Boyfriend rarely calls, i feel disconnected

[conehead]

Been dating guy for 2 months (exclusive for past 4 weeks). Before we became exclusive, I had expressed to him that I wish we can talk more since we only see each other once a week (live 1 hour away, 1.5 hrs with traffic). Prior to that he only texted 1-2 time a week, no calling. Not much changed the week after the talk, and I was seriously consider just to stop seeing him.

 

I ended up having a more thorough talk with him about it, telling him how when we go days with no contact that I feel really disconnected. Weeks after that, he got better, he'd text me once a day or so. But once I initiate a text or a phone call, then right afterward he'd go 1-2 days with nothing. After I initiate a text/call, I try not to initiate again. But when I go for 24+ hours with nothing from him, I start to feel really disconnected, needy, and I feel like I'm not in a real relationship. When he does text me, its just like 1-2 lines and that's it. The only time we really talk is on the phone but that is only 1-2 times a week, mostly initiated by me.

 

He texted me sunday night, nothing at all on Monday until I called him Monday night to chat. Nothing at all on Tuesday. Today is wednesday, this morning I texted him that I missed hearing from him yesterday and asked how he is. He replied that yesterday he was tired n skipped dinner, that he thinks about me often even though i dont hear from him. He ends the text with an affectionate kiss emoticon. I replied back telling him sorry he was tired yesterday, that im glad he thinks of me, i think of him too and that talking or texting everday even just for a few mins helps me feel more connected to him. I also end the text with a cute emoticon. He did not reply back to that text. So I'm not sure if he agrees with me or not.

 

The first two time I talked to him I never specified that I'd like to talk daily, just that I'd like to talk more. Today is the first time I guess I specified the word 'everyday'...I don't like to set up requirements but I feel like without them he'd just not really call or text. I feel like maybe I'm being needy or just expecting too much (though my friends say that its reasoable and expected that bf/gfs talk at least once a day), but I feel like with the way things are that I feel like im going crazy. I haven't even had s*x with the guy yet. But I'm afraid to because if i did then my feelings of craziness and neediness would just triple!

[conehead]

What can I do to encourage him to call/text me more? I feel like phone every other day and text on the days we dont chat via phone will be sufficient. I feel like daily communication is important especially since we only see each other once a week. Is that too much to ask for? Most couples I know talk at least once a day, most talk more than that.

[delilah123]

i don't mean to be mean, but you can't.

 

he doesn't want to talk to you more often then every two days. he has told you that.

 

i don't think this is something you can compromise on either... if he knows what you would like and he still doesn't feel compelled to do it, he either REALLY doesn't want to contact you everyday or doesn't really care what you think either way.

 

my guy of 3+ years still doesn't see me everyday or call me everyday, he will message me if i don't message him for a day - two days and that's about it and we see eachother about twice a week (we live 15 minutes away from eachother).

 

Every couple is different.

[Mr. Slim]

He seems about like me... I don't need very much contact to stay connected, and I detest phone/texting. This hasn't been a problem for local relationships, but kinda fell apart for long distance ones... which yours is.

[conehead]

He seems about like me... I don't need very much contact to stay connected, and I detest phone/texting. This hasn't been a problem for local relationships, but kinda fell apart for long distance ones... which yours is.

 

 

So in the long distance rs that fell apart, did the girls express to u that they'd like to hear from you more like I am now? And if they did, did you just still NOT contact them more even if you do like the girls? What ended up happening?

[sm1tten]

I don't think there is anything you can really do. You've expressed to him that you want more contact, he hasn't reciprocated. I think you're being pretty clear in what you want. You can try one more time, I guess, but if this is something that you really want then you might have to let this guy go as his needs and yours do not match.

[conehead]

This is what I call a relationship with no intensity.

 

There should be at least 2 phone calls a day and that is bare minimum.

 

One call during the day around lunch time and one in the evening.

 

Unless this is a FWB relationship?????

 

 

I'd be happy and lucky if I can just get a call every other day n a text when we don't talk via the phone.

 

I am also thinking I don't know if our RS will go anywhere if this keeps going like this. Because Im wondering how can we develop/grow in our RS with so little contact? I feel like its really hard for me to get close to him when we barely talk or see each other.

[NursingGirl]

 

There should be at least 2 phone calls a day and that is bare minimum.

 

One call during the day around lunch time and one in the evening.

 

 

 

 

Some people have jobs that just can't accommodate that.

