just found out about 6 month affair

[geordie21]

Hi, this is my first time posting so sorry for not using terms. I wish i didnt feel the need to ask for help, but i do. I am 32, she is 25. We met at our previous jobs, have been together for 3 years and have been working together in a small office with 2 others for the last 2 1/2 years. We have talked openly about marriage, kids, etc and have been basically happy or content throughout.

 

-last november i found out my gf was texting another lad in a flirty way. She promised to stop. She carried on anyway, lying to me even when i asked her directly, and deleting the messages as she went along. I found out. We aregued, I text him myself, it stopped, and no contact since. We stayed together, she promised never again to do this.

 

[i need to add at this point that my gf deals with several suppliers and companies through work. This involves speaking on the phone and by email. One of these companies is a large company, where she deals with our account manager. Another of these suppliers is a family business where one brother does the sales (i speak with him on occassion) and another brother does the aftersales (my gf speaks to him and emails him regularly in the course of her work; i also speak to him albeit less regularly)]

 

 

-in early july i found out that shes doing the same as before but via email instead of text, with the account manager mentioned above. I confronted her and she said it would stop (i think i caught it right at the beginning) - but she said she wanted more attention and time from me, and thats why it had happened. I assured her she would get it, but since then we havent been able to spend time together due to her commitments (genuine ones) with a college course. Two weeks later (last week), I found out she was doing it again with this person. I only found out by chance as she had failed to delete an email to him (turns out shes been systematically deleting stuff for ages - naturally i wasnt to know this until then!). I told her on the thursday morning when we got to work, and i knew an uncomfotable evening was on the cards. I also told the lad I work with.

 

 

-a few hours later and completely by chance (or perhaps good fortune?) i stumbled on the lad i work with talking to a supplier on his car phone with the windows down, with the supplier referring to my gf as a 'c++k-hungry mare'. The lad i work with had told the supplier about this latest person... i then find out that since january, she has been having an emotional relationship with the suppliers brother - the one who deals with aftersales. When the lad i work with had found out about this, a few months ago, he had confronted my gf and she admitted she had met him once, at the station for an hour or so, between trains, on her way to see her parents, but that nothing had gone on and that it was over with, and they only now spoke professionally. Once she gave assurances that nothing was going on, my colleague had agreed not to tell me to save my feelings. I wish he'd insisted to her that she must tell me, but anyway that didnt happen.

 

 

The aftersales lad lives and works over 100 miles away and we live and work together. On thursday night she admitted that she had met him once, and on friday (she doesnt ever seem to tell the whole truth but always drip feeds it) she said it was actually twice. Both times were when she got the train to see her family, she has got off at the stop nearest him, and he has driven over an hour to see her, just for a couple of hours, then she has jumped back on the train to continue her journey.

 

I am livid that she has met someone behind my back, and has deleted all evidence. After investigation i found that she has sent numerous emails from work and personal addresses (all were deleted), and text messages starting in january (around 400), peaking in march (978 according to her phone bill), then tailing off to a 'mere' 27 this month. Again all these were deleted.

 

She has told me that the affair started in january, she met him on 10th Feb for 2 hours at the station, between then and their next meeting (11th march, again for 2-3 hours) they exchanged messages constantly, he was saying all kinds and she said she loved him and would move to be with him when the course finished. She says that she never meant any of this, but just enjoyed the attention he was showing her. He is 38, has 2 kids and is rather ugly but it worries me that she says she never really liked him...what if she had?!?! She tells me that all that ever happened was a small kiss at the end of the second meeting and after that second meeting, he was being too strong so she tried to kill it off. She says that the reason the messages continued, with a steady decline, is because she was trying to shake him off without upsetting him too much for fear of upsetting him resulting in him telling me.

 

It seems that i've found out about this after the event. I feel like a total fool, especially as its been going on with a lad i speak to (but havent met due to distance) at work. While i love her (at least i think i still do) i feel totally strong enough to walk away because im not going to live a life worrying... perhaps some people are just 'like that'. What i wont do, is go through this again. She says she loves me, wants to sort it out, yadda yadda but its hard to believe a single word she says - including her story - because she is so very devious, deceptive and a total liar. She tells me that she has told me everything, but i cant help but not believe her. I dont know what the best course of action is - sorry for such a crazy long story, i hope someone finds the time to read it and offer advice.

 

Thanks

- from overhearing the carphone conversation, the 'sales' brother and my colleague dont think that the aftersales brother has slept with my gf - all they seem to be aware of is that they met, and they do not seem to know any other details. I sort of wish she'd tell me she had slept with him, because at least then i'd know she was telling the truth. But i wouldnt want her to lie to appease me...It so doesnt seem to matter now, whether they did or not - its the lies. For the last 6 months i feel like my world has been totally fake; everything i thought i had, i didnt, and now all im doing is fretting, feeling down, and the number of questions bouncing around in my head - i dont think ill ever think ive had them answered. On top of that, its annoying her that i wont believe her. Cheeky c0w.

Edited July 26, 2011 by geordie21
for clarity

[whichwayisup]

She seems to not understand the magnification and the damage she's done to you and the trust level you once had with her. She also seems immature!

