knime32 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 My ex and I dated for almost 8 years and we broke up (if you can call it an actual breakup since there wasn't any talking involved) and he started seeing an 18 year old a week later (we're both 24). She's not a great girl and has a host of problems and I've recently discovered and have physical proof that she is cheating on him with more than one other guy. I'm in a delimma here because I really care about him and I really do love him, and even though things didnt end well and he's done some crappy things in the past and deserves to know what this feels like, I dont think its right for anyone to be cheated on, no matter the circumstances. Do I tell him or let him figure it out for himself or have a friend of his tell him? I know if he finds out and confronts her, she will just deny it. She has him warped and has his every move controlled. She's lost her license for criminal matters and hes a cop, but drives her everywhere she wants to go, pays for everything (because she doesnt have a steady job), and has him on a set schedule and wont let him see or associate with any of his friends or his family anymore (his family used to be extremely close, and she's destroying them) and he has even sent her a friend request on facebook and she blocked him so he cant see any of her activity at all. I know its not my problem and I shouldn't care, but I do. I'm just looking for opinions on what you think I should do. He's tried to contact me several times over the last 2 months to apologize and try and talk and to tell me that he realized he was wrong and I'm his best friend and one of the only people he can trust but I haven't responded (and I wont as long as he's with her) but I feel like this is important and big enough that I should do something!
amethyste Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Do I tell him or let him figure it out for himself or have a friend of his tell him? I think you should let him figure it out for himself. Don't tell him anything; I don't think that's a smart move.
radiodarcy Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 i agree with amethyste, leave it alone. this is a situation of his own making and he needs to find out for himself. if you get involved, chances are the situation will get worse.
flitzanu Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 agreed. not your place to say anything. right now it's you against him. you tell him that she's cheating? it's then you against THEM. no need to create another enemy in this situation when it doesn't really concern you.
nikkinicole36 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I wouldn't get involved either. Maybe this is his Karma coming back to bit him in the ass. Either way if you tell him, you'll just look like the disgruntled angry and jealous ex girlfriend. Chances are he already has an inkling as to what's going on with this girl. She sounds like a real piece of work.
sally4sara Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 If you really want him to know whats going on you'll keep your mouth shut. He will find out faster on his own than if he hears it from you and doubts you're doing anything but trying to jealously break him up with new girl. He is a cop, its his job to be suspicious of motive. His ego will tell him you have a motive - the feelings you still have for him and wanting his new relationship to end. He will not automatically believe you or whatever evidence you have unless you were filming his GF cheating on him.
0hpenelope Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 You know, if you tell your ex, you are possibly setting yourself up in the position of looking like the "bitter ex" that just can't let go. Exactly these: He will find out faster on his own than if he hears it from you and doubts you're doing anything but trying to jealously break him up with new girl. ...His ego will tell him you have a motive - the feelings you still have for him and wanting his new relationship to end. His problems are his problems now. You don't have to share them anymore. If his situation does implode, even then don't do anything. If he comes to you for help, then you can decide how much to do for him.
English-Rose Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I'd keep out of it. And I agree with the comment about karma! What goes around comes around. Beware that he may want to have you as his emotional crutch once he does find out.... But is that the circumstance under which you'd want him back in your life? I hope not!
Author knime32 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm not going to tell him but a bunch of his friends now know too, so i'm sure he'll find out at some point in the near future. Its just really hard for me and its eating me alive that I know about this and cant talk with him about it. We talked about everything and we only ended at the end of May so the wounds are still fresh and the feelings are strong. 8 years is a long time to be with someone and even though karma is coming back around and he deserves to know what being lied to feels like, it bothers me knowing he may end up hurt.
0hpenelope Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm not going to tell him but a bunch of his friends now know too, so i'm sure he'll find out at some point in the near future. Its just really hard for me and its eating me alive that I know about this and cant talk with him about it. We talked about everything and we only ended at the end of May so the wounds are still fresh and the feelings are strong. 8 years is a long time to be with someone and even though karma is coming back around and he deserves to know what being lied to feels like, it bothers me knowing he may end up hurt. Yeah, a lot of us can relate. I think you made the better choice of just sitting this one out. If one of his friends slips up, then the news coming from them will be much better.
Author knime32 Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 so I ended up not saying anything to my ex about his new cheating girlfriend. I feel horrible about how all of this is playing out but at the same time I can't help but find it extremely humorous and the only person I genuinely feel sorry for at this point is the other guy (the one she is in a relationship with...not my ex) A few of his friends found out about this other relationship and confronted my ex about it. He was extremely mad about it and talked to her about everything and she denied everything and he believed her. In comes all of the physical proof and a conversation with the other guy (who right now is stationed in afganistan fighting in the war). She denies it still and he believes her. She says that she wants to marry him, have his children, only wants to be with him (theyve only been together for 2 months and she's 18, he's 24...lets be realistic here) The entire time they've been in a relationship together, she's been in a relationship with the other guy and hiding it from him and is still continuing to date him (carry on coversations, send care packages, talk to him on the phone, etc.) To my ex, cheating is one of the worst things that you could ever do. When we broke up a year ago and were each seeing someone else, and then started talking again, he was furious that i was still talking to the other guy, because he saw it as cheating since we were working on repairing us. This girl is blatantly in another relationship and he's saying he doesnt care and is staying with her. What gives? This just makes me even more confused than i was before. Does this mean he actually cares about her or he doesnt really care about her and thats why the cheating isnt that important to him as it was with me?
flitzanu Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 it means that he's getting laid, and his friends are trying to interfere and insult his current girl. he's not gonna hear it. trust me. never mattered what my friends said about my girl(s), i'd always end up believing my girl and not my friends. you shouldn't worry about his perceptions or feelings, you should worry about YOU. besides, if she's cheating on her man that's stationed in afghanistan? she's a dirty dirty whore. that's probably the worst thing a girl could ever do.
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