Firends with a man who is going through a divorce-need some imput

July 27, 2011

Hi all,

I am putting this out there for some feedback. I am married 25 years and at the point where we are just married in name only. I am waiting for my daughter to finish college and we are both trying to save money so we can go our separate ways.

About 2 and a half years ago I met a married man. We really hit it off and I fell for him and him for me but get this, we never had relations. He told me very early on that he loved me. We texted and saw each other a few times and then he stopped reponding to me. I was very very very hurt. He was such a sweet, loving and caring man and I thought this behavior was so beneath him. Eventually I stopped trying. He didn't respond to me at all.

Late last year I sent him a text to wish him a happy birthday and he was so suprised and happy to hear from me. We met for a coffee to catch up and I found out that his wife was having an affair and he was leaving her. He made a point of saying what an ass he was when he never replied to my messages and said he would never hurt me like that again. He wanted to stay in touch so we have for the last 9 months or so. I have not seen him again though. He was married for I think 26 years or so.

So over the last 9 months I have asked to meet for coffee but to no avail, have told him I do not want to pressure him. He has told me he wants to stay friends for now and who knows what will happen.

I am always the one to initiate contact, we always have great conversations but its always me.

He has told me things are tough right now and to top it off his father passed away just recently and he is dealing with his estate etc etc. He was living at his fathers home for about a month before he passed away because he could no longer stay at the family home with the wife so he agreed to move out temporarily until she could change her situation. He wants the family home.

I realize things are tough and I don't want to pressure him but I do worry about him and need to hear that he is doing okay. I try to let 2 sometimes 3 weeks go by without contacting him but it is hard not knowing how he is.

The first week of June this year we got into a discussion about our friendship and I said that I thought maybe I should back off because he doesn't initiate contact etc etc so I said "I will back off for now and hope to hear from you again sometime"...he responded with "I hope you stay in touch because I plan to" (thing is he doesn't).

We chatted briefly at the end of June before I left for vacation and texted that day too. I said in my text "maybe we can connect when i get back" he replied " I would like that" then I said "really, you would"? and he said "Yes, it is just a tough time right now".

So when I got back from vacation I texted him to say hi. No response....

another text and another and another and an email. Nothing.

I finally decided to call because well by nature I am a worrier and can't stand not knowing. It drives me crazy. Finally I got him by phone and he told me he is having trouble with his BB and is not getting all of his texts or emails.

I was a little cold with him because I was hurt , not sure if he noticed. He said he would text me over the weekend and I have not heard a peep from him. THis was last week.

DO I wait and try to contact him again? Do I walk away and forget it? Was he lying when he said those things? I don't know what he is going through right now but I am sure it is awful. I have wanted to be there for him but he is becoming a recluse (he told me he hasn't wanted to socialize).

If I text how do I know he got the message? He said he was getting a new BB but when?

He was such a great guy. I 'm feeling a great loss even if it is just friendship.

THanks for your thoughts

July 27, 2011

IMO you need to step back and wait until your M is over before you go out of your way to invest in a relationship with anyone else. You said that he is M and if that truly dosen't mean anything to you it may mean something to him. I know that when a M man doesn't go out of his way to keep in contact and this man doesn't appear to be a teenager his priorities may be elsewhere. Just because you may be feeling something that you wish to pursue he may want to do his own thing. Why don't you wait until you have had some real time for yourself after your D from your H before trying to get involved in a serious relationship your just getting out of a long term R. After being M that long why do you need to be involved with anyone straight out of the gate live a little.

July 27, 2011

Yeah, this is a very tough time for both of you. He's going to handle things in his own way and you in yours. If he wants to go slower than you, you'll either have to move on or respect that.

Your marriage is not over, yet you're wanting to establish a relationship with the new man. That's usually not a good idea. Get your marriage over with before moving on. This bit about saving up money is just a rationalization on your part to not get on with it.

Best idea, just stay friends with OM with the occasional contact, get your marriage resolved, let him get his marriage resolved, give it some time for healing, like a year or so after both divorces and then circle back and see if there's something there.

If it was meant to be, it will keep that long.

July 27, 2011

I hate to say this but what you are doing is bordering on stalking...

Yes, he has shown 'some' interest BUT he is trying to tell you nicely to back off.

