Philosoraptor Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 So I've been coping decently, ups and downs and I can see myself progressing through the stages of grief. I'm proud of the progress that I've made and I hope to keep moving forward. But I'm currently stuck in park and can't find my way back to moving. In our relationship we were each other's firsts and just the thought of her being intimate with someone else really eats me up inside. I'm nowhere near ready but it seems like any time we had split for a short time she started dating right away while I haven't been on a first date since we started dating almost 5 years ago. I know mentally I have to deal with it and accept that it will happen, but emotionally I wanted her to be my one and only forever and it's hard to get over the hump that it wont turn out to be that way for us. Any tips on pushing this one out and continuing my progress?
carhill Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 'best way to get over one is to get under another' Not my quote but the gist of it is applicable, IMO. At some point, when relationships aren't about the outside stuff, like what she looks like when she's fµcking some other guy, then 'moving on' will be so much easier. That vision comes from your head. Give it time. It'll come. So, the next lady you fancy likely won't be a virgin. In fact she may have been under a number of men. Her vagina may have been a depository for all kinds of sperm. Process that. You'll get there. It's part of living, presuming you choose to share yourself with someone else or wish someone else to share themselves with you. IME, and I've had LTR's and have been married, when I 'move on', that person ceases to exist in any meaningful way, so the *meaning* of any 'visions' is irrelevant and dismissed. They're essentially a stranger again. That's pretty much it. Good luck.
WeatherMe Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 That's rough man, really sorry. The first is always the hardest and I can remember the pain like it was yesterday. I know this may sound twisted and, what works for one won't necessarily work for another, but what got me through was forcing myself to think about it. I thought about it all the time and after a little while it really didn't bother me any more. I also spent A LOT of time out. I went out with friends when I could, by myself, family... I would go to the park downtown and join in the sports games. Not only did it help but I met a bunch more people and got myself into even more activities. I was so busy I had zero time to concentrate on her. Little by little she disappeared. Are there any interests you have that maybe you haven't done anything with in a while?
Author Philosoraptor Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 I've been doing a lot of catching up on the rest of my life, so for the most part I have kept much busier than I was in the relationship.
WeatherMe Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Well, keep your chin up, sounds like you're doing very well... Everyone has "park" days. That's normal. You should be proud, keep on going and you'll get there. The light at the end of the tunnel is just around the corner.
Author Philosoraptor Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Thanks, it's certainly what I'm hoping for.
radiodarcy Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 (edited) i know what you mean -- the ex was my first too (i was not his first). the last time i talked to him (5 months ago) he couldn't seem to understand why i hadn't moved on to someone else. which really stung. it made me feel like he couldn't wait to have me out of his hair so i could be someone else's problem. surely he was someone else's first and he told me had had his heart broken as well. so how could he turn around and callously expect me to flip that switch in my brain and move on to someone else just like that? but there is no point in asking why. he doesn't want me in his life other than a friend and i cannot handle that. going NC was the best thing i could have done for myself. time really is the biggest healer. i went through a roller coaster of emotions the first few months - - anger, depression, sadness, anxiety. but over time, things started to even out. and i am starting to feel more like myself and focus on my interests and friends and family. i have not nor am i ready to date again and i probably won't be for awhile. i don't believe in rebounds and i think jumping into one would make me feel worse not better. besides i have to have an emotional connection with someone to do that. Edited July 27, 2011 by radiodarcy
Author Philosoraptor Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 I'd agree rebounds aren't for me either. I think it would be unfair to the person I am with for them to get too attached when I'm not ready. I just wish I felt like our relationship meant enough to her for her to give herself some time, but I'm pretty sure she will jump into another relationship fairly quickly. I'm sure it will kill me to know that she's already in a relationship since I know she probably went on a date within a couple days of the breakup. But I have to remind myself that it's got nothing to do with me, and that is just her issue. I'm somewhere between the anger and bargaining stage.
radiodarcy Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 yeah -- not to generalize but i think a lot of dumpers that get into rebound relationship like that are either in denial or not very self-aware - -probably both. but you're right it's their issue and not ours. i was in the anger phase for months. it just didn't seem fair that he was able to move on so easily while i was struggling to get over him. but i seem to be clearing that stage. there's still some lingering bitterness. but i'm hoping that will fade overtime.
Author Philosoraptor Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Well the thing is that I was the dumper, the relationship wasn't right and we were just too incompatible.
radiodarcy Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 ahh i see. well - - i still say it's a bad idea for her to jump into another relationship so soon. it's understandable that she wants to move on from the pain. but it sounds like whatever relationship she gets into is bound to crash and burn if she hasn't healed. i haven't even tried to date for that reason. i'm a late bloomer at 35. if i had to go through this at a younger age i probably would have done the same thing. it sounds like you're both young and unfortunately, she will have to learn this lesson the hard way.
marqueemoon4 Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 'best way to get over one is to get under another' Not my quote but the gist of it is applicable, IMO. At some point, when relationships aren't about the outside stuff, like what she looks like when she's fµcking some other guy, then 'moving on' will be so much easier. That vision comes from your head. Give it time. It'll come. So, the next lady you fancy likely won't be a virgin. In fact she may have been under a number of men. Her vagina may have been a depository for all kinds of sperm. Process that. You'll get there. It's part of living, presuming you choose to share yourself with someone else or wish someone else to share themselves with you. IME, and I've had LTR's and have been married, when I 'move on', that person ceases to exist in any meaningful way, so the *meaning* of any 'visions' is irrelevant and dismissed. They're essentially a stranger again. That's pretty much it. Good luck. I don't even want to know how many gallons I dumped in my exW over an 8yr span. enjoy that, OM.
