elizabeth26 Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now and I just don't think we will work. Everything is very casual, we hang out and I watch his baseball games on the weekends but I just don't see us ever getting married, his mother has been nosy as **** about our relationship lately and he hasn't stuck up for me! She says bitchy things about how "A good woman takes care of her husband and cleans his house", I said, "yes a good WIFE will do that" and tried to end the conversation and get the hell away from her. When I told my boyfriend he did not seem shocked or concerned, he said he puts up with my parents and I should put up with his. I would never allow my parents to talk to him the way his mother speaks to me. Frankly it freaks me out when I think about how it will be years down the road. I need to get my head straight and figure out what I should do. I don't want to be stuck between him and his mommy, he is a sweet guy but NO THANKS!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Enchanted Girl Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Tell him that if he can't stand up to his own Mom, it's a dealbreaker for you and if he still doesn't, then keep to your word and leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 One thing I've learned for sure is that a mama's boy is a complete waste of time, as far as relationships are concerned. Needy, smothering Mom will always be the #1 girl -- which is pretty gross. And to the son, no matter how much of a loony she is, she's always a poor, victimized saint. I avoid mama's boys like the plague now. Link to post Share on other sites
sleepykitten Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Run for the hills! i dated a mummys boy for 2 yrs, at first as i had never had any experience of this and coming from a broken home i just thought..aww he loves his mum-nice. No, he adored her, he lived at home had done since he split with his last g/f and then stayed there through our 2 yr relationship, she did all his washing etc and he just thought she was wonderful and vise versa. The psycholgical effects are that his ego is massive as he is constanly been made to feel like the sun shines out of his arse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elizabeth26 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Run for the hills! i dated a mummys boy for 2 yrs, at first as i had never had any experience of this and coming from a broken home i just thought..aww he loves his mum-nice. No, he adored her, he lived at home had done since he split with his last g/f and then stayed there through our 2 yr relationship, she did all his washing etc and he just thought she was wonderful and vise versa. The psycholgical effects are that his ego is massive as he is constanly been made to feel like the sun shines out of his arse. Oh, I see this!!! He doesn't live AT home, he lives right next door! His mother acts nice around others but is constantly innappropriate when I am alone with her, grrrrr. I think I mentally checked out of the relationship after his response to her comments now the rest of me needs to follow. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Oh, I see this!!! He doesn't live AT home, he lives right next door! His mother acts nice around others but is constantly innappropriate when I am alone with her, grrrrr. I think I mentally checked out of the relationship after his response to her comments now the rest of me needs to follow. Good for you. If you get iffy, remind yourself of what SK and Ruby said. Mamas boys and their mums are like siamese twins that cant be separated, so get out now. You wont see the big difference until you start dating a man of complete mental independence. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 You wont see the big difference until you start dating a man of complete mental independence. Very true. After I ended a relationship with a mama's boy, my next boyfriend was basically the total opposite. He had healthy relationships with both of his parents, but he was totally grown up and had his own independent, adult life. The sense of freedom and fun with him were incredible after that smothering prison of a relationship with the mama's boy and his sad, needy family. Link to post Share on other sites
sleepykitten Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 [smothering prison of a relationship with the mama's boy and his sad, needy family. I can totally relate to this, his familt although they all were very nice, it all just seemed so smothering, even his circle of friends he had since school who were like extended family, we met in june and i had already had xmas plans, his friends wife was aghast and said "oh no you have to come to @@@@s house, bring your friend, oh you must, she'll be devastated if you dont we all do, etc etc.... My bf always wanted me to spend time with his mum too, hinting and telling me all his ex's got on so well with mum, "ell everyones does mums just well she's mum isnt she", I didnt even do this with my ex husbands mum, I thought that it was just because my relationship with mine wasnt good but several of my friends have said they wouldnt spend a spa day or lunch and shopping with their boyfriends mum unless it was a bday or something. Once i had to be picked up from the phsio ny bf usually did it and i was really looking forward to seeing him-and came out, there was his mum.....he said "well she offered", then of course staying at his, never really got much time with him as he would say we had to eat with them and this would turn into hrs of time "catching up" with them, and they would start their mutual appriciation club of telling me how great the other one was. I remember going upstairs to help get the second single bed out and made for me with her, and about 10 of his shirts were all ironed and hung up around his room. When he came up she said, oh yes your shirts i did them as quickly as i could...cue hugging alot and kissing......10 weeks on and i can safely say I am so happy i am not in that relationship anymore. He made out to me that i didnt like his parents, this upset me as i did i just didnt want to spend my time hanging out there, i'm 38 not 16! Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 it all just seemed so smothering My bf always wanted me to spend time with his mum too he would say we had to eat with them and this would turn into hrs of time "catching up" with them Yes, I experienced this, too. When we first got together, anytime they invited him to do anything, he said yes. I told him I didn't want to see his family 2 or 3 times a week -- once was more than enough. Then he put a guilt trip on me and acted like it would be some huge disruption if I didn't go to dinner with him. I didn't care if HE went. I just didn't want to spend so much of my free time with them. And yes, every get-together turned into this marathon event, and the mom kept trying to drag it on and on. Ugh, I am SO glad I'm not in that situation anymore. I only got into it because I was young and inexperienced. Never again. Link to post Share on other sites
Rinas Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Ex boyfriend was a mama's boy, let her choose all his clothing and all. He talked about her often. I'm also sure that he was most attracted to women who looked similar to her (I looked very different). It was a big influence on why we broke up, she deemed me as 'not worthy' of her son, yet never took the time to meet me. I had tried numerous times to meet her, she would avoid it at all costs. She also would leave phone calls at my house letting me know that he could do better. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
blueskyday Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 He may just be avoiding conflict, which can be a problem. The real test is whether or not he listens to his mama more than you, and if he cares about her feelings more than yours. I agree, mama's boys are to be avoided, and so are ones still tied to their exes emotionally and can't say no to them either. What they have in common is the inability to put their woman in the priority position and to listen to and please HER. Dealbreaker! Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 She says bitchy things about how "A good woman takes care of her husband and cleans his house", I said, "yes a good WIFE will do that" and tried to end the conversation and get the hell away from her. How was she bitchy? You agreed with her. She said something about a marital relationship, and you 100% agreed with her. So why does that make her a bitch? Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 I don't see the "mama's boy" in the OP. Everyone's parents have quirks and attitudes, what she said to you doesn't seem all that big a deal compared to some experiences I and friends have had with obnoxious inlaws. Just because he isn't going to stir up drama with his mother over a single/few comments doesn't make him a mama's boy. True mama's boys talk to their mother several times a day, she comes to their house and does all their cleaning and laundry, they do nothing for themselves. A true mama's boy mama wouldn't be saying anything at all to you, just poisoning things from the sidelines behind your back. The bad ones would be really two-faced, at least this one respects you enough to be straight with you even if the attitude is questionable. Before writing it all off, make sure of what you are really dealing with. I agree with dasein. So he didn't bother to cause any drama when his mum made some comment you didn't like. So what? You're a big girl, you can surely handle whatever talk comes your way. Words only cut when they hit an insecurity. If he's spending hours on the phone to her daily and does nothing for himself, then different story. But as far as the what you've said goes, no big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elizabeth26 Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 How was she bitchy? You agreed with her. She said something about a marital relationship, and you 100% agreed with her. So why does that make her a bitch? NO! It wasn't about a marital relationship, he is my boyfriend. I did not agree with her I AM NOT HIS WIFE!!! I have been dating him for a little over a year, and you cannot tell me she was not bitchy, that isn't something you say to your son's new girlfriend. I am and have always been polite. I am nervous about getting too close to my boyfriend's family as I don't want to cause problems but I try really hard to be nice and go to their functions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elizabeth26 Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 I agree with dasein. So he didn't bother to cause any drama when his mum made some comment you didn't like. So what? You're a big girl, you can surely handle whatever talk comes your way. Words only cut when they hit an insecurity. If he's spending hours on the phone to her daily and does nothing for himself, then different story. But as far as the what you've said goes, no big deal. If you were reading, I can handle the mother, when he backs up her nosiness I am uncomfortable. This is not the only time his mother has done this and she is doing the same with her other son and her daughters boyfriends mother, I didn't think that was relevant but, I guess it is. She tried to tell me all about some comment her daughter's boyfriend's mom made to her about her being passive aggressive. She is constantly talking about how her other son's girlfriend is mean to her son. It's a little unbearable and I am not comfortable around her now. I don't think I'm being childish, am I? Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 If you were reading, I can handle the mother, when he backs up her nosiness I am uncomfortable. This is not the only time his mother has done this and she is doing the same with her other son and her daughters boyfriends mother, I didn't think that was relevant but, I guess it is. She tried to tell me all about some comment her daughter's boyfriend's mom made to her about her being passive aggressive. She is constantly talking about how her other son's girlfriend is mean to her son. It's a little unbearable and I am not comfortable around her now. I don't think I'm being childish, am I? Are those comments, in some way, pointed towards you? If not, than yes, you are being childish IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elizabeth26 Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 Good for you. If you get iffy, remind yourself of what SK and Ruby said. Mamas boys and their mums are like siamese twins that cant be separated, so get out now. You wont see the big difference until you start dating a man of complete mental independence. Thanks Eddie, I don't want to be a Bitch, I've really tried but there is not much independent thought going on with him. I really like how sweet and thoughtful he is but when his Mother gets involved, which is more and more lately, he is just stuck on her and she knows it. She gets the two of her sons to compete for her attention and it's gross. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elizabeth26 Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 Are those comments, in some way, pointed towards you? If not, than yes, you are being childish IMO. You can tell alot about a person by the way they treat others. She does not talk 'to' me anymore she talks 'about' me. I am not trying to be mean to his mother, and I know I am not being childish, thanks for your opinion but maybe you could better explain your reasoning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elizabeth26 Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 I don't see the "mama's boy" in the OP. Everyone's parents have quirks and attitudes, what she said to you doesn't seem all that big a deal compared to some experiences I and friends have had with obnoxious inlaws. Just because he isn't going to stir up drama with his mother over a single/few comments doesn't make him a mama's boy. True mama's boys talk to their mother several times a day, she comes to their house and does all their cleaning and laundry, they do nothing for themselves. A true mama's boy mama wouldn't be saying anything at all to you, just poisoning things from the sidelines behind your back. The bad ones would be really two-faced, at least this one respects you enough to be straight with you even if the attitude is questionable. Before writing it all off, make sure of what you are really dealing with. Dasein, My experience with my boyfriend's mother has been tense for the last few months, she treats him like a child and thinks I should be doing all his washing and cleaning. I do NOT even live with him, I have my own rent and bills to worry about. I talked to him first because I do not want to say anything more to his mother without him knowing what she has been doing and saying. She shows up randomly at his house and does his cleaning and washes clothes for him, she told me that I should be doing his housework. Hell no, he's a big boy. It's ridiculous and I just can't date him. I don't care about what his house is like and things, it is just his meddling mother and him not being able to cut the cord. It's not our relationship, she wants to be in the middle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elizabeth26 Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 He may just be avoiding conflict, which can be a problem. The real test is whether or not he listens to his mama more than you, and if he cares about her feelings more than yours. I agree, mama's boys are to be avoided, and so are ones still tied to their exes emotionally and can't say no to them either. What they have in common is the inability to put their woman in the priority position and to listen to and please HER. Dealbreaker! Thanks Bluesky, I don't think he's a bad guy but he reallyu does have a problem saying no to his family, he is a very good son but he is really a doormat for them. He has dropped me for them 9 out of 10 times and I won't do it anymore. I know I have to accept or reject and I think I deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 I married a mommy's boy... It never gets better. She was horrible to me from day one- very passive-aggressive. She used guilt like a weapon to get my exH to do whatever she wanted him to. In her eyes his family (her) were supoosed to come first, his wife- second. She made no bones about telling me that. She was a crier- anytime he didn't do what she wanted she would bawl her eyes out and call him a bad son... He never stood up to her. I just flat out hated her- I'd never experienced such crazy family dynamics. Even his sister once told me that I'd stolen her brother from their family... He was a consultant that did huge contracts in other countries- I used to see him once every 2-3 weeks for a couple of days. She would expect that he would spend one day with me and one day with her. He would arrive home at 10pm Friday night (usually on the phone with his mother)... We'd spend Saturday doing house stuff, then he'd get up Sunday morning and go spend the day with his mom. He'd come home around 6- then pack the car and drive back to Ohio. He never once stood up for me- I simply lost respect for him as a result. I'd say 99% of the reason our relationship didn't work out was because of his mother and his inability to stand up to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elizabeth26 Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 I married a mommy's boy... It never gets better. She was horrible to me from day one- very passive-aggressive. She used guilt like a weapon to get