Do you really want only half of a man? I mean him saying that 'it is a tough time right now' translates to... YOU are NOT a priority and he wants to deal with his life on his own.

I bet he is still trying to work things out with his wife.

Come on girl... you deserve more than this and so does his wife. Don't you think?

Just remember that absence makes the heart grow fonder. You two haven't even been together enough to see the yucky parts of each other which is the true test.

IMO, you should move on and try to do everything in your power to forget this man. There are other nice unattached men out there. Yes... I say 'unattached' because right now he IS still attached and of course he will tell you all the bad stuff about his marriage but every marriage has ups and downs.

Please don't lower yourself to this behaviour.

Good luck

July 28, 2011

I hate to say this but what you are doing is bordering on stalking...

Yes, he has shown 'some' interest BUT he is trying to tell you nicely to back off.
Do you really want only half of a man? I mean him saying that 'it is a tough time right now' translates to... YOU are NOT a priority and he wants to deal with his life on his own.
I bet he is still trying to work things out with his wife.

he IS still attached and of course he will tell you all the bad stuff about his marriage but every marriage has ups and downs.
Please don't lower yourself to this behaviour.

Good luck

OK I have to agree with this post.

I believe it is a form of stalking...he has basically told you to back off he'll contact you when he is ready. Him saying he is going through a rough time is guarenteed nicely saying he's trying to get his sh*t straight.

Guess what he is a married man..anyway you want to slice it. The relationship/friendship was twisted and some would consider it an emotional affair. You became emotonally invested so I would say it is an emotional affair.

This man is dealing with his wifes affair. Yes he may say he is leaving her. Heck how do you really know he was telling you the truth about his wife. With you in the cheering section - him telling you the bad things in his marriage was going to happen. Not like him telling you all the good things about is marriage and his wife is going to keep you on a string right?!?!?!?!?You were probably his lil ego boost. Who knows - like the poster above said.. chances are he is probably trying to work things out wih his wife. She is is wife, if you don't respect your own husband to divorce before you get involved with someone else...heavens..respect his wife and his marriage. Let him decide what he wants.

Now that being said. I am not pointing fingers at you directly. He is just as much to blame. He allowed you to become emotionally invested at the beginning. Who knows...maybe he's starting to fix his own marriage and maybe he told his wife about you. Maybe that's why he's not returning your calls.

Don't worry about the friendship...that ship sailed the moment you got emotionally involved with him..you can't just go back to that...a line was crossed. If he chooses to save his marriage....that trumps your friendship

You are not apart of his marriage so let him make his own decision whether he stays or goes without pressure or influence from you. I mean really if you honestly cared about him and respected yourself you'd have told him right off the word go to get his marriage dealt with and then contact you. I'm sorry to say but I think he just used you when he had the chance as a quick ego boost not thinking you'd be basically stalking him. Stop wasting time on him right now. If you don't it will only end in hurt and it will probably be you hurting.

Seems like you have some issues you have to deal with yourself. Take care of yourself first. If you plan on divorcing your husband - then do that before you bring anyone else into an already messy situation.

Good luck.

July 28, 2011

I would not say you are stalking him because he never tells you to back off. Instead he gives you very mixed signals, which is cowardly of his.

I think he is not interested in you but does not have the balls to tell you.

Save your friendship and love for someone who is genuinely interested in you.

July 28, 2011

Stop all contact with him. It may hurt you, but have you ever thought that maybe she started something because she found out about you? It sounds to me like you were the instigator in an extra-marital affair. Stop being selfish and leave this behind so that he can find his own way.

July 28, 2011

I agree with PinkIntheLimo. I don't believe its stalking either as he hasn't told you to stop contacting him.

I don't think he is being honest as it would appear to be from what you posted that the contact is definitely one sided.

If it were me, I would not initiate any more contact with him. He has a lot going on in his life and I would leave him to it.

July 28, 2011

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your imput.

Stalking? really? I don't think I would call it that. We have been friends for 3 years and he was very happy to hear from me when I initiated contact again. He talked about going out for dinner, staying friends at the least and not wanting to hurt me because he did hurt me first time around.

My marriage is done , we basically share the same house but live separate lives. Financially this is the best we can do right now and we have respect for each other and care for each other and share a child.

