Two strikes...

[cs534]

So this girl I've been seeing for a few months is a special person. She's a beautiful, affectionate girl who treats me nicely. She doesn't play any games because she's more mature than that.

 

Situation 1:

With her, she is good at hiding her true feelings. She has had lots of bad past experiences with life, which incidentally made her into a negative person. Although we do have some happy moments, she only shows her sad side to those that are close to her (which everybody pretty much does, right?)

 

The problem that I did (and if it isn't my fault, please let me know), was to suggest to her that she be more happy around me. The reason why I asked this was because she's always happy when around casual friends and acquaintances. The one thing I did not realize was that we do have some happy moments together, I just did not consider those and only focused on the moments where she shared her sad past experiences.

 

I told her that I felt like I was her punching bag or bag of tissues, and that's when the bubble erupted.

 

She left for a brief period (and this is all an online conversation), and came back. During that brief period I created a little apologetic speech in which I said I was foolish, selfish, and inconsiderate for forcing her to act that way. Luckily she accepted my apology, but at the same time she said that she will try to find other "outlets" to use for her sadness.

 

Q: What should I do? I'm afraid she won't open up to me anymore. And what are your opinions? Did I do something wrong?

 

Situation 2:

She was away at a conference in another state, and she was gone for the weekend.

When I dropped her off at the airport the beginning of the weekend, I told her to call me once she landed. Saturday came, and I tried calling her, but she never answered. Monday came, and she finally called me and left a voicemail saying that she heard my voicemail and said sorry for not calling because she was very busy, and now she's exhausted.

 

Here's the problem:

I tried to be funny and tried to play hard-to-get, but I sent her a text saying "Ur sorry doesn't cut it."

With this, she was a bit alarmed at my message. She asked what my problem was and I responded back explaining how worried I was when she didn't call when her flight landed because I didn't know what I would do without her.

Anyway, she obviously couldn't tell I was joking and playing around (since it was a text message and not a phone call), and I said that my reasoning was stupid and didn't make sense.

"I'm sorry I didn't call and worried you. But, I don't appreciate you treating me like my parents treat me."

I explained that I was wrong to send that attitude text, and that for some reason I like to cause stress to people (I enjoy joking/pranking people like the show Punk'd, even though I know it's wrong).

 

So...what the hell is wrong with me lol.

 

I guess the real questions are, what is my girl thinking at this point? I did manage to solve the "problem" by apologizing, but if there is any other thing I can say to make her feel better, please advise me.

[rafallus]

The one thing I did not realize was that we do have some happy moments together, I just did not consider those and only focused on the moments where she shared her sad past experiences.

 

I told her that I felt like I was her punching bag or bag of tissues, and that's when the bubble erupted.

 

She probably shared it to connect with you. But you essentially rejected her.

 

Now it looks like she's written you off.

[chuckles11]

If she was consistently being negative and it was bringing you down, you were right to address it. You are not her therapist. Whether there were good times or not, clearly her behavior was affecting you. You probably would have been better off addressing her behavior in person, though.

 

I'll be honest, I also don't like going through with the "call me when you land" routine, but I do think that someone you are in an exclusive relationship with should have the courtesy to return your phone call. You took time out of your day to drive her to the airport, but she doesn't have two minutes to call you back over the weekend and see what you were calling about?

 

However, once she apologized, I think you should have either let it go or been direct with her. Jokes like the text you sent don't translate over text.

 

I don't think that you can "fix" these situations. All you can do is try to be more cognizant in the future about how she may perceive things you say to her.

[carhill]

Q: What should I do? I'm afraid she won't open up to me anymore. And what are your opinions? Did I do something wrong?

 

Leave her alone. You're not her therapist or tampon.

