justagirl1 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I might have posted this in the wrong part of the forums,, so I am reposting here. I am new to the community and come with a specific situation and I'm looking for advice. I have been married for almost 8 years. When we met we initially had sparks but were more like best friends. He is a small framed man, my same height, sensitive type. We now have a 2 year old together. The last couple years things have slowly been going downhill in our marriage. Lack of upkeep? I would bring things up that needed to be addressed, and while they were discussed no changes were ever made. I initially gave up my dreams to help him pursue his which he has lacked the ambition to do over the years and I harbor resentment towards this fact. For the last couple years I haven't had a physical attraction to him. I have only had sex with him because I felt obligated. I had never had the desire to cheat and have never considered it. I ended up in a situation where I was with another person, an unmarried man, and we had wonderful conversation, are very much alike, and were very attracted to each other. This freaked me out. I felt like I had met a soul mate. So, I pride myself on being an honest person. I told my husband about it. I said, look, I think I've met a soul mate. He acted like he didn't care whatsoever. I was baffled by this. I thought,, what is wrong with this picture?? Here I am telling him this and he doesn't care? If he told me that I would flip my lid! I ended up having an affair with this other man. That same night I told my husband what had happened. Part of me felt guilty,, but part of me didn't really care that I'd hurt him. Why? If I was truly in love with my husband wouldn't that have affected me? My husband, for the most part, is a good man. We've had certain issues along the way that have caused me to lose respect for him. I've found it hard to overlook those things as time has passed. I would have never cheated on him with a random person just for kicks. I truly feel very connected with this other man. Even after we first met,,, before ANYTHING happened with this other man... if my husband tried to kiss me or initiate sex I would feel almost like I was cheating on the other man! I couldn't figure that out! So for the last 9 months I have been separated from my husband. I have been pursuing a relationship with the other man. He is an alcoholic. So that is something that causes some problems. He is currently sober but part of me worries about that and what it could mean for my future if we stay together. The last couple months I have chosen to be single to focus on myself and what I really want. I want to be happy. That is all I have ever strived for. I have to be honest with myself and what I want. I knew if I didn't see what could happen with the OM that I might regret it for the rest of my life and I couldn't live with myself holding on to something like that. Over the last month I had decided to give my husband another chance. I want to be able to tell my child in the future that I gave it my all. That I tried for his sake to make it work. Our routines are flawless. When it comes to running our house and going out with our child and things like that we are a perfect team. The first couple weeks we fought a bit, which I expected would happen. Every time he's tried to kiss me I have felt,, almost repulsed by the idea. He has tried to initiate sex but I'm just not interested. He says by not having sex with him I am not trying to really work on our relationship. I don't feel as thought I should feel obligated,, or forced to do that if I'm not feeling it. Of course,,, meanwhile I think about the OM and we do have some contact. Some phone conversations,, some emails. We both really care for each other. He understands why I am giving this one last go. Last night my husband and I had a really good conversation about everything. We both think that divorce is just best at this point. We can hang out,, we can be friends,, but if one of us isn't romantically inclined to be with the other person (me) then it doesn't work for either of us. He wanted to be close to me one last time. To have one good last memory of us,, was what he said. To pretend like it used to be,,, and I think maybe he just wanted to get laid,... I don't know. SO, I consented to having sex,, even though I wasn't too wild about the idea. Of course it was enjoyable,, as sex usually is,, but my heart wasn't there,, I wanted it to be over,, I wanted to cry and it was in that moment that I realized that I just don't think we could really ever stay together happily. Is that something 2 people can truly work on? To fall back in love? And how long does it take? And how much time do you potentially waste trying to get it back when you aren't even sure if it is obtainable? I have plans to leave again at this point. The hardest part is knowing I'll be away from my child half his life due to shared custody and whatnot. I don't know if things will work with the OM. I know part of the reason i don't think things could ever work again with my hubby is that his whole family prob thinks I am a horrible person for what I've done. They only know his side of the story of course,,, and don't know about the horrible things he has done to me. I don't feel like I could feel comfortable at family functions of theirs.. and I know they have no respect for me anymore. I am just looking to get this off my chest and to ask for advice,,, words