Paige1377 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 So my ex fiancee and I broke up a month ago after being together six years and we also have an 11 month old. The break up was me being depressed, and him withdrawing and my suffocating him. I had trust issues with him cheating. Anyways, he let us leave Texas and we went to Iowa to be with my family. My ex is a very controlling person, he controlled my life for six years and since the split I have been majorly bipolar bc I love him still. I am upset that he kicked us out bc we had a life planned together and he said he just couldn't fight with me anymore and that he didn't love me anymore. So fast forward a month, my ex comes to visiting daughter and since the split I have tried to respect his space and have had some crazy moments, two, however I am keeping it cool for my daughter. He comes up, wants to discuss arrangements for seeing his daughter, wants to do dinner and has me come over to share a drink with him. He said he knows I still love him and want our family and he said that he thinks everyday about letting us come home but he doesn't want to fight anymore. I am obsessed though, he's all I think about, talk about. My family and friends are so done they are suggesting I do therapy bc of him. Plus, since we are so far apart my ex wants me to move to a place where we can meet in the middle for my daughter. It's only fair he sees her, but I think he keeps saying stuff about reconciliation just to give me hope so I will indeed move and make it easier for him. He says he's upfront and that he doesn't want me right now, that we have a lot of issues to work on before we could get back together. It's like whenever I see him I am under his spell. He knows if I move closer I would probably wait for him, but he's told me he never asked me to wait. He is just so wushu washy and I obsess over it. Sometimes he is hot and cold. When I saw him the first day I was cold. He told me the next day if we were ever to get back together that's not a very good way to start it, but he doesn't give me an answer when we could work it out. I am just in limbo, I blocked his number set it up where we have email only communication and an emergency number bc e lawyer said that's fine and I feel right now my phone is scary, lol. I am trying to move on hearing his voice doesn't help. Honestly, he's done some bad stuff to me over the years, but I feel if we did counseling and got common ground we could make it work. I am just worried that if I move he will deny me again, and its great he wants his daughter, but if I stay put I will be able to move on. If I move closer its gonna be harder to move on bc that we used to live in that city for four years together. Now the move would also be for a better job and if we do custody less traveling. Just don't understand it, and I am not sure moving is the best course bc I can't tell what he wants and I am personally tired of waiting for him. I gave him six years and a daughter, I feel I deserve something. What do you think?
ScienceGal Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 My ex is a very controlling person My family and friends are so done they are suggesting I do therapy bc of him. He says he's upfront and that he doesn't want me right now Honestly, he's done some bad stuff to me over the years, I cut the previous statements from your message. What does it sound like when you read between the lines? To me, it sounds like a bad situation to allow yourself to be in. As a whole, your entire message sounds like you have a strong desire for family and want to keep the relationship together based upon the time already invested and for your daughter. When you think about it though, do you really miss HIM, or the man and father that you *wish* he could be? Do you just miss him because he completes the idea of a family? Counseling could help, but it doesn't help everyone. And, he would have to be willing. You could begin counseling alone and maybe learn some things about yourself. In the end, I hope you make the best choice for you and your daughter. It is certainly not an easy situation and my heart goes out to you. Best of luck
Author Paige1377 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 Yes, I want our family and he definitely knows that. I have thought about it and yes I want him bc he is the father of my child and that does complete the family, however since the split I see the bad but also a lot of his good. For example, he let me stay home with my daughter while he supported us. I never appreciated it bc I was wanting some freedom from the house, but things like that make me appreciate him. If we had been able to work it out he was about to get a promotion that would make it so I could go back to school. Little things he did like that, making it easier for me and our family. It's hard bc I always found him attractive, but he lost attraction to me bc of my attitude and my weight after having the baby. Since the split I have dropped weight like crazy, but even when he saw me he noticed but said nothing. After this weekend, I told him I had to move on, and asked all conversations only be about the baby. Since the split he has been pretty good about keeping it about business, but with seeing me he's the one discussing us being together. All I know is I want to be able to take care of my daughter and he is a distraction right now. My worst fear is that he will be happier without me and okay with carting our daughter back and forth between parents. I thought with how long we have been together and all the issues we have fixed before, surely we could fix this, especially sincere have our child together. He rarely shows emotions either and that doesn't help me understand this. A couple weeks ago he told me he was happy, but when he asked me for a drink....we discussed a lot of things....it seemed like he wanted me there and didn't want me to leave. My thing is, he's so hit and cold just like me, I wonder if he is confused like me. I want our family, but also think it will require a lot of work to be able to get there and I don't know if he wants to put the effort. What do you guys think? Btw, I am obsessing now bad....see why I need therapy?
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