confuzed25 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. In the beginning he told me that he had herpes and I freaked out and told him I could not be with him. He fought so hard to change my mind saying that he knew I was the perfect girl for him and he was not going to give up on me because we belonged together. Finally he convinced me because I respected the way he fought for me and could see what a great person he was....I saw the potential in him to be the one for me. It has been great for us these 6 months, our relationship is just so easy. We are so totally alike in everything....we like all the same things, have many of the same values, and are both looking for the same thing....to settle down and get married and eventually start a family. I love his family and he loves mine, we get along with each other's friends and his friends always tell him how much they like me. He is very affectionate and always tells me how he feels about me, he absolutely hates cheating and I trust him 100% and he trusts me. Hes great with kids, owns a home, and has a good job. I feel like I am a great girlfriend in return, I do things for him, we have a great sex life, I allow him to go out with friends and do whatever he wants without constantly texting him. I dont get jealous or nag him about anything. He always says that I am the perfect girl and made just for him and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He treats me with respect and we have never fought...until this week. This week we had 2 fights....our first and second ones ever. The first one was because I noticed that I was the one always asking to see him. For once I wanted him to ask me to come over on my nights off instead of me always asking him if I could come over. He texted me throughout the day at work and never once asked to see me. Then he called me when he got off work and still didnt mention us getting together even though he knew I was busy for the rest of the week and wouldnt get to see him. It really hurt my feelings because I felt he didnt care that he wasnt going to see me for a whole week. I got off the phone without saying i love you. He immediately texted me "no i love you? :(" I responded back "i dont want to be with someone who doesnt care whether or not he sees me for long periods." He called me and asked me what I was talking about....I explained to him why I was mad and he said he just assumed I was coming over because I usually do on my days off and then when I didnt mention it he figured I had other plans. I told him that if he wanted to see me he would of at least asked if he could. He said he was sorry, it was a misunderstanding. Then he asked if he could please see me tomorrow....I told him I had plans and he said can we please figure out a way so that I can see you tomorrow either before or after your plans with your friends. He said that I was the most important thing in his life and he didnt want to lose me. So we talked some more and worked it out and he said he was really glad we got resolve it like adults and not blow up into a huge fight, he said he was really nice to have a girl like that for once. The rest of the night he was texting me really nice things like "I LOVE YOU BABYGIRL!! please dont ever doubt that." and "you truly are the best thing in my life and absolute best thing to ever happen to me." So we ended up seeing each other the very next day...had a great time together out on the lake, he was affectionate and was joking about us making great looking babies someday. I was so happy everything was ok with us. Then on the way home he said something that I consider to be disgusting and horrible and I cant believe he said it. He was talking about this cult that he heard about that paid guys to come in and have sex with their women to impregnate them. Like they put up a sheet so you dont even have to see the woman and you have sex with her and if she becomes pregnant they pay you like $2000. He said he would probably do that if he was single and needed the money bad enough. He was not joking. I immediately became really upset...this was not something I ever thought I would hear him say. To me, hes a respectful and loving man who has some good morals. Hes not a man [COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR]at all. And to hear him say he would impregnate a strange woman by having sex with her through a hole in a sheet so he didnt have to see her was just beyond disgusting and makes me look at him differently. Its like the man that said that was not my boyfriend. He couldnt understand why I was mad and why I was crying. He kept trying to change the subject then and act like nothing ever happened. So we get back to his house and hes trying to act like nothing happened and just talking to me about different things even though im giving him one word answers because im so mad and disgusted. He said he decided he was going to see his brother in another state next weekend with his parents and he knew I had to work and couldnt go with him but his brother really wanted him to go so he was gonna go. I immediately started to cry because of what he had said earlier and now he was leaving next weekend and didnt tell me far enough in advance so that I could get off work. It felt like he was glad to be going to get a break from me. He said "whats wrong? and threw his arms around me and held me. He said "look at me" and tilted my face so that I was looking in his eyes. I told him that I didnt know what I wanted and that I wanted to do the right thing. He asked me what I meant and I said that I didnt know if he was the one for me and I didnt want to waste my time. He said that he felt I was the one and that we were going to make it and be together forever. He said that he didnt want to lose me and he felt I was the perfect girl for him. He said he was sorry he couldnt get me a ring yet and I said that I understood and would never pressure him. He said he is ready to settle down and get married and he knows im that girl. I said I didnt want him to say things just because he thought its what I wanted to hear and he said that everything hes ever said to me is the truth and how he really feels. He said "why do you think I fought so hard for you in the beginning? Because I knew you were the girl for me. Do you think I want to mess this up with a girl like you? NO" The whole time though he was very calm and just didnt seem upset like he wasnt taking me seriously. I dont know what to think...I dont know if the honeymoon period is wearing off and its just normal for him to be acting this way or if I should be worried. Im so disgusted by what he said and not sure how to feel about him being so nonchalant when I was talking about not being sure of my feelings for him. I feel like I dont know how to act around him, if I should just give him his space and let him come to me or if this is going to push him further away. Is it normal to have fights like this and still it ends up working out or is this just sabotaging our relationship? I see so many people getting married between my friends and his friends and I wonder how they made it work, if they had their doubts and fights like this or when you meet the person you are going to marry its easy and there is never any doubt. I would love to hear what others think about his behavior....maybe I expect to much and thats my problem. Like I watch too many movies where the guy is so in love that the girl is all he thinks about and he would fight so hard to get her back and everything is so romantic. Any advice for me would be appreciated....thank you!
