She got back with her ex 4 days after breakup.. ??

[jtels2593]

I need some serious help. I am 26 and she is 24. I'm a quiet kind of guy, not much of a bar patron, etc.. She loves going to to bars and partying. I have been dating her for slightly over 2 years. The beginning of our relationship was like a fairytale story in regards to how me met. We quickly moved in together and the beginning of the relationship was great. She was renting a house from her dad and we lived there for about a year until it was forclosed on. Both of us couldn't find a new place to live because of her pets, so she went home to her parents and I went to mine. The relationship began to sour after a couple of weeks at which time we broke up for about 4 days. We worked out our differences and got back together when when I was given the opportunity to buy a house left in my family. After 6 months of living apart, we moved into the new house and our relationship seemed to be better than ever! We agreed that we were ready to start a family, planned on getting married and tried for 2 weeks to get pregnant. After a couple of weeks everything began to change. She wasn't being romantic anymore, we had sex maybe once per month and it only happened if I begged her for it. At times she wasn't into it and it seemed as though she felt obligated. As odd as things were becomming, she would cuddle next to me every night before bed but I never got kisses, hugs, nothing.. She became more of a live-in friend than a girlfriend. Over the past 6 months I had problems with her going out more and more with friends, not coming home when she said she would, not being able to explain where she was, etc.. I didn't keep a tight leash around her, I just noticed things weren't adding up.

 

Last weekend she took off running again, and didn't come home when she said she would. I called her on the phone while she was at her partents and she didn't seem to want to talk to me. I asked her if she was coming home and she said that she didn't want to, she wanted to be at her parents. I managed to keep her on the phone long enough to tell her things weren't working out, I could tell she was unhappy and that she needed to move out of the house.

 

The next day, Monday of last week, she spent the afternoon moving her stuff out and moved home to her parents. She made it very clear that I did nothing wrong in the relationship, I was a great guy but she wasn't ready to settle down and start a family which is something I had been kind of hinting to her again recently. She explained that she needed time to clear her mind and focus on herself and just spend time with her friends. I remained civil with her throughout the next week, talking to her occasionally and being as supportive as possible. By this point I had accepted the fact that we would never get back together and that I needed to move on. I deleted her and her family from facebook and she did the same. The split seemed to be going better than what I have experienced in the past with others.

 

Yesterday afternoon I get a call from a friend who said she was online and seen that my ex was in a relationship with her ex boyfriend (whom she dated before me). I called her on the phone and we spoke for 40 minutes, and the entire time all she could do was deny it. She kept telling me it wasn't true and that she didn't know why his profile said that. Her mom and brother also added her ex boyfriend back to facebook. All of a sudden the truth came out! She had spend last weekend with him (after we broke up), every day from Thursday-Saturday. Imagine that.. I wonder if they spent time together the following weekend before we broke it off?? She recently added him back to facebook which I had seen in the news feed about 3 months ago before our separation and I wasn't cool with it. I asked her why he was on there and she explained that she was being nice and not holding hard feelings. Keep in mind this is the same ex who she believe cheated on her, was a big factor in her addiction to Tramadol and she also threw a rock through his windshield.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I am very relieved she is out of my life.. or almost is. I don't want her anymore, I want to move on to the next best thing. But for some reason I keep finding myself upset, betrayed, lied to and wondering if she really did cheat on me before? The most honest thing she told me was that I could do better than her, and she's right. The relationship lasted longer than it should, but part of me is jealous that she moved on so quickly and I find it rather odd that she jumped right back in with him. She claims to have never cheated on me and seems very serious when telling me that, but I simply don't know. I'm emotionally and physically stressed and just want the pain to stop.

 

Is this her way of rebounding from me, or was this her plan all along? What things can I do to disolve this problem and move on with my life? Please help me figure this out.

Edited July 26, 2011 by jtels2593

[betterdeal]

It sounds to me like she is unable to be alone for any period of time. She can't even manage a week before finding someone to be with. That says to me she's quite immature and not ready for a grown up relationship, and is using relationships with men as a distraction from making that personal growth from adolescent to adult.

 

I very much doubt she has had a plan at all. She is driven by immediate impulses and strong emotions that she choose honour over and above any gentler yet stronger longer-lasting concepts or feelings. You're trying to rationalise emotionally driven behaviour, which is always going to leave you frustrated. You're trying to apply logic to something that isn't made of logic, which is like trying to measure distance with a stopwatch.

 

The question that comes to my mind is, are you resorting to logic to avoid accepting, experiencing and otherwise processing the feelings this experience has evoked in you? I might be wrong, but your focus is better placed on what's going on with you rather than her.

[jtels2593]

It sounds to me like she is unable to be alone for any period of time. She can't even manage a week before finding someone to be with. That says to me she's quite immature and not ready for a grown up relationship, and is using relationships with men as a distraction from making that personal growth from adolescent to adult.

