here is my story

[justagirl1]

I am new to the community and come with a specific situation and I'm looking for advice.

 

I have been married for almost 8 years. When we met we initially had sparks but were more like best friends. He is a small framed man, my same height, sensitive type. We now have a 2 year old together. The last couple years things have slowly been going downhill in our marriage. Lack of upkeep? I would bring things up that needed to be addressed, and while they were discussed no changes were ever made. I initially gave up my dreams to help him pursue his which he has lacked the ambition to do over the years and I harbor resentment towards this fact. For the last couple years I haven't had a physical attraction to him. I have only had sex with him because I felt obligated. I had never had the desire to cheat and have never considered it. I ended up in a situation where I was with another person, an unmarried man, and we had wonderful conversation, are very much alike, and were very attracted to each other. This freaked me out. I felt like I had met a soul mate. So, I pride myself on being an honest person. I told my husband about it. I said, look, I think I've met a soul mate. He acted like he didn't care whatsoever. I was baffled by this. I thought,, what is wrong with this picture?? Here I am telling him this and he doesn't care? If he told me that I would flip my lid! I ended up having an affair with this other man. That same night I told my husband what had happened. Part of me felt guilty,, but part of me didn't really care that I'd hurt him. Why? If I was truly in love with my husband wouldn't that have affected me? My husband, for the most part, is a good man. We've had certain issues along the way that have caused me to lose respect for him. I've found it hard to overlook those things as time has passed. I would have never cheated on him with a random person just for kicks. I truly feel very connected with this other man. Even after we first met,,, before ANYTHING happened with this other man... if my husband tried to kiss me or initiate sex I would feel almost like I was cheating on the other man! I couldn't figure that out! So for the last 9 months I have been separated from my husband. I have been pursuing a relationship with the other man. He is an alcoholic. So that is something that causes some problems. He is currently sober but part of me worries about that and what it could mean for my future if we stay together. The last couple months I have chosen to be single to focus on myself and what I really want. I want to be happy. That is all I have ever strived for. I have to be honest with myself and what I want. I knew if I didn't see what could happen with the OM that I might regret it for the rest of my life and I couldn't live with myself holding on to something like that. Over the last month I had decided to give my husband another chance. I want to be able to tell my child in the future that I gave it my all. That I tried for his sake to make it work. Our routines are flawless. When it comes to running our house and going out with our child and things like that we are a perfect team. The first couple weeks we fought a bit, which I expected would happen. Every time he's tried to kiss me I have felt,, almost repulsed by the idea. He has tried to initiate sex but I'm just not interested. He says by not having sex with him I am not trying to really work on our relationship. I don't feel as thought I should feel obligated,, or forced to do that if I'm not feeling it. Of course,,, meanwhile I think about the OM and we do have some contact. Some phone conversations,, some emails. We both really care for each other. He understands why I am giving this one last go. Last night my husband and I had a really good conversation about everything. We both think that divorce is just best at this point. We can hang out,, we can be friends,, but if one of us isn't romantically inclined to be with the other person (me) then it doesn't work for either of us. He wanted to be close to me one last time. To have one good last memory of us,, was what he said. To pretend like it used to be,,, and I think maybe he just wanted to get laid,... I don't know. SO, I consented to having sex,, even though I wasn't too wild about the idea. Of course it was enjoyable,, as sex usually is,, but my heart wasn't there,, I wanted it to be over,, I wanted to cry and it was in that moment that I realized that I just don't think we could really ever stay together happily. Is that something 2 people can truly work on? To fall back in love? And how long does it take? And how much time do you potentially waste trying to get it back when you aren't even sure if it is obtainable? I have plans to leave again at this point. The hardest part is knowing I'll be away from my child half his life due to shared custody and whatnot. I don't know if things will work with the OM. I know part of the reason i don't think things could ever work again with my hubby is that his whole family prob thinks I am a horrible person for what I've done. They only know his side of the story of course,,, and don't know about the horrible things he has done to me. I don't feel like I could feel comfortable at family functions of theirs.. and I know they have no respect for me anymore. I am just looking to get this off my chest and to ask for advice,,, words of wisdom,, anything. Has anybody been in a similar situation? How did it turn out? Am I making a bad decision in your opinion? Should I be sucking it up and trying to just make it work with hubby? Or do you agree that it is surely over? Ack,, I don't know,, I could ramble all day about this. I have been a confused mess living out of my luggage for the past 9 months,, sleeping in a few different places as my husband and i lived far away from the rest of my family so I have been staying with them. Even last night after our conversations about finalizing the divorce paperwork (which is signed) he told me he loved me and felt tenderness towards me. I must be a horrible selfish person.

