looking for some spiritual/psychic type input. strange yes.

[flitzanu]

i can't really explain this properly, so if it doesn't really make sense, then sadly you may not be able to help.

 

also, this is not about "holding onto emotion that isn't there" or using any type of method available to try maintaining some type of connection.

 

matter of fact, i'm looking for the opposite.

 

after a year of blaming myself for failures and torturing myself about all i should have done, i've finished the wallowing. but the problem is, i'm still the one blamed for everything, and i don't exactly know what i'm blamed for.

 

sure, the typical guy stuff about i was never there when she needed me, emotionally limited at times, etc. but the problem is, since day one of the breakup, i've more or less been treated like i murdered her family, burned down her house, and later kicked her dog just for smiles. you know what i mean? like, i could be the absolute WORST person in the world to her, and it really isn't justified, and that's not what bothers me directly.

 

well, yes, it is bothersome because there is some unknown reason why she holds so much anger and contempt toward me for things she will never just openly express, but for me, the ANGER is the problem i need help with.

 

i try to be openly sensitive and spiritual, and i'm USUALLY empathetic with people, i notice moods, that type of thing. not exactly "psychic" per se, but at least a bit "emotionally psychic". (ironic that i didn't figure out the emotions with the gf eh?). and with that...i cannot get rid of that tiny hook that is still dug into my gut from this girl. it isn't oppressive or painful, but the tiniest sliver of this dark, powerful emotion still creeps up on me and sometimes clouds my mind and makes me cynical.

 

i don't want her to apologize, i don't want to confront her, i don't even want to speak to her. nothing from my lips will ever get the truth from her, and nothing will gain her apology or "forgiveness". however, i need to CUT this emotional string of anger that she has not yet severed, and i'm at a loss as to how i can truly escape it on my own.

 

yes, through all breakups i've made sure that all anger is subsided and controlled, and only one other person i've had to go back to because there was something from her i was feeling.

 

the one in the past happened to be Wiccan, and had some charms in place to help keep me close, and destroyed them at my request to free me from those ties.

 

now, this one is not Wiccan, she's just an angry little girl. yeah, i can focus on forgetting the anger, but that doesn't make it completely go away unfortunately.

 

now that i've talked in circles...who's first?

[Almond_Joy]

This is interesting. Never seen this type of situation described. My impression is that you're saying you don't have or desire a connection with her as an individual, but that there is something about the.....dynamic between the two of you that still evokes strong negative emotion in you. And you want to pinpoint the source of that so that you can stop feeling that. Is that right?

 

If so, the issue doesn't sound spiritual. It sounds like you're just angry that you've had to spend so much time and energy letting go of the image of yourself she projected on you during the relationship. A year is a lot of time to spend working toward resolution, especially when you will yourself to subdue your anger. I can relate - I'm a master of anger suppression and/or deflection lol.

 

If you still think the issue is spiritual...then the solution to your problem would be within the framework of whatever beliefs you live your life on, from a spiritual perspective. Hope that makes sense....

 

Either way, you're right - this doesn't have anything to do with the girl you were involved with. Best of luck to you.

[flitzanu]

So, if she is your ex, why would you care what she thinks of you?

 

Valid question, but misunderstood. It's not a matter of what she thinks. It's a matter of the negative anger she projects on me. It's oppressive. An ex should be indifferent, not angry.

[flitzanu]

This is interesting. Never seen this type of situation described. My impression is that you're saying you don't have or desire a connection with her as an individual, but that there is something about the.....dynamic between the two of you that still evokes strong negative emotion in you. And you want to pinpoint the source of that so that you can stop feeling that. Is that right?

 

If so, the issue doesn't sound spiritual. It sounds like you're just angry that you've had to spend so much time and energy letting go of the image of yourself she projected on you during the relationship. A year is a lot of time to spend working toward resolution, especially when you will yourself to subdue your anger. I can relate - I'm a master of anger suppression and/or deflection lol.

 

If you still think the issue is spiritual...then the solution to your problem would be within the framework of whatever beliefs you live your life on, from a spiritual perspective. Hope that makes sense....

 

Either way, you're right - this doesn't have anything to do with the girl you were involved with. Best of luck to you.