 

I very much doubt she has had a plan at all. She is driven by immediate impulses and strong emotions that she choose honour over and above any gentler yet stronger longer-lasting concepts or feelings. You're trying to rationalise emotionally driven behaviour, which is always going to leave you frustrated. You're trying to apply logic to something that isn't made of logic, which is like trying to measure distance with a stopwatch.

 

The question that comes to my mind is, are you resorting to logic to avoid accepting, experiencing and otherwise processing the feelings this experience has evoked in you? I might be wrong, but your focus is better placed on what's going on with you rather than her.

 

 

Thank you for the quick reply. It sounds like you hit the nail right on the head. Shortly after getting involved with her I began learning things that I disliked about her past. As much as I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter, it followed me throughout everything. She was known to jump from guy to guy, one night stands, etc.. She was previously married right out of high school and moved to Hawaii where her husband at the time was stationed. 6 months after living there, she came home from work one day and caught him in bed with another woman. She moved back that same week. I often wonder if that has something to do with her relationship issues. I always felt as if I was being lied to, almost on a daily basis.

 

I am the type of person who tries to solve problems and find answers by using logic. I'm not sure if thats a good idea or not, it just seems to be how I cope with things.

 

Yesterday she came for the remaining belongings at my house. I talked to her a few minutes and she left. I feel as if a big weight has been liften from my shoulders. I can finally go on and not have to worry about her or what she's up to.

[Chi townD]

I would start NC and stay there. emove every facet of her from your life, to include Facebook. Time to start healing from this relationship. I mean, that takes a lot of gall to break up and then spend that weekend at an Ex's place. For her to do that to you so quickly should give you and idea where you stood in that relationship.

[wilsonx]

It sounds to me like she is unable to be alone for any period of time. She can't even manage a week before finding someone to be with. That says to me she's quite immature and not ready for a grown up relationship, and is using relationships with men as a distraction from making that personal growth from adolescent to adult.

 

I very much doubt she has had a plan at all. She is driven by immediate impulses and strong emotions that she choose honour over and above any gentler yet stronger longer-lasting concepts or feelings. You're trying to rationalise emotionally driven behaviour, which is always going to leave you frustrated. You're trying to apply logic to something that isn't made of logic, which is like trying to measure distance with a stopwatch.

 

The question that comes to my mind is, are you resorting to logic to avoid accepting, experiencing and otherwise processing the feelings this experience has evoked in you? I might be wrong, but your focus is better placed on what's going on with you rather than her.

 

 

I almost want to point out that this is not correct. If you reread the original post, she had been distancing herself for a while, no more kisses, hugs, being cold, going out and doing whatever she wanted. It has not been just a week, this was probably already happening behind his back. This is what you call GIGS except I believe that Jtels was the rebound.

 

If anyone has a lesson to learn here, its him. You can't date someone right as they come out of a long term relationship. She was telling you about she thought her ex cheated on him. She fed you information because she was looking for someone to latch on emotionally with. You gave her the attention that she needed and were a tree limb for her to grab onto so that she could let go of her ex's tree limb.

 

In the end this is the type of person you want to avoid dating in the future because they will hurt you. If you want to flip the perspective on GIGS, look what happened. She left her ex for you, she dated you for a long period of time, you both separated, she started going out partying, she came back to you, she realized the grass probably wasn't as green as she thought it was and is now back with her ex.

 

In the end her ex actually made the mistake of allowing her to doormat him because this cycle will most likely repeat itself. You can't make this same mistake though, you need to go NC and move on.

[betterdeal]

I almost want to point out that this is not correct. If you reread the original post, she had been distancing herself for a while, no more kisses, hugs, being cold, going out and doing whatever she wanted. It has not been just a week, this was probably already happening behind his back. This is what you call GIGS except I believe that Jtels was the rebound.

 

You're making the same mistake of trying to make it all fit into easy to understand categories; to make sense of it. There's no need to. And there's no need to guess what may or may not have happened behind his back: there's enough known to say, she cannot be single for a week, and isn't ready for a steady relationship.

 

That's all you have to know about her. Like the OP - and you - I spent a lot of time and energy trying to work things about, to make sense of every minute detail, to even come up with some sort of balancing of her faults against mine.

 

In the end, that just turned out to be an exercise in avoiding dealing with my own issues, my own feelings, and working on my weaknesses, misconceptions &c.

 

I suppose, as an intellectual exercise it is fascinating, and delaying shock is a useful strategy for dealing with life, but I say take a winning attitude, which is to let her deal with her problems, and you deal with your own. For instance, for me I had to ask, "why did I fall so quickly?" and the answers are sometimes scary but they are always useful. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies and, as some wise man said, know your enemy.

[betterdeal]

I am the type of person who tries to solve problems and find answers by using logic. I'm not sure if thats a good idea or not, it just seems to be how I cope with things.

