Mr. Slim Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 To the people who have stated otherwise, an hour or more IS a LDR. You wouldn't think it would be at first, but it is... especially if you live in a city. If you work any kind of profession, it kills weekdays because you are not going to spend 9-10 hours at the office and then do an hour both ways trip on top of that (while tired to boot). It also almost as importantly kills all spontaneity. You can't just say, "let's go to breakfast right now", or "the last showing of this movie is in fifteen, let's...". Everything has to be planned. No it's not as bad as being across the country because you can still see each other somewhat regularly. But most people are not satisfied with these conditions. So in the long distance rs that fell apart, did the girls express to u that they'd like to hear from you more like I am now? And if they did, did you just still NOT contact them more even if you do like the girls? What ended up happening? When I say fell apart, I don't mean the relationship fell apart as much as my low contact style doesn't hold up under these conditions. Actually, I tend to date bossy, independent types (which makes sense, I guess) and at some point they just start calling more and more when they feel comfortable and realize I'm probably not going to do it. Before you know it, it's just normal for them to call me and talk for awhile before bedtime. It becomes what we do, and who initiated it seems unimportant. For my part, I'm always happy to receive the call and talk as long as they need. The phone may not be my thing, but it's not all about me. It's funny, I remember even as a teenager talking to a girl on the phone and at the end of the call she would say, "Will you call me tomorrow?" And I would think, "Why don't you just call me, don't I always answer?" Even though I know that girls/women like to "feel special" by receiving calls, is it the same if you're putting me up to it?
azsinglegal Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 To the people who have stated otherwise, an hour or more IS a LDR. You wouldn't think it would be at first, but it is... especially if you live in a city. If you work any kind of profession, it kills weekdays because you are not going to spend 9-10 hours at the office and then do an hour both ways trip on top of that (while tired to boot). It also almost as importantly kills all spontaneity. You can't just say, "let's go to breakfast right now", or "the last showing of this movie is in fifteen, let's...". Everything has to be planned. No it's not as bad as being across the country because you can still see each other somewhat regularly. But most people are not satisfied with these conditions. When I say fell apart, I don't mean the relationship fell apart as much as my low contact style doesn't hold up under these conditions. Actually, I tend to date bossy, independent types (which makes sense, I guess) and at some point they just start calling more and more when they feel comfortable and realize I'm probably not going to do it. Before you know it, it's just normal for them to call me and talk for awhile before bedtime. It becomes what we do, and who initiated it seems unimportant. For my part, I'm always happy to receive the call and talk as long as they need. The phone may not be my thing, but it's not all about me. It's funny, I remember even as a teenager talking to a girl on the phone and at the end of the call she would say, "Will you call me tomorrow?" And I would think, "Why don't you just call me, don't I always answer?" Even though I know that girls/women like to "feel special" by receiving calls, is it the same if you're putting me up to it? This is some of the most solid advice I've seen on here. Thank you. What kills me during the week too, is I have dogs I have to get home to and feed. They have a dog door, but if I'm too late it throws them off their schedule as well.
Author conehead Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 To the people who have stated otherwise, an hour or more IS a LDR. You wouldn't think it would be at first, but it is... especially if you live in a city. If you work any kind of profession, it kills weekdays because you are not going to spend 9-10 hours at the office and then do an hour both ways trip on top of that (while tired to boot). It also almost as importantly kills all spontaneity. You can't just say, "let's go to breakfast right now", or "the last showing of this movie is in fifteen, let's...". Everything has to be planned. No it's not as bad as being across the country because you can still see each other somewhat regularly. But most people are not satisfied with these conditions. When I say fell apart, I don't mean the relationship fell apart as much as my low contact style doesn't hold up under these conditions. Actually, I tend to date bossy, independent types (which makes sense, I guess) and at some point they just start calling more and more when they feel comfortable and realize I'm probably not going to do it. Before you know it, it's just normal for them to call me and talk for awhile before bedtime. It becomes what we do, and who initiated it seems unimportant. For my part, I'm always happy to receive the call and talk as long as they need. The phone may not be my thing, but it's not all about me. It's funny, I remember even as a teenager talking to a girl on the phone and at the end of the call she would say, "Will you call me tomorrow?" And I would think, "Why don't you just call me, don't I always answer?" Even though I know that girls/women like to "feel special" by receiving calls, is it the same if you're putting me up to it? If the girl has to be the one to call everytime, wouldn't she come to resent you that she has to be the one to do all the calling? If the calling was not the reason why those RS fell apart, what were the reasons?
Mr. Slim Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 If the girl has to be the one to call everytime, wouldn't she come to resent you that she has to be the one to do all the calling? If the calling was not the reason why those RS fell apart, what were the reasons? But see that's the point I'm trying to get you to see... what truly is the difference between you calling him and you putting him up to calling you? My thinking is that they were going to resent me either way... The relationships fell apart basically just because... they were LDRs. LDRs suck, and never again!
azsinglegal Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 If the girl has to be the one to call everytime, wouldn't she come to resent you that she has to be the one to do all the calling? If the calling was not the reason why those RS fell apart, what were the reasons? Why does it matter who initiates? I normally am the first one to txt in the morning and he's the last one to txt at night...I think the calls have been initiated on both ends but I don't keep a score card. I get it though, if he calls YOU then you feel more wanted and not like you're bugging him. But unless he tells you not to call...I say go for it!
