Stupid Girl Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Hi Loveshack, I was thinking... Looking back at my dating life so far, I've had 4 serious relationships (meaning: lasted longer than a couple months, the word "love" was used, etc), and I realize, in each one of them, I've been the person broken up with. They all came back eventually (some within days, some within years), but in every case it was he who initiated the breakup. On the other hand, with all the short and or meaningless "relationships" if you'd even call them that (flings) I've been involved in, I'm the one who ended those. Basically, I guess, if the guy made it past being my fling, he would eventually come be in a relationship with me, and subsequently break up with me. What does this say about me? Does anyone have similar (or radically different) experiences?
musemaj11 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 It means maybe you are boring, cheap, or not very intelligent for those guys.
NursingGirl Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 It means maybe you are boring, cheap, or not very intelligent for those guys. Whoa. You are a friendly one, aren't you? It could possibly be that most relationships don't make it past the 6 month period of time anyway. It could be something totally different since we have very little information. I would like to know what caused you to pick your username though.
FinOuch Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Hi Loveshack, I was thinking... Looking back at my dating life so far, I've had 4 serious relationships (meaning: lasted longer than a couple months, the word "love" was used, etc), and I realize, in each one of them, I've been the person broken up with. They all came back eventually (some within days, some within years), but in every case it was he who initiated the breakup. On the other hand, with all the short and or meaningless "relationships" if you'd even call them that (flings) I've been involved in, I'm the one who ended those. Basically, I guess, if the guy made it past being my fling, he would eventually come be in a relationship with me, and subsequently break up with me. What does this say about me? Does anyone have similar (or radically different) experiences? It could just mean that you tend to be more dedicated in relationships than the people you've been getting involved with. Without knowing you or, at the least, more details...I don't think anyone can really answer that.
thatone Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 (edited) i think you're going about it the wrong way, depending on what you want. now other men on here will give me grief for saying this i'm sure, but whatever.... no man is going to turn down sex from a woman he's attracted to, but sex for men is not as emotional as it is for women. it's simply another step in a relationship. so if you start out as a sexual fling, you had better be amazingly compatible beyond that, or he will get bored. that's why, in my opinion, if it's long term relationships you're after the common advice of waiting awhile for sex isn't a bad idea. you can't string him along forever, but you can keep it off the table long enough to make sure that after the 'new' of the first few dates wears off you still get along with each other while just being yourselves, without having your best foot put forward every time you see each other. or, alternatively, if sexual short term dating is all you're after, just keep doing what you're doing. Edited July 27, 2011 by thatone
D-Lish Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Maybe your people picker is off! It might be that you're choosing to enter into relationships with men that aren't right for you, and those kinds of relationships will inevitably fail. Ever think back and see some red flags once the smoke has cleared when these relationships end?
Dionysus Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 With a username like that, I wonder... I like to keep my assumptions to a minimum, so I don't know how your psyche works. Need more info, I think.
GoodOnPaper Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 On the other hand, with all the short and or meaningless "relationships" if you'd even call them that (flings) I've been involved in, I'm the one who ended those. If you have been able to end these, then you are not the girl who has always been broken up with.
Sugarkane Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Depends why did you breakup with the flings? And why did the exes dump you?
Eddie Edirol Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 i think you're going about it the wrong way, depending on what you want. now other men on here will give me grief for saying this i'm sure, but whatever.... no man is going to turn down sex from a woman he's attracted to, but sex for men is not as emotional as it is for women. it's simply another step in a relationship. so if you start out as a sexual fling, you had better be amazingly compatible beyond that, or he will get bored. that's why, in my opinion, if it's long term relationships you're after the common advice of waiting awhile for sex isn't a bad idea. you can't string him along forever, but you can keep it off the table long enough to make sure that after the 'new' of the first few dates wears off you still get along with each other while just being yourselves, without having your best foot put forward every time you see each other. or, alternatively, if sexual short term dating is all you're after, just keep doing what you're doing. I disagree about waiting for sex, that wont work. I think what your problem might be SG, is not only your people picker being off, you probably try to push the relationship past where the guy is comfortable, which is a turnoff if he isnt ready yet. Maybe you want to be more serious before he is. You might want to slow down with the progression of the relationship, and dont be pushy in terms of saying "i love you", labels, things like that.
Casablanca Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 It means only one thing..that you just havent found the right person
azsinglegal Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I have a similar history. My long term relationships, I'm always the dumpee but short term the dumper. I think it's because once things get longer term, I jump into the "I love you" and "let's plan a future"...with men who don't want that kind of relationship with me. Then I smother them with what I think is love and caring to get them to stay. I lose myself in them and forget who I am. Which is why they started dating me in the first place. They lose interest because I'm no longer independent, then we break up. I get depressed, lonely, sad....and blame myself wondering what went wrong for months. When really, what went wrong was I lost who I was in the relationship and focused too much on them. With a fling, I'm me and I can end it because I'm still me. With a relationship, I let them control it and when they break up with me I'm lost.
