Spunge Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 So after the break-up, I didn't beg and plead I just agreed even though I was dying inside. I did NC for an almost full 3 monthes, and what would have been our anniversery my ex contacts me.. it was a few days ago.. He asked if we could meet up, and get out stuff back. I was happy, cheerful, and excited to meet him actually, I held my head high and we had a somewhat happy conversation over the phone. But when I met him he was cold.. I asked him how he had been, and expecting an answer like "good" but he said "That can be discussed" and besides that.. since our break-up he started to look awful, his clothes, he doesn't shave, he just stopped being himself.. He even did say a lot of nasty stuff to his friends, and I know he knew it would get back to me, he wanted me to react. i think the reason he wanted to meet up is because I didn't react to any of his stupid acts (saying he would sleep with his ex and such. He has lost a lot of friends due to his behaviour) Anyway, we met and talked a bit, he obviously heard some news about me, that I was moving.. The reason we had to meet is that he have to move as well.. When he said he weren't too well, I just looked him into his eyes, and laid my hand on his shoulder, to show him that I care... I am not desperate and needy, but I love him and want him to be happy.. What would you guys suggest that I do? And not all the bullcrap "he is an ex for a reason" yadda yadda, just to sort it out, you immature fools never tried to be in love. The reason I believe he is an ex now, is because we we needed to learn a lesson alone, but we still feel strongly for eachother, and we have so much stuff in common, and the fact we have a past I see as an advantage. But at the meeting, after I touched his shoulder, he just said "This is awkward, I have to leave" and not only did he leave, he walked the totally opposite direction of where he had to go (lol) and I saw that he removed some tears from his face, and he obviously left because he didn't want to burst in front of me. He said it a bit coldly though. Anyone tried this situation? I mean.. After 3 monthes.. shouldn't he at least have something else to think about? And by the way, he did the breaking up. Not because of he didn't love me, but our relationship was stale, and we didn't work enough for it, sadly.
0hpenelope Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Still sounds like he has stuff he needs to sort through himself. If he really wanted to talk to you about the past relationship, he had the perfect opportunity right there but he didn't take it. Don't do anymore than what you have done. The entire time, his interaction with you looks like he was trying to keep himself distant. Distancing is much easier to do on the phone than it is face-to-face. You've done your part. You were upbeat, didn't pressure him, you kept your composure. Brava! Now it's his turn. He has to put in more effort to get you to want him back and not the opposite way around. Have you seen the stories of current break-up initiators that we have on the boards like Kilty and proteinshake25? They left their girls and now they want them back. See their perspectives for a few ideas of what goes through a guy's head when he wants his girl back. Hopefully one of them will comment on your thread. By the way, if an ex acts coldly around me, I'll take that at face value and I won't force myself on someone whose actions show me "I don't even want to be around you." Defense mechanism or not on my ex's part, I'll believe that. Then when the ex communicates w/ me again, I won't show that his distancing bothered me. I'll reserve the venting of my pain and hurt to LS or to my supportive friends.
Author Spunge Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Still sounds like he has stuff he needs to sort through himself. If he really wanted to talk to you about the past relationship, he had the perfect opportunity right there but he didn't take it. Don't do anymore than what you have done. The entire time, his interaction with you looks like he was trying to keep himself distant. Distancing is much easier to do on the phone than it is face-to-face. You've done your part. You were upbeat, didn't pressure him, you kept your composure. Brava! Now it's his turn. He has to put in more effort to get you to want him back and not the opposite way around. Have you seen the stories of current break-up initiators that we have on the boards like Kilty and proteinshake25? They left their girls and now they want them back. See their perspectives for a few ideas of what goes through a guy's head when he wants his girl back. Hopefully one of them will comment on your thread. By the way, if an ex acts coldly around me, I'll take that at face value and I won't force myself on someone whose actions show me "I don't even want to be around you." Defense mechanism or not on my ex's part, I'll believe that. Then when the ex communicates w/ me again, I won't show that his distancing bothered me. I'll reserve the venting of my pain and hurt to LS or to my supportive friends. Thank you, it makes so much sense! I'll go read them now. I think you are right about the cold attitude, I shouldn't force myself to be around him. I thought he kind of wanted me to show him that I care, but didn't want to say it directly (I guess it's because I'm a female, lol) but you are right. His actions tells me otherwise, so I'll just have to go with that.. I am almost certain he will contact me eventually anyway.. Don't know why, I just feel it.
0hpenelope Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Thank you, it makes so much sense! I'll go read them now. I think you are right about the cold attitude, I shouldn't force myself to be around him. I thought he kind of wanted me to show him that I care, but didn't want to say it directly (I guess it's because I'm a female, lol) but you are right. His actions tells me otherwise, so I'll just have to go with that.. I am almost certain he will contact me eventually anyway.. Don't know why, I just feel it. Yeah, I hear you. Body language is an important aspect of communication and I find that when it's misleading, it's very misleading. I think just out of caution, especially with your interactions with an ex, it's better to act on what you're seeing vs. what you think is happening based on what you're seeing, so that in case someone calls you out on it (ie. "Girl, couldn't you tell from his actions?!") you will be in the very reasonable place to say "Well, he showed me that he didn't want me to touch him. Am I stupid enough to go ahead and do that anyway?" If you go ahead and touch him and you thought he kind of wanted you to show him that you care, then it turns out it wasn't the case, you'll feel really silly and your ex can take that as a disrespect of his space. You know, some exes do contact eventually. It just doesn't happen right away. Thierro's ex got in touch after a year. D-Lish has had exes contact her after 1, 2, or even 10 years. I have heard more stories than I thought I would hear about this happening. At the same time, for every example that an ex gets in touch, there's also a counter example where people never hear from their ex again. I don't think you're silly at all for feeling that he'll get in touch with you and I know you'll keep carrying on with your life, even if he doesn't.
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