[azsinglegal]

He seems about like me... I don't need very much contact to stay connected, and I detest phone/texting. This hasn't been a problem for local relationships, but kinda fell apart for long distance ones... which yours is.

 

How is an hour a long distance relationship? I drive an hour each way to work every day.

 

I also live in a rural area so it's not uncommon that I have to drive 45 min to get anywhere. An hour is nothing...when it gets up to 3 hours away that's different.

[conehead]

How is an hour a long distance relationship? I drive an hour each way to work every day.

 

I also live in a rural area so it's not uncommon that I have to drive 45 min to get anywhere. An hour is nothing...when it gets up to 3 hours away that's different.

 

Well on the wknd its an hour, but on weekdays due to traffic its more like 1.5 hours on average each way. Basically to meet up for just 3 hours on a weekday it'd be 2.5 hours of driving on average.

 

I actually wouldn't mind but when I suggested meeting on a weekday once the bf said we live far from each other. That was when we just dated for 3 weeks but I haven't brought it up since. My brother said requiring him to meet up one weekday a week might be bit much and too demanding...hence I haven't even brought that up at all.

[Mme. Chaucer]

For a relationship that is only 8 or 4 weeks old (you've only actually been in his presence about 8 times?) ... I'm sorry, I don't want to be mean, but this doesn't sound like much to hold onto.

 

You can't make him give more. He is probably going to give LESS - usually there is more "fire" and intensity at the beginning of relationships.

 

I suggest that you probably are not deeply emotionally invested at this point, and he does not seem to be. Maybe you might want to free yourself up for a relationship that has more to offer you?

[azsinglegal]

Well on the wknd its an hour, but on weekdays due to traffic its more like 1.5 hours on average each way. Basically to meet up for just 3 hours on a weekday it'd be 2.5 hours of driving on average.

 

I actually wouldn't mind but when I suggested meeting on a weekday once the bf said we live far from each other. That was when we just dated for 3 weeks but I haven't brought it up since. My brother said requiring him to meet up one weekday a week might be bit much and too demanding...hence I haven't even brought that up at all.

 

I only see my man on the weekends, we live an hour away. Our work schedules are too demanding during the week to try and meet up. It's pretty casual though, so it works for both of us.

 

So if that was only at 3 weeks, bring it up again if you want to see him during the week. Don't make it a requirement though...just, hey, want to meet this X day for happy hour, dinner, movie, etc.?

[snug.bunny]

Well on the wknd its an hour, but on weekdays due to traffic its more like 1.5 hours on average each way. Basically to meet up for just 3 hours on a weekday it'd be 2.5 hours of driving on average.

 

I actually wouldn't mind but when I suggested meeting on a weekday once the bf said we live far from each other. That was when we just dated for 3 weeks but I haven't brought it up since. My brother said requiring him to meet up one weekday a week might be bit much and too demanding...hence I haven't even brought that up at all.

 

Yes, I recall your other threads, about him not being available to see you as often as you'd prefer. That he said he wasn't available on the weekends (or during the week, I can't recall which), and that he has a specific routine that he adheres to after work that doesn't allow much face time.

 

So combine the two, and it's plain to see why you are feeling disconnected. Aside from that, what is it about him that you like/enjoy? Do you offer to drive to his neck of the woods to alleviate the space in between? Who brought up being exclusive? Talk to us girl...

[robdrm32]

I recently got out of a relationship like this. We live 10 mins away but saw eachother like twice a week, and if i didn't call her all i got was texts.

 

Granted your situation is different in terms of distance, so that cuts down the amount of time spent together, but the fact he can't be bothered to call for 20 mins before he goes to bed at night shows you how much of a priority you are.

 

It doesn't make him a bad person or any of that, his idea of a relationship is different than yours. You have expressed your needs and nothing has changed, so try once again and if it doesn't help you can either accept it or end it.

[sm1tten]

I see my boyfriend 2x a week, sometimes 3, and we live 45 minutes apart by public transportation - neither of us has a car. However, I can get to work easily from his apartment and vice versa so that's not an issue for us, luckily. I can see how someone wouldn't want to drive 3 hours just to see each othe for a few hours, especially knowing you'd have to get up early to get to work the next day. Maybe because I really, really hate driving. Maybe once in a while though...

 

Two phone calls a day would be too much for me, but to each their own.

 

Is is possible that you and he don't see the relationship in the same way? Perhaps to him, it's not "serious" enough for him to want daily contact? Or maybe he's just the type of person who really likes his space. Could be anything, really.