sm1tten Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I'm only looking at this thread, so I don't perhaps know your full history. But your story to me looks like this: You have expectations, you get mad that he doesn't meet those expectations, you punish him (withholding I love yous/telling him you are unsure about him), he fights for you (tells you that he loves you and wants to be with you etc etc.), you forgive him. Both of your fights are rinse and repeat. The only thing that you said that was even interesting was his statement about impregnating a woman for money. Which you and he never even talked or argued about apparently. Since you both seem to be dramatic and highly reactive people, it could work out.
make me believe Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Your relationship sounds really melodramatic, with the way it began and him "fighting for you", all of these proclamations of being "the one" after only six months, and so on. Your expectations about what love is are extremely unrealistic & immature. How old are you? You really should know better than to base love on what you see in movies. I mean come on... The first fight that you had was totally unfair and passive-aggressive on your part. You never communicated to him what was bothering you. Instead, you started a fight with him because he can't read your mind. This is also very immature. I don't know what to say about the second fight... if he was actually serious about what he said, then that's creepy & I can see why it would disturb you. But again, it doesn't sound like you ever told him straight up why it bothered you, or asked him for an explanation. Instead, you just cried & started another fight. Idk.... this all just sounds very unhealthy. I don't think you have a realistic view of relationships, or the communication skills that are needed to have a good one. You seem to think that relationships thrive on gushy words and dramatic gestures of "love."
azsinglegal Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Men say silly things. Men aren't mind readers. If you're going to run him thru the ringer in order for him to prove he loves you, he's not going to stick around.
Professor X Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I don't think you have a realistic view of relationships, or the communication skills that are needed to have a good one. You seem to think that relationships thrive on gushy words and dramatic gestures of "love." +1, Also, you started crying? Seriously? Over something like THAT. First of all it was a hypothetical question and answer by him; Lot's of people say things that they wouldn't actually do when the situation occurs - He didn't do it BEFORE he met you, why would you think he will actually do it if you broke up now??? Plus, he, after 6 months, reassuring you with a ring statement? and you eating it up? Are you guys for real? It's obvious you want to get married, badly, you're quite desperate for it and in the process you're trying to determine if he's the right man for it but the truth is, it's gonna take you a long time to determine if someone is the right for you. Of course, you could just be lucky, or not.
HappyPanda Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I'll play Devil's advocate... I too would be very disturbed over the "sheet-sex" comment. Im not terribly conservative or prudish or anything, but there are a few things in life that I hold sacred, and sex being the ultimate act of intimacy... is one of them. Not like Ive never had sex with someone that I didnt love, but screwing some cult member through a sheet in order to impregnate them!? I mean, come on. That being said, I feel as though you definitely should have talked to him about that... The fact that it made you upset, that you were unnerved by his statements... is there a chance that he was kidding about this? Also, I dont think it is at all unreasonable that he would like to spend a weekend away with his family... In fact, I think it shows his moral character... Isnt someone who values their familial relationships someone you'd want to start a family with? I know its a bummer you wouldnt be able to see him for a week or so, but, he has other important relationships in his life... and those require maintenance too.
Author confuzed25 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 yes I admit, I get angry over stupid things at times. Thats how Ive been my entire dating life. I took a couple years off of dating to figure out what I was doing wrong and how to change. So honestly Im doing better, this week I just let get the best of me and I reverted back to my old ways. This whole time we've been together Ive let him do whatever he wants, I encourage him to go out with his friends and I leave him alone...if he texts me then fine but I dont initiate a conversation when hes out with his friends. He went away for a week on a golf trip with a bunch of guys and I told him I was happy he was going and to have a great time and I left him alone while he was down there and let him initiate conversation. I have never questioned him about whether he met another girl or did he cheat on me or anything like that. I feel like I am a great girlfriend other than a few slips where I get mad over stupid things and we have a little disagreement which blows over quickly like what happened this week. Hes told me that hes never had a girl treat him as good as I do....I've surprised him twice with tickets to events hes wanted to go to, I treat him with respect and give him little massages, I help pay for things and never boss him around or nag him. I make sure when there is a decision to be made that he is included and is happy with the outcome. I love to spend time with his family which is important to him and they all love me. I am not constantly by his side...when we are out somewhere I go off and talk to other people and dont cling to him. Those things about me have to outweigh the couple slip ups Ive had right?? I texted him from work last night and said "I was just thinking about you and wanted to tell you I appreciate what a great guy you are just love ya" He texted me back saying that he loves me more and loves getting texts like that from me because it always puts a smile on his face and that I am the absolute best girlfriend ever. I just get so scared whenever I fight with someone because im afraid that their feelings will change because of it but I guess if its meant to work out and if that person is worth being with they will stick with you and not run over a couple fights especially ones liike ours that didnt even blow up into a huge fight. I have vowed to myself to never get angry over something stupid and to bite my tongue even if im upset...I will not worry about our relationship and just go with the flow and stop reading into things so much. Like this morning he texted me "morning sexy, hope you've gotten plenty beauty sleep lol love ya!" For a second I let it bother me thinking that he was insulting me and saying I needed my beauty sleep because Im not attractive enough. But then I kicked myself for letting that bother me....I doubt thats how he meant it at all and was probably just trying to be cute.
azsinglegal Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Like this morning he texted me "morning sexy, hope you've gotten plenty beauty sleep lol love ya!" For a second I let it bother me thinking that he was insulting me and saying I needed my beauty sleep because Im not attractive enough. But then I kicked myself for letting that bother me....I doubt thats how he meant it at all and was probably just trying to be cute. You're kidding right? Are you LOOKING for reasons to get angry and cause drama with him? Seriously...this was a very sweet text, I'd be happy if I got it and instead you were upset? I'm sorry, but you're being ridiculous. Stop reading into everything he does and says as an insult to you.
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