[justagirl1]

I forgot to mention,, the OM is a tall man who really makes me feel safe and loved. When we cuddle I feel so different than when I am cuddled by my H. Part of me wonders if part of the attraction is because he makes me feel like a protected, safe woman,, when I have always been the strong one my H leans on in our relationship. Plus,, the sex with the OM is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. It is not just sex,, we really are making love. I have never felt like that during sex before,, not even with H.

[TurboGirl]

Paragraphs are a very useful tool when posting...

[justagirl1]

I'll remember that for next time, thanks.

[half_ofa_heart]

I always feel uncomfortable posting advice on this forum because I myself am confused but there is one thing that I do know... I was in your shoes when it comes to making the decision to leave your husband. I have been there! Although in my situation, there was NO ONE else in the picture for me but I truly was not in love with him anymore and the only thing I did feel for him was resentment and if you don't address that resentment, it will lead into anger and hatred.

 

My advice to you is leave him... but do it and be single for a while. I was very surprised how happy I was when we split up. I didn't realize how much our relationship was bringing me down. I became a whole new person. It truly was the happiest time of my life. Be true to you and never lose sight of that. Happiness comes within and if you aren't happy with yourself, no other living person can do it for you.

 

Good luck Hon, wishing the best for you.

[justagirl1]

@Pierre: I wasn't "sleeping" with OM and H at the same time. As soon as the OM and I had our affair I left my H right after. I was upfront about it and never lied to him about it. It was my choice to leave then as well. He wanted me to stay but I didn't feel right about it. I moved 800 miles away.

 

You say you get a kick out of people trying to reconcile a marriage while continuing their affair. Please put yourself in their shoes. I never once thought I wouldn't be married to my H for the rest of my life. I still cling to our life plans and the image of our "perfect life" together. It's hard to get used to the fact that it may not happen afterall and I haven't been continuing the affair. Again, I am now 800 miles away from the OM and living with my H currently. I am here trying my damnedest to see if we can fix this. I am just afraid we can't. I've kept in touch with OM because he cares about me and he wants to know how things have been going. Where my head is at... that kinda' thing.

 

I would be fine living alone. I am a strong person. This is just the hand I've been dealt and the way I've played it up to this point. I am only human. Nobody is perfect. I'm sure I could have gone a different way about this situation. I could have made different choices. But this is where I've found myself and I am asking for your opinions. Even if they are harsh, I appreciate them.

 

Yes, the OM is an alcoholic,, but that doesn't make him a bad person. He just has a bad problem. One he is working on,, has been working on,, and will continue to work on. That doesn't mean he isn't deserving of love. Everybody deserves a chance in this world imho.

 

Thanks to all for the responses thus far...

[half_ofa_heart]

@Pierre: I wasn't "sleeping" with OM and H at the same time. As soon as the OM and I had our affair I left my H right after. I was upfront about it and never lied to him about it. It was my choice to leave then as well. He wanted me to stay but I didn't feel right about it. I moved 800 miles away.

 

You say you get a kick out of people trying to reconcile a marriage while continuing their affair. Please put yourself in their shoes. I never once thought I wouldn't be married to my H for the rest of my life. I still cling to our life plans and the image of our "perfect life" together. It's hard to get used to the fact that it may not happen afterall and I haven't been continuing the affair. Again, I am now 800 miles away from the OM and living with my H currently. I am here trying my damnedest to see if we can fix this. I am just afraid we can't. I've kept in touch with OM because he cares about me and he wants to know how things have been going. Where my head is at... that kinda' thing.

