spiderowl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 What does 'having a relationship' mean to a guy? I ask because I get the impression guys think that regular sex is a relationship. That all else is irrelevant, the emotional side is more of a nuisance to them than anything, and when they say they are seeking a relationship they just mean regular sex within minimal emotional involvement. What do you think?
zengirl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 What does 'having a relationship' mean to a guy? I ask because I get the impression guys think that regular sex is a relationship. That all else is irrelevant, the emotional side is more of a nuisance to them than anything, and when they say they are seeking a relationship they just mean regular sex within minimal emotional involvement. What do you think? Not the guys I know. That sounds like a FWB situation. Though surely some (not all or even most, but some) of the men who can't get casual sex or FWB situations probably try to pass them off as the kind of B.S. relationships you're describing. I'm sure that's happened. I don't understand the notion that men are terrified of relationships. Some are, but so are some women. The only difference is women are socialized to say they want them (not all say it still) and men are not. But the saying of it doesn't = the wanting of it and vice versa. Plenty of men actually want relationships. I've met them. I'm friends with them. I've dated them. And, frankly, there are probably plenty on this board who can attest that they want real connections with real people and to form real relationships and partnerships.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 What you described is a certain type of relationship. It's called a "booty call". I kid but I'm kinda serious. There are "serious" relationships and there is everything else some of which some shallow guys think of as a "relationship". I've had a few FWB "relationships" and one where I was the booty call. But if you want to know what I think of as a real relationship, it's exclusivity and lots of happy feelings about the future with someone. People can also be in relationships that "used to" be that way that aren't over yet but I don't want to be a pessimist. If I had a choice I would choose a nice exclusive committed relationship with thoughts of living happily ever after.
Author spiderowl Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 Thanks for honest and thoughtful replies. I guess you can tell I'm a bit p****d off with what seems to be a male understanding of relationships. I'm just fed up of getting chatting to a guy and I feel they are trying to turn it into flirty, sex chat, some more blatantly than others. Given that we haven't even met but have communicated online, why do they think it's OK to do this and barely ask anything about me as a person? They say the want a relationship but other than the flirty, sex interest, I can't see anything resembling an emotional connection or desire for one. Am I just unlucky here?
Eddie Edirol Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Thanks for honest and thoughtful replies. I guess you can tell I'm a bit p****d off with what seems to be a male understanding of relationships. I'm just fed up of getting chatting to a guy and I feel they are trying to turn it into flirty, sex chat, some more blatantly than others. Given that we haven't even met but have communicated online, why do they think it's OK to do this and barely ask anything about me as a person? They say the want a relationship but other than the flirty, sex interest, I can't see anything resembling an emotional connection or desire for one. Am I just unlucky here? Youre just unlucky. There are guys that want a real relationship, emotions and all, and they want to know the real you. It could be your preferences, or a number of other criteria that you are using to pick these guys. But from what Ive heard on this board, many of the guys online just want booty calls, even though they say they want a relationship. You have your sex filter in place, and its working, you just need to play the numbers.
Author spiderowl Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 I think I must be very unlucky then because I always seem to get the flirty, superficial types. I drop them as soon as I realise they can't chat about anything else, but it's very frustrating. "How are you?" means 'cursory greeting so that we can get on to flirty sex chat'. This from a guy who sounded reasonably interested online. It's as if guys only text when fantasising or something! I don't understand why I keep getting this. I'm no stunner, just an ordinary looker, so why all this superficial stuff all the time? Do guys think flirty chat must precede a relationship or are they really this superficial? If I reject the sex chat, I get some annoyed text about being 'uptight' or 'inhibited'. That's where it ends for me because I don't want to chat with a guy who is trying to pressure me. There has got to be something more to starting a relationship!
