blueeyes11 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I probably just did something stupid, I was on facebook and I typed in my exmm's wife and I saw a picture of the happy family, daughter in the middle, probably celebrating the daughters 21st birthday. I know he went down south to celebrate it because he asked me to feed his cats. Yes I did feed them. We are broke up, but its been a friendlish break up thus far. I posted 3 weeks ago originally when I found out his wife will be retiring this fall and she wanted to move up here after them living apart for 5 yrs which brought the wrecking ball to our relationship. Anyhow...seeing that picture hurt. I have to cut off my desire to want to want to be with him and to want him to want to be with me. How do you do it? Anyone with experience putting the past behind you? Tomorrow after 3 wks of not seeing him I plan to come get the last of my things. I am afraid of seeing him. I am afraid I will lose it. I cried just kissing the cat good bye.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I think trying to be friends and not going stict no contact is keeping you hanging on. NC is for your peace of mind. in order for you to get through the grieving process you have to make a clean break. It doesn't seem that you've done that on a subconscious level at least.
MissBee Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 The passing of time and the conscious effort to sever those connections is what does the trick. There is no overnight miracle. All break ups, disappointments, trauma etc take time to heal from. Being his "friend" is a sure way to continue the pain. It seems scary and harsh but cutting that person off and not having them in your life helps A LOT with your healing. That's the first step. It's normal to wish and hope that they see things your way and return.....my remedy for that is believing that all things that should be. If it is/was meant to be then he would make every conscious effort and things would align....if that is not happening it's not meant to be. Leaving him behind and living your own life is a win-win. He'll find you if it meant to be, and if not, you have moved on and re living a happy life without him. Don't allow him to be the source of your happiness. Cut him off. You deserve better. Define some short and long term goals for yourself and get busy achieving them Fake it til you make it. The more you do YOU, and the more time passes, the more you get over it and find that you can have a terrific life.
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 When he gets back, hand him the keys to his house and say goodbye, walk away and don't look back. Then, call a good friend and go stay with her for a few days so you won't be alone.
Glinda Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Did I read that correctly? You saw a photograph of him and his wife posing happily and you still want him? SMH. You do know that most women would be turned off by that don't you?
heartinlove Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Dont focus on the picture. Things are never what they seem. Obviously it wasn't if he had a 5 year affair with you. I read your original post. The fact that you are keeping this friendlyish will only prolong your pain. You should cut it off. What he did was heartless towards you. He may not have meant it to be, but he is choosing his retirement over love after 5 years of living mostly with you. It doesn't sound like he is waffling. He made a choice. He had a long relationship with you that filled his time while he was away from his wife. He never thought of the impact on you, and I believed he knew all along he would choose his marriage. The fact that he would even think of moving his wife into the house you shared, and the town you lived in with him is what makes me think hes heartless. I didn't hear any of his thinking about how this would impact you in your telling of the story. Nor did I hear him offering to move somewhere else given he is choosing his marriage. Its not so much that he is choosing his marriage that I find lacking heart but how he is doing it. Maybe there is more to the story than that. Do things that make you happy, that nourish your spirit so you can move forward.
TurboGirl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 It will take some time to get over this. Wondering, why didn't you just get your stuff when you went to feed the cat? That way you won't have to see him again. D*** that is one spineless lying sob you had there. Notice how he chucked you under the bus when wifey decided she wanted to come and live there? Without a thought to you and your way of life? I would have told him to find a petsitter to watch the cat. He certainly knows how to play you. This guy is NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!!
Author blueeyes11 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 I know I shouldn't have fed the cats, I felt a bit like a doormat, but I love the cats, I am the reason he has them and I didn't want them to suffer. My golf clubs were in his trunk, I did get my personal belongings over the weekend other than that. I am feeling anger after seeing that picture because it seems like he is leaving this relationshsip unscathed. Its so unfair. I want him to feel loss in losing me and that picture sure did not look like it!
