel more able to make a wise decision as to whether to throw him back in the sea, or to continue to give him a chance. If he's interested in a relationship, I would stick it out and see where it goes. If he wants to be the eternal bachelor, which is very possible, then it would be best if I move on and pursue one of the guys who is actually looking for more. First off, don't worry about the other men pressuring you to give them a chance. I'm sure you are a very nice lady but I'm also sure they are keeping their options open as well. It sounds to me you favor #3 a bit. As a low contact person myself, I definitely want to get across that you can't always judge a man's interest level by his text/call frequency. We are only getting one side of the story. For all we know, he is waiting on some/any kind of signal that you would be receptive to him escalating things a bit. I wouldn't say sitting around waiting for his weekly text is that sign. I think things would naturally take their course and you wouldn't need to have any "talks", but this once a week stuff is what's killing it. Does this guy work a lot or live pretty far away? I would say he's taken you out enough times where you could invite him over for a home cooked meal during the middle of the week, no? I bet if you could at least get it up to 2 times a week then you two would either naturally become closer or figure out you're not compatible. Once a week or so basically is like having consecutive first dates over and over again, enjoyable enough to go on a second date but leading nowhere.
Author Katrina65 Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 Mr. Slim, I definitely think I have peaked #1's interest, but he is keeping his options option. #2 wants to win me, and is focusing on me; we are very open about where we stand currently. #3, I really don't have a clue about! He could be seeing 100 other people, for all I know. But, I do know that when he does plan dates, he lets me decide what day and time they will be, and he always is able to make himself available for that. So it seems his schedule is open. #3 does work, but has a relatively simple work schedule. Normal days, normal hours, not high stress. He lives within reasonable driving distance. He is busy this week, but assume he will be available next week. I sent him a text letting him know I'd like to see him, and he said we would get together. I am assuming this will be next week, after he finishes with his obligations this week. That is exactly what it feels like--all of our dates are first dates; hence, it's not really leading anywhere, and it feels like we're going at a snail's pace. And, I do send him fun, witty texts from time to time during the week...but it is like pulling teeth getting responses from him. Because of his lack of enthusiasm in communicating back, I don't want to send a lot of texts, as I feel if he "liked them", he'd be more eager to respond. This leads me to believe he's just not that interested in me, but then, he'll plan another great date, and we'll have a lot of fun on the date with lots of communication at that time. I guess I'll wait until next week, when I know he's free again, and pursue the get together I suggested and see where that leads. So confusing.
Imajerk17 Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 (edited) "I don't want to freak out guy #3..." You realize how absurd that really is, right? If you tell Guy #3 that you are being pursued by other guys and you would like to know where you stand with him first, and he does freak out, then it's a *good* thing, because then at least you know where you stand and you can move the hell on with your life. (If he doesn't have some idea after 5 dates whether he sees you becoming his girlfriend, he never will.) Edited July 29, 2011 by Imajerk17
daphne Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 If you tell Guy #3 that you are being pursued by other guys and you would like to know where you stand with him first, and he does freak out, then it's a *good* thing, because then at least you know where you stand and you can move the hell on with your life. In my experience, this is very true. Better to clean out the loiterers who suck up your time.
OliveOyl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 What a position to be in! When it rains, it pours It sounds like Guy #3 does not want a real relationship. A guy who likes you and wants a relationship will actively try to communicate and get together more than once a week (barring longer distances). No communication/texting/phone calls between weekly dates is a sign of tepid interest (the classic "he's just not that into you"). The easiest way to find out what's going on is to simply ask "Hey... what's going on here? Are you interested in a relationship at some point?" As Imajerk pointed out, if he freaks out, that's your answer. But I would say at this point, based on the low frequency of contact, that by itself reveals his intentions.
Author Katrina65 Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 Ima--you made a very good point, and haha, daphne, I like how you phrased that: "clean out the loiterers". I love the visual/comparison, and that does make a lot of sense, too. OliveOyl. Agreed--it does feel like the classic "he's not all that into you" sort of situation. And, every time I become absolutely convinced of that, he does something like plan a really well thought out date and wants to spend hours and hours together and treats me as if he is really interested, and then I become really confused. So yes, I think this talk is in order. And if he flips out, like Ima mentioned, that's a good sign it's time to move on! At least at that point, I'll know. I'll see if I can meet up with him next week and have this talk. And yea, when it rains, it DOES seem to pour! I don't get what is up, but now another guy, as of last night, who I found very attractive, became interested! I don't know if I'm sending off phermones or some new vibes or what...but this is all so very new for me!!! I feel like I'm in an episode of Seinfeld meets the Twilight Zone.
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