Eddie Edirol Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 (edited) There has got to be something more to starting a relationship! Yeah! something more means Do it in person, because online is a meat market for the young booty calls! Especially the free ones. Edited July 27, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
Author spiderowl Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Well, I'm not young, but I'm beginning to think you're right and the decent guys who know how to talk to a woman are just not bothering with online.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Well, I'm not young, but I'm beginning to think you're right and the decent guys who know how to talk to a woman are just not bothering with online. Nope, they arent. Online is useless after you learn how to talk to people in person. Its SOO much easier and faster to deal with, and filter people in person than it is online. From what I heard, online consists of people who need validation, and people who dont know how to-and are afraid to approach someone in person. All your horny guys who havent gotten laid in a while slip to the bottom of that pool. Anyone who isnt a creep online climbs out pretty easily...and youre left with...well yknow. Anyone who is looking for something real is caught in the crossfire.
thatone Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 What does 'having a relationship' mean to a guy? I ask because I get the impression guys think that regular sex is a relationship. That all else is irrelevant, the emotional side is more of a nuisance to them than anything, and when they say they are seeking a relationship they just mean regular sex within minimal emotional involvement. What do you think? you're just finding bad men and/or using sex in the wrong way. to me, the whole point of relationships is to be comfortable and trusting with the person you've got. as long as it's good and we're compatible sexually it becomes a lesser concern, really, sort of a given that goes along with the other positive things about the relationship. men are not emotional about sex like women are, you will not catch a man with sex alone unless it's abnormally amazing and you just happen to be 100% compatible otherwise.
musemaj11 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Saying a relationship for all men is about getting sex is like saying a relationship for all women is about getting their expenses paid for.
shadowofman Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I have no idea anymore. The last woman I had a "relationship" with (8 years domestic) completely ruined my idea of a working relationship.
shadowofman Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I suppose currently, my idea would be similar to the OP's description. To open my emotions up to the degree that I have in the past with women is asking to be hurt. Personally, I believe women tend to be as frivolous with emotions as men tend to be with the physical. Women tend to get angry at men for not opening up emotionally, similar to the way men get angry when women don't open up sexually. And when men finally do open up emotionally, women tend to bore easily and move on to the next meaningless emotional relationship. Just like men can get bored with a woman sexually.
phineas Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Youre just unlucky. There are guys that want a real relationship, emotions and all, and they want to know the real you. It could be your preferences, or a number of other criteria that you are using to pick these guys. But from what Ive heard on this board, many of the guys online just want booty calls, even though they say they want a relationship. You have your sex filter in place, and its working, you just need to play the numbers. This is true, however from friends I know who are online dating, (very good looking friends) any woman is DTF if the guy is hot enough regardless of what they have in their profile about guys just looking for sex can "move along" It really depends on the site though. POF is basically a hook-up site.
phineas Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Well, I'm not young, but I'm beginning to think you're right and the decent guys who know how to talk to a woman are just not bothering with online. Define "decent". If decent = very attractive well, as was said, good looking guys don't need dating sites unless their looking for something specific in a woman like a specific career or field of study or certain activities like geo-caching but then there is meetup.com for meeting people with similar interests. I've looked at my competition on POF for instance. If you eliminated all the athletic built guys with shirtless pics, and cheesy romantic gobbly-gook describing their ideal first date you basically got 10 guys to choose from & 5 of those are smart enough to get the chick in front of them before getting sexual. The other 5 are guys like me who run into women that loose interest or get turned off/ hurt self esteem if I don't try to get into their panties on the first date. I never really considered myself a good looking guy, but when I lost enough weight to have a jaw line & wear size 30 jeans I can honestly say the only thing keeping me single right now is me. And i'm 5'8" the supposed insta dis-qualifier according to these boards. LOL! Basically, good looking athletic guys do not need online to meet someone for a relationship. They do it for easy sex.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 This is true, however from friends I know who are online dating, (very good looking friends) any woman is DTF if the guy is hot enough regardless of what they have in their profile about guys just looking for sex can "move along" It really depends on the site though. POF is basically a hook-up site. Yeah I thought I wrote it in this thread, but I didnt, I should have said that online dating is a meat market for hot people.
HeavenOrHell Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 To my partner it means being emotionally close/bonded to his partner, sex isn't the most important thing in a r/ship to him, it's part of a loving r/ship. He doesn't want r/ships or sex without emotion, does nothing for him, tried it and it wasn't for him. If I were just into a sexual r/ship, he wouldn't be happy. What does 'having a relationship' mean to a guy? I ask because I get the impression guys think that regular sex is a relationship. That all else is irrelevant, the emotional side is more of a nuisance to them than anything, and when they say they are seeking a relationship they just mean regular sex within minimal emotional involvement. What do you think?
