Dionysus Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Well,, staying with H, I would be around my son all the time (+), I would be in a situation where I love the place I live (+), my son would have mum&dad together (+), I would never feel comfortable again at H's family functions(-), I am not sure our sex life would ever be fulfilling (-), thoughts about what might have been with OM(-), H would have to change to keep me around, I would have to try to get over abuses from the past, it would be time consuming with the potential to waste time. Divorcing H and continuing relationship with OM, I would not get to be around my son all the time (-), I would be closer to my family (+) in a town I am comfortable in, my son would have to travel back and forth to visit mum&dad(-) which,, really, could also be a (+) because he would get to spend more time with both sets of grandparents, my sex life would be amazing (+), thoughts about what might have been with H keeping my family together (-), I don't know if the relationship with OM will be lasting (-) Divorcing H and NC with OM, I would not get to be around my son all the time (-), I would be closer to my family (+) in a town I am comfortable in, same things with son traveling back and forth to visit mum&dad (+ & -), no sex life lol (-), thoughts of what might have been with either H or OM (-), having to be in the same town as OM but having to avoid him (-) and I have a feeling he would suck me into his world because he has that power over me, I would be free of a bunch of bull**** (+) Alright. Now, since you aren't a human computer, I wouldn't recommend that you base your overall decision on simple pluses and minuses. But these points that you have brought are important to take into consideration nonetheless. Can you neatly list your husband's positive and negative (in your opinion) qualities? And create another similar list for the OM? We'd be able to easily compare and contrast the two if you did this. Let's focus specifically on your role in both of your relationships. Meaning your H, and your OM. What part do you play in both? How would you describe yourself (the way you act, the way you feel, the way you think, blah blah blah) when you are around each of these two men? It's a big question, so there are a lot of answers to this. How does your OM have "power over you". Is it due to his personal strengths, your personal weaknesses or both? Can you go into more detail on this? What is stopping you from ending the affair, and confessing everything to your husband, exactly? I'm sure that there is more to it then the "lying to protect his feelings" answer I see so often here. As a final bit, pretend that you chose option number trois. That would be the most alien choice for you: a fresh start. Where would you go from there? Lotta little activities for you to do.
Author justagirl1 Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Alright. Now, since you aren't a human computer, I wouldn't recommend that you base your overall decision on simple pluses and minuses. But these points that you have brought are important to take into consideration nonetheless. Can you neatly list your husband's positive and negative (in your opinion) qualities? And create another similar list for the OM? We'd be able to easily compare and contrast the two if you did this. Let's focus specifically on your role in both of your relationships. Meaning your H, and your OM. What part do you play in both? How would you describe yourself (the way you act, the way you feel, the way you think, blah blah blah) when you are around each of these two men? It's a big question, so there are a lot of answers to this. How does your OM have "power over you". Is it due to his personal strengths, your personal weaknesses or both? Can you go into more detail on this? What is stopping you from ending the affair, and confessing everything to your husband, exactly? I'm sure that there is more to it then the "lying to protect his feelings" answer I see so often here. As a final bit, pretend that you chose option number trois. That would be the most alien choice for you: a fresh start. Where would you go from there? Lotta little activities for you to do. H - positives loves me has his **** together - regarding job/habits/routines good looking good conversationalist like minded common interests good sense of humor great father handy as all get out, with cars and around the house H - negatives cynical, very cynical lacks ambition not sexually attracted to him depends on me too much short/small frame/effeminate likes to argue sometimes makes fun of things I take interest in if it's something he isn't into no self esteem OM - positives loves me good looking good conversationalist like minded common interests ambitious tall/protective type great in the bedroom/sexually attracted to him takes charge of situations great sense of humor is great with my son wonderful cuddler OM - negatives alcoholic doesn't have his **** together regarding maintaining sobriety, which could affect the rest of his