HappyPanda Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 My boyfriend of about a year and a half have been fighting a lot more than usual over the last few weeks... not big, blow out fights, not even necessarily raising your voice fights, but more so tense bickering... and its really exhausting me. We've both been under a lot of stress lately, myself in particular, both with work and my family... him more or less with money and his living situation. I understand that stress is a fact of life, and that its no excuse to take it out on anyone, but I feel its left both of us on edge the past few weeks, and I think that has a lot to do with it. We're definitely not breaking up over it or anything, but Im curious as to how those of you in long term relationships have gotten over or resolved the rough patches... I know its a hard thing to describe, but Im feeling kind of desperate because it seems like lately we're just not seeing eye to eye on many things. I love him so much, and I know he loves me. We plan on moving to new york together sometime next winter... and I dont expect everything to be sunshine and lollipops all the time, but Im afraid that this recent tension is going to drive us apart. Any words of advice?
Star Gazer Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 "Bickering" sounds different to me than "not seeing eye-to-eye about many things." Can you give some examples about what you're arguing about? Also, do you take time to express appreciation for him and how he contributes to your relationship? Both in words and action (and even better if done at the same time)? With a twinkle in your eye?
Author HappyPanda Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 "Bickering" sounds different to me than "not seeing eye-to-eye about many things." Can you give some examples about what you're arguing about? Also, do you take time to express appreciation for him and how he contributes to your relationship? Both in words and action (and even better if done at the same time)? With a twinkle in your eye? Hi Star! Thanks for responding. Ugh. Its been mostly those stupid misunderstandings that snowball into an argument... like last night, we had dinner plans. But he got a chance to spend some time after work with his sister whom he hasnt seen in a while, and told me he was going to have a drink with her. This was around 6:30 pm I said ok, well Im really hungry, so should Im wondering if I should just make something for myself, or if I should wait for you.. what time will you be here? To which he perceived as me being irritated, when in reality... I was just really freaking hungry. Stupid bullish like that... for the past few weeks. Us being stressed, both of us misunderstanding and being hypersensitive, and it becoming an argument. To answer the question on the romance end... yes (although, admittedly more so on my end than his) We tell each other all the time that we love each other. I wake up to a text every morning that he loves me. I write him notes, make him gifts... And our sex life hasnt really suffered all that much, its just that now it seems to be make up sex all the time! Im just wondering what the hell is going on... why we cant seem to understand each other all of the sudden. Im not trying to take my stress out on him, but I KNOW I havent been myself recently... It just seems like the perfect sh*t storm. I just dont want this to become habitual, and I definitely dont want it drive us a part. I just want us to get out of the funk
Star Gazer Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Ugh. Its been mostly those stupid misunderstandings that snowball into an argument... like last night, we had dinner plans. But he got a chance to spend some time after work with his sister whom he hasnt seen in a while, and told me he was going to have a drink with her. This was around 6:30 pm I said ok, well Im really hungry, so should Im wondering if I should just make something for myself, or if I should wait for you.. what time will you be here? To which he perceived as me being irritated, when in reality... I was just really freaking hungry. Stupid bullish like that... for the past few weeks. Us being stressed, both of us misunderstanding and being hypersensitive, and it becoming an argument. Before I answer, was that conversation specifically over the phone, or via text? To answer the question on the romance end... yes (although, admittedly more so on my end than his) We tell each other all the time that we love each other. I wake up to a text every morning that he loves me. I write him notes, make him gifts... And our sex life hasnt really suffered all that much, its just that now it seems to be make up sex all the time! People speak and show love differently, and often just saying IYU isn't enough. I don't usually recommend books, but in this case I'd highly recommend "The Five Love Languages." Im just wondering what the hell is going on... why we cant seem to understand each other all of the sudden. Im not trying to take my stress out on him, but I KNOW I havent been myself recently... It just seems like the perfect sh*t storm. I just dont want this to become habitual, and I definitely dont want it drive us a part. I just want us to get out of the funk It sounds like you're both projecting on each other. He thinks you're irritated because he's irritated, and vice versa. Something I found in my last relationship (even though it didn't last long, this did help!) was to preface things with some sort of happy comment. In the example above, I would have said something like, "Sounds good, tell [sister's name] I said Hi! Oh, and I'm starving, so I'm gonna eat, unless you want me to wait for you?"
Orianne Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 In general, when I communicate with my husband, I do my best to leave out anything that might be perceived as a complaint. When men hear complaints, they have a tendency to think the woman is blaming them for something, even if that's not true. In essence, when you said "I'm hungry," he heard, "I'm hungry and it's all your fault because you're going to have a drink with your sister." In a situation like that, it's better to simply ask if he still wanted to go out later or if he minded that you went ahead and ate at home. Then he can (and probably will) ask you if you're hungry, and you can say yes. Also, never, ever argue over the phone. Especially via text-messaging. It's the easiest way to be misunderstood. And absolutely, 100% do not be afraid to tell your partner anything. Especially if it bothers you. My husband and I have "pillow talk" all the time where we talk to each other about all the things that bug us, whether it's relationship issues, family, work...the meaning of life, etc. Doing this made a huge difference in our relationship.
