I could use some outside perspective

[Isabella-b]

I really want to make my relationship all that I know it can be.

Aside from reading quite a bit online, I really feel the need to talk to someone about the things that are troubling me. I would really appreciate some outside perspective and advise. Unfortunately there are few people in my life that I am able to talk to. My partner included.

 

I believe this perhaps to be my main concern, the communication between myself and my partner is nothing like what I’d have it be.

We have been together about a year, thought we had been quite close for a year before that. Our relationship has had a lot of upsets and things holding it back, and it has really only been a few months ago that we (more especially he) have gotten past a lot of those problems.

However, I don’t think we really ever discussed them properly, not in a way that I feel I have been able to let it go completely and move on. At times I have a lot of left over anxiety, trust issues and low self esteem.

 

Our lack of communication makes me feel very isolated. I have tried desperately to talk to him, and I am willing to accept that I am not handling it as best I could. I know men can listen and understand things in a different way, I have been trying to understand this better.

I would like to plan a discussion with him, where I am prepared with what I need to say and the best way to say it.

But he never feels available to me. We both work 40hrs a week, and he is often too tired or preoccupied for a deep discussion. Or for much discussion at all.

As loving and affectionate as he often is, he has also always been very closed off, and quite private and guarded with his real thoughts and feelings.

 

As much as I dislike it, I have often read some of his txts and fb msgs; the only reason for this is because he has always been so overly guarded about his msgs, deleting the immediately and now having a lock on his phone. While I respect his privacy and don’t read everything, I however have in the past found things that confirm him keeping things from me and such things as keeping up an inappropriate dialogue with and ex –when I confronted him about it, he insisted that he was only trying to ease the gilt he felt for how things work out with her, and that he felt in debt, and wished to repair their friendship. I believe he has let it go, and now ready to be happy in this relationship.

 

I am not an overly jealous or clingy gf, in fact I strive to be the opposite, however when he tells me that he doesn’t have any real close friends bar one male friend. None that he really see’s, it bothers me that he won’t share more with me who his friends are. While he may not be overly close with them, a friend from his old work for instance, they exchange msgs that I find offensive to our relationship. I may be wrong, but I feel there is certain language you reserve for you partner (or only my close girlfriends), such as ‘babe’, ‘lover’, ‘babycakes’, ‘beautiful’ ‘ILY’ and xxxxxx.

I don’t believe he would cheat on me. But this hurts my feelings. Especially when if I sent msgs like this to my male friends (which I never have, to avoid sending the wrong signals) I know he would be upset.

We don’t spend much quality time together, especially lately as he has been working on a project at home in the evenings. And yet every night while he is shut away in the computer room ‘working’ he has time to chat on fb to another of his ‘not really friends’ girlfriend, when he can barely hold a conversation with me. I understand that people need time and space to enjoy other friendships, and I shouldn't be upset about that, but I work all day to enjoy a few hrs whith him in the evening and I dont really get too

 

Our sex life/ intimacy is also disappointing, I crave closeness, passion and romance from him. We make love maybe once a week to two weeks, and I am almost always the one trying to initiate it. He is not romantic, and sex is -while affectionate- physically unsatisfying for me, I have not been able to finish for well over a month. He loves to cuddle but I feel the need for more sometimes.

 

I am becoming quite edgy and stressed, I am a lot more testy around him than I normally would be.

This is my first serious relationship, we are living together and I don’t know how to make things better. I love him very much and would spend the rest of my life with him, but these things are making me doubt our relationship, I hate feeling this way, especially being the one to see them.

 

Sorry for the essay, but I could really use some help

[Lucky_One]

I know that you don't believe that he would cheat on you, but the SO's of a million other people have said the same thing - and been cheated on.

 

I see a lot of red flags here.

 

1. A fairly new relationship (about a year) that only has sex 3 times a month, on average.

2. A man telling a work friend from an old job 'I love you' or calling her 'lover'

3. An unwillingness to have you meet his friends

4. He is shut away in a computer room at night, chatting or texting to other women.

5. An inability to communicate

 

I would say that your relationship is in real trouble. What exactly is a project that he must work on at home every night in the evenings? What if you were to start taking a book into the room where he is so that you can at least be around him - and what would his attitude be about that (would be be angry, or tell you he can't concentrate bc you are bothering him, or would he be happy that you just want to be around him even if you are not interacting).

 

While he might say he doesn't have the time, energy or inclination to hold a deep discussion, he certainly had the time, energy and inclination to make a PAST relationship better. If he can take the time to make his exGF feel better about their finished relationship, then he can take the time to make YOU feel better about his CURRENT relationship.

 

You can wobble around the topic all you want for months and years, but until you insist on talking with him and tell him frankly that your R is in deep, serious trouble and if he doesn't participate in trying to make things better (being more open, more sexual, zero flrty contact with other women), then you will be moving out.

 

But you must be serious about the moving out part. If you really want this to work, then you must be pro-active and willing to draw a line in the sand showing him that this is very very important to you.

 

Good luck - I would be furious and hurt about my BF saying I love you to any other woman or calling anyone else babycakes or lover. He is acting shady, and he should be acting open.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I have to agree with Lucky One, OP. These are the classic signs of infidelity.

 

And even if he's being faithful, here's where you step back and ask yourself: what is good about this relationship?

 

If the list is tremendously shorter than the multiple paragraphs of problems you've posted about, I think you know that it's not working out.

[thatone]

stop believing all the BS you read about "clingy" and "needy".

 

you're in a YEAR LONG RELATIONSHIP. those games people play in the first few dates are well over with, or should be.

[Isabella-b]

Thanks for the replies, it makes me think a little more clearly.

 

I know things need to change, I've know it for a long time. As much as I would like to think things have been just a temporary relationship slump; living together for the first time, both starting new jobs and money stress.

 

His project is a movie for he last job (he finished there a couple of weeks ago) for their awards night. He started it before he left. But he just finished it (thanks god).

 

Its been hard for me to express to him how much these things bother me and even why. Sometimes even I can't say exactly why I'm so upset.

 

But writting all that down and seeing your feedback, I feel a lot more confident in approching him about it and making a change.

I have spoken to him briefly, and have arranged that on the weekend we will be sitting down -pre prepared- and in the right frame of mind. Keeping it real simple and straight to the point. I think it will be the best chance.

 

I have a lot of faith in this relationship, and if we can both find a way to work together I do believe it can go a long way. But yeah it is time for a change!

 

Thanks again guys x