flume Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 So here goes my story.. I was going out with this girl who is of another community for 2 years when suddenly I had to move to another location. I don't know if we were in love (we felt like that) but I am still 25 and she a little younger to me. In the new city there were a lot of complications in my life and I was really on the edge all the time. A few months later my friends told that she is cheating on me (I never believed them and even she rubbished it; It was the end of the matter there regarding this, her word was good enough for me). But my life got very complicated enough and I soon started leaning on another girl in the new city. Since, my gf was from another community complications started arising thinking of the future. Coupled with my own complications and my dependence on a new friend (girl) in a city where I was seriously in physical and mental agony (I would not like to elaborate on that) distance within us grew. Our relationship continued to trudge on ,but the new girl proposed to me thinking that I had broken up with my old girlfriend. We started going out and I was cheating. Anyways things went on from bad to worse and eventually we broke up after 2 years (4 years in total out of which last 1.5 I cheated). Wished her good luck and continued. Its been 1 year to that we remained in touch sporadically. Anyways 10 months back I went back to my old city and somehow I just could not shake her memory off me. Something went off in me and inspite of being in the the relationship with the new girl I called my ex begged to take me back. She said she has moved on and has a new guy in her life. Lost all dignity and did all that should not be done (we still live in different cities so all on phone). I even met her once and for a couple of days I tried to convince myself that she has changed and this is not the girl I was in love with but to no avail. Now its been around 3 months of NC (3 messages exchanged just pleasantries). Previously when I went on this forum people advised me to come clean to my present gf the one with whom I cheated. (It broke her heart but she said she was willing to give me another chance), People also asked me to leave my ex alone (I am trying to do that too). But the thing is I still can't forget her, 2 years of great time then 2 years of long distance (which gradually became awful) and more than an year of breakup + 3 months NC I believe. I try to immerse myself in the present relationship all I feel now is remorse and guilt. I try and convince my self everyday not to contact the ex (Manage to do that even in 2 weeks of bed ridden injury). The flashes of the past upset me everyday. What do I do? I can't go back I know. I have already wronged my present gf once I will not do it again by leaving her but somehow there is this engulfing loneliness and emptiness I can't shake off. Any advice appreciated and apologies for the long post.
0hpenelope Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 What do I do? I can't go back I know. I have already wronged my present gf once I will not do it again by leaving her but somehow there is this engulfing loneliness and emptiness I can't shake off. Any advice appreciated and apologies for the long post. Why would leaving your present gf be wrong if you have issues you need to deal with that are, in essence, independent of her and your relationship with her? If you know that you've done your best to work through your relationship with current gf and you're still coming up short for one reason or the other, then what's wrong with letting her go so that she can be with someone who isn't remorseful and guilty in a relationship with her? She can only help you with so much and the rest of the work is really up to you. Are you lonely because you want your ex back? Or are you still carrying guilt from wronging both girls? Are there friends that you can talk to about this sort of thing?
Author flume Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Why would leaving your present gf be wrong if you have issues you need to deal with that are, in essence, independent of her and your relationship with her? If you know that you've done your best to work through your relationship with current gf and you're still coming up short for one reason or the other, then what's wrong with letting her go so that she can be with someone who isn't remorseful and guilty in a relationship with her? She can only help you with so much and the rest of the work is really up to you. How do I be selfish to the same person twice. She stood by me when I was falling apart and in spite of what I did. I had resigned myself to the fact eventually everything would become manageable and things will be fine but after so much time I am just not able to live in the present. I know what I should be doing but I am not able to. Its not a willpower kind of thing that you can overpower your thoughts. Going to gym every morning and NC are different from not thinking about someone. Are you lonely because you want your ex back? Or are you still carrying guilt from wronging both girls? Are there friends that you can talk to about this sort of thing? Personally I think its the guilt but I am not sure about anything. When I broke it was a kind of no hard feelings lets be friends thing and now this. Life is strange isn't it?
