When do I suggest counseling?

[BetterMan]

Two months ago my wife of (just under) 20 years told me that she no longer loved me and that our marriage is over. I immediately said that I wanted us to go to a counselor but she said she doesn't want to try to work things out, that she was done.

 

I found a counselor for me, and also for the oldest of our two children and I to go to. A week after she moved out (she left the kids) she agreed to go to a counselor with me. In this session, when asked she said she was there to help me through this while my response was (and still is) that I want to work things out with her. After the one session she said she wanted to take a break from the counselor until after she finds one of her own, so we haven't been back.

 

In the time since she has continued to say she does not want to be married to me, now or ever. However, we have started doing things together; both with the family and just the two of us. When we do, things are wonderful. Basically we seem like a happy family, just without the physical and at the end she drives to where she is living now.

 

We don't really talk about "us". There are only brief conversations (Usually her telling me that she doesn't want me thinking we are getting back together, and me saying that I understand that is how she feels). I do not know if she is going to a counselor, or even if she is trying to find one. I want to find one for her and I to go to, and she knows this. Should I bring it up, or wait for her to? (Side note... she almost never initiates a conversation, be it about us or when she picks up the kids for her nights with them) I don't want to bring it up and scare her away, but I really want to go with her.

[wilsonx]

I kind of did not want to reply because I have no experience with marriage/separation/divorce but I do have life experience.

 

You know what you want, she knows what she wants, its clear as day. If you truly and I mean truly love her then you have to let her go. You can't change another person's mind especially if its that set in stone. If its too hard for you then I suggest real limited contact since you have kids. You can hope that one day she comes back to you but right now, I do not even see it as a passing thought for her.

[BetterMan]

Thanks Wilsonx,

 

Yeah, I understand the Set Them Free concept, but things are a bit different because we have two kids, age 8 and 16, who very much want the family back together. (Before she left there was no fighting and no signs that this was coming, so to them they went from a happy family to broken family in moments). I feel that, if for no other reason, we owe it to our children to try to work this out. As a father, I only want the best for my boys, and that is for their Mother and me to go to counseling. I just don't know when.

[drewsmom]

Hello betterman, its like ready my life when I read your story. my husband left me it would have been 2 yrs next january, I have no proof there was anyone he left me for but in april or may i found out he was seeing someone, he says she was a friend, which i dont believe. anyway, he always came around hung around called 50 times a day, mind you we were already in court going through the divorce. we went a yr and a half to court trying to settle it, he still came around all the time. we were civil to each other for our child and our own sanity, I pretty much said 2 weeks after he asked me for the divorce ok time to live my life as if i would without him, so I moved on with our son, we did everything we used to do before this happened, i didnt want my son to suffer, he was my number one priority and i had to be strong for him. he was my strength, he said to me one day mom you havent cooked a good dinner in a while, that did it, i was at the market that day and thats when I said f this, if he dont want to be here then its his loss. and i moved on.

 

 

 

 

I never asked him to come back, never. I wasnt about to be rejected a second time so I didnt bother, i mean if he wanted to be here he wouldnt have left and if i had to beg him then i didnt want him. I did that with an ex bf and we got back together only for him to leave again. I couldnt do that again, i didnt need the drama, my son didnt need me focusing on the ex and neglecting him, I wasnt about to be my exs mother during her divorce, she was so selfcentered crying for 2 yrs neglecting her sons, to the point that they all have issues from her divorce. it was all about her getting revenge on her ex so she was pretty much and absent mother. I think by me not laying around crying and begging it shocked my husband, thats what he seen growing up so he figured i would be the same way. hell no my son meant more to me than he did. anyway, so we stayed friendly with each other, i did my thing he did his.

 

 

 

I signed my son up for t ball this past spring, and we went to every game and sat together like friends. I had emergency surgery one day and he was there helping every day, he would pick me up for our sons games and we would even go to dinner afterwards. it was strange but kinda nice to be doing family things. he started coming by more and more asking to take son to play basketball and i never denied him more time with him, and it gave me a break also. my son and I would be going to watch a band at the local resuraunt and he would ask to come, so we hung out alot, but I still did my own thing going out with friends and all. he ended up needing surgery also for an accident that happened to him and i brought our son to the er to see him and he was greatful, but i thought it was only right he is his father. see he wasnt a very good father while we were together, i had a hard time with that, we had our son late in life and i think he couldnt handle it, the playing all the time and my world revolved around my son. i did everything with him alone because husband wasnt interested in doing these things, i resented him for that, i mean he was the one who came to me wanting to have a child after we discussed not having any because we liked our life the way it was.