[conehead]

Yes, I recall your other threads, about him not being available to see you as often as you'd prefer. That he said he wasn't available on the weekends (or during the week, I can't recall which), and that he has a specific routine that he adheres to after work that doesn't allow much face time.

 

So combine the two, and it's plain to see why you are feeling disconnected. Aside from that, what is it about him that you like/enjoy? Do you offer to drive to his neck of the woods to alleviate the space in between? Who brought up being exclusive? Talk to us girl...

 

Well I like him because he is sweet in person n when we do talk. I feel like he truly does like me but maybe he just needs a lot of space. When we see each other on weekends, we take turn driving to each other's places so its been pretty even in that regards there. As for exclusivity, well when I had the serious talk with him about us barely talking during the week, I brought up that I feel really disconnected, n I said it might be best to keep our options open since things aren't quite progressing much....he told me that he doesnt want us to see other people and asked if we can be together...so I guess he initiated it but I'm afraid it may be just due to the circumstances. I feel bad that we became exclusive in that fashion...as maybe he got pushed into it without being entirely ready.

[azsinglegal]

Well I like him because he is sweet in person n when we do talk. I feel like he truly does like me but maybe he just needs a lot of space. When we see each other on weekends, we take turn driving to each other's places so its been pretty even in that regards there. As for exclusivity, well when I had the serious talk with him about us barely talking during the week, I brought up that I feel really disconnected, n I said it might be best to keep our options open since things aren't quite progressing much....he told me that he doesnt want us to see other people and asked if we can be together...so I guess he initiated it but I'm afraid it may be just due to the circumstances. I feel bad that we became exclusive in that fashion...as maybe he got pushed into it without being entirely ready.

 

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to commit 100%.

 

My situation is very casual, however, we do text pretty much all day when we're not too busy with work. And we find other ways to keep in touch - we play 'words with friends' constantly.

 

Maybe you need to find a way to keep in touch with him like we do? Playing 'words with friends' is pretty fun. We played one game where everything had to be a sex term and it took us a week to finish, we both suck at sexual vocab. LOL

[zengirl]

I have many thoughts here:

 

1.) LDRs suck. Do you spend the whole weekend together? That's the only way I think that arrangement could work for me. And yes, that distance is LDR material in my view. I know a rural poster commented it's not that far, but I don't know many cityfolk who feel that way. I think the rural folks are just used to driving long distances.

 

2.) I don't like talking on the phone, so I think I've talked to my BF on the phone less than a dozen times since we've been together (end of April) and some of those were probably because I was driving and couldn't text. Communication styles just differ sometimes. I don't need daily communication from my BF, though this relationship is the first one in which there is near-daily communication, but that can take many forms: seeing each other, texting, emails, FB, and (rarely) phone calls. That said, I see him several times a week. I can't do LDRs really because I'm not great at calling/staying in contact across distance. I suppose your BF, regardless of his communication style, could be expected to make some extra effort.

 

3.) Sounds like you've maturely expressed what you want. And he's not giving it to you. That gives you two choices: (a) Accept things as they are (b) Walk away. There is no magic advice that will make him do what you want him to do. Only you can decide if this is working for you.

 

4.) And this is a BIGGIE. You should never be afraid/feel weird initiating contact with someone you're in a relationship with. If you are, that's a sign that something isn't quite right.

[conehead]

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to commit 100%.

 

My situation is very casual, however, we do text pretty much all day when we're not too busy with work. And we find other ways to keep in touch - we play 'words with friends' constantly.

 

Maybe you need to find a way to keep in touch with him like we do? Playing 'words with friends' is pretty fun. We played one game where everything had to be a sex term and it took us a week to finish, we both suck at sexual vocab. LOL

 

Hm, playing games online sounds like a potential idea.

 

By the way, I'm also pondering whether another possiblity for us to connect is via IM or instant messaging? It seems like we can have a full conversation that way without the phone (since bf seems to dislike the phone I sense). The only reason why I've sorta not suggested this yet is because I fear 1) that sometimes like texting IM can create misunderstandings/conflicts since its only text without tone inflections and 2) if I can IM, I might as well just talk via phone right? and 3) sometimes IMing can just be plain annoying for some reason lol.. What do you all think about IM? My greatest concern is #1 misunderstandings

[conehead]

I have many thoughts here:

 

 

 

4.) And this is a BIGGIE. You should never be afraid/feel weird initiating contact with someone you're in a relationship with. If you are, that's a sign that something isn't quite right.