 

I would be fine living alone. I am a strong person. This is just the hand I've been dealt and the way I've played it up to this point. I am only human. Nobody is perfect. I'm sure I could have gone a different way about this situation. I could have made different choices. But this is where I've found myself and I am asking for your opinions. Even if they are harsh, I appreciate them.

 

Yes, the OM is an alcoholic,, but that doesn't make him a bad person. He just has a bad problem. One he is working on,, has been working on,, and will continue to work on. That doesn't mean he isn't deserving of love. Everybody deserves a chance in this world imho.

 

Thanks to all for the responses thus far...

 

I hope I did not come across as judgemental as that is the LAST thing I am!!!! This girl lives in a glass house therefore I do NOT throw stones!!!! Nor do I believe I am better by any stretch.

 

I was merely trying to advise you of how I felt when I made the decision to leave my husband. Before making that decision, I too was scared and feared the unknown but what I'm trying to say is the unknown turned out to be the blessing in disguise that I was hoping for.

 

I have one more thing to add and that is my husband was an alcoholic

It wasn't the easiest thing to live with but wasn't the entire reason for the end of our marriage either.

 

Everyone is different and what works for some, may not work for others. With you... only you know what will work for you and that's why you need to do the work to find what's gonna work for you. It sounds like an overwhelming journey but one worth it in the end.

 

I was VERY VERY Happy when I split up with my husband and remained that way for several years... a happily divorced woman. However, I am now an OW who is miserable because I'm in love with someone I simply cannot have.

 

My point is, I am FAR from perfect but can share with you my experiences in hopes you (and others) can see that some choices work out, and some don't. take what you can from them and make your decisions based on what YOU believe will work for YOU!!!

 

Again, BEST of luck to you!

[justagirl1]

I hope I did not come across as judgemental as that is the LAST thing I am!!!! This girl lives in a glass house therefore I do NOT throw stones!!!! Nor do I believe I am better by any stretch.

 

I was merely trying to advise you of how I felt when I made the decision to leave my husband. Before making that decision, I too was scared and feared the unknown but what I'm trying to say is the unknown turned out to be the blessing in disguise that I was hoping for.

 

I have one more thing to add and that is my husband was an alcoholic

It wasn't the easiest thing to live with but wasn't the entire reason for the end of our marriage either.

 

Everyone is different and what works for some, may not work for others. With you... only you know what will work for you and that's why you need to do the work to find what's gonna work for you. It sounds like an overwhelming journey but one worth it in the end.

 

I was VERY VERY Happy when I split up with my husband and remained that way for several years... a happily divorced woman. However, I am now an OW who is miserable because I'm in love with someone I simply cannot have.

 

My point is, I am FAR from perfect but can share with you my experiences in hopes you (and others) can see that some choices work out, and some don't. take what you can from them and make your decisions based on what YOU believe will work for YOU!!!

 

Again, BEST of luck to you!

 

You didn't come off as judgmental at all!! I appreciated your post! What kind of issues came up with your exH considering he was an alcoholic? Just curious?

[justagirl1]

I know it seems I was attacking you and you have gone into defensive mode.

 

Do not feel judged. Anyone can have ab affair and it does not mean you are a bad person.

 

Here is the pearl:

 

AS LONG AS YOU TALK WITH OM, READ EMAILS, LOOK AT OLD PHOTOS, KEEP HIS PRESENTS, ETC you will continue to desire OM. The only way to get OM off your system is to go 100% NC. Then after several months perhaps you can try a reconciliation.

