When does sadness/anxiety/worry lessen?

[Crapdiem]

DDay was may 22, 2011. I have good days and bad days. Lately I have really been struggling again with the anxiety and sadness.

 

When does the pit in your stomach go away???? I worry that I am going to go through all this (the pain of the A) and nothing will change, our marriage will be the same (and of course it wasnt going well since it led to an A on his part). I worry that the communication and the physical distance (our 2 big contributors to the problems in the marriage) wont improve and will be here in months from now. My mind races at night when we are lying in bed. he holds me as we sleep but I cant sleep, I just fret and fear. I find myself crying in the shower, feeling numb even when we are doing something great with our kids. It is like this cloud and I cant shake it.

 

I am anxious cause I know he was physically and emotionally connected to her. I fully believe he has cut off all contact with her (I have outside sources) and I know he wants to be in our marriage. I worry that I am not enough and that it is our history/our children/our comfort (15 years together) that binds us. he and I are soooo different, and it always seemed to work. Until it didnt anymore.

 

I worry that now I see his faults he is no longer enough for me either. That I loved him/he loved me seemed to be enough to keep our marriage. Until he told another woman he loved her and screwed me over and over by staying with her and hiding it behind my back, lying to my face, and denying.

 

Those who reconciled, did you still feel like this after reconciliation? How did you work it out? how did you stop feeling like you were spinning and the world was just going to fly out of control??????

Edited July 25, 2011 by Crapdiem

[whichwayisup]

It just takes time..And, he needs to put your worries first, make you feel secure again, feel loved, and earn your faith and trust in him again. He f.ucked up, he chose to go elsewhere, outside of the marriage instead of talking to you about his own isssues, or problems in the marriage. That's on HIM, not you! You are not to blame for his choice to cheat. Each of you are responsible for issues and problems in the marriage so don't ever feel you're at fault for his cheating.

 

Have you thought about going to therapy? Marriage counselling together as a couple and on your own? This can help you learn how to deal with the emotional and physical pain that you're feeling, as well as fixing things between you and your H. .. As long as he's willing to put in the effort.

 

Some say it takes 2-4 years to get the marriage back on track, with a lot of hard work, sweat and tears.. Give this your best shot and if by chance, down the road you can't see things getting easier, then re-think things. No decisions need to be made now in the sense of divorcing or separating..

 

Sorry you're hurting..Keep posting.

[Crapdiem]

[quote name=

 

Have you thought about going to therapy? Marriage counselling together as a couple and on your own? This can help you learn how to deal with the emotional and physical pain that you're feeling, as well as fixing things between you and your H. .. As long as he's willing to put in the effort.

.

 

We went to MC 3x. He hates it. He is a VERY private person (go figure he would spill his guts to his lover). But he is military and very much the "man's man" so while I can "force" him to go and he will because I ask, it is pointless because it is very hard for him to talk. he compartmentalizes EVERYTHING.

 

And to him it is as if I am focusing only on the negative. I fuss becasue I want to be touched more but he says I dont pay attention to the times he does touch me. Or see the changes that have been made, I am focusing on the voids. So I fluctuate between acknowledging that he has a point (I AM in a funk and go up in my head and stew over everything) to being angry that he isnt kissing my ass and being grateful I stayed (which isnt healthy either I know).

 

It is just all a mess.I cant figure out how to act or do or be, if I am doing the right thing, if grieving like I am is healthy, I just dont know!!! And I am SUCH an analytical person that not knowing what to do or not do is killing me

[whichwayisup]

he compartmentalizes EVERYTHING.

 

And now I can see why this is hard to work things out.

 

This may be something you can't get past..You have that right too. Not all can forgive and work through an affair. One never forgets, but one can forgive.

 

Bottomline is this. If he wants you and the marriage, then he can work his ass off and do whatever is necessary to save the marriage. If he isn't willing to work hard and fight, then there's no point in trying to salvage the marriage.

