Reckless

[C.Lee22]

Hello everyone,

 

I guess I will start off from the beginning, and thank you in advance to all who are reading this. It's going to be long as I'm notorious for writing novels of things. And it's nice to get it out and talk to people who can relate and aren't just telling me what I want to hear.

 

So four years ago, around this time, I started dating an incredible man. We started out as friends, hung out multiple times a week for 12 hours a day just him and I, and after a few months of this we reluctantly agreed to start dating. We knew there was something more than friendship, but we had both been in long-term relationships before and were hesitant about getting involved with someone new, even though we had both been single for over a year. He was more concerned about "what if it doesn't work out and we hurt one another", I was more concerned about his innocence and him realizing somewhere down the road that he wanted to have his "slut stage". I had ended my previous relationship because of this, I wanted to experience things while I was still young so I went out and "found myself" so to speak. He was always adamant that this would never occur for him, that it simply wasn't who he is or who he ever wanted to be. So hesitantly, but also eagerly we started dating.

 

About two years in he brought up "the future" conversation. He was starting to feel very serious and very freaked out about our relationship and was trying to figure out where we both stood on the matter. Now, I'm not tooting my own flute but I happen to know that I am a kick-ass girlfriend and much more relaxed, independent, and laid back than most. I had never pressured him nor was I ever intending to. And I was never jealous. So I told him that I was still happy and that I wasn't having a serious case of the "wandering-eye" and nothing further really developed from that conversation.

 

A year later, this past Autumn actually, the conversation got brought up again. He had been away all summer for his job in a location that is very isolated and limited us to only being able to meet on MSN a few times a week to chat for 5-6 weeks at a time. He came home for two weeks at one point and we went on a fun road trip, everything was normal. He returned home early his second and final rotation home, and surprised me by showing up at my house on a night we were suppose to meet online to chat. I had no idea anything was wrong as he was finally surprising me and doing such loving things.

 

But that Autumn he told me that he had grown "complacent". How he wasn't sure if how he was feeling was just comfort, or if there was someone better for him out there. How NOW he was wondering if he needed a "slut stage" or some time alone. How he kept thinking he needed to be "free of a relationship". I calmly walked with him, listening while he told me all of this even though inside I was dying. Like most of the posts I've read on here, I thought our relationship was near perfect. Nobody's perfect of course, but we never truly fought. Our sex life was passionate, our connection still intense. I supported him in EVERY aspect of his life including where his future career would take him (being away from home for half the year is not something every person would handle easily), and his weird hobbies. We cooked together, we entertained... we were the "married couple" of our large mutual group of friends. He insisted that he loved me and that he didn't want to not be with me, he just wanted me to know how he was feeling and to talk him through it.

 

Naturally, I advised him that it was GIGS. That he was just freaking himself out about the future, even though I never really discussed it or pressured or anything. Any time anything was mentioned it was solely on his behalf "we should live together next year. I'll move wherever you end up working". "When we get married..." "We should name our son...". It was NEVER me, always him. So yadda yadda yadda, after what in retrospect feels like convincing him to stay with me, he calmed down and thanked me for talking it out with him and helping him see that he was being foolish.

 

Things went back to normal.

For about..... four months.

 

March rolled around and he grew unhappy, this time I could tell. So I forced him to discuss why with me. It was a super stressful time in his life as he was finishing up an undergrad thesis, and he was beginning to change. He was starting to outgrow friends he had had since highschool and currently resided with as roommates. He was beginning to question his career choice, "how am I ever going to have a family with this sort of a career"? He was beginning to even lose love in his hobbies. Like a good person, not even a good girlfriend per-say, I advised him, and comforted him. I was so focused on making him happy that I wasn't even aware of how emotionally draining this was for me and how unhappy I had became.

 

It took about a month for me to realize. I honestly began to feel like I had spent the last 8 months of our relationship struggling, fighting and begging him to stay with me. I think there came a night where we were laying in bed and the thought popped into my head, "just dump him". I knew I was going to have to be the one to end it, I've always known. I've always been the "stronger" one. I'm so sick of people telling me how strong I am all the time, I wanted to be the weak one for once. I wanted to be able to depend on somebody.

 

I told him that I needed him to commit to me. I didn't need an engagement ring, but I needed to know that I was number one. I didn't want to battle long distance all summer (he was going back to that job he had last summer, and I was moving 4 provinces away in Canada to work, just for the summer though). I didn't want him to settle, I didn't want to be on the back burner. He shouldn't have to think about wanting to be with me, he should just know.

 

He asked me to give him a week to think things through. On account of exams (it was April, always a fun month) and his thesis, and his already abundant stress... I reluctantly obliged. Why, I have no idea but I guess I was just hoping he'd have some drastic epiphany in that time. Of course, that didn't happen or I wouldn't be writing on here.

 

It was the day of my last exam. I had just finished writing and found out that I passed all of my exams. We had fundraised the last 2 years at my school for a grad party that was to occur that night, so I was pre-drinking with my friends when I received a text message from him. He apologized for not treating me how I deserve, claiming how I deserved so much better. I told him that he had no right to make that decision for me, and how I knew what I wanted and what I deserved but at this point I was panicking. He followed up with, "I'm sorry but my heart doesn't seem in this anymore".

 

I stopped responding, went to the bathroom and secretly cried my heart out. Then it was time to head to the party with my friends, which I went to, but I kept secretly running to the bathroom balling and trying not to vomit. I was trying very hard to keep myself together, but I knew a 3 and a half year long relationship was over. I ended up leaving the party, having only been there 15 minutes and went wandering around town. He kept texting me asking where I was, I said "walking" and he drove around town trying to find me. Eventually emotion over-took me and I collapsed on the ground on some street balling.... exactly when he had driven by and found me. He pulled over and ran to me, and awkwardly held me as I cried. It's a strange thing being comforted by the one who's destroying you inside.