 

Not defensive, it might have read that way,, I am just trying to give you as much info as I can. It's hard to (near impossible) to include all info in just one post. I feel you on the NC thing,, and I know to give my marriage a REAL chance I would have to go NC with the OM. I just can't imagine actually doing that because of my feelings. One issue with the OM situation and going NC,,,,, I have to be where he lives for the next 3 months which will be 800 miles away from H,,, it's a work situation. So he will be there,, my H will be here... not really the best scenario for trying to prove loyalty to H,, or even pursue salvaging relationship with H,, because I'm sure at this point,, he doesn't trust me,, esp knowing OM is there. /sigh.... So me saying,,, well this is it,, as far as this time frame,,, after being here a little longer than a month,, is knowing I have to go back regardless and feeling hopeless as far as our marriage is concerned.

[half_ofa_heart]

You didn't come off as judgmental at all!! I appreciated your post! What kind of issues came up with your exH considering he was an alcoholic? Just curious?

 

he became a "recovered" alcoholic shortly after our son was born but it wasn't until years after our divorce that I (as well as he) found out he wasn't recovered at all but was a dry drunk! The difference is a dry drunk just stops drinking where as a recovered alcoholic deals with all the issues that leads them to drink in the first place.

 

being an alcoholic is a daily struggle for most (from what my ex told me) therefore there wasn't room for much else in their life. They are, for the most part, emotionally unavailable most of the time. I can only speak for the dry-drunk husband as he has become recovered since the divorce.

 

My ex-husband could not be trusted to care for our two children; I could not rely on him to get/keep a job; I could not rely on him to help with keeping of a household; he was a liability from every angle. Was this ALL due to his addiction???? I do not know the answer to that but what I did know was I wasn't happy and there was clearly NOTHING in it for me so I decided to leave.

 

Again, this is "MY" experience. Others may have wonderful experiences with an alcoholic spouse. There just wasn't anything there for me.

 

Obviously with my current situation as the OW, I have a problem with choosing men that are not just emotionally "unavailable" but I can now add "physically" unavailable as well . This is the issue that I am currently trying to get to the bottom of. Perhaps it might be something for you to explore as well.

 

Best of Luck

[fooled once]

I think divorcing your husband would be the most humane thing to do for him. You clearly don't love him (said as much) have no respect for him, he's short, doesn't turn you on, etc....

 

OTOH, your OM is a tall alcoholic, who makes you feel "safe".

 

Just let your husband go, so he can find someone who can love him for who he is.

 

Ditto

 

I would think that you need to go ahead and jump off the ledge. You don't have any care or respect for your husband and are just with him because of what people will say and you are worried about shared custody.

 

You've already bit the bullet by having an affair, so why not just bite all the way down.

 

As for your OM, being an alcoholic is a big red flag and do you really want to take the chances that would entail? Seems you've got several strikes against you regarding him.....that it started as an affair relationship and that he is an alcoholic.

 

The wisest choice would be to get that divorce and seek counselling and figure out why you are self destructive with your choices. You sound very confused and troubled so leaving for your om would be a mistake but yet it sounds like staying in a marriage isn't an option either.

 

Ditto

 

OP, I WAS married to an alcoholic. He is the father of my son. I wish my son never had to deal with this. Please don't minimize the alcoholism. No, it doesn't make him a 'bad person' with an issue, it makes him unable to deal with life, deal with issues and not someone I would want my child around. He has a disease and until he gets help, gets sober and stays sober, he can't be anything to you. He has to concentrate on HIMSELF first and foremost. YOU can't fix him. Only he can do that.

 

Also, please don't use the "everyone makes mistakes" line. I divorced my husband and never cheated on him - not when he was drunk and hitting me or sober and a jerk. You used your issues with your H as an excuse to cheat. Own it.

 

I am glad you are divorcing your H. He deserves a faithful wife and someone who even if they fall out of love with him, would willingly work on the marriage and not just go cheat. I know, I know, the OM was special. And of course the sex is amazing. Sex with someone else after 'routine' sex with someone you are married to can be exciting. Try having that exciting sex when he is so drunk little willy can't stand up. So he is taller - just means he passes out drunk he has a longer way to fall before hitting the floor.

 

I think you have romanticized the whole affair. I think you were unhappy in your marriage and grabbed onto someone to make you feel whole.

