sbradford2 Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I am hurting so bad right now. Me and my kids father have been on and off for over 10 years. In the past he has cheated, lied and was very manipulative. I am not an angel but I know that I have never cheated on him. Its just not me to be with another man and then lie to him about it. He has straightened out alot since. He's sweet, caring and overall a good person. I know that in order for things to work I have to let the past go. It's crazy! One minute I'm in love with him and want to marry him and then the next I can't stand him. My trust issues have really been taking a toll on our relationship. I check his phone all the time and am not turned on much at all during sex. I love this man. But I don't know what to do. This morning he said that he is going to move out and get his own place because we have been arguing so much but I'm afraid to let go. I don't want him to fall in love with someone else because I couldn't be woman enough to put the past behind.
wilsonx Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Its not your fault he's leaving, it's his. Let me explain something to you dealing with an ex who was a cheater. If you had to check his phone and everything else while you were in a relationship, its not a real relationship. He broke your trust a long time ago and like me, you failed to stand up for yourself and say no more. Now that hes moving out you finally have your chance to stand up for yourself and say no more. Him cheating on you is not your fault. Its his. This is a quote my mom told me last week and its actually help me to let go a lot of my ex. She said "Hurt people hurt people." He's a hurt person from his past, you loved him unconditionally, he probably did not love you unconditionally. He hurt you. Now that he's gone you have to make sure he stays gone except for kid related things only.
geegirl Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 When someone cheats on you, it is difficult to get that trust back. And it heightens your insecurities about him and the stability of the R. I understand wanting to keep the unit together. Ten years is a long time and you have a child together. Have you tried couples counseling which in a way will also help him find coping skills when you're struggling. He has to understand that when you cheat, there are consequences. And that means losing the trust of your partner. Just "straightening out" is not going to erase the damage. You have to work as a couple to rectify it and even then there is no guarantee that those insecurities and doubts will completely leave you. Only if you want to work at it. I am skeptical though about someone who is a cheater, liar and manipulator straightening out into caring, sweet and overall good person. Either you are romanticizing this and that is what is keeping you holding on or you're in fear of being alone. Whatever the case maybe, maybe it is time for a new start. Really, how much more looking over your shoulder would you like to be doing versus looking ahead. Life is too short to be spending it with someone you can't be completely invested in, in every way because you're focused on what happened years ago versus getting busy laying the right building blocks to create a good future together.
Author sbradford2 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Thank you so much for your advice. I really didn't even think of looking at it in that way. I think in a way I am afraid to be alone and unwanted. Your advice really helps.
Recommended Posts