 

I think you get what I'm saying but...it's not really my anger that's the problem, it's hers. Mine is more confusion and frustration over what in the hell she feels the need to be so angry about. But as you said, the "dynamic" is what this is about. When people connect on a deeper energetic level, there are stronger impressions made, and it is on that level that this tiny "thread" of anger from her is still "sewn" into me. The last time I saw her in person was explosive, she yelled and screamed incessantly an inch from my face before being dragged away by some guy.

 

Now, her unresolved issues are not my problem. However, I NEED indifference, especially after this long. I don't want her cloud of anger hovering over my soul because it's oppressive and dangerous.

[chuzzbug]

an ex should be indifferent, not angry.

 

There is your #1 problem, my friend.

 

You are prescribing a state onto your ex. One that you would understand, one that fits into your view of the world, and one that, from your perspective now, might be easier to deal with.

 

Unfortunately people do not fit into our prescriptive views. You cannot say what your ex 'should be', but only what she 'is'. Whether she is what you want her to be, what you feel she should be, or what other people are, does not change what she is.

 

As soon as you square your view with the reality that confronts you, you'll be able to deal with it in a constructive and effective way.

 

You cannot let the emotions of others stand as a hurdle to your own progress.

[flitzanu]

There is your #1 problem, my friend.

 

You are prescribing a state onto your ex. One that you would understand, one that fits into your view of the world, and one that, from your perspective now, might be easier to deal with.

 

Unfortunately people do not fit into our prescriptive views. You cannot say what your ex 'should be', but only what she 'is'. Whether she is what you want her to be, what you feel she should be, or what other people are, does not change what she is.

 

As soon as you square your view with the reality that confronts you, you'll be able to deal with it in a constructive and effective way.

 

You cannot let the emotions of others stand as a hurdle to your own progress.

 

 

we may have different perceptions on emotion.

 

the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference. when a girl is done, they've checked out and turned off every emotion. they simply don't care, and they don't feel a thing about anything you do.

 

right?

 

i'm sure 98% of posters can tell you how they hurt so badly seeing their recent ex just "shut off" and turn robotic and cold, and how no emotions ever come out of them.

 

that's because those exes are indifferent. they truly don't care what the dumpee does or says, bc they've cut their ties.

 

you follow?

 

now, this dumper of mine drug me through the coals and eventually how she doesn't love me, could care less if i'm alive, blah blah. now, for that to be true, for me to truly be non-existent...she would need to be indifferent.

 

showing anger does not show indifference, it shows strong emotion.

[chuzzbug]

we may have different perceptions on emotion.

 

the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference.

 

I follow what you are saying. You are still very present in her life, but in a negative way. There are many states into which relationship, after their end, can turn, including

 

- in one's life, loving

- in one's life, hating

- in one's memories, loving

- in one's memories, hating

- not in one's life, indifferent

 

The last one takes time, reflection and, well, *a lot* of time. You cannot expect that the strong emotions of love and attachment immediately turn into indifference. Some may describe this as their situation, but that is *their* situtation. Yours is different.

 

I still cannot help but wonder why you care so much about what she feels about you. Beyond the pain and discomfort we feel naturally when someone we love (or perhaps just know) actively does not like us (and perhaps wishes us harm), you *absolutely positively* need to place yourself in the center of your emotional context, and keep her at a distant periphery.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but it also sounds like you may be masquerading your continued attachment to her as some long-distant and rare physical sensitivity to her emotional state. Her ongoing ill-will towards you is likely a sign of attachment to you. Neither yours nor hers is positive and likely to make you both more miserable.

 

Look, we all have our illusions, delusions and ways to explain what we feel, see and experience. The closer these are to reality, the more objective and fact-based, the faster we can get to work in dealing with the issue. Because it is tangible and real.

 

She may have loved you differently than others, and dumped you differently than others. It is a statement about her, not you.

[giuliano-3]

Look, we all have our illusions, delusions and ways to explain what we feel, see and experience. The closer these are to reality, the more objective and fact-based, the faster we can get to work in dealing with the issue. Because it is tangible and real.

 

She may have loved you differently than others, and dumped you differently than others. It is a statement about her, not you.

 

Solid!

 

I wonder why I still care about what my ex thinks of me, what lies she may have told her friends and/or mom, what thoughts creep into her mind late at night (if any at all). Its hard to seperate the things we feel we need and things we actually need in order to move on.

 

I wonder why I'm still seething with animosity at times over why she did what she did, how I let myself get fooled for so long, and most importantly why I let her enter my life again to walk all over me one more time.