my exH to do whatever she wanted him to. In her eyes his family (her) were supoosed to come first, his wife- second. She made no bones about telling me that. She was a crier- anytime he didn't do what she wanted she would bawl her eyes out and call him a bad son... He never stood up to her. I just flat out hated her- I'd never experienced such crazy family dynamics. Even his sister once told me that I'd stolen her brother from their family... He was a consultant that did huge contracts in other countries- I used to see him once every 2-3 weeks for a couple of days. She would expect that he would spend one day with me and one day with her. He would arrive home at 10pm Friday night (usually on the phone with his mother)... We'd spend Saturday doing house stuff, then he'd get up Sunday morning and go spend the day with his mom. He'd come home around 6- then pack the car and drive back to Ohio. He never once stood up for me- I simply lost respect for him as a result. I'd say 99% of the reason our relationship didn't work out was because of his mother and his inability to stand up to her. That is what I am terrified of, I am sorry to hear that! I have seen her use crocodile tears and I can't feel anything for her know. I lost all respect for her after I witnessed that. I really feel sorry for him, I can't be with him and I don't know that another woman will after Mommy gets involved. It's just all around sad. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 That is what I am terrified of, I am sorry to hear that! I have seen her use crocodile tears and I can't feel anything for her know. I lost all respect for her after I witnessed that. I really feel sorry for him, I can't be with him and I don't know that another woman will after Mommy gets involved. It's just all around sad. It's sad that some mothers raise their sons to be so dependent on them in such an unhealthy manner. My ex MIL used to look at my H like she was "in love" with him- I'm not kidding. When he would talk, she would get bright eyes, turn her head to the side and stare at him the way a lover would. It was downright creepy. My ex recognized his mother had issues- but after growing up in that environment, it was a part of him. She would call our house 17-20 times a day when my H was home, and if she didn't get him- she'd come to the house and peer into our windows. My ex was really annoyed by his mom's behaviour- but he couldn't confront her, too afraid- because she had that critical angry side that used to come out once and a while... Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 She was a crier- anytime he didn't do what she wanted she would bawl her eyes out and call him a bad son... He never stood up to her. My ex-bf's mom was a crier, too -- extremely manipulative. When he did finally somewhat stand up to her, his family gave him absolute hell. His mom told him she was developing an ulcer and it was all his fault. Pathetic. They could not stand that he was happy and in love and they were all still miserable and alone with no one but each other. Even his sister once told me that I'd stolen her brother from their family... His crazy brother eventually called me and said, among other ridiculousness, "Everyone was happy before you came along." I said, "Actually, *bf* spent a LOT of time the first few months I was getting to know him complaining about how smothering you all were and how miserable you were making him. So no, not everyone was happy." But it was his choice to stay stuck in that sad mire of neediness and dysfunction, and it was his choice to let them strongarm him and interfere in our relationship. For as much as I loved him -- and I would have defended that man to the death -- I have never for one moment regretted my decision to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 My ex-bf's mom was a crier, too -- extremely manipulative. When he did finally somewhat stand up to her, his family gave him absolute hell. His mom told him she was developing an ulcer and it was all his fault. Pathetic. They could not stand that he was happy and in love and they were all still miserable and alone with no one but each other. His crazy brother eventually called me and said, among other ridiculousness, "Everyone was happy before you came along." I said, "Actually, *bf* spent a LOT of time the first few months I was getting to know him complaining about how smothering you all were and how miserable you were making him. So no, not everyone was happy." But it was his choice to stay stuck in that sad mire of neediness and dysfunction, and it was his choice to let them strongarm him and interfere in our relationship. For as much as I loved him -- and I would have defended that man to the death -- I have never for one moment regretted my decision to leave. I grew up in such a normal family that things like this blow my mind! I eventually stopped gong over to their house because she was always insulting me in some sort of way. She used to ask me everytime she saw me if i'd put on weight, lol. The most manipulative thing she ever did was invite him for Thanksgiving dinner- but he declined because we were in a baseball tournament that weekend- so she knew we weren't coming. What did she do? Tell everyone he was coming, set a place for him- and when he didn't show (as she knew he wasn't)- she flew into a convulsive weeping session in front of the entire extended family and ran to her room sobbing on her bed asking everyone how her son could be so awful to her. Of course, that was somehow my fault- it always was. We used to spend holiday dinners apart because I felt so unwelcome there and she would fly into a rage if he ever said he was having an easter dinner with my parents. She was so crazy...lol. I now stay clear of men that have an unhealthy attachment to their mother's. Link to post Share on other sites
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