lady_jadie Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Hi everyone. I originally posted here in 2003 having had problems with really bad jealousy over my then boyfriend's past. our relationship ended up being destroyed over it. since then I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and 'borderline personality disorder'. I was devastated at the time but being only 18 I got over it and eventually started another relationship, where again I had really bad jealousy over his ex-girlfriends and particularly over a one-night stand he had before he knew me. we broke up and i met a wonderful guy who treated me really well. everything was going fine until i walked in on him and his mate having 'boy talk' which i demanded to know the content of. he had been talking about how his ex girlfriend had nice tits (i'm quite flat-chested). this hit me really hard, especially as he didn't see how much it hurt me. i knew i over reacted compared to how some girls would but it really really hurt me. i got over it but then stupidly went through his emails and found some from a girl he met when he spent a year in Australia, she fell in love with him and paid for him to go to south america with her and also for a prostitute to have a threesome with her (he's into lesbians..). In the email where she offered to pay the £5000 so he could go to s.a with her his reply said, wow, you must be my dream girl come true! before we got together properly he'd told me about the girl and how he never loved her and didn't ever count her as a girlfriend but this played on my mind so much i couldn't let it go. everything became a comparison to her, if we were sitting around bored i would think how unfair it was that he had such a better time with her because she could afford to pay for them to do things (daddy's inheritance), if he talked about anything to do with australia, south america, or even if either of those came up on the tv or a book i read or anything i'd get this uncontrollable feeling of rage and hate towards him, basically i couldn't help myself constantly going on about her no matter what he said and constantly compared myself and our life to her and his time (about 6 months) with her. we'd been together two years, he's 31 and i'm 25 and he just withdrew more and more and that made me even more insecure and eventually it all culminated in me trying to slit my throat in front of him, i just wanted the pain to be over and to stop hurting him and feeling all this emotional turmoil. anyway things started to get better when i started a course of 'somatic experiencing' (a therapy) and we had three weeks of no arguing and things were going well but i had the feeling things were definitely not the same. then we had a stupid argument because i was deciding what colour to dye my hair (it's pink) and he said why don't you just dye it a normal colour and i blew up at him, saying 'what do you want another boring generic girl like lucy was' etc etc and he just said he couldn't do this anymore, he was so tired of being scared about coming home from work and not knowing what i'd do or what mood i'd be in. so we broke up. it's been a month now and i miss him so much, i wish he'd jut give me a second chance to show him how i've realised his past doesn't matter, he's talked to my best friend saying i was his best friend and he still loved me and missed me but when i asked him to give things another go he started crying and saying how he still fancied me, loved me, missed me more than anything but had just lost faith in us. I guess the reason i'm writing on here is just to get a wider opionion on this, whether he'll ever give me another chance, if he'll realise what he's lost (because before all this got worse, we were a really good couple, everyone thought so) or whether i've blown it forever. he wasn't perfect either, he can be arrogant and stubborn but i loved him despite this and he often described me as the love of his life, that i was the best girlfriend he'd ever had and he never knew he'd get so lucky as to have someone like me. I just don't want that to all be thrown away over my stupid mental deficiencies. thanks xx
Bito Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Tell him you understand why he left and that you are going to work hard to overcome your BPD. Then go NC. This will give him time to miss you. You need to work at beating your BPD. Sounds like you have never been single. Take time to work on YOURSELF. Stop trying to validate your insecurities by feeling the need to be in a relationship. I understand you miss him but you must look at it from his perspective. You act on your illogical emotions every time something doesn't sit will with you. Nothing is going to be perfect in life and you are flying off the handle each time there is a misstep. This can be exhausting on your lover. I know this is a hard time for you but you have to face your emotions and work on yourself.