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 What I don't get though is, how the heck does he think he can move her into the house when he's been with you all this time? Won't the neighbours, people in area KNOW he's been cheating on her with you? Unless his plan is, to move back to where she lives..?
Silly_Girl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Did I read that correctly? You saw a photograph of him and his wife posing happily and you still want him? SMH. You do know that most women would be turned off by that don't you? You do know that most women would find it a painful, emotionally provocative experience to see the man they love with someone else don't you?
Silly_Girl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I know I shouldn't have fed the cats, I felt a bit like a doormat, but I love the cats, I am the reason he has them and I didn't want them to suffer. My golf clubs were in his trunk, I did get my personal belongings over the weekend other than that. I am feeling anger after seeing that picture because it seems like he is leaving this relationshsip unscathed. Its so unfair. I want him to feel loss in losing me and that picture sure did not look like it! Look, don't be berating yourself about the cats, it was a nice thing to do. Most people, even in crappy circumstances where things aren't amicable, want to be polite and reasonable and friendly. It just isn't always possible and (not just affairs) can end up being nostalgic and comfy and oops! it's all started up again. Seeing the picture would hurt. It's factually nothing new but that reality is not welcome. Regarding him missing you.... He may well be cut up inside, men are GREAT at compartmentalising. He could be feeling dead inside and just going through the motions. It happens. But even if he IS missing you, the facts are the facts. I think you're doing great!
bentnotbroken Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Dont focus on the picture. Things are never what they seem. Obviously it wasn't if he had a 5 year affair with you. I read your original post. The fact that you are keeping this friendlyish will only prolong your pain. You should cut it off. What he did was heartless towards you. He may not have meant it to be, but he is choosing his retirement over love after 5 years of living mostly with you. It doesn't sound like he is waffling. He made a choice. He had a long relationship with you that filled his time while he was away from his wife. He never thought of the impact on you, and I believed he knew all along he would choose his marriage. The fact that he would even think of moving his wife into the house you shared, and the town you lived in with him is what makes me think hes heartless. I didn't hear any of his thinking about how this would impact you in your telling of the story. Nor did I hear him offering to move somewhere else given he is choosing his marriage. Its not so much that he is choosing his marriage that I find lacking heart but how he is doing it. Maybe there is more to the story than that. Do things that make you happy, that nourish your spirit so you can move forward. Hell why find that particular act heartless. He didn't have a heart when he engaged in a five year affair. He had no heart when he lied to his family. He had no heart when he played house with someone he wasn't married. Unless he is the Grinch I wouldn't expect him to grow one anytime soon.
heartinlove Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Hell why find that particular act heartless. He didn't have a heart when he engaged in a five year affair. He had no heart when he lied to his family. He had no heart when he played house with someone he wasn't married. Unless he is the Grinch I wouldn't expect him to grow one anytime soon. You have a good point there.
TurboGirl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Blueeyes, I am glad that you are getting angry now! Hold that thought. He is "unscathed" because because many men just want a woman around. He had the wifey at his hometown and you in your town... and now wifey is coming so he still has a woman. This should clue you in on what a cold hearted SOB he is. Did that to the wife for years on the side with you... and now, well, you are inconvenient and wife is more convenient. It is all about convenience. You are going to be ok... but please don't see him AT ALL. Cut the ties, no "friendship" (that is a bunch of BS) because it leaves the door open for him to call you and say, Wife is out of town... want to get together? NOOOOO. You are so much better than that. Anyone who would do this is not your friend. Leave him to his wife.
alexandria35 Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 What I don't get though is, how the heck does he think he can move her into the house when he's been with you all this time? Won't the neighbours, people in area KNOW he's been cheating on her with you? Unless his plan is, to move back to where she lives..? I've been wondering this too. How is he going to pull this off? How does he figure he can have his wife suddenly appear when everyone knows that you and he were a couple? His wife is going to find out.
