My boyfriend cheated on me while I was away at school

[FearfulMe]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years. We met my senior year of high school, he is a year younger than me. When I decided to go out of state for college, we wanted to stay together because we felt strongly for one another and knew that if we could make it last through the long distance, it was meant to be.

 

The first year away was very hard, but we got by. I would visit on holidays like Christmas and Thanks Giving and I also came home for spring break. The trouble started my sophomore year when he started college. He stayed in state and started to make new friends.

 

He met a girl that was in one of his classes. He would tell me about her over the phone. That he thought she was beautiful, that she was having trouble with her boyfriend (they were also in a long distance relationship), and that he liked to comfort her and to have someone to talk to.

 

Naturally I was jealous, but he reassured me that I was the only one for him and that it was only a friendly relationship between them. But then they started going on dates. Before they would go places with a group of friends, but then they started going places just the two of them. This made me very concerned and I let him know that I didn't like it. He would tell me that they weren't dates and he got very defensive.

 

After confronting him about it several times and him not listening, I found her on facebook and sent her a message. I told her who I was and that I wasn't angry with her, but that I didn't appreciate her going on dates with my boyfriend. She assured me that they wouldn't go out together just the two of them and that there was nothing romantic between them.

 

We stayed facebook friends for a long time and we would talk about our relationships and I would giver her advice about hers, which was about to end. She was very reassuring, but I was still jealous.

 

The dates never really stopped, she would go to his house at night. I would call my boyfriend and he would be with her. One night I texted him and she texted me back from his phone saying she was at his house and he was in the shower. They were at the park near his house when he had an allergic reaction to the grass, so she drove him home. Then I honestly felt my heart sink. She was the last person I wanted to talk to. He never called me back that night.

 

I know that it sounds very bad and I should have been very suspicious of him, but you have to understand that I was very much in love and I trusted him with all my heart. So when he said it was nothing, I believed him. I had no reason to think that they would do something like they did...

 

Eventually they stopped talking. My boyfriend told me it was because it was better for us if they did, so I wouldn't be so jealous. Little did I know it was because something did happen between them and they wanted to cut it off completely because of the guilt. I went home plenty of times after something did happen, but he never told me. He was too afraid of loosing me and didn't want to see me unhappy. She had been urging him to tell me what happened. She was also having feelings of guilt and she needed atonement.

 

Just a few days ago she messaged me on facebook so we could meet up. I had never met her in person before and at this point I was unaware that anything had happened. She had also mentioned us getting together before when we would talk over facebook. My boyfriend also came to the meeting. I picked him up and brought us to where we were meeting. On the way there he seemed very sad, like something was troubling him. I asked him what was bothering him, but he didn't tell me. When she got there we all sat down together, and the first thing she said to me is that we needed to talk about something very serious...

 

She looked me in the eye and asked me "do you know what happened between [my boyfriend's name] and I?" I thought that the extent of their relationship was a friendly hug. I didn't say anything, and I looked at my boyfriend waiting for him to say something. She went on to tell me that that night when she texted me back on my phone, something happened. {this part is a little graphic} She told me that after he got out of the shower things got way out of control and "he stuck his dick in me four times, then I told him to stop."

 

After she apologized repeatedly, she left so I could talk to him about it. Some may think that I should be angry with her, but I never was. I never really knew her, and she never promised me anything. And the fact that she wanted to tell me more than my boyfriend did shows she has a lot of guts, and I forgave her right away. But I was dumbfounded at first. I could not think of anything to say to him. I could not believe what just happened. I told him to tell me everything that happened, and he did.

 

He says that he did all of this because of how much he missed me. Throughout their friendship, he did things with her that he was missing doing with me. That she meant nothing to him, and that he was just using her to kind of satisfy the things he was missing. That night, he got out of the shower and laid down on his bed, he was shirtless. She started to massage his back, then He did the same to her. Thats when things started to go wrong. He initiated it. He started dry humping her. Then she wanted him to finger her. She took her clothes off, and they dry humped, him with his boxers on, her with just her underwear. He told me that the whole time he was thinking that he just wanted to get it over with. To be satisfied and then have it be over. It only went in four times, but he would have kept going if she didn't tell him to stop.

