I wonder if he'll find me as attractive...

[tigressA]

if I cut my hair short(er). It's the longest it's been in years, but I'm not used to it at all, particularly as I'm in the habit of doing a dramatic chop in the summer months. It's a real pain in my *** sometimes.

 

BF, like many guys, very much prefers long hair. I talked to him about possibly cutting it and I know he doesn't really want me to, but in the end said "It's yours, do what you want with it." It's not like I would get a pixie, but even just going to my shoulders would be a dramatic change at this point. I showed him pictures of me with shorter hair and he was like "Well, it's okay..."

 

Now I'm feeling guilty about possibly doing something with MY own hair, which is MINE to do with as I like. And I do wonder if he would find me as attractive anyway, what with his preference. I'm not sure I want to take that chance, and I'm a little upset that there's even a risk of his attraction to me cooling.

 

Some good questions...when you're in a serious relationship with someone, should you really have to consult with the other person about changing your look and take their feelings into account before you do anything? Is going off and changing your look on a whim without considering your partner considered 'selfish'? Is it 'controlling' or 'selfish' if your partner doesn't want you to change your look?

[EasyHeart]

Some good questions...when you're in a serious relationship with someone, should you really have to consult with the other person about changing your look and take their feelings into account before you do anything?

No. It's your look and your body and your hair, you decide what to do with it. And he decides what he does with his. THis is especially true wrt hair, since choosing a hairstyle includes lots of practical issues. If he's attracted to you, your haircut won't matter.

 

Is going off and changing your look on a whim without considering your partner considered 'selfish'?

Absolutely not.

 

Is it 'controlling' or 'selfish' if your partner doesn't want you to change your look?

Yes. Your partner is certainly entitled to an opinion, and you should consider it, but it's your choice. Example:

 

"I'm thinking of cutting my hair short".

"I think your hair looks nice"

"But I've worn it this way and feel like trying something different."

"That makes sense. What are you thinking about?"

(You describe what you plan to do)

"Cool. I can't wait to see it!"

[superchiefs]

I think you should leave your hair longer if you are concerned about remaining attractive. You are correct, most guys do prefer longer hair on girls. I think any time a girl wants to make a change in her appearance, she should ask her boyfriend about it first. I know that if my girlfriend came home with a big tatoo over her face, that would be the end of our relationship. While I love her, I couldnt deal the ramnifications of such a thing. My family would be appalled. I work in a very professional atmosphere and if she came in to my work looking like that, more than likely I would lose my job. And I would be embarassed to go out with her in public.

 

And no, I dont think it is controlling or selfish for your partner to not want you to change your look. They have a right to their opinion. What would be controlling is if you asked your boyfriend about cutting your hair and his response was he would dump you if you cut it. However, it would not be selfish of him to tell you that he preferred longer hair and then you went against his preference and cut it short and then he did not find you attractive any more and broke up with you.

[Arasae]

I don't think you're selfish for wanting to change your look in the least. In a perfect world, I don't think you should "NEED" to ask your SO about any changes you want to make, although it might be a nice, thoughtful courtesy if you do.

 

My own experience has taught me that, yes, changing your hair length can change a man's attraction to you--I had shoulder length hair and cut it into a stylish bob, and my ex boyfriend's entire demeanor changed. Later, he admitted that he'd lost ALL attraction to me afterward (and then blamed that on his being a jerk). This man was an absolute twat-waffle all around, though, so maybe that had something to do with it?

 

My own humble opinion is that ify ou want to change your hair, you should, consequences be forgotten. Why? Well, our appearances ALL change as we grow older--if his attraction changes over something as trivial as your hair length, then he's probably not someone you want to spend your life with.

 

Good luck.

[sm1tten]

I couldn't see myself doing something that either my boyfriend or I absolutely hated. There has to be some compromise. I don't think it's selfish to express or act upon a preference on either side, but I think that it's a little ... cute... to say that if your partner is attracted to you then your haircut won't matter. If it emphasizes the wrong features (be they ugly or just not his favorites) it will matter.

[tigressA]

My own humble opinion is that if you want to change your hair, you should, consequences be forgotten. Why? Well, our appearances ALL change as we grow older--if his attraction changes over something as trivial as your hair length, then he's probably not someone you want to spend your life with.

 

Good luck.

 

I agree. I remember with my first boyfriend, he went from having a head full of thick dark curls to complete baldness. I didn't really want him to at the time, as I don't like bald heads, but he did it anyway. I quickly got used to it though, and my attraction to him didn't change. I know I'm capable of handling a partner's dramatic appearance change. I don't know if he is.