 

It pisses me off that her friends and family would just take her back and accept her after what she did, but what else are they gonna do? Blacklist her because of wronging me? Treat her like the filthy, worthless whore she actually is? Of course not.

 

As many times as I've said "F it, I'm so much better off now - getting her out of my life is one of the luckiest things to ever happen" I always come back to "I wonder if she still thinks about me." Why do we still care?!?!?! We shouldn't give a damn whether they hold anger or not, love or not, indifference or not. So why do we?

 

The bottom line is, we chose to be with someone we shouldn't have. We had ample opportunities to end things the right way, but because of our own ineptitude we didn't. At the time we told ourselves things like "I can't dump her, where would she go," or "but I want this relationship to work." We rationalized a decision we knew deep down was wrong. We can't be mad at her for doing it the way she did it, because we had the opportunity to end it a different way.

[Almond_Joy]

Now, her unresolved issues are not my problem. However, I NEED indifference, especially after this long. I don't want her cloud of anger hovering over my soul because it's oppressive and dangerous.

 

 

You're right - all of her anger may not be directed at you personally, but that doesn't mean you're not affected by all of her anger. You mentioned you are empathetic and emotionally receptive. That's a naturally occuring disposition for you, so it's not something you can "turn off". If her presence is in your life at all - whether it be physically or mentally (i.e. memories or reviewing the relationship), her anger and hostility is going to infiltrate, and disrupt your normal emotional composure.

 

If you feel you have learned all you can from your relationship with her, then remove her presence from your life physically and mentally, with finality. There's no need to keep thinking about her, and thereby reestablishing opportunities for you to be affected by the residual negative energy she left behind. Hopefully, you never again encounter anyone in your life with this kind of anger and hostility. However, if you are concerned about being vulnerable or strongly affected by intense emotional energy, then look for resources on how you can protect yourself from the effects that intense emotions have on you.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited July 26, 2011 by Almond_Joy

[KathyM]

i can't really explain this properly, so if it doesn't really make sense, then sadly you may not be able to help.

 

also, this is not about "holding onto emotion that isn't there" or using any type of method available to try maintaining some type of connection.

 

matter of fact, i'm looking for the opposite.

 

after a year of blaming myself for failures and torturing myself about all i should have done, i've finished the wallowing. but the problem is, i'm still the one blamed for everything, and i don't exactly know what i'm blamed for.

 

sure, the typical guy stuff about i was never there when she needed me, emotionally limited at times, etc. but the problem is, since day one of the breakup, i've more or less been treated like i murdered her family, burned down her house, and later kicked her dog just for smiles. you know what i mean? like, i could be the absolute WORST person in the world to her, and it really isn't justified, and that's not what bothers me directly.

 

well, yes, it is bothersome because there is some unknown reason why she holds so much anger and contempt toward me for things she will never just openly express, but for me, the ANGER is the problem i need help with.

 

i try to be openly sensitive and spiritual, and i'm USUALLY empathetic with people, i notice moods, that type of thing. not exactly "psychic" per se, but at least a bit "emotionally psychic". (ironic that i didn't figure out the emotions with the gf eh?). and with that...i cannot get rid of that tiny hook that is still dug into my gut from this girl. it isn't oppressive or painful, but the tiniest sliver of this dark, powerful emotion still creeps up on me and sometimes clouds my mind and makes me cynical.

 

i don't want her to apologize, i don't want to confront her, i don't even want to speak to her. nothing from my lips will ever get the truth from her, and nothing will gain her apology or "forgiveness". however, i need to CUT this emotional string of anger that she has not yet severed, and i'm at a loss as to how i can truly escape it on my own.

 

yes, through all breakups i've made sure that all anger is subsided and controlled, and only one other person i've had to go back to because there was something from her i was feeling.

 

the one in the past happened to be Wiccan, and had some charms in place to help keep me close, and destroyed them at my request to free me from those ties.

 

now, this one is not Wiccan, she's just an angry little girl. yeah, i can focus on forgetting the anger, but that doesn't make it completely go away unfortunately.

 

now that i've talked in circles...who's first?

Don't contact the girl. Don't dwell on what she's saying to her friends and relatives about you. You can't control that. She is trying to justify to herself and to others that she was right in leaving you. That's why she is making you out to be the bad guy. Maybe some of what she says is true, maybe most or all is exaggerated or false. Nothing you can do about that. The sooner you let it go and let her to wallow in her negativity, the better. And I would suggest getting involved with some quality, emotionally heathy, normal women. You'll have better luck with them, and they won't flip out on you, and do weird stuff to you.