of wisdom,, anything. Has anybody been in a similar situation? How did it turn out? Am I making a bad decision in your opinion? Should I be sucking it up and trying to just make it work with hubby? Or do you agree that it is surely over? Ack,, I don't know,, I could ramble all day about this. I have been a confused mess living out of my luggage for the past 9 months,, sleeping in a few different places as my husband and i lived far away from the rest of my family so I have been staying with them. Even last night after our conversations about finalizing the divorce paperwork (which is signed) he told me he loved me and felt tenderness towards me. I must be a horrible selfish person. I forgot to mention,, the OM is a tall man who really makes me feel safe and loved. When we cuddle I feel so different than when I am cuddled by my H. Part of me wonders if part of the attraction is because he makes me feel like a protected, safe woman,, when I have always been the strong one my H leans on in our relationship. Plus,, the sex with the OM is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. It is not just sex,, we really are making love. I have never felt like that during sex before,, not even with H.
StoneCold Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Dont be so hard on yourself... I wouldnt say you are a horrible selfish person.... Your marriage is a total write off...wrong was done on both sides...you tried and its very evident that theres no fixing this. You're husband will get over this and find someone else who will appreciate him..and same goes for you whether you are with this other man or not..he'll change, you'll change and both go on your separate ways.
analystfromhell Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I read a very long paragraph about you- the only mention of your husband I found was that he was a very small framed man (presumably that hasn't changed since you married), you hadn't met anyone other than your affair partner who had a mutual attraction with you and your affair partner is big (and an alcoholic?). The rest of it read like a rationalization- you fell for some other guy and decided to jump ship and wanted to convince yourself it's "the right" thing to do. So- what was "right" about what you did and how you did it?
Author justagirl1 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 @analystfromhell: I never said anything was right about what I did or how I did it. This is just the way the situation has progressed. What is 'right' or 'wrong' is subjective anyway. I just feel like I need as much feedback as possible. Should I force myself to "hang in there" and do you think I could eventually fall back in love with my husband? Do I owe that to him? Or do I owe to myself to do what my gut tells me,, try to be happy and leave? Maybe I'll never be happy, I don't know. I just know that,, the OM kind of pressures me to rush this decision in a way by constantly asking about it. I almost feel like,,, by not being decisive I am dragging my H through emotional dirt when he knows how I feel about this OM and yet he still would like to work things out. I'm emotionally drained and confused.
StoneCold Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 @analystfromhell: I never said anything was right about what I did or how I did it. This is just the way the situation has progressed. What is 'right' or 'wrong' is subjective anyway. I just feel like I need as much feedback as possible. Should I force myself to "hang in there" and do you think I could eventually fall back in love with my husband? Do I owe that to him? Or do I owe to myself to do what my gut tells me,, try to be happy and leave? Maybe I'll never be happy, I don't know. I just know that,, the OM kind of pressures me to rush this decision in a way by constantly asking about it. I almost feel like,,, by not being decisive I am dragging my H through emotional dirt when he knows how I feel about this OM and yet he still would like to work things out. I'm emotionally drained and confused. Just a girl.... You are new here so you wouldnt know that many here just cant get off the "rationalizaion"/"justification" tip....they see it even when its not there. With that said you wount find very much constructive feedback here... Anyways...your marriage failed and you are disolving it..... sounds right to me
Memphis Raines Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Should I be sucking it up and trying to just make it work with hubby? no Or do you agree that it is surely over? yes I must be a horrible selfish person. I usually would say yes for cheating, but I'll reserve that. but you will be a horrible selfish person if you don't divorce him and let him go. I forgot to mention,, the OM is a tall man who really makes me feel safe and loved. When we cuddle I feel so different than when I am cuddled by my H. Part of me wonders if part of the attraction is because he makes me feel like a protected, safe woman,, when I have always been the strong one my H leans on in our relationship. Plus,, the sex with the OM is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. It is not just sex,, we really are making love. I have never felt like that during sex before,, not even with H. then it settled, divorce your husband. you'll be that selfish horrible person if you don't. if you feel like the other guy is your soulmate(and yes, good sex can make things seem that way until the newness wears off), then do your husband a favor and set him free.