Heart On Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 (edited) I know I shouldn't have fed the cats, I felt a bit like a doormat, but I love the cats, I am the reason he has them and I didn't want them to suffer. My golf clubs were in his trunk, I did get my personal belongings over the weekend other than that. I am feeling anger after seeing that picture because it seems like he is leaving this relationshsip unscathed. Its so unfair. I want him to feel loss in losing me and that picture sure did not look like it! He is leaving it unscathed.It was just a "game" to him and he's not going to lose! I've done the same thing.Facebook is not reality,it's an image they portray. And his wife is smiling because she has no clue who she is truly married to. Sad but true,unless we hold them accountable,they get away with it all and go on at our expense(not to mention thier wives expenses) as long as thier wives are blissfully ignorant to us.Just the nature of the beast, as we knew they were married,what could we really expect? Truth? Honesty? A happy ending? From a known liar? Now that's delusional on our parts. I am sorry you are hurting.I can tell you that back when it was obvious he wasn't going to follow thru with what he started with me and (admitted to having f*cked me over),and after I had left my H for him,I had two options....stay and out him and make him pay for the damage he caused me and my life,or move FAR away and chalk it up to having loved a fraud of a 'human' being and feel DAMN lucky I wasn't his wife or stuck with him and is issues! I chose the later. Time heals is all I know.There were days I laid in a fetal postion and wept in humilation,disgust and shame for having trusted someone so shallow and heartless. Today,I look at his "happy" facebook photos and think....what a con artist. Hang in there.........it does get easier...but I don't think we ever truly trust ourselves and our judgement the same as we did before these MM's played us for fools in love with them. The thing is,they exploited our love and trust and the fact that they are married and going on with thier lives as though they are entitled to do so says ALOT about thier lack of Character. The real question is,how did we miss the red flags and when we did see them,why did we stay? http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/07/25/what-is-love-fraud/ Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths Edited July 26, 2011 by Heart On
So Very Confused Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I am feeling anger after seeing that picture because it seems like he is leaving this relationshsip unscathed. Its so unfair. I want him to feel loss in losing me and that picture sure did not look like it! I get what you are saying. I also feel like I'm the only one in my A who has to pay a penalty. (truthfully, I guess his BW has to pay as well) I'm trying to motivate myself to go NC by getting angry so I made a list of all the ways I've had to "pay" (financial, mental, time, physical, moral, emotional) for this A and all the ways he's had to "pay". I couldn't think of a single thing for his list with the exception of a few dinners and lunches. Initially I was mad at him for being unscathed but really I'm mad at me for allowing it to happen. I think you should avoid seeing him when he gets back. Leave the key under the mat or mail it back to him. The picture on FB was not reality so just forget it. I wish I could say he's suffering as much as you are but in my heart I don't believe that is true. He's eating his cake just like the rest of them. (This is my first A and I'm not out of it yet, but I know from other heartbreaks that time heals a lot and so does staying busy and doing whatever makes you feel better about you.)
Author blueeyes11 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 You guys are great! Truelly so much help. To answer the question why is she moving up here, he is still working here and she is going to be retiring 7 yrs early so that is why she is going to sell the house down south and move here. I don't want to name states on here. The daughter is in her senior year of college and has her own apartment and will stay down south. I do think she will find out if she comes here. I told him I will tell her myself if he brings her to this house or town. He works an hour away and he better sell that house before she comes and move out of my town. I will not go running into her or them in my town. That is non negotiable. He is going to take quite the loss selling right now, I don't really care. He left me under the impression they lived seperate lives for all this time and now its all ok for her to come live with him again and be one big happy couple. I think someone earlier made a good point, he wanted a woman in his life and he was alone here and since he has been here I have been the focus in his life. He really does not have a lot of friends here because he spent all of his time with me and socialized mostly with the neighbors who also are "our" friends. Its totally bizarre. He really does have 2 lives or did have. I know I cannot maintain a friends relationship with him. I do have to leave him behind completely or it will screw with my emotions. No more cat feeding favors. I will get the last of my things this week and it will be done. I will post after I have done it and let you all know how it went. I really appreciate this board more than you can imagine.
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