BetterMan Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 My wife of 20 years has recently left me and the boys. During the summer she wants joint custody, so our boys spend half the nights at home and half with her. NC is incredibly hard, and the last time she had them for six days I lasted five and then had to contact her regarding drop off/exchange of the boys. She just picked them up again, and everything was very happy smiley from both of us, with no attempt by either to get a hug or anything. So, Wednesday I get the boys back, then Saturday she gets them back. How am I supposed to go NC if we have to see each other every few days? When school is back in session it might be more often, as she lives easily an hour away from home and the schools, but will want to see the boys (and I refuse to give up every weekend). Also, I am going to want her to take on her share of parenting during the school year, but they can't stay with her on school nights. How do I work it then?
onlyafool Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 That's a tough one. You can't really go NC with your ex-wife if you have kids. Kids pick up on the tension, even when you aren't living under the same roof anymore. And believe me, there will be tension. You can limit your contact to kid related things, but I'd leave it at that until some time passes. My ex and I were married for 11 years and communication was rough for the first year after the divorce. I didn't like her and she didn't like me. But as time passed and our lives moved on, I actually began to get along with her pretty well. So well, in fact, that people comment on both sides about how they wished they had that type of cohesive relationship with their ex...for the kids sake. Eventually, I just got to the point where I could care less about what she did in her personal life, as long as it doesn't interfere with her raising our kids. Getting to that point took a lot of time for me though. But once I got there, things became easier for everyone.
WTRanger Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 You can't go NC, but you just keep the convo about the kids and the kids only. When you drop off or pick up the kids, any important information about the kids is passed then you are on out the door. Anything between you two stays out of it until private times away from the kids.
Trimmer Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 You don't go NC, you can't. This post reflects my typical advice for someone in your situation...
chuzzbug Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 NC means 'no contact'. You can interpret this in several ways, and operationalize the definition into something that works for you. You need to start viewing your ex as not the person that she was, but the person that she is right now. This is obviously extremely difficult, I know, because memories and feelings are triggered and crash down on you as soon as you see her. The person she is right now is different from who she was. Her emotional and mental state has changed. In essence, she is a different person. When we have a hard time seeing our ex, it is because we cannot square the memories of who they were with who they are right now. Standing in front of us, almost an affront, deaf to the feelings we may still harbour. This hurts, hurts bad, and as soon as you make the distinction (not just intellectually, which is trivial, but emotionally, which is Herculean) that you are "in contact" with a new person, not who your ex was, but who she is right now, it will be slightly easier. I don't mean to say that there is anything you can do to make it easy. If there were, we'd all be doing it and this forum would simply not exist. However, slightly reframing your perception can be very helpful, and accumulate towards a new way of thinking.
Trimmer Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 NC means 'no contact'. You can interpret this in several ways, and operationalize the definition into something that works for you. You need to start viewing your ex as not the person that she was, but the person that she is right now. This is obviously extremely difficult, I know, because memories and feelings are triggered and crash down on you as soon as you see her. The person she is right now is different from who she was. Her emotional and mental state has changed. In essence, she is a different person. When we have a hard time seeing our ex, it is because we cannot square the memories of who they were with who they are right now. Standing in front of us, almost an affront, deaf to the feelings we may still harbour. This hurts, hurts bad, and as soon as you make the distinction (not just intellectually, which is trivial, but emotionally, which is Herculean) that you are "in contact" with a new person, not who your ex was, but who she is right now, it will be slightly easier. I don't mean to say that there is anything you can do to make it easy. If there were, we'd all be doing it and this forum would simply not exist. However, slightly reframing your perception can be very helpful, and accumulate towards a new way of thinking. Yeah, that's kind of what the post I referred to talks about. I did that "reframing of perception" (good term...) by separating my ex into her various character roles, and then compartmentalizing each of them in an appropriate fashion. In this way, I could pretty much go NC with the "spouse" character, but still continue to deal with her as "parent" and set a boundary where I refused to let "spouse" issues come into that dynamic. Worked for me...
jstobo Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I'm going through the same thing right now. I have the kids 50% of the time, but I was needing to drop them off and pick them up at her house several times a week since I worked and she didn't. I get anxiety every time I start driving down those streets. She still lives in the community we had our marital house in. I dread seeing something I don't want to see. I've done my best to not have to drop the kids off and have someone else take care of them like my mom. That has helped a lot. It has allowed me to go 5 days without contact. It's still hard when I do need to do an exchange, but I try and stay in the car and my kids don't question it. It's been 4 months for me and I know "onlyafool" is right and that it will keep getting easier. Unfortunately, you can't and never will be able to go NC, but you can go LC.
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