Memphis Raines Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 and then there is this statement: I initially gave up my dreams to help him pursue his which he has lacked the ambition to do over the years and I harbor resentment towards this fact So other than the guy is short and lacks ambition, getting cheated on isn't fair to him. Had sex out of obligation, which to me says he doesn't deny her attention if he is initiating it. so basically she simply became attracted to another man and is blaming it on her H.
Spark1111 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Justagirl, if you really have this level of confusion, you have a right to decide NOT to decide. How about this: Separate and live alone for awhile. No H, and no OM. Just alone with your thoughts and your feelings? Your H may decide to date and find someone else. That is the chance you take for having had an affair. Your OM may grow bored with waiting and also find someone else. That is the chance you take for having a relationship while married. I think you need alone time to sort yourself out, if for no other reason than to be a better partner to whomever may come along in the future. To stay married because of a child is a sham; to engage in another relationship while not totally over the marriage is also a sham. Right now, you have waaaaay toooo much baggage to be a good partner to any man in your life. You are still looking over your shoulder at too many "WHAT ifS" IMO. Counseling would help you. Find a good one and get going. You cannot commit to a new man until you have answered all the questions regarding your spouse and your marriage and WHY you chose it. You cannot commit to a new man until you have figured out WHY you chose to have an affair with him while still committed to another. The stronger YOU get, the easier it will be to decide what you need to do. If you never told your spouse how important it is to feel safe and protected, than is it his fault you did not with him? No, of course not. When you can identify your unmet needs, and then communicate them in a calm and kind manner, is when you are ready for a real relationship that will go the distance. Get busy. You have work to do. And yes, it IS possible to fall back in love with your spouse if both you and he are willing to do whatever is necessary to keep the relationship strong. However, you would have to give up your OM completely to do so successfully. You will not be able to give 100% of yourself untilm you do so. Are you willing to do that?
cheating-husband Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Justagirl, if you really have this level of confusion, you have a right to decide NOT to decide. How about this: Separate and live alone for awhile. No H, and no OM. Just alone with your thoughts and your feelings? Your H may decide to date and find someone else. That is the chance you take for having had an affair. Your OM may grow bored with waiting and also find someone else. That is the chance you take for having a relationship while married. I think you need alone time to sort yourself out, if for no other reason than to be a better partner to whomever may come along in the future. To stay married because of a child is a sham; to engage in another relationship while not totally over the marriage is also a sham. Right now, you have waaaaay toooo much baggage to be a good partner to any man in your life. You are still looking over your shoulder at too many "WHAT ifS" IMO. Counseling would help you. Find a good one and get going. You cannot commit to a new man until you have answered all the questions regarding your spouse and your marriage and WHY you chose it. You cannot commit to a new man until you have figured out WHY you chose to have an affair with him while still committed to another. The stronger YOU get, the easier it will be to decide what you need to do. If you never told your spouse how important it is to feel safe and protected, than is it his fault you did not with him? No, of course not. When you can identify your unmet needs, and then communicate them in a calm and kind manner, is when you are ready for a real relationship that will go the distance. Get busy. You have work to do. And yes, it IS possible to fall back in love with your spouse if both you and he are willing to do whatever is necessary to keep the relationship strong. However, you would have to give up your OM completely to do so successfully. You will not be able to give 100% of yourself untilm you do so. Are you willing to do that? Very constructive advice and I agree with it. I hope you will consider it justagirl. You just need to have courage.