[Star Gazer]

If you're going to change your look to something you know your partner finds unattractive or less attractive than your current look, I think they deserve a heads up.

 

Yes, it's YOUR hair and you are free to do with it what YOU want. But I also wonder why you'd want to make yourself less attractive to your SO, especially if the change is just for comfort and ease.

 

I mean, wearing sweats and a few extra pounds would be more comfortable and easy than the effort it takes to look good for most people... But do they do it? Hopefully not.

 

I guess there's a balance between wanting to look good for oneself and wanting to look good for one's SO. However, here, it doesn't seem like "looking good" for your BF is even in the equation, but rather, wanting to avoid the work necessary to look good to him ("it's a pain in the ass" to have long hair).

 

If I were your BF, I'd be a lot more comfortable with:

 

"I know you like long hair, but I want to cut my hair because I feel much prettier when it's short."

 

Than:

 

"I know you like long hair, but it's too much trouble for me to look good in that way for you. So, I'm going back to what I'm used to and I'm gonna cut it."

 

The latter sounds selfish, no?

[OhSynapse]

It's your hair, so you should do whatever you want to it. If he doesn't like you just because you cut your hair, then he's obviously not worth it. My bf also prefers long hair, but I've always had my hair short. I'm going to keep my hair short because I like it better and am more comfortable with it. And, he still tells me that he likes my hairstyle even when it's short.

 

And I agree with SG about giving your bf a heads up.

Edited July 26, 2011 by OhSynapse

[Star Gazer]

I agree. I remember with my first boyfriend, he went from having a head full of thick dark curls to complete baldness. I didn't really want him to at the time, as I don't like bald heads, but he did it anyway. I quickly got used to it though, and my attraction to him didn't change. I know I'm capable of handling a partner's dramatic appearance change. I don't know if he is.

 

Would you agree if the issue was sudden and significant weight gain?

 

If you were all of a sudden a size 14, would you expect his attraction (different from love) to be the same?

 

You don't like tall guys. If he instantly became way taller and full of juice head muscles, would you be as equally attracted to him as you are now?

 

If so, I think your line of thinking is pretty naive.

 

I hope you're not testing him.

[tigressA]

Would you agree if the issue was sudden and significant weight gain?

 

If you were all of a sudden a size 14, would you expect his attraction (different from love) to be the same?

 

You don't like tall guys. If he instantly became way taller and full of juice head muscles, would you be as equally attracted to him as you are now?

 

If so, I think your line of thinking is pretty naive.

 

I hope you're not testing him.

 

You can't be serious. You're comparing a haircut to things that are much less likely (my extreme weight gain) or completely unable (his extreme height gain) to occur. I would never, ever allow myself to gain excess weight because I would feel horribly unattractive.

[temporaryvisa]

I wish I could cut off my hair but honestly--I can't! I don't think it'd suit me.

 

I think girls with long, healthy hair look the best.

 

Your boyfriend can't help what he thinks of your new haircut. I think it's a bit selfish if he said "you can never cut your hair, ever, or you won't be hot to me!" but it's not his fault if he likes long hair...

 

Honestly, once I asked a guy I was dating to shave his beard because he was atleast three times as hot without, and he did it for me on the third date...And he had a good night with me

[temporaryvisa]

Would you agree if the issue was sudden and significant weight gain?

 

If you were all of a sudden a size 14, would you expect his attraction (different from love) to be the same?

 

You don't like tall guys. If he instantly became way taller and full of juice head muscles, would you be as equally attracted to him as you are now?

 

If so, I think your line of thinking is pretty naive.

 

I hope you're not testing him.

 

This is a dumb argument. Significant weight gain is not even close to being the equivalent of a freakin hair cut when it comes to changing your appearance.

 

PLUS WTF--How would he become tall?! Isn't she dating adults?

:S

[tigressA]

Like I said, I wouldn't get a pixie or anything, though I have done that before and I loved it; I kept it for years. If I were single I would go for something like that again. So I'm not COMPLETELY disregarding his feelings on the matter. I am compromising.

 

"Isn't she dating adults?" :lmao: Yes, yes I am. Well, just one.

[Star Gazer]

You can't be serious. You're comparing a haircut to things that are much less likely (my extreme weight gain) or completely unable (his extreme height gain) to occur. I would never, ever allow myself to gain excess weight because I would feel horribly unattractive.

 

I am dead serious.

