Tp101 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I am gonna try to make a long story short but I need to know what you all think about my situation. Me and my wife has been separated for almost 7 months now. When this all started she told me that she was not in love with me anymore and that she wants time apart due to me not giving her enough attention and not emotionally connecting with her. I was in shock and thought something was wrong. Come to find out she was cheating on me with her best friend brother. My neighbor had told me he was there a couple of weekends since I moved out. He told me not to her that he told me so I confronted her about it and she denied it and then I told her that she was liar that I saw her here with him. That was a big mistake to say that cause then she thought I was stalking her so she filed a temporary protective order on me. Due to me being a police officer I could loose my job so I got a lawyer and he told me to file a divorce with a mutual restraint to take the tpo off and so the judge agreed and took the tpo off. It has been 4 months since she got the divorce papers and she still has not signed it and I am bothered by why it's not signed. The only reason I could think she has not signed them is the health insurance but I would think that if you wanted the divorce from the get go and if you are still with this man wouldn't you signed it. I am bothered by this. What do you all think?
ShatteredReality Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Depending on the state you live in...you could file for a bifurcation. Well, technically, you can file that in any state, but the time it takes to go through differs state by state from what I understand. You should tell her that you want her to sign the papers so you can move on with your life - having them just floating out there like this will do nothing more than keep the door open for you and prevent you from healing completely from all of this. Her as well - she can't completely move on with this issue unresolved. Give her a date to sign by, if she doesn't, file for the bifurcation.
Author Tp101 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Thanks for the reply as I'm really looking for answers. I wish I could tell her to sign it but I can't talk to her due to the mutual restraint. Yes I do need it signed to completely move on and I thought that was what she wanted. I talk to my attorney and he said we are just gonna have to take it to court for the judge to approve the divorce. I just don't understand why she won't sign it when she asked for it.
ShatteredReality Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I could speculate...I mean it could be that she needs the insurance coverage...it could be that she has some regrets with how things have gone and doesn't want to completely cut ties with you, thus keeping her options "open" in some way - even if she's unaware of this hidden motive....could be laziness....sounds like she's already doing what it is she wants to do, so she doesn't "need" the divorce in order to do those things. You can bet if getting the divorce taken care of would benefit her she would have it done already.
Author Tp101 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Never thought about but I think you are right about signing the papers would not benefit her right as she does get to do what she wants to do. I guess I need my lawyer to push hard on a court date for this so she can sign the papers. I just would have never thought she would be this shady and grimy about the health insurance. It makes angry to think that she is doing what she wants and I'm not getting what I need to move on.
ShatteredReality Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 When a person goes and starts cheating...and gets to the point of leaving...they rarely think about the person they're leaving behind and how their actions will affect them. In a way, they almost have to convince themselves to hate that person in order to justify their own actions...make it less wrong or bad in their eyes...it doesn't make it right, nor does it make it even partially acceptable. I find it helps to understand these things though...can help it to hurt a little less to know it's a psychological break in their brain - not yours.
Author Tp101 Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Yes that is true. I think she made herself hate me and blame me for what has happened cause I did not give her what she needs. In her mind this was my fault. I hope one day she will realize what she has done and how bad she has messed me up mentally. I don't know if I can trust again. For me. If I was in her shoes I would have never layer my hands on another woman. I would have not given up on my spouse cause I loved her so much.
ShatteredReality Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 It will take you a long time to rebuild the ability to trust...it's not going to be easy. Some things you can do, though, are recognize what - if anything - you did to attribute to the breakdown of the relationship. Now, don't mistake me for saying "how did you drive her to cheat" because I am not saying that - not even a little bit ok? What I am saying is, usually there are problems in the relationship that exist before the cheating starts...her actions are still hers...but up until she took that path - what are things you can work on about yourself for the future? Was there an element of neglect? Or the opposite, did you spoil her and give her too much? Any verbal abuse? Loss of passion? Taking her for granted? I am tossing out ideas - not actually saying you did these things...I know it hurts...but maybe analyze the relationship...see where things went wrong before she went overboard....her solution was by no means the correct one - but there are still lessons to learn...and working on yourself will be one huge way you can rebuild your ability to trust. I know you feel like the trust is external - but believe it or not, it can also be internal. I hope that makes sense...this is one of many phases you'll go through...and you may never be "the same" again...but you will heal...and hopefully move forward, rather than stay in one spot spinning your wheels in the pain and hate.
Author Tp101 Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Yes. I know my faults leading up to this situation. There was some neglect and not giving her the attention she needed. The passion was somewhat fading to. I think I was in a big rut and took her for granted but there was some things that she could have fixed to. She was always angry and never happy. She did not communicate to me well. Yes she did say here and there that I need attention but I just didn't get it cause thats all she said All she had to do was tell me that it was serious and without the things she needs this relationship won't work. That would have caught my attention and I would have understood my marriage was in trouble.
ShatteredReality Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 I understand what you're saying. It definitely takes two to make a marriage work, and it takes two to let it fall apart also. One can destroy it alone...but having it crumble piece by piece, that's usually the fault of both parties. I was never trying to imply you were to blame for her actions - all I meant was...now you know what to work on. You'll be less likely to gloss over the warning signs in the next relationship...less likely to be too busy to notice them - because now you recognize them and can pay attention to that part of you. I truly hope you're able to find yourself in all of this. No one deserves the pain of infidelity, and it's the worst way to learn any type of lesson...but just because it's not the optimal way to learn something doesn't mean there's nothing to learn. You might do well, too, to research how to recover from this type of trauma properly - the steps you can take to heal and eventually trust again...take care of YOU. And for sure - getting those papers signed it a big part of it - you need that in order to move forward!
hopesndreams Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Cut her off at the knees! Your self-respect, your self-esteem need to be protected. NC her cheatin' azz!
Author Tp101 Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 The thing is. I already know she cheated so there is no need for spying. I just want her to signed the papers so I can move on. There is no reconcile in this situation. No matter how much I want to go back I can't and that just breaks me.
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