beckerc Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 My husband and I have been together for seven years and within that time, we've had some pretty rocky times. He is bi-polar and not medicated, addicted to porn, and has had on-line relationships with several women. In these relationships, they have talked, exchanged photos and had cyber-sex. He has hurt me many times but I've always taken him back and we've tried hard to work through our problems. I know he loves me and is remorseful, but I live in constant fear that it will happen again. Even when things are going well in our relationship, he is bad at communicating to me and he rarely wants to have sex. Currently its been almost a month since we have since I've quit trying on my end. But this isn't about him... A couple of days ago, I decided to go out with a couple of my friends at work and we were all drinking. We later met up with more people, one of them being my manager from work. "Dave" always flirts with me but it was never more than that. But, he kept complimenting me and making me feel good about myself and I told him everything about my husband that has been upsetting me. He started touching me and kissing me and I didnt stop him because 1) I feel like my husband doesn't want me and someone else finally did, 2) I was drunk, and 3) I'm stupid and lonely. It later turned into sex which I stopped shortly after we started because I realized how dumb I was. I somehow rationalized that after all the horrible stuff my husband has done to me that he somehow deserved this. But, I realized after being with this other person that revenge is stupid and only hurts people and never helps. I also realized that I don't want to be with anyone else other than my hubby, which is why I stopped everything that was happening with Dave. I know that doesn't help my case any... Now I don't know what to do, except that I have to tell him. I also have to quit my job since I see Dave all the time, and that wouldn't be fair to my husband. I just know he is going to be so upset, but maybe he will forgive me. I forgave him after all those times he broke my heart and he knows how much it hurts me when he ignores me all the time that maybe he will understand. Or maybe I should just keep it a secret forever, and let it torment me and not him. I just need some advice because I just don't know what to do now.
fltc Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I just need some advice because I just don't know what to do now. You don't need any advice, you know exactly what you must do, you wrote it yourself: "I have to tell him. I also have to quit my job since I see Dave all the time, and that wouldn't be fair to my husband."
silktricks Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Why do you want to stay in a marriage where you are so obviously unhappy?
David Cain Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) Both of you cheated. Divorce. Edited July 25, 2011 by David Cain
Eve Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I wouldn't go quitting the job in this market. Get your own place and don't bother with either of the men, I say. They don't sound very reliable to me. Also stop with the explaining and work out what you need right now. Get back to just being you. Give yourself at least one year of finding yourself again. It was a bad mistake but I think you need to consider if really you have done something to be the bad guy in order to get out of what sounds like a dead marriage. Just leave instead of all that. I know you say you want your Hubby but I think you just feel guilty and telling him etc will just be a mess. Get yourself back on balance first. I don't think you should have put up with all that stuff from your Hubby. It clearly has weakened you. Get some space without explaining anything until you are clear in your own head. Take care, Eve x
Kidd Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 You don't need any advice, you know exactly what you must do, you wrote it yourself: "I have to tell him. I also have to quit my job since I see Dave all the time, and that wouldn't be fair to my husband." I agree with this. It sounds to me like you still want to work on your marriage and if that's the case, these two things are the bare minimum to get started. If you avoid this, you're wasting time for both of you. And if this isn't enough of a wake-up call for him to address the marriage, nothing will be and you can divorce with the confidence that it wasn't meant to be.
road Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I agree with this. It sounds to me like you still want to work on your marriage and if that's the case, these two things are the bare minimum to get started. If you avoid this, you're wasting time for both of you. And if this isn't enough of a wake-up call for him to address the marriage, nothing will be and you can divorce with the confidence that it wasn't meant to be. You should also tell the OMW and HR at work. This predator should not be allowed to use his position of authority at work.
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