 

So the OM is 800 miles away? Will you be moving closer to him now?

 

As for your H's family not liking you - can you BLAME them? You cheated on their son/brother/nephew? Why would they like you? You think if you explained to them that your H didn't pay attention to you like you wanted that they would be more understanding of why you had an affair? I'm sorry, but for me, no behavior he had was justification for you having an affair. They may feel the same way.

 

But the good news is ... you are out of the marriage. You are moving forward.

 

I suggest counseling. I suggest family counseling for your child too, to help with feelings of abandonment with the divorce, etc. I also ask that you focus on your child right now and not getting with the other man. He will be there; your child needs you most now.

[Cabin]

I am in a very similar situation: married nearly 8 years with no sexual connection to H.

 

We went to counselling for months and months and the MC recommended this book: http://www.carolcassell.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=7&Itemid=7 for me to read.

 

If you don't have strong sexual chemistry, you can't "create" it out of nowhere. You need that first, as a foundation in your relationship, so that even when sexual desire ebbs and flows, you have a strong baseline to keep your relationship strong.

 

I would also read up on situation-specific sexual aversion. This happens often to women who have sex with their H out of obligation or duty. They develop an aversion to him. Couple that with lacking sexual chemistry and you have one dead marriage.

 

I'm in that situation right now.

 

In the book "Too good to leave/too bad to stay" the author (a 20 year therapist) provides this guideline: if your spouse's touch makes your skin crawl, you need to crawl out of the relationship.

[Cabin]

 

However, it must be noted that women need to have the emotional needs in good standing and many husbands have no clue about how to do that.

 

You are right Pierre. Many men don't know that women have 1/5 the testorone that men do, so they are not going to rely on purely physical urges to have sexual desire! It begins in the mind and heart.

 

If a man can keep a woman emotionally charged and feeling loved, then she can be a better lover physically.

[justagirl1]

OK, we are back online:

 

Some questions for you.

 

When did you meet OM? How long ago?

 

What attracts you to OM?

 

 

How old are you? How old H? How old OM?

 

When did you tell H? In other words d-day.

 

When did you move out?

 

When did you move back in?

 

Why did you come back?

 

What are the occupations of you, H, and OM?

 

I have to give you a lot of credit for having being honest with your H regarding your feelings for OM and the fact that you moved out. IN this regard you broke the mold and did not act like the typical cake eater married person that talks both sides of the mouth and strings along the spouse and OM.

 

However, you decided to come back to the marriage and in the meantime continued to talk to OM. IN other words you are now stringing him. Why?

 

How do you see your future with OM? Where would you live with him?

 

I met OM at the end of last September so I've known him about 10 months.

 

Initially I wasn't physically attracted to OM, but we were in close quarters where we had to.. OK,, so we were in a film together. I knew I would have to kiss him in the film which is no big deal,, we had some scenes where we got to have conversations for days about nothing/everything. It wasn't even the kissing scene that created initial attraction, because for me, that was just business (per say). It was the conversations we had. We are a LOT alike,, at the same time different, yet complementary. It was one of those things where the whole time we were talking we were having this insane connection and it was pretty evident to everybody else including ourselves. After that I was yes, physically attracted to him. He is tall, dark,, he has gorgeous eyes. I don't think I was aware of the physical attraction because I wasn't open to that sort of thing. I have never been "a cheater" or someone looking for that,, matter of fact I have always looked down on people that have done that and now feel like a hypocrite. He is very smart. He is very honest. He makes me feel like a woman. Where my H has always leaned on me,, I have always been the strong one,, he relies on me for a lot,, around the house,, and emotionally. He has always known I will be there for him. I am devoted to the person I love. I have always prided myself on that. Again,, I sound like a hypocrite saying this,, I know.

 

I like that the OM is such a manly type. My H is more effeminate, doormat, has always let me call the shots. The OM takes over in the bedroom,, and I like that too.

 

I am 31, my H is 31, the OM is 31 also.