[flitzanu]

thanks again everyone for the responses, a couple of you are tuning into what i'm getting at. it's complex, but not in an "omg i'm so complex no one gets me wahhh" way. she's the one that answers to her karma, not me, so whatever is being said about me...that's on her.

 

the area of negativity that i'm speaking of is...

 

1. publicly posting pictures of laughing and burning photos (presumably of me, that can't be confirmed...but likely)

 

2. showing up to an event she previously had no knowledge or interest of before me...and showing up WITH a new guy. i politely asked why she was there and why she came...and she then yelled at two of my female friends, then proceeded to scream in my face (an inch from my face, yes) all the while lying about the boyfriend standing right behind her. she yelled to the point of him grabbing her arm and physically dragging her away while still yelling at me (while i'm dumbfounded at the palpable animosity and anger).

 

3. taking a (public) photo of me from my fb page (no we are not friended) and submitting it to failblog.com (org? whatever) to the "worst tattoos" section in june...for no apparent reason?

 

we've literally not spoken politely since...mid march. two texts about one of my parents being ill, that's it. NC since then, and yet all the while i'm getting unprovoked vicious anger and attacks? that's a powerful emotion, and that type of negativity REALLY sticks to one's soul. doesnt' matter how near or far, or whether we speak or not. it's a black blemish that i need to wipe clean. things like this won't go away by forgetting or ignoring.

 

then again...not everyone may follow the same philosophical or spiritual path that i do, and thus it may not make quite the same sense.

 

though i know you all are trying to see it, and i truly appreciate it

[KathyM]

thanks again everyone for the responses, a couple of you are tuning into what i'm getting at. it's complex, but not in an "omg i'm so complex no one gets me wahhh" way. she's the one that answers to her karma, not me, so whatever is being said about me...that's on her.

 

the area of negativity that i'm speaking of is...

 

1. publicly posting pictures of laughing and burning photos (presumably of me, that can't be confirmed...but likely)

 

2. showing up to an event she previously had no knowledge or interest of before me...and showing up WITH a new guy. i politely asked why she was there and why she came...and she then yelled at two of my female friends, then proceeded to scream in my face (an inch from my face, yes) all the while lying about the boyfriend standing right behind her. she yelled to the point of him grabbing her arm and physically dragging her away while still yelling at me (while i'm dumbfounded at the palpable animosity and anger).

 

3. taking a (public) photo of me from my fb page (no we are not friended) and submitting it to failblog.com (org? whatever) to the "worst tattoos" section in june...for no apparent reason?

 

we've literally not spoken politely since...mid march. two texts about one of my parents being ill, that's it. NC since then, and yet all the while i'm getting unprovoked vicious anger and attacks? that's a powerful emotion, and that type of negativity REALLY sticks to one's soul. doesnt' matter how near or far, or whether we speak or not. it's a black blemish that i need to wipe clean. things like this won't go away by forgetting or ignoring.

 

then again...not everyone may follow the same philosophical or spiritual path that i do, and thus it may not make quite the same sense.

 

though i know you all are trying to see it, and i truly appreciate it

Just stay away from her. Don't check her fb page or try to find out any information about her or what she's doing. If she is harrassing you in a public place or crossing the line in some other illegal way that could be considered harrassing, you may want to consider filing a restraining order against her. But stay away from her. Don't make yourself a target.

[giuliano-3]

that type of negativity REALLY sticks to one's soul. doesnt' matter how near or far, or whether we speak or not. it's a black blemish that i need to wipe clean. things like this won't go away by forgetting or ignoring.

 

then again...not everyone may follow the same philosophical or spiritual path that i do, and thus it may not make quite the same sense.

 

though i know you all are trying to see it, and i truly appreciate it

 

I don't know, bro. Sounds like some black magic **** to me. Unless there's some spell to chant, I think there's no real way to erase a feeling someone else is holding onto. Sounds like this girl enjoys her drama, probably wanted to start a fight between you and her new dude. Way to not bite the bait.

[flitzanu]

I don't know, bro. Sounds like some black magic **** to me. Unless there's some spell to chant, I think there's no real way to erase a feeling someone else is holding onto. Sounds like this girl enjoys her drama, probably wanted to start a fight between you and her new dude. Way to not bite the bait.

 

thanks for understanding bro