 

Regarding the issue with the 'call', I can tell you I travel a lot on airplanes and the first thing which happens upon hitting the runway is you hear the sound of cell phones and PDA's being fired up. I'd swear those things are dispensing heroin. So, even while captive in a seat belt in an aluminum tube, one can take one minute to call and 'hey, honey, I'm on the ground. Love you'. My exW and I did this all the time when traveling. It's nothing. Then, not answering a VM on top of that.

 

My prognosis is not good. It's the little things. Pay attention to them. People reveal who they are. It's up to you to accept it. Good luck

[sm1tten]

I tend to be rather guarded with my emotions and have a hard time expressing them, and I know that one thing my boyfriend hates is being around depressed and whiny people (and frankly, so do I). Because I know that, I have a tendency to act distant when I am feeling something negative. I don't know how much unloading your girlfriend did on you, but if my boyfriend said something like that to me, I would probably become more distant. The fact that you were (jokingly) antagonising her probably stressed her out even further.

 

I don't think you can make this better, alone. She needs to find healthy outlets for her negativity and you need to tone down your abrasiveness.

[carhill]

Here's what the OP said which started the 'problems'.

 

I told her that I felt like I was her punching bag or bag of tissues

 

He told her how he felt. Nothing more. No ultimatums; no dictating of how she should behave. Simple explanation of his feelings.

 

If she found this sharing to be a negative issue for her, that's valid. However, it doesn't invalidate his feelings. IMO he communicated them properly, initially. However, his real trouble started when he began to backpedal. He should have just left it alone. Let it process. Leave communication lines open.

 

According to what I'm reading, she didn't apologize at all for anything, rather 'accepted his apology' (the backpedal). IME, this is common with broken women. They rarely apologize. I was married to one for ten years. I think she apologized once, and that was in MC (marriage counseling).

 

I'll stick with my prognosis and the advice to watch the little things, either in this dynamic or in the future. The truth is in the details. Good luck.

[sm1tten]

carhill, if your post is in response to me - I think he had nothing to apologise for in that instance. The language would hurt my feelings, honestly, but the sentiment behind them I can understand. My distance isn't a punishment. Maybe that's not the right term, but what I meant is that I would cease the unloading. I do think that HER distance (not calling/returning his call) was meant to be punitive. But I also think that his teasing will cause her to pull away even further.

 

ETA: sorry for threadjacking a tiny bit, I just wanted to offer "other side" persepective. In doing that I realised even more than before how much that's something I need to work on.

Edited July 26, 2011 by sm1tten

[cs534]

Thanks for all the quick replies.

She did apologize, but that was only after she accepted my apology. Well, actually I don't even know if it was a full apology, but rather she just said she's sorry that she has a lot of sad things on her mind, and that she doesn't know what to do.

 

And right, I didn't dictate her to act a certain way but here's a direct quote from the conversation:

 

me: sometimes i feel like u treat me as this punching bag or bag of tissues

like, i appreciate you opening up to me and all with your emotions fully let out

but i mean sometimes it can get a little saddening if you're only sad around me lol

her: okay

me: i mean of course we do have some good times, but i dunno..

her: then don't be with me.

me: im just saying

requesting

if you can

be a little happier

I guess after this she just felt like I didn't know her at all... she said that sharing her negative feelings was because we have a connection. And she does try to make an effort to share happy things too.

 

#confused

[cs534]

carhill, if your post is in response to me - I think he had nothing to apologise for in that instance. The language would hurt my feelings, honestly, but the sentiment behind them I can understand. My distance isn't a punishment. Maybe that's not the right term, but what I meant is that I would cease the unloading. I do think that HER distance (not calling/returning his call) was meant to be punitive. But I also think that his teasing will cause her to pull away even further.

 

Thanks for your post. I do realize that my "teasing" may cause her to pull away even further, because I have to honestly stop trying to "tease" her over the Internet, but rather, in person. She's much more serious when we have conversations online.

And I think I'm bad at trying to be funny...

[carhill]

But I also think that his teasing will cause her to pull away even further.