pie2 Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I also agree that Spark1111's advice is very helpful. However, I think in your situation, staying together for your son would be very noble. You stated that you and your H work well as a team in the home/parenting arena. The last couple months I have chosen to be single to focus on myself and what I really want. I want to be happy. That is all I have ever strived for. I feel that the crux of your problem lies with this statement. I do hope that you will take some time to evaluate if that is really what you think marriage and parenthood is about. Because the reality is that a woman who is well-equipped to be a wife and mother knows that life is filled with sacrafice, selflessness and many moments of not being happy. It's difficut and a struggle, but it's the truth. I do admire the fact that you are wrestling with these issues, rather than just walking away from the whole situation as if it didn't matter. Just know you are not alone in this. And don't worry about what his family thinks. The only people that matter are your son and husband.
Kidd Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 How about this?... Yes, your actions have been completely selfish. You owed it to your husband to work out your problems or discuss divorce BEFORE you ever started down the road with someone else. Did you take wedding vows? Your other man is a joke. You are addicted to him. But he's no good for you and you know it. This is an escape from your troubled marriage and it will never work out because it is all based on lies and cheating. I'm sure he'll respect you for that. You are in a fog and confused. Do what you know is right. Recommit to your marriage. Give him the chance to change. Your desires are normal. Making the right decision is abnormal and honorable. Do not make a decision based on your child. Make a decision of which you will be proud and set a good example for your child. Making a selfish decision is no example. Staying in a resentful marriage is no example. Realize that your husband did NOTHING to deserve this. Maybe there were problems. Instead of fixing them, you took care of yourself. This is all on you. Give him the legitimate chance to fix what he can and watch what happens. His lack of ambition is no excuse. Would you accept this as an excuse for cheating? Every affair partner seems like a soul mate. But he's not and you already know that. Good sex is not an excuse for cheating. You committed that personal, most private part of your life to him forever. You CAN work on your sex life. Tell him what you want. More dominant male? Bet he's up for that but you've not let him act that way in the past. By the way, this taller, alcoholic is glad to be f*cking you and that's it. He'll never respect you. You're fooling yiurself to justify what you are doing. Keep reading up about all of this and you'll find the truth. Of course your H's family is not a big fan of you. You are screwing up a marriage and family for no good reason but your own selfishness. Guess what? You need to make it up to him and do the hard part of convincing them that you have learned from your mistake and will appreciate him forever and never do this again. You must never see you affair partner again. You must own making this right. Only then will you have any pride in yourself. Help your man be more confident and strong. Communicate with him now since you didn't have the courage before. This is not his fault. He will do what he needs for you. Will you do right by him? By all accounts, he has been a good husband and father. This is a no brainer.
jnj express Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Seems as if you are headed for D., which is fine if that is what is needed to get your life back in gear----You have absolutely no respect for your H., and you both seem pretty miserable As to your scum lover---for he is scum, he knew you were married, with a family, yet he partnered you in the wreckage of a mge. You by yourself getting the D. is fine, having a lover to help you break the mge apart, is way out of line----this is a guy who helped you cheat, he will down the line cheat on you, plus he is a drinker----he is definetly toxic----stay away from him---after you get your D., take plenty of time, and you will eventually find someone to perhaps spend the rest of your life with----just don't be in a big hurry, and end up with the wrong guy again!!!!!!
road Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I might have posted this in the wrong part of the forums,, so I am reposting here. Over the last month I had decided to give my husband another chance. I want to be able to tell my child in the future that I gave it my all. That I tried for his sake to make it work. Our routines are flawless. When it comes to running our house and going out with our child and things like that we are a perfect team. The first couple weeks we fought a bit, which I expected would happen. Every time he's tried to kiss me I have felt,, almost repulsed by the idea. He has tried to initiate sex but I'm just not interested. He says by not having sex with him I am not trying to really work on our relationship. I don't feel as thought I should feel obligated,, or forced to do that if I'm not feeling it. Of course,,, meanwhile I think about the OM and we do have some contact. All you have done is pulled out the old WW playbook plan where the WW fakes an attempt to recover her marriage by "attempting" to save it. You did not attempt anything except to pull the wool over everyone's eye's that know you in real life. An affair causes addiction like reactions in the WS's brain. This addiction is why affairs are hard to break. You refused to go NC with the OM. By doing so you never fought your addiciton. Contact with the OM just enough to keep you sane while you faked recovery. This just kept you from breaking you addiction and allowed you to show your BH and family and friends that you were not a bad person you "tried". You refused to burn your bridges to the OM. You kept the OM as a safety net. Your actions kept you from having to make things work with your BH because you had the OM to fall back on. How could anyone redevelop feelings for a BH when they are still connecting with the OM? They can't. Because by keeping the affair alive you could only feel that if you were to have sex with your BH that you would be cheating on the OM. You keeping the OM in your life was a deliberate ploy to sabatoge your recover from the affair because your loyalty to the OM would not let you reconnect to your BH. How can you reconnect with your BH in bed when as you are having sex with your BH all you do is think about how great the sex was with the OM? You can't.
StoneCold Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 (edited) I think you are looking at this through foggy biases glasses.... You owed it to your husband to work out your problems or discuss divorce BEFORE you ever started down the road with someone else. Did you take wedding vows? . and... Realize that your husband did NOTHING to deserve this. Maybe there were problems. Instead of fixing them, you took care of yourself. This is all on you. Give him the legitimate chance to fix what he can and watch what happens. His lack of ambition is no excuse. Would you accept this as an excuse for cheating? ....... I dont think we read the same story.... didnt she say she has brought up issues and problems that ended up getting ignored? Didnt she tell him BEFORE she had an affair that she has feelings for another?...only to have her H pretty much write her off? LMAO...all bets are off the table If he is going to carry on like that then he is the architect of his own demise. Thats the price you pay for despondency and apathy....tough. "oh boo hoo its not justified"...what happened to "justification" when he commited his failures to her in this marriage...oh thats "different" right? You play with fire...you get burned (on both ends). I dont see any victims here Also why is it up to her to fix everything when her H clearly made a sizeable contribution to the failure of this marriage? What just because she cheated he gets a pass? what a joke. Recommit to your marriage. Give him the chance to change. Your desires are normal. Making the right decision is abnormal and honorable.. What makes you so sure that recommiting to the marriage is the "right" decision? Good sex is not an excuse for cheating. You committed that personal, most private part of your life to him forever. You CAN work on your sex life. Tell him what you want. More dominant male? Bet he's up for that but you've not let him act that way in the past. . 1) Whos making excuses? 2) You CAN do a lot of things but that doesnt mean they are to be done or that they will be successful 3) OK so telling and waiting on him to change is in your opinion good advice?? Of course your H's family is not a big fan of you. You are screwing up a marriage and family for no good reason but your own selfishness. Looks like he may be guilty of the same thing Edited July 26, 2011 by StoneCold
rafallus Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I think you are looking at this through foggy biases glasses.... Everyone is wearing one all the time. Keep that in mind.
Kidd Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 My W initially tried to justify her affair, telling me that she had done everything she could short of MC to get me to change. That amounted to ridiculously petty attempts such as suggesting I didn't need that extra taco, or suggestions on how I handle challenges at work. None of my "failures" in the M justified her going out and having an affair. It's all the same foggy nonsense that WS tell themselves to somehow feel better about what they are doing. Blameshifting. Fortunately, my W saw it for what it was pretty quickly. I'm hoping to OP does that here. What I will give you is that I don't understand his passive reaction. I'll admit I just don't get that. In my case, I was quickly able to show my W I could change the things that were a concern for her. I just needed one serious sit-down conversation that her concerns were becoming a marital problem, not a bunch of subtle inferences. Her obligation was to do that (or have the D conversation) rather than lie and cheat. Her biggest regret now is that she didn't have the courage to have that difficult conversation. If she had, the A wouldn't have happened. If the OP's H has no impetus to change after realizing his impact on the M...I agree that it is foreign to me.