 

These images go through my head over and over, and they make me sick. I feel hurt, disgusted, betrayed, and taken advantage of.

 

My boyfriend and I are trying to work things out, only because he tells me it was the biggest mistake of his life, that he was thinking with his dick, and that he can't say he is sorry enough. He tells me he wants to be the one who helps me heal from this. And he wants to be by my side to listen and take care of me. It is very hard to believe him, but I'm trying because after all of that I am still in love with him. It is a lot less, though, and I don't know if it will ever be the same.

 

I came here because I don't know if I'm right to stay with him. Because I'm so afraid that he will hurt me again, just because I know he is capable. He already broke that promise, and even though I made him promise me again, I can't believe him fully. Has this ever happened to anyone else here? Is anyone out there feeling the way I am? So uncertain about anything, and going on blindly through life and hoping that you are in good hands? All I'm looking for is support.

 

Thank you,

Fearful Me

[temporaryvisa]

Sad story.

 

I say, dump him. What a dick.

 

Seriously, think about it! He didn't come out with the truth til she decided she wanted to. Seriously, he's a jerk and a dickwad, I'd kick him to the curb and find someone nice in my zip-code that doesn't dry hump or stick it in another chick--four times or less.

[temporaryvisa]

LDRs are hard and all--but if he loved you, he would NOT--i REPEAT NOT--have done what he did.

 

It's so simple...

I know its hard.

 

Let him know you're worth more than this.

You seem too nice.

[FearfulMe]

Thanks, and I have let him know that I am worth more than that, and he has told me that he feels like he doesn't deserve me anymore. And he does love me, otherwise he wouldn't be so remorseful or want to be with me through this hard time. But you are right that I should stick up for myself more. I was just talking with him, and he told me that I should express my anger more, because I am angry, but it feels like sadness and hurt overshadow it and I look for comfort.

[crazylove]

Wow, did they need to be quite so graphic?! Like wtf! There was absolutely no need for that. I don't know what type of person you are, or whether you can get through this. For me, it would be the end. I got back with someone that cheated on me. He too swore nothing happened, blah blah just friends blah blah . . then confessed. I could never forget it, couldn't get the image out of my head:( I thought I could get the relationship back, i loved him so much . . . I couldn't, and I realise now that if it ever happened again, I wouldn't be able to continue with that person, no matter how much I loved them. Very sad situation, and i'm sure he does realise his mistake now, but it's whether you'll be able to get past this.

((hugs))

[CycleOfLove]

Are you okay..? are you seriously even considering giving him a second chance? you TRUSTED him & he ****ed up, heck if my boyfriend kissed some other girl it'd be over, and you even considring giving him a second chance..? after he had sex with another girl? how can you trust a person like that? im sorry but your boyfriend obviously didnt give a crap about you when he was "putting his dick in her 4 times" im pretty sure you can do so much better than that loser and find someone who can treat you like you should be treated, Long distance realtionships are hard as it is.. they can ONLY work if you TRUST your SO, and sadly.. you cant trust that idiot anymore. reading your post made me so angry thinkin that people allow themselves to cheat because its a long distance relationship,he used a stupid excuse "oh i wanted to have sex with her only because i miss u"

So.., if YOU had sex with another guy because you miss your bf how would he feel? would HE give you a second chance? doubt it.

i think what im tryin to say is.. TO THE LEFT TO THE LEFT!

Edited July 27, 2011 by CycleOfLove

[FearfulMe]

@CrazyLove, Sorry it was so graphic, I thought that details would help people see what I'm going through. It's a little different because he never denied anything happening after it actually happened. They were just friends, but after they started breaking boundaries, they stopped talking and then I didn't suspect anything. He would have told me if I had asked, but I had no reason to. When I was jealous and questioning, nothing was happening, it was just a threat. Thanks for the hugs

 

@CycleOfLove, Thank you for feeling so strongly on my behalf without even knowing me. You seem like a really strong person who knows what she wants. You are both right and wrong about my situation. He did f*ck up, long distance relationships depend on trust a lot more than others, and the thing he did really is unforgivable and his excuse means nothing. There really isn't any excuse for something like that. The thing is, I can trust him again, because I know him and I'm pretty sure he has learned. If it happens again, I will obviously not look back and be okay with it because I could say that the whole thing was a lie. But there is a sincerity to him. He did "give a crap" about me, even though I am conflicted about that, because like you, I wouldn't think that is possible. He knew it would hurt me, and he did it anyways. These things are in my gut, and part of the reason why I'm so conflicted. I know that people can get past things like this. And if we do together, it can only make us stronger or make us realize that we aren't right for each other. If he is being truthful with me, I will see it. If he isn't, then it's over. I'm much more guarded and observant now, and I won't let trust blind me anymore. But I think only time can help me judge what I need to do. And, yes, I am okay, thank you for asking.