 

I agree. He should just leave it alone and let it process. What happens happens. IME, with such women, they usually disappear. It's easier to acquire a new love interest than deal with increasing intimacy and the attendant potential conflicts. I imagine the same holds true for men with that personality type as well.

 

I do note a conflict within the OP, in that he describes her as a 'negative person' who 'treats me nicely' and is 'affectionate'. Hmm... I'm thinking his lust has tinted his analysis glasses a bit rose.

[cs534]

I do note a conflict within the OP, in that he describes her as a 'negative person' who 'treats me nicely' and is 'affectionate'. Hmm... I'm thinking his lust has tinted his analysis glasses a bit rose.

 

Well when I describe her as a negative person, I know she tends to think a bit more pessimistic. We both know this about her. She is someone who does treat me nicely and is affectionate (kisses and hugs a lot )

[nyc_guy2003]

Regarding the issue with the 'call', I can tell you I travel a lot on airplanes and the first thing which happens upon hitting the runway is you hear the sound of cell phones and PDA's being fired up. I'd swear those things are dispensing heroin. So, even while captive in a seat belt in an aluminum tube, one can take one minute to call and 'hey, honey, I'm on the ground. Love you'. My exW and I did this all the time when traveling. It's nothing. Then, not answering a VM on top of that.

 

My prognosis is not good. It's the little things. Pay attention to them. People reveal who they are. It's up to you to accept it. Good luck

 

Agree with this. I find it hard to believe that someone doesn't check their cell phone or blackberry once over an entire weekend unless her business trip was to the Alaskan outback. I'm pretty sure she did send a message to somebody when she landed...the obvious question is, if it wasn't to you then, to whom?

[snug.bunny]

The problem that I did (and if it isn't my fault, please let me know), was to suggest to her that she be more happy around me.

She may have perceived the above statement, the exact same way you mentioned here:

 

I just did not consider those and only focused on the moments where she shared her sad past experiences.

You called her out as an "unhappy person". Which, could have been fine, if it had been phrased differently and from a place of concern/empathy (i.e. "I don't like seeing you upset, I want you to feel happy around me).

 

I told her that I felt like I was her punching bag or bag of tissues, and that's when the bubble erupted.

How does she make you feel like a "punching bag" exactly? Can you point out some interactions between the two of you that caused you to feel that way?

 

As for the second incident, she could have practiced a little more consideration, by calling you when she landed. Try to curb taking jabs (i.e. "Ur sorry doesn't cut it") and practice demonstrating genuine concern. When genuine concern is shown in a passive aggressive manner, it can create animosity.

 

That being said, it would be helpful for her to not take everything to heart and hopefully she can learn how to be "less" sensitive.

[carhill]

She is someone who does treat me nicely and is affectionate (kisses and hugs a lot

Yes, I know that well. IME, it's (hugs and kisses and 'sweetie', etc) appreciation for being the unloading receptacle. I found your 'request' that she share her happier times with you to be instructive. That didn't come out of thin air. I hope she reflects upon what you've shared (and you give her the space to do so) and you and she can resolve it. IME, meaning in my interactions with women in similar circumstances, I've yet to have any such healthy resolution. Perhaps you will add a positive data point. Good luck

[cs534]

How does she make you feel like a "punching bag" exactly? Can you point out some interactions between the two of you that caused you to feel that way?

 

Okay I guess punching bag was a bad metaphor, I mean basically some of her conversations with me consist of but are not limited to talking about someone who tried to hit on her, or a roommate problem, or something that happened to her in the past. Basically I just feel like sometimes she uses me to let out those negative feelings.

 

But she doesn't just talk to me about negative feelings. I was stupid and did not think hard enough (I talked without thinking) about the happy feelings she shared with me.

[rafallus]

Well when I describe her as a negative person, I know she tends to think a bit more pessimistic. We both know this about her. She is someone who does treat me nicely and is affectionate (kisses and hugs a lot )

 

Kisses like what? Cheeks or makeout sessions?