 

Don't question whether you'd actually ever gain weight because you'd feel horrible (I wouldn't cut my hair because I'd feel horrible).

 

The point is, you said if your appearance or his changed, you'd expect the attraction to remain the same. I think that's naive.

 

Changing your appearance to something that's more comfortable for you, but less attractive to your SO... I don't like the idea.

[BetheButterfly]

if I cut my hair short(er). It's the longest it's been in years, but I'm not used to it at all, particularly as I'm in the habit of doing a dramatic chop in the summer months. It's a real pain in my *** sometimes.

 

BF, like many guys, very much prefers long hair. I talked to him about possibly cutting it and I know he doesn't really want me to, but in the end said "It's yours, do what you want with it." It's not like I would get a pixie, but even just going to my shoulders would be a dramatic change at this point. I showed him pictures of me with shorter hair and he was like "Well, it's okay..."

 

Now I'm feeling guilty about possibly doing something with MY own hair, which is MINE to do with as I like. And I do wonder if he would find me as attractive anyway, what with his preference. I'm not sure I want to take that chance, and I'm a little upset that there's even a risk of his attraction to me cooling.

 

Some good questions...when you're in a serious relationship with someone, should you really have to consult with the other person about changing your look and take their feelings into account before you do anything? Is going off and changing your look on a whim without considering your partner considered 'selfish'? Is it 'controlling' or 'selfish' if your partner doesn't want you to change your look?

 

What would you think if your boyfriend grew his hair out? Would you prefer he not do that?

 

My boyfriend has "long"(for a man) hair. I LOVE it. If he ever cuts it, I would be sad. He loves long hair on me. I like my long hair too and have no desire to cut it. If I wanted to though, I would very much take into consideration his opinion.

 

Why?

 

Because I want to look beautiful for him. I also take into consideration what kind of clothes lights up his eyes when I walk into the room. Sweatpants don't light up his eyes lol. So, I don't wear sweatpants around him, though they are comfy. I prefer his eyes to be bright and shiny and for him to be all over me!

 

I think being a couple is a big decision, which includes deciding to give up the right of just thinking about me, and to instead, think of us. The "us" thinking I use when considering what to wear is based on both of us being happy.

 

Mutual happiness is good.

[oaks]

If he doesn't like it you can tell him that it'll grow back.

[BetheButterfly]

My husband is the man who has to look at me. I ask his opinion on what I wear and hairsyles. I know it is my choice, but I value his opinion.

 

My husband also considers my tastes. He will grow a beard or goatee, just because he knows his wife finds facial hair sexy. It itches hubby's face, but he still does it for me.

 

I think grey washes out my husband's complexion, so he sticks to blues and greens because I told him those hues bring out his red hair and blue eyes.

 

Awesome

[temporaryvisa]

Exactly--That's the thing with me. If I had a bf, if I loved him, I'd want to look beautiful for HIM, even more than for me, I think.

 

that's just me though..

[somedude81]

Definitely warn him in advance and don't get it cut too short.

 

It's a really uncomfortable situation for a man, when a woman he cares about cuts her hair short making her look less feminine and he has to lie through his teeth that it looks cute or nice.

Now I'm feeling guilty about possibly doing something with MY own hair, which is MINE to do with as I like. And I do wonder if he would find me as attractive anyway, what with his preference. I'm not sure I want to take that chance, and I'm a little upset that there's even a risk of his attraction to me cooling.

Since you're in a relationship your appearance does not only belong to you.

 

You said before that you dated a guy who went from a full head of hair to completely shaved and you got over it quickly. That's probably because a head of hair isn't a defining male characteristic.

 

The best thing I can come up with, that a man can do that has the same affect as woman cutting her hair short, is for him to only dress sloppily from now on. For example wearing clothes and shoes that you just hate. If he had a good sense of style, that should be a dramatic change that you would never really be able to accept.

[Star Gazer]

Exactly--That's the thing with me. If I had a bf, if I loved him, I'd want to look beautiful for HIM, even more than for me, I think.

 

that's just me though..

 

That's my point. But you called my argument dumb.

 

This thread is another example of TA asking a question yet already having her mind made up.

[sunshinegirl]

Interesting thread and ideas... though SG I'm a little surprised by how strongly you feel a haircut for the OP is a bad idea. Of all the physical changes that a person can make, a haircut is about the least permanent thing you can do. Piercings, tattoos, weight gain/loss, plastic surgery... these are all harder to 'undo' than a haircut where all you have to do is just wait a few months for it to grow out. And while I definitely believe we should make an effort to look attractive to our partners, I don't feel we have to be a slave (for lack of a better term) to their preferences. Just because my H might love me in stiletto heels doesn't mean I'm going to rid my closet of every other kind of shoe I own.