StoneCold Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 My W initially tried to justify her affair, telling me that she had done everything she could short of MC to get me to change. That amounted to ridiculously petty attempts such as suggesting I didn't need that extra taco, or suggestions on how I handle challenges at work. None of my "failures" in the M justified her going out and having an affair. It's all the same foggy nonsense that WS tell themselves to somehow feel better about what they are doing. Blameshifting. Fortunately, my W saw it for what it was pretty quickly. I'm hoping to OP does that here. OK but we arent talking about your relationship...we are talking about the OP's
Author justagirl1 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 In the other forum where I had posted this,, some questions were asked. Here are my answers,.. this may help shed a little more light on the situation. Thanks for all of your replies so far everyone,, really,, I do appreciate all the insight from many different viewpoints. ~~~ I met OM at the end of last September so I've known him about 10 months. Initially I wasn't physically attracted to OM, but we were in close quarters where we had to.. OK,, so we were in a film together. I knew I would have to kiss him in the film which is no big deal,, we had some scenes where we got to have conversations for days about nothing/everything. It wasn't even the kissing scene that created initial attraction, because for me, that was just business (per say). It was the conversations we had. We are a LOT alike,, at the same time different, yet complementary. It was one of those things where the whole time we were talking we were having this insane connection and it was pretty evident to everybody else including ourselves. After that I was yes, physically attracted to him. He is tall, dark,, he has gorgeous eyes. I don't think I was aware of the physical attraction because I wasn't open to that sort of thing. I have never been "a cheater" or someone looking for that,, matter of fact I have always looked down on people that have done that and now feel like a hypocrite. He is very smart. He is very honest. He makes me feel like a woman. Where my H has always leaned on me,, I have always been the strong one,, he relies on me for a lot,, around the house,, and emotionally. He has always known I will be there for him. I am devoted to the person I love. I have always prided myself on that. Again,, I sound like a hypocrite saying this,, I know. I like that the OM is such a manly type. My H is more effeminate, doormat, has always let me call the shots. The OM takes over in the bedroom,, and I like that too. I am 31, my H is 31, the OM is 31 also. The day I told H was a day in November. Mid-Nov I guess. Well, ok,, let's backtrack. Right after I came back from filming end of Sept. I told H that I thought I had met a soulmate. Which H didn't care,, just kinda shrugged,, said something like,, oh, that's cool. To which I was amazed because I had been so nervous to tell him about it,, but I wanted to be honest. I'm always honest with him about everything. Mid-Nov was after I had actually had the affair. The night of actually,,, prob a few hours after. In the moment, I knew it was wrong,, I couldn't believe I was actually going through with it,, but I didn't feel bad because it felt right. Afterwards I still felt no regret,, but I knew I had to tell H because there was no way I was going to lie about it. I had come back to town to retrieve some of my stuff and I left a week later. I came back for about a month around Feb for a month to try to work things out. It was a horrible month. I am now back since the end of June to try a second time. My reasoning,, is because I had never envisioned anything like this happening. I wouldn't have married H unless I was expecting to be with him for the rest of my life. My child is 2. H and I have been through a lot together. I hate to be the one throwing in the towel. I don't want to have to give my child up regularly and spend time apart from him. I am doing custody 50/50 because H is a great dad, thank goodness for that. I am being beyond fair with everything regarding the divorce. I am giving him one of my cars,, my computer,, the house,,, I am asking for zero child support as I work as well. I don't see it as fair and I know that if my child needed something we would go in half,, no matter what,, and if I couldn't afford it,, my H would cover it no prob. Where the child is concerned,, we are not being vindictive. Jobs - OM is a care provider, H is in sales, I am in sales. I have felt like I am stringing them BOTH along, almost, without meaning to. I have kept in touch with OM because I truly do love and miss him and feel so connected to him. He is concerned about me and wants to make sure I am doing well and that I am not being treated badly by H. This will be the second time I have tried to give H another chance to see if we can save this and although that may not constitute as stringing him along,, I almost feel as if it does in a way... that is just me being sensitive maybe.. I mean,, during this he has dated a few other women,, nothing serious. When we have been apart we have only talked to discuss things regarding our child, that sort of thing. Future with OM - is an unknown I guess. I would live at his house with him if we were together. Would he relapse at some point? I don't know,,, I can say that chance is surely there. It would mean seeing my child less,, seeing my family more as they live in the same town.