life regarding job/habits/routine (i would say after a year I would be able to say he has a handle on it but at this point he hasn't been sober for a year) has bouts of depression isn't as outgoing as I am regarding social situations - more introverted role in relationship w/H - I am the strong one, the one who keeps him motivated to do things around the house and in his life. I do all the house stuff for the most part. I keep things on schedule and kept up. I have always been in charge of bills and making sure things get paid. He used to forget. I hope he hasn't had this prob since I've been gone but have no way of knowing. I am his outdoor partner,, we like to camp/hike that sort of thing together. We are more like friends/room mates than lovers. I feel comfortable in the "rut" we are in, to a degree. I mean,, that is the way it has been for 8 years married 9 years together. We kinda' function as a machine. I feel like a cup half full. He picks little arguments and then tries to turn situations around on me to make it seem like I am just defensive which will THEN make me defensive because I find it soooo irritating. Nothing is ever his fault. Everything is always MY fault. role in relationship w/OM - I get to be a bit more submissive. I don't have to take charge of every situation. I can kind of do my own thing and he does his. I help keep him motivated to stay sober, try to anyway. He says he feels lost without me and when I took off at one point when he started drinking at one point he said his life had no purpose/meaning anymore. We keep each other on our toes when it comes to debating things like politics/religion which my H and I are 100% on the same page about,,, whereas with OM we are on opposite ends of the spectrum regarding some things and have amazing conversations with each other as we are both very open minded. I guess you could say we keep each other intellectually stimulated. I feel needed, in a more emotional way with OM,, than in a physical way. I have this desire to help him succeed in life, stay sober, enjoy life the way it should be enjoyed. I like watching my son open his eyes up to the world of "family" and getting to see life through the eyes of a child. His whole family dynamic is comfortable. They like me,, and I like them... As far as OM's "power over me". He's such a strong personality and such a more,, take charge type.. that he pushes me. Like even now,, asking about the divorce,, in a way that makes me feel almost pressured to get it over with. There is no reason to pressure me,, I am working on it. I understand his POV too. He wants to be with me and if H and I are divorcing,, he is ready for me to move on and close that chapter so he doesn't feel like we are involved while my H and I are involved. He has felt very bad/guilty about the whole situation, the way it all happened. He honestly is a good guy and has a good heart. I feel a bit like we have become codependent on each other. He says I am the only woman he has ever loved. He needs help I am there. He needs a shoulder to cry on or a person to talk to about his problems with alcohol,, I am there. I need his love/affection,... a few times when he relapsed he was horrible and I still came running back each time after I said I wouldn't. I know I have the potential to be codependent with him and I have never been that type of person!! I have been used to being the strong one,, with the codependent type H!!! It's a weird role reversal thing almost going on. I don't want him to give up on himself so I don't give up on him. He's had a long history with his addiction and he is, for the first time in his life,, really trying to focus on working on it. He goes to AA meetings regularly and avoids situations where he might feel tempted to drink, etc... As far as "confessing affair to H". There is nothing to confess. He knows everything. I was upfront since the beginning. Even now,, he knows while I have been here that I have spoken to OM a few times. He knows I am in love with OM. He knows I love HIM but I am not in love with him anymore. I told H before it happened that the potential for that to happen was there,, he acted like he didn't care. I told H the night it happened... a few hours afterwards. I was honest at every turn with both men regarding my thoughts/feelings/life. I have been an open book because I think that is fair. People deserve honesty and how else can a person work through something if the people around them don't know what is going on? Honesty has always been very important to me. My family knows the situation. I have openly discussed it with everyone. I have never once lied to H to protect his feelings. I have been honest with him to protect his feelings. I know I have hurt him by my actions,, but he also knows he has hurt me emotionally repeatedly and he takes full blame for it at the end of the day. Examples I can't give you because it is just too personal. choice 3: I am not scared of being alone. Before meeting H I was used to being alone, traveling around, working. I would simply keep