[FearfulMe]

He is skating on thin ice and he knows it. And we both know how generous I am being by giving him that second chance. I know I sound crazy to a lot of people.

[CycleOfLove]

Man.. i sure do hope you know what you're doing, i guess you are a lot more stronger than me and some other people and you can actually forgive a guy for cheating on you. im a bit confused though are u back to your hometown? will u never face the distance between u two anymore?

[TigerCub]

He is skating on thin ice and he knows it. And we both know how generous I am being by giving him that second chance. I know I sound crazy to a lot of people.

 

I think you're just telling yourself that now, to feel empowered and to feel like you have control in this situation.

 

I'm really sorry for what happened to you, I'm sorry that you've been hurt and betrayed, but if you stay with this guy, you'll just be sending him the message that its ok to do that to you.

 

He gave you the typical lines "oh she didn't mean anything"

"I just wanted it to be over quickly - I just wanted release"

"I did it because I missed you so much" - well so what does that mean? Are you never going to leave his side in fear that he will miss you and stick in some other girl?

 

I know you love him, but look at the facts, he cheated on you, he's manipulating you with manufactured typical bs lines, and he didn't even have the guts to confess to you.

 

The girl actually told you to your face (risking a possible a$$ kicking), but she had enough guts to tell you - meanwhile the guy that made promises to you, the guy that's supposed to love you and respect you, didn't even have the nerve to tell you anything.

 

You're still young and so is he, I really think that if you give him a second chance, he'll see it as a pass and he'll think you're just a doormat, and when you go back to school, he'll have to deal with "missing" you again.

 

Actually even if he doesn't, do you think that you can really go back to school and be long distance and have peace of mind that he's going to be faithful to you?

 

I am truly sorry that you've been hurt and that you do love him and he betrayed you, but you need to put you first.

 

Good luck

[aerogurl87]

I say dump him, maybe later in the future you two will meet up and will realize that you really want to be together after you've healed. But for now you really need to move on.

[sun_moon]

For the love of God, dump him and run. I know you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but dont, he didnt even want to tell you.

 

Walk away, back to your school and heal. Meet a new hot guy available to you and learn to trust only when someone proves it to you.

 

He is a complete moron for doing it and even a bigger DICK for being so ****ing graphic.

 

I know you don't want to read this and I'm sorry for my harshness but I hope he gets whats coming to him, because "missing" you is a sorry ass excuse for being horny. What a ****ing naive tool.

 

There is one common theme in this thread, people telling you in a candid way to leave him. It should empower you and enrage you to be more angry and not take him back.

 

Find your self respect and end things. Because I promise you his mistake shows no respect for you or the relationship.

 

I am so convicted and angered by this message that I actually wrote something in this forum, usually I dont even go past the break up forums.

 

Leave him and come to the other forums.

[sm1tten]

I see two problems here:

 

The first is that he didn't tell you, and that's an issue because he was going to duck responsibility up until the end. He knew that this girl was going to tell you did he not? So he sat right next to you and let her tell you when he could have. That's no good.

 

The second is that you're still in a LDR and that means that the factors which he says led him to this (like missing you) are still there. This means that you are trusting him to go back into a situation where he has already proven to have poor judgement and a lack of self-control.

 

I understand that you love this guy, and yes, people can and do forgive and move on from these things. However, in a lot of those cases, they have factors that work with them - like longevity, maturity, an ability to remove themselves from the tempting situation, a willingness to take responsbility, maybe counseling... All I see that you've got is his apologies.