 

Feelings and logic are part of the human condition. Knowing when to resort to one or the other is part of our journey. Neither is better than the other: that would be like saying hearts are better than livers. They just are part of us and have their place in a long, happy and meaningful life.

 

That said, now that you really have no practical reasons to deal with her any more, you are in a good place to go from WTF??? to Whatever.

 

Yesterday she came for the remaining belongings at my house. I talked to her a few minutes and she left. I feel as if a big weight has been liften from my shoulders. I can finally go on and not have to worry about her or what she's up to.

 

Boy do I know that feeling! Imagine - a good night's sleep! My advice, read the guide I wrote that's in my signature. Disconnect from her for good right away. I am sure there is a high probability she will bounce back to you. Avoid that, and the complete waste of energy it becomes, before it happens.

[jtels2593]

All of your replies have been helping me understand what really happened. The fact that she ran back to her ex after 4 days just proves she can't be alone. The constant hopping from one guy to another before I met her.. all of that shows me that she relies on men to patch her problems. I had spoken with her briefly before she left the other day.. I told her that I hoped he wasn't her rebound becuase it wouldn't be fair to her or him. Her response was, "I know what I want, I've known him since 7th grade". I find that interesting considering this will be their third go around. She claims to have never cheated on me, but I really can't say if she did for sure or not, but the running around and bar hopping leads me to believe something else might have been going on.

 

I had been preparing myself mentally for this for quite awhile. I guess thats why I'm dealing with this a lot better than my previous break-up with another woman in 2007.

 

My recent ex never cooked, cleaned, paid her bills on time, sat around watching tv and playing on her Blackberry more than she did paying attention to me. She had a dog and 4 cats who were destroying my house. Now that it has been nearly 2 weeks, I am thankful not to have her there. I began remodeling one of the bedrooms, I can come home at night from work and not have to worry about where she is or what she is doing. The feeling of freedom is overwhelming in a good way! I'm still bothered by all of her actions, and I tend to think what is wrong with me, why wasn't I good enough, but then I think about what type of person she really is and it makes those feelings go away.

[betterdeal]

Keep on moving on!

[azguy]

We dated for approx 4.5 yrs. Lived together in arizona the last 2.5 yrs. High school sweethearts who got back together after 30 yrs. Started out great but had a few rocky times along the way,,,,primarily due to her drinking whenever stressed out or upset. She went to a wedding in may 2011......I was out of town and unable to attend. Her recently divorced EX husband was there and away they went. Two weeks later i got the typical 'i no longer love you or want you' phone call...etc etc. Dont know why but still would very much like to reconcile with the woman......although she has serious money and drinking problems. Havent spoken with her for approx two weeks and have no intention of contacting her. She was married to the guy for approx 8 yrs and divorced when she caught him cheating . As someone saidd yesterday......when breaking up,,,,a girl is like a monkey swinging from tree to tree......they will not 'let go' of one limb until they have another one to grab.

Anyone have any experience in a mate who runs back to an ex husband? Do they usually stay together and make it work the 2nd time around.....etc??? Really do miss the woman .

 

pt 2

 

I should have realized that she has always been infatuated with the ex. Although they are both alcoholics and he cheated on her during their marriage, they remained "friends". I learned last week that even AFTER they were divorced for approx. 5 yrs that they happened to both be in attendance at a birthday party and the guy asked my ex to get REMARRIED in front of her kids and everyone attending. She said YES and he said he would return in one hour AFTER he informed his FIANCEE' that their wedding was off. He couldnt go through with the plan and he never returned. Still, my ex didnt care. She remained infatuated with the guy even though he hum iliated her once again.

Perhaps these two deserve one another. She now has her drinking buddy back and they can drown their sorrows together. I always wondered why this chick never changed her last name after she divorced this guy and why she was so anxious to return to arizona. One would think that at the age of 55 this woman would grow up.....but she obviously enjoys being humiliated time and time again by her ex. Watch out glendale and litchfield park az........

[betterdeal]

And, it sounds like you want to be involved with her still, so you've obviously caught the bug from her! Seriously though, getting over someone is about feeling good, normal, yourself after a big change in your life. Will you still have fond memories? One would hope so, else why the merry hell were you involved with them in the first place? The thing is, they are just fond memories, which you can enjoy. Doesn't mean you need that person or that you two were made for each other. It's just part of the huge crazy experience called life.

 

Letting go of the hurt, the fear, the grief, will let you be more present and thus enjoy the very moment you are living in. That kind of person is genuine and people like that. You'll end up getting into a virtuous circle of being cheery which brings more cheer. And maybe, just maybe, these stormy relationships that end so abruptly and start so miraculously with one particular person, are just a bit, well, disjointed and disruptive and not worth the effort of worrying, chasing or lamenting over.