Author conehead Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Why does it matter who initiates? I normally am the first one to txt in the morning and he's the last one to txt at night...I think the calls have been initiated on both ends but I don't keep a score card. I get it though, if he calls YOU then you feel more wanted and not like you're bugging him. But unless he tells you not to call...I say go for it! You txt your bf in the morning n he txts you at night...you both take turns, that's great. That is not the case with them sadly. I initiate 90% of calls...just feels like a RS needs to be more even...around 50/50 give or take...right now feels like 20/80 .
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I don't think I could be in a relationship like yours, OP. It would drive me nuts, simply because I've never been in a relationship with so little communication. My boyfriend and I are similar in distance to you and yours (45 minutes; 1 hour plus if there's traffic) and work opposite schedules. Therefore we only see each other on the weekends. We text intermittently throughout the day every day, and he calls me every other day or so. I would feel weird if I went a whole day without hearing from him at all (and since our first date this has never happened). I don't think what you want is unreasonable, but I also think that you unfortunately won't get it from him. And if you do, it will feel fake and forced, which is not what either of you want anyways. Also, FTR, I wouldn't consider an hour's distance to be a "LDR." Just my $.02.
Author conehead Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Honestly, folks, I don't think this RS is going to make it. Right now, I'm thinking of giving it ONE more week and that's it. If he still does not increase the calls, I might have to have a very serious talk with him about how much it bothers me...and the talk may very well lead to a break-up . I've been talking to people and reading stuff online...and my conclusion is that if a guy is truly into a girl, then he'd want to call her everyday, esp since the girl has told the guy 3 times she misses and wants to hear from the guy! Am I right??? I'm just sick of coming up excuses for him when the truth is that he is probably just not that into me
azsinglegal Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Honestly, folks, I don't think this RS is going to make it. Right now, I'm thinking of giving it ONE more week and that's it. If he still does not increase the calls, I might have to have a very serious talk with him about how much it bothers me...and the talk may very well lead to a break-up . I've been talking to people and reading stuff online...and my conclusion is that if a guy is truly into a girl, then he'd want to call her everyday, esp since the girl has told the guy 3 times she misses and wants to hear from the guy! Am I right??? I'm just sick of coming up excuses for him when the truth is that he is probably just not that into me Sounds like you have your answer. Good for you. Hope it all works out in your favor.
zengirl Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Honestly, folks, I don't think this RS is going to make it. Right now, I'm thinking of giving it ONE more week and that's it. If he still does not increase the calls, I might have to have a very serious talk with him about how much it bothers me...and the talk may very well lead to a break-up . I've been talking to people and reading stuff online...and my conclusion is that if a guy is truly into a girl, then he'd want to call her everyday, esp since the girl has told the guy 3 times she misses and wants to hear from the guy! Am I right??? I'm just sick of coming up excuses for him when the truth is that he is probably just not that into me I think if a guy was really into you, he'd want to make you happy. But I don't know if he'd call every day, even if he was. I don't think this necessarily has to be about how "into you" he is (it might be) but rather is a deeper incompatibility issue.
NursingGirl Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I get txts from mine while he's poopin. And he plays the word game with me while in the bathroom...I know, cuz he does it when I'm there. Ok, so I can't post an emoticon without 10 characters. Is this enough?
snug.bunny Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Honestly, folks, I don't think this RS is going to make it. Right now, I'm thinking of giving it ONE more week and that's it. If he still does not increase the calls, I might have to have a very serious talk with him about how much it bothers me...and the talk may very well lead to a break-up . I've been talking to people and reading stuff online...and my conclusion is that if a guy is truly into a girl, then he'd want to call her everyday, esp since the girl has told the guy 3 times she misses and wants to hear from the guy! Am I right??? I'm just sick of coming up excuses for him when the truth is that he is probably just not that into me I feel like, if you've mentioned it to him three times, and you've still seen no effort on his part ----> then you have three choices. (1) Accept that he is not a phone person and live with it; (2) Keep initiating phone interaction with him (you will have to be the sole initiator most times); (3) Break it off. I'm not a big phone talker myself, once and blue moon I am, but it is not my general style. A friend of mine, whom we've been friends for several years, commented on it and said something along the lines of "I wish you would initiate contacting me first more often and also respond sooner than you generally do". She also went on to say "I appreciate your friendship regardless and I realize that it is just the way you are so I need to learn not to be offended by it". And, I accepted that it bothered her, and now make more of an ongoing effort. Our friendship has become more stronger and we are closer than ever as a result. Her and I show our appreciation of our friendship differently, there are things that I do/demonstrate, that she doesn't ---> and vice versa. So, before you make any decisions, take it all in and next time you see one another you can bring it up. You're both in a relationship at this point, you had a discussion with him about it, and both agreed that you do not want to date anyone else. That, you want to be with each other. In doing so, you made a commitment to work things out. But, if you do not feel as though the relationship is growing stronger or you do not feel as though the two of you are growing closer, then, there is an incompatibility there and a "phone" isn't going to fix it.
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Conehead: Your relationship has not, so far, had any kind of foundation built. You have only known him for a little while. He is not a part of your daily life in the flesh or on the phone or Internet, and never has been. I know you really like him and I believe he does you too, but really ... there is not enough there. To have a successful relationship that doesn't involve much FTF contact, the other communication has to REALLY, REALLY be in place and satisfactory for both people. This relationship kind of sounds like you met, you each were attracted, you both decided that you would be boyfriend and girlfriend ... and, that's about all there is to it. I think you've spoken to him enough about the lack of contact, as this is not the first thread you've posted about it. I think it is well established that what you guys are doing is just fine for the guy, and it is not fine for you. Sorry.
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