thatone Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I have a similar history. My long term relationships, I'm always the dumpee but short term the dumper. I think it's because once things get longer term, I jump into the "I love you" and "let's plan a future"...with men who don't want that kind of relationship with me. Then I smother them with what I think is love and caring to get them to stay. I lose myself in them and forget who I am. Which is why they started dating me in the first place. They lose interest because I'm no longer independent, then we break up. I get depressed, lonely, sad....and blame myself wondering what went wrong for months. When really, what went wrong was I lost who I was in the relationship and focused too much on them. With a fling, I'm me and I can end it because I'm still me. With a relationship, I let them control it and when they break up with me I'm lost. i keep posting this over and over but men are attracted to confidence for relationship purposes just like women are. and confidence isn't being selfish, or unavailable, or demanding. the same things you are attracted to in men, confidence wise, men are attracted to in women. some women can't grasp that for whatever reason, and mimic confidence by being rude/unavailable, or abandon it entirely and try to be a mother to men, but that's not what stable men want.
azsinglegal Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 i keep posting this over and over but men are attracted to confidence for relationship purposes just like women are. and confidence isn't being selfish, or unavailable, or demanding. the same things you are attracted to in men, confidence wise, men are attracted to in women. some women can't grasp that for whatever reason, and mimic confidence by being rude/unavailable, or abandon it entirely and try to be a mother to men, but that's not what stable men want. You're right. I've read some really great books lately that have opened my eyes and made me really SEE all the mistakes I've made in past relationships. Ones I don't plan to make again. I've changed my entire outlook on relationships in the past 6 months. It's tough NOT to go back to my old ways though, I can honestly say that. But I'm making a conscience effort not to.
zengirl Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Is it all at the same time period/relationship mark? I just think you're picking the wrong guys (not really a big deal -- we'll pick some wrong people before we get to the right one -- as long as it's not ending HORRIBLY every time and becoming wildly dysfunctional) and then you happen to be more invested than they are because you take relationships seriously once you get to the LTR type part, which is probably why you're always the dumper with the fling part. It doesn't really sound like an issue to me, as long as there's no other unhealthy pattern emerging from it, you're learning something from the relationships, and you can feel some growth. Getting it right on the first try isn't always reasonable.
thatone Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 You're right. I've read some really great books lately that have opened my eyes and made me really SEE all the mistakes I've made in past relationships. Ones I don't plan to make again. I've changed my entire outlook on relationships in the past 6 months. It's tough NOT to go back to my old ways though, I can honestly say that. But I'm making a conscience effort not to. if you stick with your plan it does get easier. by refusing to be anyone but yourself you will not necessarily have better luck with men, in fact you might very well have worse luck. but you will leave each one that doesn't work out with the assurance in your own mind that you didn't do anything wrong, and it just wasn't meant to be. that breeds confidence, which will make you successful when you do find one that works.
Author Stupid Girl Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Thanks for the replies everyone! musemaj, I don't really want to grace your ignorant comments with a response, but no, that's not the case at all. Despite my username, I've been more educated than every guy I've dated (save for one, who was equal), and most people have told me I'm objectively better looking than them too. Most of my relationships have propmpted the reaction "How did you get her???" which I suppose, is partially the reason I'm confused that I'm still the one who gets broken up with. D-Lish, yes! Lots of red flags that I was way too blinded at the time to see. I would say my relationships have all ended for the better, but it's still a pattern that I'm never the one choosing the ending of them. GoodOnPaper, I don't consider those "flings" real relationships, so I don't consider my ending them the same as breaking up with somebody. It's more just moving on/forward. azsing, glad to know I'm not the only one who's experienced this Sugarkane, usually I ended the flings because I realized I didn't care to progress into a relationship with that person. As for my breakups, there have been an array of reasons: in two cases, we got into a really bad fight; in one case I was cheated on (we tried to make it work after for a few weeks but it wasn't possible); in the most recent case, he is having a life crisis and wants to be left alone by everybody. zengirl, the first 3 of those relationships lasted about a year, while the most recent was 5 years. NursingGirl, Dionysus - my username is to commemorate the day I signed up to LS, when I found out my now-ex was essentially cheating on me. I felt really stupid for not being able to pick up on it sooner.
zengirl Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Thanks for the replies everyone! musemaj, I don't really want to grace your ignorant comments with a response, but no, that's not the case at all. Despite my username, I've been more educated than every guy I've dated (save for one, who was equal), and most people have told me I'm objectively better looking than them too. Most of my relationships have propmpted the reaction "How did you get her???" which I suppose, is partially the reason I'm confused that I'm still the one who gets broken up with. D-Lish, yes! Lots of red flags that I was way too blinded at the time to see. I would say my relationships have all ended for the better, but it's still a pattern that I'm never the one choosing the ending of them. GoodOnPaper, I don't consider those "flings" real relationships, so I don't consider my ending them the same as breaking up with somebody. It's more just moving on/forward. azsing, glad to know I'm not the only one who's experienced this Sugarkane, usually I ended the flings because I realized I didn't care to progress into a relationship with that person. As for my breakups, there have been an array of reasons: in two cases, we got into a really bad fight; in one case I was cheated on (we tried to make it work after for a few weeks but it wasn't possible); in the most recent case, he is having a life crisis and wants to be left alone by everybody. zengirl, the first 3 of those relationships lasted about a year, while the most recent was 5 years. NursingGirl, Dionysus - my username is to commemorate the day I signed up to LS, when I found out my now-ex was essentially cheating on me. I felt really stupid for not being able to pick up on it sooner. All of this sounds like Slot Machine Syndrome to me. Once you're actually into the relationship, you continue to invest even when it's not working because you don't want to start over. Thus: the guy has to be the one to initiate the end. The relationships and you in them probably aren't the big concern. You just need to not overinvest when it's not working. You have to do some trial and error to get to the right result.
