Author cs534 Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 It's definitely my problem with communication and being able to control what I say. We talked about how I should finish my conversations. Like for instance, I might say "There's something I need to say, but I'll say it when I'm ready." She's like what the heck, and wants me to say it right now. This puts me between a rock and a hard place, and when I do say it, we have these long discussions and kind of get into a little argument per se. What I need to work on is knowing how to say things in a nicer way, as well as just thinking a bit more before I say things. Tip: Share how you feel and also reflect what you are perceiving. The last part I relate to pilots and ATC and 'readback' to make sure everyone is agreement as to what was communicated. IME, this especially applies to sensitive communications. Lastly, try to avoid telling someone how you think they should feel. How they feel is how they feel. Accept it. Work with it. Communicate how you feel. Find a middle ground so you both feel heard and valued and loved. In other areas, like some of the female respondents related, I thought women in my past felt 'connected' to me because of their depth and scope of the intimacies they shared. With rare exception, that connection was situational, for once they were done, off went the switch and they moved on. No warning, no discussion, no reasons. Done. No doubt some of the bitterness evident in my tone comes from that reality. OTOH, I have great friends who show balance and equity in such connections, so the anecdotes are situational and specific rather than general and global. I suggest the OP keep that in mind when reading my responses. Good luck. Can you actually rephrase that? I didn't understand haha..
carhill Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Which part? 'november whiskey alpha, maintain visual separation with the company 747 at your 2 o'clock'
Author cs534 Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Tip: Share how you feel and also reflect what you are perceiving. The last part I relate to pilots and ATC and 'readback' to make sure everyone is agreement as to what was communicated... With rare exception, that connection was situational, for once they were done, off went the switch and they moved on. No warning, no discussion, no reasons. Done. No doubt some of the bitterness evident in my tone comes from that reality. OTOH, I have great friends who show balance and equity in such connections, so the anecdotes are situational and specific rather than general and global. I suggest the OP keep that in mind when reading my responses. I don't understand some of this lol.
snug.bunny Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Okay now, a new problem arose. We had a good long talk about this, about how I hurt her feelings with those two situations. And, before I even made these mistakes, she loved being close to me (probably emotionally). Now that I've made these mistakes, she has put her walls up and it's been a bit tough for her to even get close to me at all. (I think she's afraid of getting hurt again). So now I'm torn on what to do, because I don't want to lose her. I don't really have any intention on breaking up because I really want to work this out. Is there anything I can do to actually be more comfortable around me? Perhaps now (after your discussion with her), she is taking your thoughts/feelings into consideration and is trying to refrain from repeating the behavior that you disliked (i.e. unloading her problems on you). To help put things into perspective (and for future reference), a more constructive communication style (which ties into what Carhill is suggesting) would have been to communicate how her actions made you think/feel (I.E. "basically I just feel like sometimes you use me to let out those negative feelings"). Maybe it could have been phrased as "I feel as though sometimes when we are together, that you are unhappy because you mention negative things and it makes me feel X, Y and Z..." versus suggesting "she be more happy around you". When you phrase it the way you did initially, it's like telling someone they should be different (I.E. "you should be funnier" or "you should be prettier" or "you should last longer in bed when you're with me"). Saying it that way, comes across as insensitive, versus getting into the nuts and bolts of it. When a statement comes from a place of genuine concern, it tends to be perceived more positively. I know it's hard, sometimes we tend to just want to blurt out the first though that pops into our heads, when something or someone, makes us feel a particular way. Through open and honest communication, patience, respect and mutual understanding, hopefully you'll grow closer and your girlfriend will learn to be less sensitive and more happy in general.
rafallus Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 I have a little bit different of a take on this, I think. Women, in generally, tend to reserve the negative feelings for those they feel most connected to. We vent. And it's usually the significant other or a close gf. How proportionate it is to the positive emotions, I can't tell from your post. Also, I can't tell if these are just routine problems or if she's going through something difficult that anyone would be down about. The way you put it to her was a bit harsh. If you put yourself in her shoes, you'd see why she is reluctant to open up again. She felt she was connecting, you felt she was unloading. You're both right. It's just a matter of perception. Now she most likely feels like a burden to you. If you think that you'll get through life and find someone that is eternally happy and doesn't have down moments, I think you'll be disappointed. Look around on this board. There's a poster called Eternal Sunshine, who is anything but. She's sad and anxious. I knew a guy who had a gf that cried routinely about minor things, because she was a highly sensitive and emotional person. He couldn't take it. But he married her anyway because he loved her. I couldn't understand, but he wanted her. But there's going to be a certain amount of ups and downs in life, and if she can't tell you some of it, you have to ask yourself if you're really in it for the right reasons. No one is happy all of the time. That's life. It's just preferable to find someone who is happier more often than not. This. And if you were intimate with her throughout, I really don't think you were her punching bag at all. It would be very different if she was intentionally withholding any intimacy from you, while barraging you with negativity, but it was not the case.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Honestly, if you made "be happy around me" comment to me, I would be very pissed off. I am super-happy around people I don't know well. It's an act, a facade and it gets tiring. I am only sad around people that are close to me. So actually, seeing the sad side of me is a privilege. I suspect your gf is the same....