[silktricks]

[/i]

And to him it is as if I am focusing only on the negative. I fuss becasue I want to be touched more but he says I dont pay attention to the times he does touch me. Or see the changes that have been made, I am focusing on the voids. So I fluctuate between acknowledging that he has a point (I AM in a funk and go up in my head and stew over everything) to being angry that he isnt kissing my ass and being grateful I stayed (which isnt healthy either I know).

 

It is just all a mess.I cant figure out how to act or do or be, if I am doing the right thing, if grieving like I am is healthy, I just dont know!!! And I am SUCH an analytical person that not knowing what to do or not do is killing me

 

Sheesh!!! Well, of COURSE you are focusing on the negative. For crying out loud, you found out just 2 MONTHS ago that your husband has been cheating on you. What else would you be focusing on? Maybe you don't "pay attention" to the times he does touch you, but maybe that still means he doesn't touch you enough.

 

2 months is nothing in recovery time. Grieving is not only healthy, it's necessary. You lost something that may never be recovered, you lost trust in the man you gave your life to.

 

Being analytical at a time like this will probably be difficult for you, because you will try to double-think everything. That isn't necessarily bad, but I believe it makes recovery go more slowly. I'm also analytical. Most marriages, they say take about 2 years to recover from infidelity - for me it was four plus. I thought about everything, night and day. I couldn't sleep through the night for well over a year. Everything he said I would double check in my mind against other things he had said - if there were any discrepancies we'd be in the middle of a whirlwind again.

 

Recovery is difficult, and it takes 2 VERY committed people to be able to make it work, IMO. If your husband won't communicate with you or an MC, that will make things even more difficult.

 

Don't worry about how to be or how to act. Be you. You have to rely on yourself, right now. You cannot rely on everything your husband tell you, as he has shown himself to be quite capable of lying to you, right? So if this is going to work out for you long term, you have to learn to trust him again - not just jump right into it, as that will make you feel crazy. And he has to realize that he needs to earn your trust, as right now you don't have any basis for it.

 

No he shouldn't be kissing your ass for staying, but he should be awfully d*mn grateful.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[reboot]

Think years, not months.

[silktricks]

Think years, not months.

 

Always so concise - and right

[nyrias]

Think years, not months.

 

Which begs the question ... is it worth it? And how do you tell in the beginning? It is a lot of costs for an uncertain outcome.

 

The other point is that if one side is not 100% committed (from the WS's perspective, why would he want to do the work?), should the other person try anyway?

 

It seems that a divorce may be less work, and the outcome is certain, and it is not clear it won't lead to a better outcome.

[seren]

Silktricks has already said what I would have said, I will add that the anxiety/worry does lessen, in time, the sadness takes longer. I think even those of us who have reconciled still feel sadness at the A and the memory of 2 months out is very similar to what you describe. However, we are now just short of 4 years out and while I cannot, hand on heart, say that I have forgotten (don't think I ever could) it doesn't consume or define our relationship. It is possible to build a new relationship, but it does take time, commitment, lots of going over and over what happened to try and make sense of it all, well as much as you can, and I don't know that many WS can quite grasp the sheer hurt, anger, anxiety etc that a BS experiences after D Day.

 

I have said before, but the thing that helped my H to understand was the Letter to a Wayward Spouse, it's on the Internet. i also kept a journal and remember when I felt like you do, just giving it to him. I felt I was baring my soul and wasn't sure that I trusted him with it, but for me, it was a last ditch attempt to try to get him to stop the running away from his guilt as opposed to dealing with his actions and understanding that while the A wasn't about me or us, reconcilation certainly was.

 

I also wanted and needed to be held more, but on reflection he was, it just wasn't enough. I think many of us just imagine A's to be like it was for us at the beginning of our relationship and we want and need that and that the WS just wants it all to be as it was - unfair I think and I can tell you that once H processed that and understood that I really did love and want him, that we have that in spades now. We have been together for close on 27 years and despite the A, we have a wonderful relationship, but I still have the odd day when I wish the A wasn't a part of our history, but I suppose it has made us both see that if we can get through that, we can get through anything.