LexiB Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Could it be that you tend to stay in relationships beyond their expiration dare and the guy just beats you to the punch in ending it?
azsinglegal Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 if you stick with your plan it does get easier. by refusing to be anyone but yourself you will not necessarily have better luck with men, in fact you might very well have worse luck. but you will leave each one that doesn't work out with the assurance in your own mind that you didn't do anything wrong, and it just wasn't meant to be. that breeds confidence, which will make you successful when you do find one that works. It's not that I'm refusing to be anyone but myself. But I'm no longer going to lose myself in a relationship. I'm all about compromise, but no longer about making my entire existence about them and forgetting about me and my life. If they're entitled to have friends, hobbies and activities that don't always include me, then so am I. How can I ever expect to be accepted when I'm hiding who I really am?
thatone Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 It's not that I'm refusing to be anyone but myself. But I'm no longer going to lose myself in a relationship. I'm all about compromise, but no longer about making my entire existence about them and forgetting about me and my life. If they're entitled to have friends, hobbies and activities that don't always include me, then so am I. How can I ever expect to be accepted when I'm hiding who I really am? it's amazing to me that more people can't grasp that simple concept.
Stung Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I went through a phase like this for a few years, where I ruthlessly weeded out the vast majority of casual dating suitors, but every time I got my heart involved it ended badly for me. In my case it was because I was not as recovered as I thought I was from some personally traumatic sexual history. I functioned and felt fine under 'normal' parameters, but when someone got close enough that I was actually emotionally vulnerable to them, some new defense mechanisms would come into play. Being vulnerable to a man terrified me, and I became more controlling, more demanding, in order to control my own issues and triggers. I had to learn how to cope with allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable and understand that I could recover from anything, grow more comfortable in my own strength and resilience so that I could let some of my defenses down without such a fight. At the same time, I was working on very consciously and deliberately fine-tuning my people picker, so I only chose to put myself through that with men who were worthy of it. I had a good friend who also went through something more like what azsing described, which I would categorize as a certain level of codependence, also very very common. Both of us seem to have emerged from our patterns, but it took a lot of inner work and involved a lot of scary openness. I think it was definitely worth it, as I'm now very happily married to a man who understands who I am and where I've been.
azsinglegal Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I went through a phase like this for a few years, where I ruthlessly weeded out the vast majority of casual dating suitors, but every time I got my heart involved it ended badly for me. In my case it was because I was not as recovered as I thought I was from some personally traumatic sexual history. I functioned and felt fine under 'normal' parameters, but when someone got close enough that I was actually emotionally vulnerable to them, some new defense mechanisms would come into play. Being vulnerable to a man terrified me, and I became more controlling, more demanding, in order to control my own issues and triggers. I had to learn how to cope with allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable and understand that I could recover from anything, grow more comfortable in my own strength and resilience so that I could let some of my defenses down without such a fight. At the same time, I was working on very consciously and deliberately fine-tuning my people picker, so I only chose to put myself through that with men who were worthy of it. I had a good friend who also went through something more like what azsing described, which I would categorize as a certain level of codependence, also very very common. Both of us seem to have emerged from our patterns, but it took a lot of inner work and involved a lot of scary openness. I think it was definitely worth it, as I'm now very happily married to a man who understands who I am and where I've been. Thank you for your post. I enjoyed reading it as I've had such a similar experience. I used to call myself the "Seinfeld of dating" because I would weed men out for the smallest thing. Then the ones I did pick, had MAJOR issues but I somehow overlooked them. I have serious intimacy issues and I'm working on those. That's why my current, casual relationship, is working for me. It's allowing me to find myself and grow without any huge emotional expectations. I know every week on Thur I go to his house and leave on Sunday. It's totally drama-free.
grkBoy Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 What does this say about me? Does anyone have similar (or radically different) experiences? I don't know what it says. I don't know you personally enough to judge. You could be a perfectly normal rational woman, but the guys could be immature and run from you because they want to remain single or something. You could be a drama queen or become a problem child over time, and they end it when they can't stand you anymore. You could be a boring GF, or the kind who gets all pretty and sexual in the beginning, but turns into the "always in sweats" and "I'm tired tonight" girl when the "honeymoon" is over. Why do YOU think they all break up with you?
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