 

How intimate have you got with her anyways?

[snug.bunny]

Okay I guess punching bag was a bad metaphor, I mean basically some of her conversations with me consist of but are not limited to talking about someone who tried to hit on her, or a roommate problem, or something that happened to her in the past. Basically I just feel like sometimes she uses me to let out those negative feelings.

 

So, the above (especially the bolded) is the root of it...

 

She shouldn't constantly mention to you, all the men that hit on her. That is something that bothers you, and you need to tell her so, that it bothers you and you can ask her not to share that with you.

 

The other items, well, maybe she just feels comfortable enough to share those things with you (things that bother her) and while you don't want to be with someone who constantly whines and complains about every detail, you do want to have a safe environment between the two of you, where you can share openly with one another.

 

But she doesn't just talk to me about negative feelings. I was stupid and did not think hard enough (I talked without thinking) about the happy feelings she shared with me.

 

We all say stupid things from time to time, that's life. Try to pin point the exact reason for saying something "stupid" and try to think before you speak to see if you can phrase it differently so that you don't send the other person into defense mode. And, you definitely want to avoid, having to feel like you always have to say "sorry sweetie" in order to sugar coat things over. That's not good for you, because it doesn't allow you to assert yourself, and that's not good for the other person, because they will feel like you're just trying to appease versus being genuine.

 

Effective communication is so beneficial, and it takes loads of practice, so don't beat yourself up over it.

[cs534]

@rafallus: She's affectionate, she loves to hold hands all the time and cuddle wherever we can. As for how intimate we've gotten, we had sex a few times already.

 

@snug.bunny: Thanks for the advice. You're right, I think I am saying sorry way too much. And yes, I have a bit of a problem with effective communication; I'm not really good with words so sometimes I may say something nasty when I mean it to sound nice lol.

[cs534]

Okay now, a new problem arose.

 

We had a good long talk about this, about how I hurt her feelings with those two situations. And, before I even made these mistakes, she loved being close to me (probably emotionally). Now that I've made these mistakes, she has put her walls up and it's been a bit tough for her to even get close to me at all.

(I think she's afraid of getting hurt again).

 

So now I'm torn on what to do, because I don't want to lose her. I don't really have any intention on breaking up because I really want to work this out. Is there anything I can do to actually be more comfortable around me?

[chuckles11]

Okay now, a new problem arose.

 

We had a good long talk about this, about how I hurt her feelings with those two situations. And, before I even made these mistakes, she loved being close to me (probably emotionally). Now that I've made these mistakes, she has put her walls up and it's been a bit tough for her to even get close to me at all.

(I think she's afraid of getting hurt again).

 

So now I'm torn on what to do, because I don't want to lose her. I don't really have any intention on breaking up because I really want to work this out. Is there anything I can do to actually be more comfortable around me?

 

 

Stop writing things that could be misinterpreted in text. If you have a gripe with something she does, bring it up in a forum where you can actually speak to each other.

 

Otherwise, do not change your behavior. You should be yourself, and if the relationship works out great. You will be in for a world of hurt if you stop addressing legitimate issues that you have with her behavior out of fear that you will hurt her feelings.

[carhill]

You had a good long talk, presumably on the phone or in person (recommended). You accept that she feels hurt over this episode. You didn't mention if she validated and accepted your feelings. Balance is healthy. Leave her to process it.

 

IME, and I can be pretty 'sensitive', when someone 'throws walls up' that quickly and severely, something else is going on other than the 'hurt du jour'. You many never know what it is.

 

You really want to work it out? Be open to resolution should you have contact with her again. Right now is not that time. She knows you care. Your efforts to find middle ground underscore that care. Trust that she'll do what's in her best interest and that of your relationship, whether it be to further resolve it or end it. What she does is outside of your control.

 

Part of being confident is compromising. Another part is knowing when to walk away. All choices are voluntary. Good luck.

