NHSWizard Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 There's this *bleep* who has caused a lot of issues with my and my gf. She clearly has pics of me in her profile pic and it also says she is in a relationship with me. The first time he had sent her some cheeky winks on her wall. The second time he had sent her a message asking how she was. It was still quite flirty though so I happened to mention it as I wasn't exactly cool with it. She said he probably did fancy her but she didn't tell me he had PM'd her when I asked her. So she lied to me. Now I clearly have trust issues (though warranted) as I asked for proof. Turns out there were PM's quite flirty (him calling her a dirty girl?!) and also saying "I'm PM'ing you as I don't want your bf to know I like you" etc. To be fair to her she had not really acted or reciprocated back much. But she had replied. She insists they have only met once which I don't believe as she already lied once to me. What do I do now? Am I overreacting? I'm actually really livid even though she tells me she has now blocked him off FB.
Glinda Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Get outside and get some sunshine. Stop living your life on Facebook. Problem solved.
Author NHSWizard Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 So just because it is on a different medium it's meant to be ignored? By that logic I could go and talk to loads of women on the internet and that's ok?
mindfuq Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I think she did the right thing, she was kind enough to answer his message, which proves her good manners. You're allowed to be jealous but don't let it take over your mind.
stace79 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I disagree with everyone here. If she is your girlfriend, then she committed to you. That means that if some other guy is flirting with you, you tell him "Thank you, I'm flattered but I'm in a relationship and would appreciate you respecting that." If he continues doing it you then say "I am in a relationship and asked you to respect it. If you cannot, I won't be able to be your friend." If it still continues, you stop answering calls, take him off your social networks and generally go no contact. I think it's totally inappropriate she hasn't made an effort to tell him to stop this behavior. I think you are perfectly right to be upset, and that you should calmly explain to her that you expect certain boundaries in a relationship that she has now crossed. Then, you watch. If she doesn't share the same sense of boundaries as you, you are probably not with the right person.
Try Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 She insists they have only met once which I don't believe as she already lied once to me. The fact that she met with him in person makes this no longer just a FB issue. Ignore any of the posters saying otherwise, you have a right to not be OK with her actions. FB, email, IM, etc. are often the first traces that you notice when catching a cheater. I am not saying that she has cheated, but the fact that she met him in person is an indication that she may be open to it or already has.
Space Ritual Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 The fact that she met with him in person makes this no longer just a FB issue. Ignore any of the posters saying otherwise, you have a right to not be OK with her actions. FB, email, IM, etc. are often the first traces that you notice when catching a cheater. I am not saying that she has cheated, but the fact that she met him in person is an indication that she may be open to it or already has. I have to agree here.....face to face meetings do not bode well for people who are supposedly in committed relationships. Facebook is not the culprit...it is only a vehicle that allows people to rise to their level of emotional and intellectual incompetence. I suggest you make sure your GF understands boundaries...if not, tell her to hit the bricks
Author NHSWizard Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 The fact that she met with him in person makes this no longer just a FB issue. Ignore any of the posters saying otherwise, you have a right to not be OK with her actions. FB, email, IM, etc. are often the first traces that you notice when catching a cheater. I am not saying that she has cheated, but the fact that she met him in person is an indication that she may be open to it or already has. I have to agree here.....face to face meetings do not bode well for people who are supposedly in committed relationships. Facebook is not the culprit...it is only a vehicle that allows people to rise to their level of emotional and intellectual incompetence. I suggest you make sure your GF understands boundaries...if not, tell her to hit the bricks THANK YOU! It's really unbelievable to me how I can come across as a "controlling, jealous, overreacting male" to some, but completely justified to others. She didn't tell him to stop it. And she hid it from me. That's saying something. Right? Also Stace, you are right maybe her and I just have different impressions of what boundaries are. I've got a lot to think about. We had a big argument about it earlier and she was distraught, but I said forget about it let's move on. What I need to tell her is we may have different ideas on how far our boundaries go.
stace79 Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Other people don't "get it" because I think our society has gotten warped by television, movies, etc. People are being programmed to think selfishly and only about themselves, and they see cheating and other inappropriate relationships all over media so we become somewhat immune to it. Then, we are taught that our own independence is most important, and to hell with someone else who can't accept that, even if that someone else is someone we claim to love and want in our lives. It IS possible to have a happy, fulfilling relationship with someone without "losing your identity or independence". I am constantly frustrated by attitudes like those of some of the first repliers. I hope you are able to work this out. I know it is frustrating and hurtful to hear someone say they love you and want to be with you, but yet continue to do things that hurt you or make you feel unimportant.
Sebastian76 Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I'd get really really upset if that was my gf, and would seriously consider dumping her. It boils down to trust, and she screwed that one up big time. My definate experience is 'once a cheater always a cheater'. I'd probably dump her and see how much she regrets and how badly she crawls. If not enough, I'd leave her frying in her own mess and move on.
Author NHSWizard Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 ^Thanks for your advice Sebastian. At the same time, I'm not sure whether this qualifies as full blow cheating.... Does it? I think it's more a breach of trust, it's not like she slept with him. He flirted with her, she replied. And to prevent an argument, she hid that from me. It's more lying I would have thought...and (warning sexism alert) I think most young girls like getting male attention/male compliments on their looks, it's impossible to turn down or not to hear.
Sebastian76 Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Yes it's probably just a flirt, and most people flirt a bit and keep it hidden for obvious reasons. Women never ever come clean if something happened unless you have hard evidence, and then they'll only admit 10%. But she most likely didn't do anything serious. But you should make it crystal clear that you've thought long and hard about this and that it is the only second chance she will ever get from you. In your reality it not ok to let someone hit on them like that and meeting up with a pursuer you consider cheating, and if she ever does anything like that again you'll be gone in a split second. I'd still dump her and let her crawl back. Action gets the message across more than any words can ever do.
Author NHSWizard Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 ^ She definitely knows where she stands with me, I told her I'm don't feel the same way about marrying her after I saw this. And that's a great point Stace, it seems people have been brainwashed to value "independence" over anything or anyone else. I never stopped or forbade her from doing these things but I would have thought that I wouldn't have needed to.
flutterbykiss Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 I've played this game with text msgs and I think it's really a loyalty issue. It doesn't matter whether or not you define it as cheating because it most certainly qualifies as not making a stand for your relationship - like she darn well should have! There is only one acceptable response to advances from outside a relationship and that is total, unequivocal shutdown. Otherwise she is leaving the door open for more - which is as good as encouraging it. You are right that you shouldn't have to spell it out or make rules and regulations for her to follow. You should be able to trust your gf to make the right decision in any situation that comes up.
Recommended Posts