Author lady_jadie Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 I knowi need to work on myself, I have been in various therapies since 18, seen CPN's, pyschologists and psychiatrists, tried acupuncture (... it's said to work for some people :/) and am currently doing EMDR and SE. I am also attending a self-esteem group weekly. I just don't understand how he is so willing to throw away something that could be so good, and I was getting better. Sometimes I feel angry because it feels like he started off all the bad feelings, I'd never done anything wrong to him when I walked in on him and his friend's 'boy talk', and he really humiliated me over it (he saw me and said 'we'll carry this talk on later' with a big smirk on his face). then I found he'd gone on this girl's FB he'd professed to being in love with like 7 years ago. then when we were interviewing potential flatmates some overmadeup girl came to look around and he texted our other flatmate saying 'extremely EXTREMELY attractive girl might move in' and then deleted the message so he knew it would upset me. He's really egotistical but gives the impression he's a nice guy, but really i think he's just spineless and hates confrontation and loves girls paying him attention, as other emails and fb messages i read from his past said a lot of BS, calling them delicious, or amazing, when I asked him about them he said he was never really into any of them that much. He said he wanted to marry me in the beginning and we were made for each other, and i believe that he never said that to any other girl. he bought me a baby chinchilla. he said he wanted us to have a baby in the future. I was a really good, kind, loving, thoughtful girlfreind and never did anything else to him, ever. So why can't he see that the one thing he hated, i'm working really hard to get over? Aside from that one issue, all the (minor) faults were on his side. I just really hope that he'll never find anyone he loves as much as me, and when he's realised that he will kick himself for being so stupid and pig headed. I know that is spiteful but I just feel I gave everything in this relationship and it has so much more potential than he'll give it credit for. Sorry for all tha ranting, I'm just hurt and confused and feeling like i F'd everything up and will never be happy again in the future
betterdeal Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Maybe he his own insecurities and issues to take care of and, as such, it is better for both of you to not be in a relationship with each other. Two people with mental health problems together can work well, but it can also "cross-infect" at times and make things worse. Ask yourself this, if you felt so bad in the relationship that you attempted to kill yourself, why do you want to go back there? What has changed to say that won't happen this time? My feeling is, not much has changed. He sounds emotionally exhausted and, being frank with you, once he saw you were in a safer, more stable state, left for his own well-being, and was probably wantig to leave for some time. He just waited until you were safe enough to leave alone. I am sure you will be happy again in the future, and I think this is now a very interesting time in your life. You don't have to deal with the frequent emotional turmoil that a relationship can bring to you, so you now have the space in which to start working on and healing the problems that underlay your mental health issues. Rather than a boyfriend, start working on creating your wider social network with new friends and new activities, healthier eating, exercise, better use of medical resources such as doctors and therapists. Getting yourself into a more stable, self-assured state is good in itself. Don't be sad it's over: be happy it happened.
Author lady_jadie Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 i did ask him after my suicide attempt, if he was just with me because he was scared i would do it again if he left me. he said no, he'd asked himself that and knew he was with me because he loved me. even when we were breaking up and agreeing it might be for the best he said he didn't want us to end, it just had to. you're right he was exhausted and i do think he has his own issues, he's been depressed with his work and money situations but i don't think he understands mental health problems much. after we broke up, when i said i was really working on making myself better and that i never meant to hurt him and we should maybe give it another go, he started crying, got really angry and when i tried to explain it was an illness, that i didn't and would never choose to act that way he just turned around and shouted at me 'it's not like you've been diagnosed with cancer is it?'. his dad is and always has been quite mean to him, puts him down etc so yeah, maybe there are deep-seated issues that he may not ever be able to address. i suppose all i can hope for is that one day he will understand, and that he will never meet someone who he loves as much as me. but sometimes i do wonder if i was never truly happy and all the issues over his past was just me projecting the things that p*ssed me off about him onto that. I just miss him a lot, and our life together because, as i keep saying, everything else was really good and (he said) the best relationship he'd ever had and that he'd been halfway round the world and met a lot of girls but never felt anything near what he felt for me. Thanks for listening guys, this place is really helpful for me at the moment as i think i'm driving my friends and family crazy a bit just asking why, why, WHY?! and it hurts a lot knowing it was mostly my issues that drove us to this point, and i'd lost my job, then had a miscarriage, and basically had reached rock bottom when i tried to kill myself. i do feel sorry for the guy, he saw me at my worst and i guess it makes some couples stronger but not us. And even though i know i should move on I can't stop myself having the tiniest glimmer of hope that he will realise the bad stuff was circumstantial and what we had is worth saving. But yeah, maybe one day I will meet someone who has all his good qualities and maybe a better understanding of my issues. I've pretty much lost hope of overcoming my problems with boyfriends' past girlfriends. It's like a physical, uncontrollable pain.
betterdeal Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I know you have lots of feelings swirling around and it must be terribly upsetting. Just occasionally take a step back from those feelings and remind yourself that you're doing okay and you will get better. A relationship with someone is the meeting of two intricate things, and there are many many ways in which it can just not work out, for all sorts of reasons. What matters now is that you feel good. How you feel good depends on what makes you happy. I've found that just trying out different things has helped me lots, and not relying on one thing (be that alcohol, drugs, a girlfriend, my job etc) is making my life more enjoyable. I like yoga and massage, and these have giving me a lot of happiness. You might want to try some things like that too. The sun will always rise tomorrow. You'll still be beautiful. That's what matters.