0hpenelope Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I don't really have concrete advice to give, but I want to engage you in a sort of "word spar" so you can talk it out and hopefully, be able to figure a thing or two out in the process. How do I be selfish to the same person twice. She stood by me when I was falling apart and in spite of what I did. I had resigned myself to the fact eventually everything would become manageable and things will be fine but after so much time I am just not able to live in the present. I hear you, but it's just as selfish to stay with someone because out of guilt. At the same time, it's understandable to be hesitant to pull out the "Let's break up" card because it means that for whatever reasons, you give up and you don't want to work on the relationship anymore. It was her choice to stay. You sticking by her shouldn't be some sort of "reward" for her; you stay with her because you want to. She stays with you because she forgives you. I'm sure the "reward" idea isn't how you see your actions but as someone who doesn't know the parties involved personally, that's one angle of looking at your situation. There's just as much damage done to someone who realizes that their partner stayed with them out of guilt or out of remorse for a previous wrongdoing. You need to forgive yourself. Let's say you do put the break up into action. The effects of your feelings from wronging two significant others you care about will transfer over. If you're asking for the "hows" of forgiveness, one of the best resources on that is actually someone who you're dating: your girlfriend. How was she able to forgive you begging for your ex even when you were in a relationship w/ her? Have you asked? I know what I should be doing but I am not able to. Its not a willpower kind of thing that you can overpower your thoughts. Going to gym every morning and NC are different from not thinking about someone. Wait, hold on, where did you read that going to the gym and NC would help you out here? Actually, yours isn't something that you can apply the gym thing to as it will only serve as a distraction to a bigger problem, a temporary Band-Aid of sorts. It's your guilt that you're having a problem with. Your girlfriend's able to forgive you. How was she able to do that? If loving you was the strongest motivator to overcome the pain she felt at your betrayal, what else followed from that? You're right. You owe her more than this and, just my opinion, letting your current girl go is on par with staying with current girl, making her a partner through your "monster" of loneliness and emptiness, and working on figuring that out with her. At the same time, remember to be kind to yourself because people do make mistakes and you can be worse. You can choose to not own up to what you did, but you do. You messed up big time with the cheating and your current girlfriend being able to forgive that, in addition to staying with you, is a big deal. I guess you're referring to the standard responses that you see here on the boards. With regards to you bringing up NC, then yeah you need to stay NC not with your current problems (because, as you pointed out, you can't really silence your thoughts and the more you force that silence, you'll find that the more you'll go back to whatever it was you're thinking) but with your ex. Which you've done. Which is fantastic because you're with someone else and she's with someone else. I mean really, if you talk to your ex, what do you hope to accomplish? Closure comes from yourself. Personally I think its the guilt but I am not sure about anything. When I broke it was a kind of no hard feelings lets be friends thing and now this. Life is strange isn't it? Confusion is tough indeed. And I don't really think life's that strange at all. From my perspective, once I learned and accepted that I never really know what life will throw at me, everything suddenly seemed possible. I've seen and learned different and yours is a different situation and yeah, nothing is easy about what you're going through. Be nice to yourself, man. I also just thought of another possibility: your current girlfriend sounds like a rebound based on you saying this - Our relationship continued to trudge on ,but the new girl proposed to me thinking that I had broken up with my old girlfriend. We started going out and I was cheating. Anyways things went on from bad to worse and eventually we broke up after 2 years (4 years in total out of which last 1.5 I cheated). Wished her good luck and continued. There are only two girls here, right? I'm a bit confused with your account because it sounds like you went out with your ex, got with the new girl while w/ ex and you eventually broke up with ex while w/ new girl, and the new girl is current girlfriend. In that case, you never really took a breather or some time for yourself between the two relationships, did you? If this is the case, then it makes sense why you're conflicted. You never really recovered from your ex. You never had the time to yourself to get your heart and your head settled, yet somehow you're convinced that you're doing the right thing by staying with your current girlfriend. That's quite alright too and that's awesome that you're deciding to stay, but you need to work on that "monster" that you still have. Whether deciding to deal with the monster alone, or in the relationship with your current girl, or some other options... hopefully you'll be able to figure it out. I believe you will. Everyone here's figured out how to deal with their stuff sooner or later. Let me know what you think.
Author flume Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 I don't really have concrete advice to give, but I want to engage you in a sort of "word spar" so you can talk it out and hopefully, be able to figure a thing or two out in the process. Thanks a ton, I think that is what will be really helpfull. It was her choice to stay. You sticking by her shouldn't be some sort of "reward" for her; you stay with her because you want to. She stays with you because she forgives you. I'm sure the "reward" idea isn't how you see your actions but as someone who doesn't know the parties involved personally, that's one angle of looking at your situation. There's just as much damage done to someone who realizes that their partner stayed with them out of guilt or out of remorse for a previous wrongdoing. When I thought over this it came to my mind, gradually everything will be fine, these memories will subside and before long I would be normal again but that is not happening. You are right about the damage when someone realizes that their partner stayed with them because of guilt or remorse but there is a damage when she would I did not try to work over things, even when she decided to forgive me, and since its been more than 2 years to us I feel more disgusted at the thought of leaving her. I don't want to be more selfish. I am certain it will make feel worse. Funnily, now we have to stay in different cities due to work (6 hours apart). We spend a weekend together every fortnight. I also just thought of another possibility: your current girlfriend sounds like a rebound based on you saying this - It could be but now its been more than 2 years. It could be a rebound that time but now its a relationship wherein I am at a very strange place. There are only two girls here, right? .... but you need to work on that "monster" that you still have..... You are right on the assumption. I am working on it with all I have but somehow I feel powerless and I that's why I need some advice. Had I discovered this place earlier may be I would not have wound up like this. I can't leave my current gf as I don't want to hurt her anymore and don't want to be more selfish (and there is a part of me which will feel very guilty). I don't know whether I love her or not but I do now it's a monster which is sucking me down. It was my fault at that time, but the circumstances were unbearable and I did not even come to know when I became a cheater. Regarding my ex- going back is not an option she is over me, happy and although there is a part if me insanely jealous I have resolved to be happy for her stay in NC and leave her alone (She never came to know that I was two-timing, our break up was a combination of long distance and inability to move forward togather). But I still keep thinking about her, the time we spent and most of all it makes me feel sad (how could I let all that go away). I am really in a strange place emotionally and it's agonising feeling that you are losing wasting your life away and being helpless to control it.
Author flume Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 I need a little help please.... Anybody??
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