 

The day I told H was a day in November. Mid-Nov I guess. Well, ok,, let's backtrack. Right after I came back from filming end of Sept. I told H that I thought I had met a soulmate. Which H didn't care,, just kinda shrugged,, said something like,, oh, that's cool. To which I was amazed because I had been so nervous to tell him about it,, but I wanted to be honest. I'm always honest with him about everything. Mid-Nov was after I had actually had the affair. The night of actually,,, prob a few hours after. In the moment, I knew it was wrong,, I couldn't believe I was actually going through with it,, but I didn't feel bad because it felt right. Afterwards I still felt no regret,, but I knew I had to tell H because there was no way I was going to lie about it.

 

I had come back to town to retrieve some of my stuff and I left a week later. I came back for about a month around Feb for a month to try to work things out. It was a horrible month. I am now back since the end of June to try a second time.

 

My reasoning,, is because I had never envisioned anything like this happening. I wouldn't have married H unless I was expecting to be with him for the rest of my life. My child is 2. H and I have been through a lot together. I hate to be the one throwing in the towel. I don't want to have to give my child up regularly and spend time apart from him. I am doing custody 50/50 because H is a great dad, thank goodness for that. I am being beyond fair with everything regarding the divorce. I am giving him one of my cars,, my computer,, the house,,, I am asking for zero child support as I work as well. I don't see it as fair and I know that if my child needed something we would go in half,, no matter what,, and if I couldn't afford it,, my H would cover it no prob. Where the child is concerned,, we are not being vindictive.

 

Jobs - OM is a care provider, H is in sales, I am in sales.

 

I have felt like I am stringing them BOTH along, almost, without meaning to. I have kept in touch with OM because I truly do love and miss him and feel so connected to him. He is concerned about me and wants to make sure I am doing well and that I am not being treated badly by H. This will be the second time I have tried to give H another chance to see if we can save this and although that may not constitute as stringing him along,, I almost feel as if it does in a way... that is just me being sensitive maybe.. I mean,, during this he has dated a few other women,, nothing serious. When we have been apart we have only talked to discuss things regarding our child, that sort of thing.

 

Future with OM - is an unknown I guess. I would live at his house with him if we were together. Would he relapse at some point? I don't know,,, I can say that chance is surely there. It would mean seeing my child less,, seeing my family more as they live in the same town.

[justagirl1]

I am in a very similar situation: married nearly 8 years with no sexual connection to H.

 

We went to counselling for months and months and the MC recommended this book: http://www.carolcassell.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=7&Itemid=7 for me to read.

 

If you don't have strong sexual chemistry, you can't "create" it out of nowhere. You need that first, as a foundation in your relationship, so that even when sexual desire ebbs and flows, you have a strong baseline to keep your relationship strong.

 

I would also read up on situation-specific sexual aversion. This happens often to women who have sex with their H out of obligation or duty. They develop an aversion to him. Couple that with lacking sexual chemistry and you have one dead marriage.

 

I'm in that situation right now.

 

In the book "Too good to leave/too bad to stay" the author (a 20 year therapist) provides this guideline: if your spouse's touch makes your skin crawl, you need to crawl out of the relationship.

 

 

I could totally see how having sex out of obligation/duty could lead to having such an aversion. It is no longer an act of love and passion and connecting,, it becomes,, a chore,, no kissing, just get it done so I can get to sleep type thing. Sex is very important. Or rather,,, love making I suppose would be a better word imho. Because that is truly the way I feel connected completely to the person I am with. You develop such a caring partnership that can be expressed in such a beautiful way... I really have needed that emotional support in my life.

[fooled once]

So you are going to move 800 miles away from your child????? :confused::confused:

[justagirl1]

So you are going to move 800 miles away from your child????? :confused::confused:

 

Absolutely not. Divorce paperwork says I am the guardian. But son would have to travel back and forth to spend equal time with each parent. That is what we have been doing the last 9 months or so... It is hard every time. Child doesn't seem to be affected. Is happy wherever he is and has loving supportive family on both sides, in both places.