Finch Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I think the catching up on the rest of your life part is very important. You need to rediscover who you are on your own. Doing that will eventually help you see yourself as yourself again, as a whole person in your own right and not only as the 'other half' of a partnership. The stronger and happier you are on your own, the more you will have to offer in a subsequent relationship. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone, but you were wise enough to realize that this relationship wasn't the right one for you and you accepted the difficult task of ending it. You should take pride in the fact that you did the emotionally mature thing. If you aren't ready to date then you aren't ready to date. You will know when you're ready to get back out there. However, there's nothing wrong with spending time at someplace like a co-ed gym - you can work out and casually take a look around while you're there. Your self-esteem will go (or stay) up from the exercise. You don't have to approach anyone, but it would allow you to notice people noticing you and that in itself can be a confidence boost. Another option is to create an online dating profile. Again, not with the sole intention of finding someone, but as a way to see who's out there and of looking forward rather than staying where you are. I'm not advocating forcing yourself to move on, but setting some things in motion so that when you are ready, you're all set to go. It's completely fine and normal to need time to heal and to be alone, but at the same time don't close yourself off to possibilities. Also, as others have said, those thoughts and images of the ex do fade and disappear with time. The amount of time will vary from person to person, but at some point the 'kicked in the stomach' feeling when you think about her won't happen at all anymore. Eventually an ex becomes just somebody that you used to know. That thought may seem sad to you now, but it's really one of the best things about time passing - that we do start to forget and we do naturally move on. Stick with it. You're going to be fine.
Author Philosoraptor Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 ahh i see. well - - i still say it's a bad idea for her to jump into another relationship so soon. it's understandable that she wants to move on from the pain. but it sounds like whatever relationship she gets into is bound to crash and burn if she hasn't healed. i haven't even tried to date for that reason. i'm a late bloomer at 35. if i had to go through this at a younger age i probably would have done the same thing. it sounds like you're both young and unfortunately, she will have to learn this lesson the hard way. Yea and at times I wonder if I worry about her or myself more. I'm a young homeowner with a good job (money wise anyways) and a lot of good things in front of me, and that helps me keep my sanity. I took care of her for years and sometimes I just worry that out on her own she wont have that safety net that I provided. I could take care of the both of us, and did so, for a long time so she was always allowed to take her time and find something she really wanted to do work wise. Now she needs to move out (hopefully sooner or later because my therapist says it will help me heal) and on her own and I worry about her. I think the catching up on the rest of your life part is very important. You need to rediscover who you are on your own. Doing that will eventually help you see yourself as yourself again, as a whole person in your own right and not only as the 'other half' of a partnership. The stronger and happier you are on your own, the more you will have to offer in a subsequent relationship. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone, but you were wise enough to realize that this relationship wasn't the right one for you and you accepted the difficult task of ending it. You should take pride in the fact that you did the emotionally mature thing. If you aren't ready to date then you aren't ready to date. You will know when you're ready to get back out there. However, there's nothing wrong with spending time at someplace like a co-ed gym - you can work out and casually take a look around while you're there. Your self-esteem will go (or stay) up from the exercise. You don't have to approach anyone, but it would allow you to notice people noticing you and that in itself can be a confidence boost. Another option is to create an online dating profile. Again, not with the sole intention of finding someone, but as a way to see who's out there and of looking forward rather than staying where you are. I'm not advocating forcing yourself to move on, but setting some things in motion so that when you are ready, you're all set to go. It's completely fine and normal to need time to heal and to be alone, but at the same time don't close yourself off to possibilities. Also, as others have said, those thoughts and images of the ex do fade and disappear with time. The amount of time will vary from person to person, but at some point the 'kicked in the stomach' feeling when you think about her won't happen at all anymore. Eventually an ex becomes just somebody that you used to know. That thought may seem sad to you now, but it's really one of the best things about time passing - that we do start to forget and we do naturally move on. Stick with it. You're going to be fine. Yea I'm finding things that I like, spending more time with the other people in my life, and I even have caught up with and made new friends. I'm really working hard on myself and doing what I can to allow myself to heal. I did let the relationship go on much longer than I should have just because I wanted so much for it to work out. I feel like I loved her for the person she was but I was always asked to change so much and I lost who I was. By the time she actually started making an effort I was just too beaten and scared to be myself around her that I could never remind myself of who I was before I was in that relationship. I just spent so much time thinking that I wasn't good enough and no one would want me for who I am anyways. I really tried giving her everything but when I wasn't what she wanted I changed a bit here and a bit there and before I knew it I had no sense of self and no idea who I was. I'm actually on a dating site and I have lots of women interested in me as I'm not bad looking and I have a lot of positive things about me and in my life. I can tell my self esteem has went up a lot and that really helps me get past a lot of things. I used to walk the line between confident and cocky (but in a funny way) and I was happy with myself like that. I had a natural ability to attract people towards me due to my confidence and optimistic approach to the world. But even with all of this, I still miss her. But hopefully that will fade in time. I'm hoping that kick in the gut goes away. For the most part I keep myself busy enough not to think about it too much and just talking to people really seems to help me a lot. Even my dreams about her aren't like they were during other breakups from the past. Instead of being happy they are actual reminders of the issues that were part of the relationship. Like last nigh I had one where we got back together and instantly I felt like "Why did we do this? It's not going to work out anyways". And I had another where I was so worried about her and I went rushing to rescue her and when I made it to the top I got yelled at instead. Just reminds me of how I felt unappreciated and how no matter how hard I tried I never felt like I was good enough.
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