Kidd Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I don't understand your H. I've been devastated for 4 months and your H doesn't care? Strange world where the WS is in distress and trying to work it out and the BS is in a fog. OP, I don't think I would bother. Sounds like you should continue to take a break from the OM, too, to straighten yourself out. Bummer of a situation, especially for the child.
Dionysus Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 That's all very nice justagirl. Same to you SC and Kidd. Here's a simple question, what next? Can't stay in limbo forever. Why don't you create a neat little list of all your available options for the future, for us JaG? It would make things clearer for all of us.
Author justagirl1 Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 That's all very nice justagirl. Same to you SC and Kidd. Here's a simple question, what next? Can't stay in limbo forever. Why don't you create a neat little list of all your available options for the future, for us JaG? It would make things clearer for all of us. 1> Stay with H and give the relationship time to heal, NC with OM, if it still isn't working,, bolt. If it works,, great. 2> Divorce H and try life with OM. If things work with OM, great, if not, be single and move on. 3> Divorce H and NC with OM and move on. I guess these are my options, aye?
Dionysus Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 1> Stay with H and give the relationship time to heal, NC with OM, if it still isn't working,, bolt. If it works,, great. 2> Divorce H and try life with OM. If things work with OM, great, if not, be single and move on. 3> Divorce H and NC with OM and move on. I guess these are my options, aye? Good. Let's expand on this JaG. What are the potential consequences and variables, both positive and negative, for each of these available options? Not just for you, but for your H, the OM, any children, friends, neighbours, and the talking magical donkey across the street.
Author justagirl1 Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Good. Let's expand on this JaG. What are the potential consequences and variables, both positive and negative, for each of these available options? Not just for you, but for your H, the OM, any children, friends, neighbours, and the talking magical donkey across the street. Well,, staying with H, I would be around my son all the time (+), I would be in a situation where I love the place I live (+), my son would have mum&dad together (+), I would never feel comfortable again at H's family functions(-), I am not sure our sex life would ever be fulfilling (-), thoughts about what might have been with OM(-), H would have to change to keep me around, I would have to try to get over abuses from the past, it would be time consuming with the potential to waste time. Divorcing H and continuing relationship with OM, I would not get to be around my son all the time (-), I would be closer to my family (+) in a town I am comfortable in, my son would have to travel back and forth to visit mum&dad(-) which,, really, could also be a (+) because he would get to spend more time with both sets of grandparents, my sex life would be amazing (+), thoughts about what might have been with H keeping my family together (-), I don't know if the relationship with OM will be lasting (-) Divorcing H and NC with OM, I would not get to be around my son all the time (-), I would be closer to my family (+) in a town I am comfortable in, same things with son traveling back and forth to visit mum&dad (+ & -), no sex life lol (-), thoughts of what might have been with either H or OM (-), having to be in the same town as OM but having to avoid him (-) and I have a feeling he would suck me into his world because he has that power over me, I would be free of a bunch of bull**** (+)
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