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 People with a true connection need to be able to express their negative as well as their positive emotions with a loved one. That said, the privilege of having that kind of connection with a person comes with responsibilities. If someone is constantly depressed, needy, negative, (drunk, high, raging, jealous, obsessive, compulsive, manic, insecure) etc.; it is not their loved one's duty or role to constantly be on the receiving end of that - though they would have to be accepting of the trait. The depressed, needy, negative person needs to realize that they're supposed to be in a mutually beneficial situation in the relationship. If they mostly have negative stuff to give their partner, they should IMO go get help for that elsewhere so that they can offer the best of who they are to the one they love, rather than the worst. This doesn't mean to fake a "happy" personality in order to keep a girl or boyfriend. It DOES mean that if a person has mostly negative to share, perhaps a relationship is not for them until they are able to bring more positive. Even a person who struggles with depression and who is basically a melancholic personality, as I am myself, has the capacity to be positive, to look for joy and gratitude, and for opportunities to do good in relationships and otherwise. A person who is mostly giving negative stuff in a relationship is like an emotional vampire. Draining, soul destroying after a while, if it's bad enough. There ARE "co-dependent" people who want to "help" and to "fix" a depressed, needy, negative, drunk, high, raging, jealous, or whatever, partner. This type of person seems to exclusively gravitate towards those he or she feels that they can "help." If you are one of those people, your girlfriend might feel that she has hit pay dirt (and, as the above poster has said, that it's a "privilege" you are receiving for her to "reveal" all of that to you). IMO, it's just as unhealthy for the negative person to be with the co-dependent person as vice-versa. I agree that perhaps your communication style could use some work, but more than that I do get the picture that your girlfriend is manipulating you, using you to try to fill her own voids, and that you will always be walking on eggshells. Such a person can be captivating ... strange, but very true. I hope you won't let yourself be trapped in a negative cycle with a person who may not be interested in working on her own problems. You won't be able to "fix" what keeps her "sad."
betterdeal Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 There's a saying, "many a truth said in jest" and I think it applies to you. Your texts to her were, in my opinion, what you wanted to say. That doesn't make you a bad person, but it is better to acknowledge the possibility that that's what you really wanted to say. Which then leads me to wonder, why do you feel such a desperate need to know she landed safely? Almost all planes land safely. It's the safest form of transport, and you probably know that. So you're not worried about the plane landing. So what are you worried about? Well, going back a bit further, you sort of told her to stop being so miserable all the time and do some happy with you. That went down badly with her, and maybe you're a bit insecure because of that. Going back a bit further, what made you tell her to be happy? What is it about her opening up to you that you dislike? From what you have said, you feel she offloads on you and gives her best side to everyone else. So, in summary, you want to have happy times with her, and for her to feel comfortable sharing with you, and for you to feel comfortable with that too. You also want to correct the course of your journey together and mend the harm possibly done so far. The first bit is more long term, more deep; the second bit is more immediate, more superficial. My advice: Say you're sorry if you've been a bit intense lately and give her some space. A few days before you next contact her will be enough. That deals with the immediate issue. Realise that when someone shares what is often a private, sensitive thing with you they are not necessarily asking for you to fix it. Us men often fall into the trap of feeling we're being asked such. We're not. (It doesn't help that a lot of women do often ask indirectly, by implication, but that's normally for practical things like taking the rubbish out or walking the dog or buying her a yacht) Empathy and compassion, understanding and acknowledging the feelings someone has, is what sharing is about. So, listen, comprehend, and don't take ownership of the original problem, but do take ownership of being there at that time to listen. And tell her you like her to feel she can share with you, and that you were just a little unused to it, that you can't fix it and don't want to fix it, but you do like getting to know her well. Now, this is where it gets a bit tricky. When you feel it's all a bit too heavy for you, get into the knack of suggesting doing something more fun at the time you feel it's getting too heavy for you. You have to be able to draw a conclusion to it, move the agenda on, and suggesting something you both enjoy is a good way to do that. Take in what she's said, take a deep breath and suggest, I dunno, going and getting an ice cream / beer / watching a movie / whatever it is you guys enjoy. Hope that helps.
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