HeavenOrHell Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I don't agree that men are not emotional about sex like women are. Some men are as emotional about sex as women are, and some women aren't as emotional about sex as some women/men are. you're just finding bad men and/or using sex in the wrong way. to me, the whole point of relationships is to be comfortable and trusting with the person you've got. as long as it's good and we're compatible sexually it becomes a lesser concern, really, sort of a given that goes along with the other positive things about the relationship. men are not emotional about sex like women are, you will not catch a man with sex alone unless it's abnormally amazing and you just happen to be 100% compatible otherwise.
HeavenOrHell Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Online isn't useless for everyone, depends where you look and the sort of interests you have. I met the most wonderful person online. It can be useful for people who don't like doing the average social stuff like pubbing or clubbing, and for people who are shy. Nope, they arent. Online is useless after you learn how to talk to people in person. Its SOO much easier and faster to deal with, and filter people in person than it is online. From what I heard, online consists of people who need validation, and people who dont know how to-and are afraid to approach someone in person. All your horny guys who havent gotten laid in a while slip to the bottom of that pool. Anyone who isnt a creep online climbs out pretty easily...and youre left with...well yknow. Anyone who is looking for something real is caught in the crossfire.
carhill Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 My data point is: A relationship is a dynamic where a man feels like everyone knows his name, the doors are always open and he's always welcomed. A relationship inspires him; it's energy, impetus and a dynamic he feels successful with. A relationship nurtures him; it's a kind word, an extended hand, a loving embrace, a place he feels safe. A relationship challenges him; it gives him new perspective, new ideas, new creativity to consider. A relationship allows him to be closer and more elementally bonded to another human being in every meaningful way than he can be with any other human in any other part of his life. Good luck in your search.
April72 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 My daughter is 20 and at a place in her life where she is ready to meet someone and havea steady relationship. But her dating range is 20-24. And she can't get past guys that on the first or second date want to disucss sex. She says if they don't want to get to me and all they are concerned about is if I'm a virgin etc... I'm not intereseted. I figure at that age she's gonna have a hard time finding a guy that sex isn't on the very front of the brain constantly... but I also don't want her to lower her standard.
carhill Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Typical men in that age range view relationships as having a consistent companion he can count on having sex with. The brain isn't yet done forming. For some, it never fully forms The odds are much higher that such a man will approach your daughter; sex (his libido, the primitive drive to spawn, unrestrained by a fully formed brain) impels him to do this. Beyond that, for nearly every man, sexual attraction overwhelmingly is why they take the risk of approaching an unknown woman. There's really no other reason. A more mature man has more complex and synergistic relationship needs and goals; yes, sexual attraction will impel his approach but it will be only a small part of the interactions. Something for your daughter to consider is reflecting upon the last man who wanted to 'get to know her' without blatantly being sexual. How did that go? If that's never happened, then suggest she find different venues to meet men. Relationship-minded men are out there, at any age. One needs only to recognize them and, most importantly, see that quality as an *attractive* quality. That last part is the hardest part, IME.
Author spiderowl Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Thanks for your advice. Guys can see mature but then when you meet you get the feeling they really hadn't thought beyond meeting. I can understand not having any expectations but not considering the possibilities beyond a hopeful night in the sack?
thatone Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Thanks for your advice. Guys can see mature but then when you meet you get the feeling they really hadn't thought beyond meeting. I can understand not having any expectations but not considering the possibilities beyond a hopeful night in the sack? men have bad experiences and put up walls just like women do. i can use myself as an example. after a string of really terrible women i met one that isn't, there is really nothing wrong with her at all. we're compatible, like minded, considerate/accommodating to each other, all of those positive things, and the attraction at this point is mutual. but those thoughts still creep in when something doesn't go exactly right, i can't help but think about a similar situation with a bad woman that ended badly. eventually the rationality that any normal man's mind has takes over and i put such thoughts out of my head, but they are there. if i were not able to put those thoughts out of my head, my desire for sex would not be trumped by the distrust of women in general, so i would still approach women and date for the purpose of sex, but i wouldn't trust any of them or volunteer anything more than was required to get sex, generally. that's why recent breakups/divorces, 'rebounds', are a red flag for anyone looking for relationship material.
grkBoy Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 To me it's when you have no interest in finding anyone else. When you think highly of this person not just for sex but all the emotional things. When you could fathom putting a ring on her finger.
Recommended Posts