 

He never said it was over, I was the one to end it. I told him that I was done fighting. He had never fought for me, he just kept telling me he was unhappy every three months but never tried to change anything. We both cried for hours that night and it ended with him dropping me off at the park where we use to meet to talk. Where we had our "should we start dating" conversation, 4 years ago now. I kissed him and said goodbye, then walked over the train tracks to my house.

 

He told me the next day that he ran after me after I left. But I had already gone inside. I asked him why he told me this and he said "I just wanted to spend more time with you". He doesn't think the same way as most people. That's definitely not what I would have assumed had I been waiting there when he came after me.

 

We hung out three times immediately after breaking up, twice alone and once at a party. I haven't seen him in person since, it's been almost three months. He was still kissing me goodbye but I was angry at how easily he had seemed to be handling things. He even hung out with another girl a WEEK after we had broken up.

 

Every time we spoke after breaking up his story changed, or something hurtful was said to me. Suddenly it was that he "didn't love" me the "way he use to". His hangout with this other girl was non-chalantly thrown in my face, to which he followed with sincere apologies "I didn't tell you to upset you, nothing happened I just thought you had a right to know I had seen her". He had no idea how to act around me so I cut him out of my life for a couple weeks and took off to Europe for a much-needed vacation.

 

It's been just over three months since we broke up and I'm still not sure exactly what to do. I know breaking up was the right decision. He wasn't treating me right, and I understand him needing to be "free". Most of my friends, and his family even kept saying to me "you just need some time apart... it was bad timing for you two right now, with the distance and everything.... you never know, you could get back together".

 

At first we toyed around with the idea of "getting back together" in September when he's back home, and I may or may not be. We thought maybe we just needed some time apart. We've gone a few weeks here or there without communicating, and any time we did for the first two months was a random e-mail here or there, never discussing anything emotional. He called me twice on his rotation home and again, just small talk. I didn't think we'd be able to be friends so soon, but it doesn't feel foreign to me. It feels like nothing has changed which makes me question: did we fall out of love a long time ago? What aren't things more different? I never get upset talking to him, the only time I've been upset was tonight which it why I'm writing on here.

 

I found out tonight that the night we spoke on the phone last, last Tuesday actually, he had spent the entire day with that girl he saw a week after we broke up. Yet called me afterwards and talked to me like it was no big deal. And it stung a lot to find this out from somebody besides him, though I'm sure it would have stung either way.

 

I guess I'm just horribly confused what to do. I never wanted to play mind games, that's not my style. I kept in contact because I figured not doing so would imply that I wanted him to miss me and come back running, which I didn't want. If he was going to come back, he'd come back regardless it shouldn't take a game to make him figure out what he wants. I wanted to still be that person he could confide in as he's a horrible internalizer (like most men I have discovered). But he still treats me the same as he ever did. I know more about his life this summer than most of his friends and I hear from him more than anybody else while he's away. We share the exact same group of friends (minus a few I have here and there, but my core group of friends are his as well) so I wanted to at least remain "civil" so as to save them awkward moments. I feel like I could be with him again... but a him, three years from now and I know damned well that I won't wait that long for him.

 

I've been living my life the best way that I can. I moved out to a completely new place, in a completely new province and I've kept myself distracted. But come September I'll be going home and I know I'll have to see him one way or the other.

 

I asked him two weeks ago where he stood on the subject of us. And he told me that he still thinks about me a lot, but more so as a "pleasant reflectiveness" and how he has "been fine this past few months, as I'm sure" I had been. I then said, "so we're just friends, not trying to get back together?" and he said "yes, I think so". I told him I was on the same page.

 

I lied to him. I'm not on the same page at all, this still kills me inside but I try not to let it get to me and I've been getting better.

 

Do I cut him out from my life, or keep in touch vaguely? I know you're suppose to cut off contact right away, but since I already messed that up and been incredibly reckless with my emotional well-being...

 

Any advice, anybody?

[C.Lee22]

I read:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/

today and it's helped me a lot. I completely already f'ed up the "get out of their lives nooooooow" part though.

 

Maybe it's not too late to try.

[wilsonx]

Its never too late to go NC. Just disappear. You do not want to be friends with an ex. Your instincts are telling you that something isn't right and you ended it. Good for you.

 

Now you are having a struggle internally between your heart and your head.

The more time that passes and you separate from him and the more you work on you, the more your head will start to prevail in this fight. You will start to see the relationship for what it truly was.

 

Its my turn to story tell for you. Did you notice how he became more and more distant when he went away. Its because he got feelings for someone else. He just did not want to tell you that to protect his ego and not want to be the bad guy.

 

Now for me doing my LS duty in helping people deal with this tragic type of breakup, you made the right decision ending this relationship. You maintained your dignity and respect for yourself. You need to cut out all communication with him. Handle the exchange of items/money ASAP and then exit his life 100%. Block him and mutual friends on facebook. Start living YOUR life again, start moving forward, do things that you want to do. Do not think he is going to come back in your life anytime soon. If he does, its not going to be the same more like a friends level or a fwb level. You do not need friends like this in your life, go out and make new ones =)

[C.Lee22]

Hey Wilsonx,

 

Sorry for the late reply. Thank you for your advice. It's been 12 days so far, NC. Let's see how long I can last!