 

It takes time, transparency, being able to say to your H what you need and vice versa. We didn't have counselling, but we sure made time to talk and listen, no backing off, no running away. Some don't make it, but there are an awful lot of us that do. I wish you well. Seren x

[bigmomma1974]

If he won't see a marriage counsler maybe you can see one to helmp yourself to deal witth the pain hurt and heartache you r feelingm.

[Crapdiem]

Silkt

 

I also wanted and needed to be held more, but on reflection he was, it just wasn't enough. I think many of us just imagine A's to be like it was for us at the beginning of our relationship and we want and need that and that the WS just wants it all to be as it was - unfair I think anSome don't make it, but there are an awful lot of us that do. I wish you well. Seren x

 

Exactly, I feel sooo needy right now. I came home last night and just wanted him to grab me and hug me, kiss me, assure me. What we did was play Monopoly with our boys, take the dog for a walk, and then we cuddled on the couch. And all that stuff is good but I still feel sad that he didnt do the first. If that makes sense. I just want to be told he loves me constantly, to be held constantly, to have him stop being so damn selfish in bed! I mean, come on, you can sc rew another woman but still dont pay attention to foreplay?? GRRRRRR

 

I do think I am focusing on the absences rather than what is present, but I cant seem to get my mind to shut off. I know he had passion with her, I want to see that same thing to me, to know that I am not less than her, that I am more tahn just the mother of kids and his support.

Edited July 26, 2011 by Crapdiem

[Snowflower]

First off, I love your screen name! Very clever!

 

Secondly, every BS who reads your posts can empathize exactly with what you are going through, me included!

 

As far as you should be concerned, your H should be doing everything humanly possible and everything he can think of to help you through this. So, he finds MC difficult and uncomfortable? Who cares! I'm sure you find living through the aftermath of his affair difficult and uncomfortable!

 

MC is just one example that I see from your posts where your H is not trying to do everything that he can to help you through this. If you feel you need MC then require this of him.

 

I'm sorry, but your H seems like the type of WS who wants the whole mess just to go away on his timeframe. As far as he is concerned, the affair is over so there is noting more to talk about and you should be over it too.

 

I can promise you that this attitude of his will definitely not work for you.

[Crapdiem]

First off, I love your screen name! Very clever!

 

 

I'm sorry, but your H seems like the type of WS who wants the whole mess just to go away on his timeframe. As far as he is concerned, the affair is over so there is noting more to talk about and you should be over it too.

.

 

 

Thanks Snow, it sounds very geeky but I took Latin as my second language in high school.

 

That statement you made above is so correct. I KNOW he is remorseful, I KNOW he feels bad, I KNOW he is sorry for hte pain he caused me, but for him it as if the end of hte affair/my finding out had an expiration date for the pain. And since it has been 2 months, he wants to know when Iam giong to be better. he says all the time he doesnt know what to do for me, that he is trying to be affectionate and more loving, he is trying to make our family life better, but he cant get me out of my head and happy.

 

I know I bring it up a lot, to be honest, daily. I am dwelling and emotionally sabotaging myself. I just dont know what to do.

 

I laid there last night struggling not to tell him I want out, that the pain is so bad still. Not all the time, not like it was at Dday +1, but it is still there. I dont know what to DO with it!!!!!

Edited July 26, 2011 by Crapdiem

[nyrias]

Thanks Snow, it sounds very geeky but I took Latin as my second language in high school.

 

That statement you made above is so correct. I KNOW he is remorseful, I KNOW he feels bad, I KNOW he is sorry for hte pain he caused me, but for him it as if the end of hte affair/my finding out had an expiration date for the pain. And since it has been 2 months, he wants to know when Iam giong to be better. he says all the time he doesnt know what to do for me, that he is trying to be affectionate and more loving, he is trying to make our family life better, but he cant get me out of my head and happy.