[zengirl]

I think she sounds like someone who's not ready for a successful relationship, sadly. Any dynamic will be toxic with what she's bringing in. OP, you could certainly learn more effective communication (and perhaps working on that could be your takeaway from this) but I agree that time and space would be the only appropriate healers for this relationship. It may be possible, at some point, but she (and perhaps you as well) has some stuff to do before she's in that spot. Which doesn't mean you need to breakup---I phrased it weird---but it does mean you'll have to kind of 'wait and see' for growth. Work on your communication, but she'll have to do the rest.

 

I found your 'request' that she share her happier times with you to be instructive. That didn't come out of thin air. I hope she reflects upon what you've shared (and you give her the space to do so) and you and she can resolve it. IME, meaning in my interactions with women in similar circumstances, I've yet to have any such healthy resolution. Perhaps you will add a positive data point. Good luck

 

I think in this case (with all the details) I lean slightly towards agreeing with you. Overall, though, I would caution people not to criticize a partner for sharing some sadness/anxiety/negative emotions with them, as any deep relationship needs a safe and open space to do this. And "be more happy!" is kind of terrible advice to someone when they're sad. I know, from both sides of it. However, it sounds like this girl is overindulgent and kind of an emotional jerk about it to the OP. And that's not okay.

[daphne]

I have a little bit different of a take on this, I think. Women, in generally, tend to reserve the negative feelings for those they feel most connected to. We vent. And it's usually the significant other or a close gf. How proportionate it is to the positive emotions, I can't tell from your post. Also, I can't tell if these are just routine problems or if she's going through something difficult that anyone would be down about.

 

The way you put it to her was a bit harsh. If you put yourself in her shoes, you'd see why she is reluctant to open up again. She felt she was connecting, you felt she was unloading. You're both right. It's just a matter of perception. Now she most likely feels like a burden to you.

 

If you think that you'll get through life and find someone that is eternally happy and doesn't have down moments, I think you'll be disappointed. Look around on this board. There's a poster called Eternal Sunshine, who is anything but. She's sad and anxious.

 

I knew a guy who had a gf that cried routinely about minor things, because she was a highly sensitive and emotional person. He couldn't take it. But he married her anyway because he loved her. I couldn't understand, but he wanted her. But there's going to be a certain amount of ups and downs in life, and if she can't tell you some of it, you have to ask yourself if you're really in it for the right reasons.

 

No one is happy all of the time. That's life. It's just preferable to find someone who is happier more often than not.

[dispatch3d]

To situation one, maybe start getting some exercise with her? It's a pretty good stress reliever. I think you should listen to problems she has.

 

Situation two. Everyone kind of does this to some extent. That doesn't make it a good thing. I'd just apologize for your off comment and move on. You just said something silly, nothing more.

[carhill]

Good advice OP. Try some new and different communication methods in the future. I would recommend having any relationship 'discussions' in person, if possible. There's no substitute for facing each other and absorbing every aspect, from language to tone to body posture to facial expressions. Very important, IMO.

 

Tip: Share how you feel and also reflect what you are perceiving. The last part I relate to pilots and ATC and 'readback' to make sure everyone is agreement as to what was communicated. IME, this especially applies to sensitive communications. Lastly, try to avoid telling someone how you think they should feel. How they feel is how they feel. Accept it. Work with it. Communicate how you feel. Find a middle ground so you both feel heard and valued and loved.

 

In other areas, like some of the female respondents related, I thought women in my past felt 'connected' to me because of their depth and scope of the intimacies they shared. With rare exception, that connection was situational, for once they were done, off went the switch and they moved on. No warning, no discussion, no reasons. Done. No doubt some of the bitterness evident in my tone comes from that reality. OTOH, I have great friends who show balance and equity in such connections, so the anecdotes are situational and specific rather than general and global. I suggest the OP keep that in mind when reading my responses. Good luck.