 

FWIW, I had a similar situation when I was around your age. My high school boyfriend didn't physically cheat on me, but he had an emotional affair with a classmate. We tried to make it work, but we couldn't. I actually felt like, if I forgave him, set the rules, and make him work for me, I was taking back control over the situation and it made me feel better about things... but in the end, each person can only control themselves.

 

Please take care of yourself, no matter what you decide.

[FearfulMe]

I know that you all mean well, but I'm kind of feeling insulted by some of these comments, and I'm starting to regret posting this. It is something very personal, and I thought that the only way I could have support is from strangers. There is truth to what you are all saying, but I don't think you can make such judgements with the information I gave you. If you could see how remorseful he is. It isn't just apology either, he is willing to suffer very much for me to try and make it better. And the guilt has made him much more cautions as well. He doesn't talk to people from his school like he used to. He doesn't get close to people anymore because he wants to prevent something from happening again. In this way he is removing himself from that temptation. He didn't tell me because he was afraid of hurting me. And you are right that he should have taken that responsibility. He knew she was going to tell me, he had agreed with her that I needed to know, and went with us to the meeting so he could be there for me. He was trying to tell me before she got there, but he still couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't want to be graphic in telling me, he even asked "do you really want to hear this" and I replied "I have to." I needed to know exactly what happened. I know that I have no control, what he does is up to him. But in spite of how much he beat me down, he has managed to build me up again. Not completely, that will take a long time, but I know in order for it to work at all I have to put my whole trust in him again, and that has already started to happen. Maybe this will help you see what I mean when I say he is being sincere. He sent me an email the other day:

 

"I just recieved a [text] message from you saying "I love you too", I would give anything to hear and read that phrase everyday for the rest of my life. I'm sitting alone wondering what you might be thinking. That i'm a liar, that I don't love you like you believed one day. I feel afraid that you're going to start believing those things in your thoughts more than you believe in the expressions that we make when we interract with each other.

 

When i'm with you, my life feels full. When i'm scared to lose you, my life feels empty. I don't want either of us feeling scared to lose each other. We've been through too many memerable, meaningful experiences in the past, which are the only ones, I feel, are helping you hold on to what we once had.

 

I'm willing to be by your side through the good times, but most importantly through the rough times.

 

Forever yours,

[his name]"

 

The way he signed it is significant because before I sent him an email explaining more how I felt unsure but that I would still give him that chance and I signed it "still yours."

 

I'm not going to break up with him. Not now, at least. Until he shows me anything to make me doubt his feelings for me or his respect for me (a second time, I know he has already done that) I'm going to stay with him.

 

Your comments have ignited the rage in me for what happened, and have made me confront him again and again, but he always is there to reassure me of how he feels, and that he was very wrong. If ever that stops, you know I'll be gone.

[RealPlastic]

Why were they giving eachother massages in the first place? That's a huge no no.

 

Anyway, the matter of fact is everyone makes mistakes. It's wheather or not you feel he's hurt you soo!!! bad that you don't want anything more to do with him. But by the looks of it, you still have feelings for him so why wouldn't you want to give him a 2nd chance mmm? Besides that, everyone else has their opinion at how far one would go before ending their relationship. Other than that, I hope things work out for the both of you and it was very unfortunate that it had to go as far as it did.

[EgoJoe]

My Ex told me I could have sex with other girls when we were LDR before we made a commitment to each other. I DID ONCE before I realized I only wanted her and stopped it. I ended up telling her three years later when our relationship was going downhill during an emotional moment where I thought I wanted to break up but my logical mind was trying to sort through alot of emotions.

 

It hurt her deep, hurt her pride and hurt her respect for me. None of which she admitted to or told me about. But, looking back I can tell.

 

I AM truly sorry , ashamed and WOULD NEVER have done it IF she hadn't of said so. I was pursued by a girl we were not exclusively commited at the time although we were very much in love. I'm relaying my story because I feel like my story is an example of the exception to the phrase, "Once a cheater always a cheater"

 

I do not think your boyfriend fits the same criteria and he obviously lied to pursue it. NOW, people can change, but, you need to put the clamp down. Everything goes your way for a WHOLE year and if he acts, looks, steps or even (if you can tell) thinks out of line then dump him.

 

But, if you love him and want to give him a chance. Do it. You can spare your self-respect in the process of attempting to forgive.