 

I know I bring it up a lot, to be honest, daily. I am dwelling and emotionally sabotaging myself. I just dont know what to do.

 

I laid there last night struggling not to tell him I want out, that the pain is so bad still. Not all the time, not like it was at Dday +1, but it is still there. I dont know what to DO with it!!!!!

 

May be that is the question you need to ask yourself. Do you want out?

 

Even if he is remorseful, there is guarantee that he is able to do what it needs to get you pass it.

[YellowShark]

1) It will take years to heal this wound in your relationship.

 

2) The old marriage you had is gone. You are now having to forge a new marriage. When your husband had an affair.. he emptied a "gas tank" that was once filled with trust. It is empty now. It has to be re-filled. That will take time... and lots of effort.

 

3) Your husband must attend MC with you. A man in love will move mountains, so I don't think a few hours of counselling is really asking too much from him. Too f-ing bad if it's "hard for him to talk."

 

4) You need to speak with a therapist alone to help you deal with being thrown under a bus. It will help.

 

Good luck.

[seren]

That was a great post Yellowshark and so true. I think that most BS want the intimacy and the Passion, they (general) imagine A sex to be all that, and I think that as it is all so new and all so different that I imagine it can be hot and heavy. I also think that when D Day happens they just want a return to what was, what was familiar and what they imagine the BS wants too. I also agree with Yellowshark that the relationship has to be viewed as changed and very different to what it was pre D Day. I think many of us (again general) having become used to each other had/have our moments of passion, but generally long term relationships mellow into intimacy and lovemaking, rather than wild sex. Not that it doesn't have its place and not that it doesn't vanish, but the very nature of sleeping next to each other every night takes away some of the mystery.

 

I wonder if you have a frank talk with your H about this and told him what you need, listen to what he has to say about it. Mine was so ashamed of the A he couldn't quite understand how I could even to breath the same air as him, let alone want him or infact need him. It takes time (bet you are sick of hearing that) and it takes effort, I told mine he had to woo me all over again and he did. I think, and I can only speak from my experience, that as time goes on he wants to forget the A and while it doesn't define who we are and what we have, it does crop up and he has learned to not run away from it and knows what is needed to help us both.

 

This did not happen overnight and at the 3 month mark he was still trying to run away from himself and what he had done. If he will not go to MC, then he has to be prepared for frank and open discussion. I limited my freak out's to 30 minutes otherwise I would exhaust myself and we would just go around in circles, I also wrote how I felt down and when I just got so sick of talking about it, I gave it to H to read while I went out with the dogs to howl at the moon.

 

Work out what you need, what needs to change and go from there. x

Edited July 26, 2011 by seren
really bad grammar

[Snowflower]

OP, your posts are filled with such despair.

 

Have you considered going to IC (individual counseling)? It might really help you begin to sort out your feelings and gain perspective.

 

Reconciliation is perhaps the hardest thing you and your H will ever undertake. It requires 100 percent commitment from both partners for the marriage to even have a chance. From what you post, iit doesn't appear that either you or your H has what it takes-at least right now-to successfully heal your relationship. I don't mean that harshly but I see a lot of red flags in your situatuon. The sex issue between you and your H is a major one.

Edited July 27, 2011 by Snowflower

[Crapdiem]

I am do despair. We have been together since high school. We were best friends, he has been the only man I ever had sex with. We have survived being 19 year old newlyweds, numerous deployments, moving around the world, and so many other things. This though is killing me. I just dont know how to switch off my mind, how to know if I am doing the right thing or the wrong thing. I know it needs time. But I am so scared to invest that time and end up with a waste.