 

Back to hair: My H has known me only with long hair. Two weeks ago, I got fed up with how it looked. I had had a bad haircut and bad color last time, it grew out badly, was a pain to style, and on top of that I had some hair loss from surgery a few months ago and it was growing in all weird. I decided I wanted to make a major change after about 5 years of having past-my-shoulders-length hair.

 

I found a couple of pics online of what I was going for and showed H, asking "what would you think if I got a cut like this?" He was a little hesitant but said "I want you to be happy!" I pressed him on this - was he telling me the truth? and he insisted I should do what would make me feel good about my looks.

 

So I got the cut... and... H *loves* it. He thinks I look sexy with chin length hair and I've caught him looking at me a couple of times from across the room.

 

In my opinion, my H had the best response one could hope for from a partner: sure, he knew what he liked (or perhaps more accurately, he liked what he knew) but saw it was more important that I be happy with my appearance. And voila, turns out he likes the new look just as well (if not more) than the old. I will reciprocate that if/when he tells me he wants to shave his head bald.

 

Edit: I also want to add that, having had cancer last year where at one point we thought I might have to have chemo, it is a major luxury to have any hair at all. Our discussions over how long or what style it should be rank around #648 in terms of what's important in our relationship.

Edited July 26, 2011 by sunshinegirl

[manders_01]

What's to say that once he sees her with her new 'do he won't find her more attractive? Yes, many men prefer long hair but some women are not necessarily more attractive with it.

Edited July 26, 2011 by manders_01

[Feelsgoodman]

If you're going to change your look to something you know your partner finds unattractive or less attractive than your current look, I think they deserve a heads up.

 

Yes, it's YOUR hair and you are free to do with it what YOU want. But I also wonder why you'd want to make yourself less attractive to your SO, especially if the change is just for comfort and ease.

Exactly. How many women would continue dating a guy who "changed his look" by growing long hair, long nail, getting piercings on his face, etc?

 

Personally, I find the short, "tomboy" haircut extremely unattractive on 99% of women (though a select few can pull it off). If my girlfriend did something like that, in all honesty I would probably dump her.

[Chocolat]

Interesting responses.

 

I guess I am in the middle of the road here. On the one hand, I like my SO to think I am attractive and I will often conform to his ideas because I enjoy how I feel when he thinks I look great. That said, I also expect my SO to have reasonable tolerance for my appearance, as I do for his. So if I want to experiment with shorter hair for the summer, I don't see this as a deal-breaker or even something that will significantly change my attractiveness in his eyes. It's no different than him wearing that favorite, ratty old t-shirt on the weekends.

[Star Gazer]

Interesting thread and ideas... though SG I'm a little surprised by how strongly you feel a haircut for the OP is a bad idea. Of all the physical changes that a person can make, a haircut is about the least permanent thing you can do. Piercings, tattoos, weight gain/loss, plastic surgery... these are all harder to 'undo' than a haircut where all you have to do is just wait a few months for it to grow out. And while I definitely believe we should make an effort to look attractive to our partners, I don't feel we have to be a slave (for lack of a better term) to their preferences. Just because my H might love me in stiletto heels doesn't mean I'm going to rid my closet of every other kind of shoe I own.

 

I think you misunderstood me.

 

I am personally indifferent towards whether OP cuts her hair or makes any other change to her appearance. What I am troubled by is her attitude that no matter how she changes her appearance, he should remain just as attracted to her as he is now. I think that line of thinking is naive, regardless if the change is long-term or only takes a few months to fix. Here, long hair is only the issue because it seems it's important to him. For some men, it's hair length. For others, it's weight. For others, it's something else.

 

On the flip side, TA finds her BF's sense of style (linen pants?) attractive. As sumdude pointed out, if he were to change that to be more comfortable for himself, dressing in sweats everyday, even if that meant he'd be less attractive to TA and he knew that, she'd be upset.

 

Why? It says, "I'm not willing to put in the effort for you."

 

And I really don't think she's a slave to her hair, afterall. She doesn't even use shampoo. (Seriously.)

 

And using your stilettos example, cutting her hair is akin to you throwing out all the stilettos in your closet and telling your H you're not going to wear them. That's an even easier fix, as you can just go buy, or even borrow, another pair. But you wouldn't do that, would you? Of course not. Because looking good for your SO is important.