Star Gazer Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 In general, when I communicate with my husband, I do my best to leave out anything that might be perceived as a complaint. When men hear complaints, they have a tendency to think the woman is blaming them for something, even if that's not true. In essence, when you said "I'm hungry," he heard, "I'm hungry and it's all your fault because you're going to have a drink with your sister." In a situation like that, it's better to simply ask if he still wanted to go out later or if he minded that you went ahead and ate at home. Then he can (and probably will) ask you if you're hungry, and you can say yes. This is a great point, really.
Author HappyPanda Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Before I answer, was that conversation specifically over the phone, or via text? It was over the phone... I know, less than ideal. People speak and show love differently, and often just saying IYU isn't enough. I don't usually recommend books, but in this case I'd highly recommend "The Five Love Languages." Thanks! Im going to check that out!... I agree that people express themselves differently. Im definitely more of the "romantic" in the relationship, with the little notes, and the homemade gifts, and the mix cds... He shows it more so by fighting traffic to come to see me when Im tired, and rubbing my back until I fall asleep, and being patient and understanding with me when I act like a crazy person! He's definitely more action based than I... Although, I wont lie, I would like it if he would step the romance game up every once in a while. It sounds like you're both projecting on each other. He thinks you're irritated because he's irritated, and vice versa. Something I found in my last relationship (even though it didn't last long, this did help!) was to preface things with some sort of happy comment. In the example above, I would have said something like, "Sounds good, tell [sister's name] I said Hi! Oh, and I'm starving, so I'm gonna eat, unless you want me to wait for you?" I think you're absolutely right. We are definitely projecting our frustrations onto each other, but my problem is... while we're in the thick of it, its so hard to stop and think about the reasons behind the animosity. Hindsight is so much more logical... Its like you have to train yourself to not react. Which can be even more exhausting that just dooking it out! Im going to try and remember the "two positives and a negative" rule of thumb! Ill admit, the way YOU responded is much more positive than the way I did.
Author HappyPanda Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 In general, when I communicate with my husband, I do my best to leave out anything that might be perceived as a complaint. When men hear complaints, they have a tendency to think the woman is blaming them for something, even if that's not true. I dont LIKE to be perceived as a complainer, its just that sometimes he can be so hypersensitive that any little thing I say, that isnt singing his praises, he perceives as some sort of personal attack. I think he's a little insecure, and he wants to make me happy (which he does, most of the time) but when we have any sort of minor disagreement, or if Im even remotely unhappy about something, he seems to believe that I view him as inadequate... In essence, when you said "I'm hungry," he heard, "I'm hungry and it's all your fault because you're going to have a drink with your sister." In a situation like that, it's better to simply ask if he still wanted to go out later or if he minded that you went ahead and ate at home. Then he can (and probably will) ask you if you're hungry, and you can say yes. You pretty much nailed it. Thats almost verbatim what he heard... Its just difficult when a simple question such as "what time can I be expecting you?" can be turned into "you're obviously angry with me, I just wanted to spend some time with my sister, what the hell??" Also, never, ever argue over the phone. Especially via text-messaging. It's the easiest way to be misunderstood. And absolutely, 100% do not be afraid to tell your partner anything. Especially if it bothers you. My husband and I have "pillow talk" all the time where we talk to each other about all the things that bug us, whether it's relationship issues, family, work...the meaning of life, etc. Doing this made a huge difference in our relationship. Im going to try and make a conscious effort to be more aware of my delivery when addressing things like this with him... It just bothered me that after this much time together, we seem to still not be able to understand each other... He thought I was angry, which I wasnt, he reacted, which made me upset, and it goes on and on. We're supposed to get together tonight... Should I address my concerns over these mis-communications? Or just leave it behind us?
thatone Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 (edited) i think orianne is exactly right, you have to learn to project your feelings when you talk to people, which applies not just in relationships but with friends and at work and all sorts of other places. think of how an attorney asks a witness questions in a trial. they either choose to be polite and friendly if they think the person is receptive, or if they think the subject will respond to anger they can be overbearing and demanding. apply similar principles. you need a "mad tone" and an "ambivalent tone" and a "frustrated tone" and a "happy tone" and a "sad tone" and probably even a few others. and just as it's necessary to project these moods when talking to other people, it's necessary to be able to pick up on the moods of others. this is a natural talent that some people have, but it can be learned for those who don't have it naturally. it's just an observational skill. you can learn it by watching others, it's just a matter of knowing what to look for. i can see my girl smiling over the phone by her tone of voice, i don't need to be looking her in the face. i can see frustrated, apprehensive, and even sarcastic/playful too. and when i want to project a mood i have variations in my voice to get that across too, especially for sarcastic, to make sure the point gets across and the other side doesn't get offended. suggestion: watch people who interview others for a living, that's easy to do. the news shows, like 60 minutes or real sports with bryant gumble or even jon stewart and stephen colbert are great examples of people who are professional conversationalists. two of the better recent examples that come to mind... http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-july-20-2009/brian-williams http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/341408/july-27-2010/kevin-kline look at the mannerisms, the facial expressions, whether they lean forward or backward to either project a point or to give the person they're asking a question of space to invite them to take over the conversation. where they raise or lower their tone of voice to project their moods. when colbert confuses kline into a stupid statement kline bows his head and sort of respectfully 'admits defeat' for a second or two as a compliment. when stewart slams williams and williams jabs him back williams doesn't move his body, he smiles to assure the other side of the table that he's still joking, but not backing down. the words don't matter, it's all in the body language. Edited July 28, 2011 by thatone
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