 

About this issue, I have on many occassions initiated contact, and probably initiated more phone contact than him by quite a lot. I don't mind initiaiting BUT I do mind when it feels like I'm initiating more than him. Feels like I need to do all the work and its not 50/50. If I initiate one phone call, I don't think it's unfair to expect him to initiate the next one right? Feel like we should take turns somewhat. I think I might feel like a fool if I have to initiate all the calls every day in order to talk to him...

 

Well, lets see how things go after I texted him this morning telling him I feel I will connect better if we talk/text daily even for a few mins a day. I will see if he will make any effort. If not, I guess I will have to seriously re-evaluate the RS.

 

It's not that I feel like I'm wanting more contact just for me, but for US. I just feel like in order for this RS to grow and become strong, we need a level of contact/communication.

[zengirl]

About this issue, I have on many occassions initiated contact, and probably initiated more phone contact than him by quite a lot. I don't mind initiaiting BUT I do mind when it feels like I'm initiating more than him. Feels like I need to do all the work and its not 50/50. If I initiate one phone call, I don't think it's unfair to expect him to initiate the next one right? Feel like we should take turns somewhat. I think I might feel like a fool if I have to initiate all the calls every day in order to talk to him...

 

Well, lets see how things go after I texted him this morning telling him I feel I will connect better if we talk/text daily even for a few mins a day. I will see if he will make any effort. If not, I guess I will have to seriously re-evaluate the RS.

 

It's not that I feel like I'm wanting more contact just for me, but for US. I just feel like in order for this RS to grow and become strong, we need a level of contact/communication.

 

Yeah, that's what I mean. If you're calculating who contacts who and it's bothering you, something is wrong somewhere IMO.

 

At any rate, asking for what you need is good. But ask and then give him space to give it to you or not. It looks like you're getting your answer; though sometimes guys have delayed reactions. They rarely react well to constantly being asked for the same thing, as no matter how you phrase it, it can come off as nagging.

[OliveOyl]

I've been in a "semi" LDR for about 4 months. Right now, my BF is 45 min. away and we see each other about once a week (including most of the weekend every other week).

 

In between seeing each other, we chat online (instant message, neither of us are phone people) practically every night that we don't see each other. My BF has been very consistent with this, in fact he's arranged his schedule to make sure he has the time and looks forward to chatting with me.

 

My point with this is that there are men who are comfortable and enjoy regular, daily contact even if the relationship involves a distance. So it's possible there's a compatibility issue between you and your BF. Some people don't desire or need frequent/daily contact, but when you only get to see your BF once a week in person, for me personally, there needs to an effort to stay connected. I would feel very disconnected if there were just a few texts in between a once-a-week visit.

[azsinglegal]

Hm, playing games online sounds like a potential idea.

 

By the way, I'm also pondering whether another possiblity for us to connect is via IM or instant messaging? It seems like we can have a full conversation that way without the phone (since bf seems to dislike the phone I sense). The only reason why I've sorta not suggested this yet is because I fear 1) that sometimes like texting IM can create misunderstandings/conflicts since its only text without tone inflections and 2) if I can IM, I might as well just talk via phone right? and 3) sometimes IMing can just be plain annoying for some reason lol.. What do you all think about IM? My greatest concern is #1 misunderstandings

 

We do google chat which seems to work pretty well. But again, he has to WANT to talk to you. As someone else said, you shouldn't be afraid to bring up more contact. We rarely talk on the phone during the week, so when we are together we have a ton to talk about.

 

But I can't speak for you or him. My situation is VERY casual and I'm not looking to make him commit to me or fall in love with me. I'm really just enjoying my time with him.

 

It sounds to me like you want more from this fellow then what I want from mine. Make sure you're getting what you NEED out of it and not just want you WANT. You shouldn't have to stress this much over a man, you should know he wants you in his life.

 

It's been my experience when I try to force the situation, it normally backfires. Therefore, it just wasn't meant to be. Good luck chickadee. Keep your head up.

 

P.S. Zengirl...I'm the one who lives rural, so yeah, I'm used to driving 45 min to get anywhere. LOL

[NursingGirl]

If the job allows for visits to the bathroom I would think two phone calls are quite possible.

 

 

Hopefully not occurring at the same time!

[azsinglegal]

Hopefully not occurring at the same time!

 

I get txts from mine while he's poopin. And he plays the word game with me while in the bathroom...I know, cuz he does it when I'm there.