working, keep taking care of my son,, keep trying to enjoy life. I know I wouldn't be "looking for someone". I wasn't "looking for someone" when I met H and I wasn't "looking for someone" when I met OM. I would be contacted by OM I KNOW,,, without a doubt. I know he would be trying to get me to hang out,, or visit,, just to talk,, or give him another chance. It would be hard for me to not accept phonecalls,, or to not see him. We have mutual friends and such. He makes me weak in the knees. I think the hardest part of being truly single,, would be maintaining NC with OM. He's an alcoholic,, and quite a good manipulater,, as most of them are. He loves me,, and I bet he would manipulate my feelings to try to keep me around if he thought I wasn't going to be part of his life,, because he loves me so much and honestly feels like he needs me there to help him emotionally. I think,, if I could use one word to describe my situation,, it would be 'trapped'. I feel emotionally trapped. I don't see a way out. Either way, I hurt someone,, and either way,, I hurt myself. The biggest hurt of all by being true to my HEART offers me less time with my son which ultimately affects my heart the most. So,, to stay,,, would be a lie to my emotions,, and my son would be the bandaid. I don't have 100% confidence the marriage could survive at this point. I don't have 100% confidence the relationship with OM would last. The thing that would ruin our relationship would be his drinking,, and I have no control over that. It's like putting your life in someone elses hands to a degree. Here is my heart,, please don't crush it. Which I guess,, is true in every relationship. But,, when it comes to something like that,... how do I know that even if OM didn't want to drink,, didn't want to lose me,, that he wouldn't just drink at some point anyway? I am a mess.
Dionysus Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 (edited) That's a big post JaG. Now, since none of us can make your choice for you, my advice would be to take you time, read over everything that you have written and consider your options carefully. Maybe see some individual counseling if you haven't already, and have an open mind on it. Not very useful, I know. If you want my personal opinion, I'm leaning towards option 3. Both men have hurt you, and I think some time without a love life would be beneficial. Focus on you and your son. My 2¢. Edited July 27, 2011 by Dionysus
manup Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 What did your husband do that was so abusive in the past?
StoneCold Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Be weary about how you see the OM. I think he may just be looking good because its a change from an uninteresting marriage. If you dont want to be with your H thats fine....if you feel liek you want to pursue something else thats fine too.... but I dont see how the OM is all that... You say hes strong but hes an alcoholic....can anyone say oxymoron?. You even said he is dependant on you emotionally because of his addiction and he is somewhat depressed....Sorry but thats not strong....thats a dog's breakfast A strong alcoholic lol.....and polar bears like to enjoy margheritas on the white sand beachs of cancun. I see a very weak man with a girl who wants to turn around the "bad boy"...which is an age old story told more times than the 3 little pigs and a recipe for disaster. I dont say this to indirectly bring your H up....He has his own issues that make you unhappy which are separate from the OM. It looks like you are backed in a situation where you have to decide now because everything is pushed out in the open...either stay or go A) if you are going to leave...leave for you. Dont let the OM be a part of that decision because you could end up going from the frying pan to the 400 degree oven. Remember you only really got a glimpse of this guy...you havent went full hog and thats when you really see it all. B) If you stay you'd have to cut OM loose and pull a rabbit out of your @$$ when it comes to fixing the problems in your marriage.
reboot Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 The only negative you list about OM is that he's an alcoholic. The mere fact that he is that means he has a LOT of other negatives you're simply choosing not to see.
Equinox Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 You have to think about this carefully here... You have an apathethic and abusive husband, and a manipulative alcoholic OM. If think that you need some time alone to rebuild yourself personally.
cheating-husband Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Being alcoholic and depressed are two major factors that are not good in relationships. Alcohol sedate the frontal lobe that impairs judgement and reasoning. Also, it can increase his agrressions so there is a possibility that he will be abusive. Depression is destructive. Both needs professional help so don't think you can change your OM. Its not a good model for your son too.
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