My question was do I initiate contact again. I really care about him and even if it means we only remain friends I want to know he is doing well.

So why does he say the things he does (unprovoked) "I hope you stay in touch because I plan to" what does that mean exactly?

I am a little impatient (okay , alot impatient and anxietal too) I know this and have a hard time not saying "Hi , how are you?"

Its so very hard to just drop the ball and not contact again. VERY VERY Hard.

Another thing is I have asked him point blank would he rather I not stay in touch and he has been quite adament that he wants me to.

July 28, 2011

Was he lying when he said those things?

Probably. What I learned, both as a MM and OM, is to independently verify or, as one of our former president's opined, 'trust with verification'. This would especially hold true with a 'light switch' personality who disappears without notice nor reason.

IMO, if she was 'stalking', he wouldn't be inviting her contact, repeatedly; instead he would be asking her to leave him alone. His style, for now, is a apparently one of passivity. He doesn't mind her contact and responds as he feels like it.

OP, he knows how to contact you. Wind up your M, heal, then move on and date other men. If he gets in touch, see how you feel at that point, presuming he's divorced (verify that with the court). Otherwise, it's more of a 'tough time right now' and a string-along.

I can tell you, when MM and dealing with 'tough times', I kept OW abreast of details and my plan to move through them. She made other choices and things didn't work out but my plan still executed exactly as I had envisioned and I'm quite happy with the results, though now completely alone. Health doesn't have to include another person. One can be healthy all on their own. Good luck.

July 28, 2011

Carhill, thank you so much. Good to hear the opinion of a man who has been there and I notice you are my age as well. I think we think differently at this age than say someone in their 20's. We are just in a different place.

I would like to contact him in maybe a few weeks time to see how he is doing. I feel I owe him an apology for coming on too strong. I really am concerned about him but feel maybe I shouldn't waste my time if he has no care for me and my welfare.

He was at one point in love with me or so he said, that was 2.5 years ago.

How do you feel about a woman contacting you? Do you like a female friend to stay in touch? Where you unreachable during those tough times?

July 28, 2011

I had no issues with contact and don't recall pushing anyone away. Every person's personality is different. My signals were those of a man who was done with his marriage, once we came to that decision in MC. I think my posts from 2008/09 reflect that process, as that was the time I was going through it.

The only times I was 'unreachable' was when I was out of the country or completely overwhelmed with caregiving. I was more selective about returning calls and being more interested in others during that period as I was focused on my mom's end of life care.

Time reveals all truths. He's not going to forget you because you don't contact him, IMO.

July 29, 2011

Hey Carhill, thanks for your words. I hope he doesn't forget me.

I was unable to read your posts from 08/09 unfortunately.

I loved your line "trust with verification" hope you don't mind if I use it.

July 29, 2011

Alternatively, try this search

You can add specific search terms like 'affair' for example to narrow the results.

Also, a lot of retrospective is contained in my journals, though they are published on a myriad of subjects.

Thanks for bringing this inability to search old posts to my attention. I forgot about the vBulletin 500 post parameter.

Keep us posted on your progress. IME, these things tend to evolve over time and can go in nearly any direction. Some people use the dynamics as exit affairs, some get together and continue on, some end up like I did, alone. Many potentials.

I'm about 4.5 years from first contacting my old MW again, 2.5 years from splitting up with my exW and 10 months post final-D. Healing takes time. It's only been in the past few months that I've really begun to feel positive again. Now if I can avoid bankruptcy

Good luck

July 29, 2011

Can I ask? Where you the one to leave your EXW? I am trying to understand how he is feeling and why on one hand he says he wants to continue our friendship and is always making broken promises of calling me or texting me.

The last time we were to meet for coffee he bailed at the last minute saying it wasn't a good day. But when we talk he is so nice to me and caring. I have told him I don't want to be a pest, I don't want to come off as aggressive because that is just not who I am. He has said "You are not aggressive at all, I would never think that".

I am trying to understand how he is feeling and don't want to lose touch with him. Maybe his fear is that he will hurt me or not be able to live up to my expectations? amongst all this confusion and in his unsettled state and having lost his father this is all too much for him. How do I remain a friend without being pushy?