Author lady_jadie Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 can anyone please tell me how to get him back? i'm at a really low point and i know in my heart we should be together, i think if only someone he would actually listen to would tell him he was throwing away a good thing, that it wasn't my fault, and that in every other way he was lucky to have found such a soulmate (we enjoyed everything we did together, from video games to the same shows, i was the best he'd ever had in bed, and the most compatible girl he'd ever been with, he would always tell me how kind, sexy, gorgeous, lovely etc etc I was) Why can't he see that now? why is he only seeing the one bad issue, that would have gotten better? is No Contact really the only way to go? will it actually make him remember the good times? we share a chinchilla and it kills me that I can't see him whenever i like too. last time i saw him my ex BF was all 'lionel (the chin) really misses you, he's really happy to see you' which all my friends and family said was him trying to voice his own feelings through. I still have loads of my stuff there and last time i was over to get some of it he offered to help and I declined and he said 'i hate helping you move out, i still miss you and think about you every day, i miss my best friend, I've been so lonely since you left' he's 31 and i'm just so worried he'll just meet some other slut who fawns over him, get infatuated quickly and marry her (i was the only girl he'd ever even considered marrying; he thought it wasn't for him until he met me) and then realise what he lost in me but be too stubborn to give us another go, or feel too bad at leaving the next girl, thus ruining any chance of us being together again. there must be some way of making him see what he's lost before it's too late :(
Mack05 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Lady_Jadie you seem like a nice girl and I don't like giving nice people bad news, but you need to realise he is not coming back. In a relationship there are arguments and situations that you both can recover from. Then there are others that u simply can't. For most people, cheating is one of those things that will destroy a relationship for good. Another obvious thing is any partner threatening self-damage/Suicide.."trying to slit my throat in front of him"..It doesn't matter how good your intentions are Jadie, your partner has switched off from you emotionally and that switch will never come back on again. He almost certainly believes his future lies away from you. The argument with the dye, probably the straw that broke the camels back. I can assure u in his head the relationship was coming to an end a long time before that argument. You read his mails, threatening self hurt, constant insecurity and jealously. No man is going to want to be in a relationship like that. U need to focus on yourself, because right now you are an emotionally unhealthy person. Its impossible for you to be in a happy, nourishing healthy relationship. You can promise him the world and he won't come back. U need to stay in therapy for as long as it takes. U are a good person I can tell Jadie, but you need to fully beat your demons and truly love yourself before u get into a relationship in the future. Until you resolve your personal issues you will keep making the same mistakes, keep driving guys away, keep going round in the same vicious circles.. You need to start the process of letting him go and caring for yourself
betterdeal Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 can anyone please tell me how to get him back? i'm at a really low point and i know in my heart we should be together, i think if only someone he would actually listen to would tell him he was throwing away a good thing, that it wasn't my fault, and that in every other way he was lucky to have found such a soulmate (we enjoyed everything we did together, from video games to the same shows, i was the best he'd ever had in bed, and the most compatible girl he'd ever been with, he would always tell me how kind, sexy, gorgeous, lovely etc etc I was) Why can't he see that now? why is he only seeing the one bad issue, that would have gotten better? is No Contact really the only way to go? will it actually make him remember the good times? we share a chinchilla and it kills me that I can't see him whenever i like too. last time i saw him my ex BF was all 'lionel (the chin) really misses you, he's really happy to see you' which all my friends and family said was him trying to voice his own feelings through. I still have loads of my stuff there and last time i was over to get some of it he offered to help and I declined and he said 'i hate helping you move out, i still miss you and think about you every day, i miss my best friend, I've been so lonely since you left' he's 31 and i'm just so worried he'll just meet some other slut who fawns over him, get infatuated quickly and marry her (i was the only girl he'd ever even considered marrying; he thought it wasn't for him until he met me) and then realise what he lost in me but be too stubborn to give us another go, or feel too bad at leaving the next girl, thus ruining any chance of us being together again. there must be some way of making him see what he's lost before it's too late :( Let go. That's the only way. If you truly love someone, let them go. If it's meant to be, they'll come back. Now, ask yourself, would you date you?
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