 

In February, after months and months of a strained relationship, I mentioned divorce, he agreed, I begged him to stay instead. I found out about her and what I thought was an EA. Surprisingly I was dealing with that fairly well and what I thought was our recommitment to our marriage when I found the secret emails and the proof that it was PA. For 4 months he lied to me and made me feel like an idiot for doubting him. It makes me want to vomit when I think of us on our family camping trip and that he told her about it, chatted with her, texted her. And finding the photos, indescribable.

 

And he has been honest/upfront with me. I asked for details, he answered. He listens to me when I am having a bad day, but I know he gets frustrated cause in his mind he cant fix anything, he cant make anything better. And for me, I just want constant reassurance. I want him to wake up and tell me he loves me, to call me during the day to tell me he is thinking of me, to reassure me over and over and over until the voices of doubt are quietened.

 

Like yesterday, he kissed me once all day. A quick peck. And I think about that fact instead of our getting ready for bed when he grabbed my hands and put his face in them, rubbing his scruffy beard over them, and then putting them on his heart while we curled upt to sleep. I dont know if I am focusing on the absence and making a mountain or if he quite simply cant be what I need to get over this.

 

I know I am needy. And I hate myself for it. I have always been fiercely independent. I have 2 Masters degrees, and a job I love that is very rewarding. We have amazing kids. I used to love to run and was training for a marathon. I just feel like Pluto, like someone just told me I am no longer a planet but something much much less. How do I get past feeling lesser?????

[Spark1111]

Envision a future for yourself you would adore to be in....with, or without him.

 

Get busy with fulfilling your wants and needs to be happy and live a rich life. Dig up old and new friends, take classes, volunteer and get to the gym.

 

Start running again! Exercise is hugely therapeutic!

 

Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. Speak confidently to him of your thoughts and feelings kindly and compassionately. That is what true intimacy is -- being able to share all with another.

 

Determine what you need from the relationship and state it clearly.

 

But focus, focus, focus on what will make you happy, NOT what he does or doesn't do. Take time to do your hair, make-up, new clothes, mani-pedi...whatever will make you feel your absolute best!

 

Physically, emotionally, intellectually and socially.

 

You need to find ways to reinforce the very best aspects of yourself.

[BrighterDaze]

CrapDiem, I am in a very similar boat. I feel despair. My SO is really trying to reassure me of his love and devotion, but it is hard to believe him. It is hard to accept.

 

Spark, I think your advice is spot on. I really want to focus on me, instead I am losing weight (I am already thin), losing sleep and lack self confidence. I am gonna print out your response and spend time everyday reviewing it.

 

CD, I think everything takes time, but we shouldn't forget ourselves. It hurts so much, but try every day to do something that you enjoy. I notice that when I am alone, I think more about his past behaviors. I also notice that the mornings are hardest for some reason. So, I need to spend extra time making sure that I keep busy during those times.

 

Also, we are in MC and I start IC in a few days. I look forward to talking and understanding better. I hope it will help my outlook and I can feel good again.

 

I wish you the very best. Keep posting.

[Crapdiem]

Thanks Brighter.

 

We both (DH and myself) feel pretty bleak some days. We had a long talk last night about our fears, his and mine. He is so scared I am going to leave, and since he messed up, he keeps telling me he cant stop me since he is the one who made the mess. But he tells me over and over he wants me to stay. And I know this.

 

Part of our problem is he and I have ALWAYS been very very different. That saying opposites attract was written about us. But we always made it work. he is very gregarious, loves to go out and is the life of the party. I am much more of a homebody and more rational/future oriented. So both of us are worried that now in light of this that maybe we arent what the other person needs. it is silly in one way cause I want him in my life and vice versa but the A showed up where the holes were in our relationship and I am not sure if we can fix them. The whore of his was very much like him (I joked prior to knowing about hte PA that she WAS him, with long hair). So for me that fear is grounded in the fact that he found someone who shares those interests and is polar opposite of me. So maybe that is what he needs (although I feel that the two of them would have destroyed each other in about a month).

 

It is all soooo confusing. And mornings are the hardest time for me too!!!!