I don't even know if he was telling the truth when he said he wasn't getting texts or emails. I know blackberry's can be funny sometimes and actually right now my girlfriend who has a blackberry is not getting my texts all of a sudden. But other people are (non blackberry).

July 29, 2011

Can I ask? Where you the one to leave your EXW?

In retrospect, that's unclear, since she had a new man living in one of our homes before we were legally divorced but, prior to my bringing my relationship with MW/OW out into the open, which happened immediately after I actually met her again, I think I had a firm feeling in my mind that we were done. I later described it in MC as 'love dying one day at a time' over about a two year period. During that period, I shared those feelings with my exW and implored her to at least try to meet me halfway. Again, in retrospect, her perspective and actions and words during that time lead me to believe she had already checked out and had engaged someone else, so, if accurate, she actually left me for all intents and purposes. I only mention this because historically she was pretty selfish with her living space and didn't normally live with men she wasn't married to (married twice before me). Anyway, perhaps complex and irrelevant but some insight into how things aren't always what they seem. No one knows what's really going on inside a marriage except the two people involved and, even then, sometimes it's nebulous.

'What I'm hearing from you is that you need space and now is not a good time for us to pursue this relationship. Is that accurate?' Listen.

If so, then 'OK, I want you to take the time you need and wish you well. I have my own marriage to resolve and healing to do. Perhaps someday in the future our paths will cross again. Take care'

IMO, leaving with positive communication and thoughts leaves the door open to the future. If nothing else, it ends things on a positive note.

July 29, 2011

How much I would love to say that to him if I knew he would get the message. The thing is I wouldn't know if he did. If I texted or emailed him and he didn't respond I wouldn't know if he got it or not. I guess I could call him and if he doesn't answer I could leave him a message and then leave it at that. But I got to tell you this will not be easy for me. To drop a statement like that and then leave it ..never knowing ..that's a killer.

Maybe it would be best to text or email to ask if we could talk, that there is something I wish to speak to him about? But then who knows if he gets that either..sh*t.

See how confused i am...lol

You make so much sense Carhill , I just finished reading one of your journal entries about Debbie at the post office. You seem a very thoughtful person.

July 29, 2011

I personally prefer to 'end things' face to face and did so with my exW (we had the 'divorce talk') as well as my former MW. I know it's not possible in all cases and perhaps not advisable in some. That said, I figure, if one can be intimate face to face, one can end that intimacy in the same way. It doesn't have to end permanently, meaning forever, but a demarcation line should be drawn for health. I learned this from the 'string along' with my fMW for many years. Ambiguity is a tool which can be debilitating when wielded with skill and she was definitely skilled. MC brought clarity to many of these issues for myself.

What I do now if a MW (that's my definition of someone who's legally married, regardless of 'circumstances') comes to me is, while politely listening to a point, suggest MC or IC as appropriate and then distance myself. Their stuff is theirs to work out. I'm not interested in either a sexual or emotional relationship, or even really being 'friends'. Not healthy, for me. For someone else, perhaps. Lots of fish in the sea.

Oh, also, if I should run into 'Debbie' and find her single, I'd ask her out in a hot minute. Wonderful lady whose kind words helped me out a lot during some very dark days. I hope she's found her happiness, whether back with her H or with someone new. Next time I see her I'll ask how it's been going. Good will is a two-way street.

Edited July 29, 2011 by carhill

July 29, 2011

I smell a rat.

He sure has lots of excuses.

His wife is having an affair? Sounds like he was the one having an EA, for over 2 years.

Maybe he moved out because his wife kicked him out for having an affair

You met but nothing physical happened. Maybe the reason he doesn't have time to reply is he is too busy with another affair, maybe one that went PA

And how do we know for sure that the OP's H is all for the separation?

July 30, 2011

Are you sure you read my original post? I just know. I know where he lives , i know his father really and truly passed away, etc etc , he does not live with his wife and really i shouldnt have to explain. I was just looking for guidance not someone to accuse me of being dishonest.

Sign In

Firends with a man who is going through a divorce-need some imput

Recommended Posts

link57

ver13

just_some_guy

Lexygirl

Donewrong

PinkInTheLimo

BetterMan

LifesontheUp

link57

carhill

link57

carhill

link57

carhill

link57

carhill

link57

carhill

Meatballsmom

link57

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...