 

You need to take the time to think if the relationship is worth fighting for. She has some pretty good lying skills, and has continued to lie and betray you after being busted more than once. People don't change unless they have to, unless they hit their rock bottom. So far, she's suffered NO consquences of her choices.. She talks her way out of everything and hasn't shown you genuine remorse.

 

You have every right to mistrust her!

 

All I can say is, unless she works on herself and proves to be a better girlfriend, a trustworthy one, it isn't worth it. You're not married with kids so there is a way out of this if you choose to end things with her.

[Bryanp]

Oh man. She has played you for a total fool and is a compulsive liar and cheat. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as constantly accepting as you have been? Time to move on and find somebody who can respect you and your relationship.

 

She continued to do this because there are no consequences to her actions. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Her actions indicate that she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Move on my friend.

[rafallus]

Yeah, tell her to go to hell and not bug you again.

[geordie21]

thanks for the advice.

 

However, she says that she regrets it (my argument is that she should have told me rather than me find out) but dealing with the facts, is there any way or point in trying to sort this out? In an ideal world, i want it to work and id prefer that to leaving her but i have no issue with leaving. Initially she said she hadnt cheated, but seems to accept now that even though its only been texts and emails (apart from the 2 brief meetings) its still cheating.

 

It does seem that she is immature, but assuming we were to stay together, how can we make that work?

 

If we split up she'll lose her job and me, and have to move back to her parents, but although i have no particular concerns about that i do think a lot of her. She says she thinks a lot of me - and while her actions suggest different, most of the affair has been 'cyber' if you know what i mean - does that make it less of an issue?

 

Please lets not have a situation where everyones having a go here though...if there is realistically a way forward, id love to hear it.

 

Thanks again

[drifter777]

Trying to reconcile and regain trust after an affair is maybe the hardest thing you could imagine. Since you are not married and don't have kids together, you would be foolish to waste one more minute thinking about her. You will be doing both of you a favor by dumping her and getting on with your life.

[YellowShark]

1) Doesn't matter if it's "cyber" or physical. It's still crossing a well-defined boundary you have set in your relationship with her.

 

2) So what if she loses her job, this isn't frikkin' high school anymore, and she should have thought of the consequences of dating you AND getting all mixed up with two different guys through work.

 

3) Once a cheater not always a cheater. Twice a cheater... always a cheater.

 

Dump her geordie21, go find another woman who has the class to stay faithful, and not lie to you all the time. This current girl is toxic, and will bring you much pain. And never ever fish off the company pier. If you break up with her you're going to find out why.

 

good luck

[geordie21]

update - i called the lad shes been speaking to for months tonight. Initially he made out he didnt know what i was talking about, and denied everything. When i told him some facts, he realised i knew what the situation was and started to talk. He claims that he fell for her (after i pushed him on it) but only because she had led him on until he was keen on her. He said that after the second time they met, his keenness led to her backing off. He is adamant she created the situation, which does contradict some emails ive seen, but claims that he doesnt want to cause an issue between companies and that hes not the type of lad to cause hassle. [other people have told me different]. Other than that conflict, it appears that my gf is telling the truth. It may have taken me to find out before she came clean, but i do think she has done. Still.... come on guys, help me out. I love the girl. Does it matter?

 

Thanks

[Bryanp]

If the roles were exactly reversed, do you think she would be so accepting as you have been?

[geordie21]

honestly? if i had been the clever, cocky one throughout the relationship, as i used to be, then yes i do think she would have let me off. I used to get away with all kinds cos i was a naughty boy and to be fair, a bit of a pr1ck. Sadly for me, i grew out of messing about and playing games, tried to live life on the level, and its biting me on the backside cos shes playing the game i used to be good at.

[YellowShark]

.... come on guys, help me out. I love the girl. Does it matter?

 

Thanks

 

Does it matter she lied to you many times? Does it matter to you that she playing with 3 different men's minds? - (you, and two others.) Does it matter she doesn't care about boundaries at work, or in your relationship? Dude. Wake up. You have a loose cannon here. She is gonna bring you a ton of grief, already has!

 

Trust me. There are plenty of girls out there who do not bring this kind of drama to the table. After you date one for a few weeks you'll forget all about this girl. Promise.

 

In the end do what is best for you, but if your friend told you his girlfriend was flirting with two different guys at work... and he also worked with her as well... what advice would you give him?

[geordie21]

true. its time to accept reality, i know deep down im kidding myself. Ive been hoping for some kind of miracle, but even tonight when i said it couldnt work, she ran off to pack her bags rather than say a thing to fight for us. I guess sometimes you just get done. I dont think shes a total b1tch though - she just isnt able to communicate very well at all, and thats not really a surprise cos ive always wondered whether she understands herself or not. But because of the communication issue, we rarely talked. I would have loved to have made her feel special, i did try, i thought i was doing ok, but it wasnt to be. That was the shock. I just hope she'll be happy - although im sure she will say she is, even though she may not be, it may mean bouncing from one to the next. From a personal point of view, its **** when you dedicate your life to someone, you love them so much, and you get stung when all you ever wanted was to be held in the same esteem as you held your girl. Shes a gem to me and she always will be - i wish things were different but theyre not, you guys are right... ive got to be realistic. There are plenty of girls who'd love to be loved - i just need to find one who will appreciate it! anyway **** happens, this is me signing off. Shes leaving tomorrow. Thanks.