 

 

 

he also owned his own business and sold it and worked for the people who bought it and after a few yrs they decided to move the company to ny so he was out of work, and having a company all your life to going without a job must really sting. he never had to work for anyone and it was hard for him to do this. im not making excuses for him he should have been a man and stepped up to his responsibilities instead of just giving up and walking out telling me he was bored. blah blah blah. so getting back to where we are now. this month(july) actually 3 weeks before our divorce would have been final he kept asking me to go to lunch alone with him, I kept giving him excuses why i couldnt, i just wasnt ready to hear anything he had to say, guess i was scared, so i blew him off for 2 weeks, he was practically begging me, telling me to have my sister babysit our son, my sister finally told me to go cause she was curious also. so i met him and he started talking about us i said there is no us in a week we will be divorced, we talked forever about things, he said he f ed up and never stopped loving me, asked if we could try to work on our marriage. we agreed to date for now, not tell our son anything until we were sure things would work. we have our own apartments with him having a 6 month lease and me a yr lease so were not living together right away, we need to take it slow and date again, we go out all the time as a family and as a couple and things are pretty good right now, we are still working on ourselves and issues we had.

 

 

 

I let him go and he came back to me. I have been with him for 20 yrs 10 of them married and I know him well and when he makes up his mind he usually sticks to it, we are both giving 110% or it wont work. i never would have guessed in a million yrs he would have came back as i said he usually sticks to what he does. besided he got his family so involved and his father is a big influence on him i thought for sure even if he wanted to come back he wouldnt because his father was so involved and there was alot of money involved, his dad has such an influence on him, if i said I liked something he would disagree but if his dad said he liked the same thing he would agree with him. it was bad, i did ask him what about his family and to my suprise he said he didnt care what anyone said they dont live his life. biggest shock of my life. so you need to let her go if she comes back then it was meant to be.

 

 

 

 

I was a stay at home mom still am for almost 9 yrs now, i didnt pay a bill, he did everything, i didnt even know how to balance a checkbook, he took care of everything, and i was scared to be on my own but you know what I did it and i can do it again if it dont work out. I was the whimpy wife, but this gave me strength and i am stronger than he even imagined. and he knows i can and will do it alone if i have to. so let her know you are moving on. some nites that you have plans to go out as a family tell her you would rather go with the kids alone. or if she asks to go to dinner with you alone make up an excuse so she wonders what your doing. be mysterious. if your always there for her she has no time to miss you.

[BetterMan]

DrewsMom - thank you so much. I am glad that things seem to be working out for you now, and that you both have become better people during this time.

 

When she dropped the bombshell on me it completely destroyed me. I liken it to a house being leveled down to the foundation. I decided then that it was time to rebuild myself the way I wanted to be. (Like most people, I had picked up traits over the years that I was not proud of) So, that is what I am doing. I am doing this me my boys, my family and friends, and myself. I hope that I am someone my wife will like, but will not change if I am not. That being said, I really believe that I am becoming more of someone she would fall in love with again if she gave a chance.

 

That being said, it gets back to not knowing if she has figured out the things she needs to before we can make anything work. Her main issue is that she avoids conflict. That is how we got to where we are, she avoided dealing with the little (or not so little) issues until it got to be too much and she just walked out. She needs to address that. For her, for our boys, for everyone. The problem is, both her parents (who divorced when she was still in diapers) have the same behavior. We've talked a bit, and she knows all this.

 

And, yes, I know that I need to give her the space to miss me. I am trying. It is so hard. I want to do things with the family. Do things with her. Just over a week ago we went through a stretch where we had dinner as a family three times over five nights, and her and I spent time alone having lunch one day and going wine tasting the next. She told me that she really, really likes that we can all hang out and have a nice time. So, I want to do that, but also give her space.

 

And, just because the boys split time between us, I see her every few days.

 

Argh... this is all so hard.

[sillysmart]

You are appearing to your wife as clueless. She is just saying she is not in love with you anymore without any further explanation? She met someone else and is involved with them. This is why everything seems so easy for her. She is hiding it! She feels guilty and this is why the family time. She may be in love with another man. You need to find out and let her know that you know. Then you must hold her accountable. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. She is keeping you on the burner while she decides to really leep to a new love! If you want to save your marriage you must act, find out the truth and act on it. Yes you may scare her away briefly but at least she will regain respect for you. She belongs to you and you have the right to know the truth you are her husband. Start with demanding the truth. Let her know you can handle it. Don't threaten anything but if she is having an affair then cut off all personal contact with her unless she is willing to move back in, cut off all ties with OM and then try counseling. I know it may seem as though I am jumping to conclusions but there is some reason for her actions. She just may be dating. But until you know the truth you do not have a chance to save your marriage.

[BetterMan]

SillySmart, thanks. The catalyst for her telling me she wanted out of the marriage is that one morning (actually 9 weeks ago today) I felt something wasn't right and opened her computer. There I saw an email that (without getting into details) told me that she had made an emotional attachment to another man. I immediately went into our bedroom and asked her what was up. She told me that our marriage, in her mind, is over. I told her that morning, and since, that we can get past this indiscretion.

She has never actually met this guy. He lives in Chicago, and we live in California. In the time since, she says that it is over with him, and that they are not in contact anymore. I have to trust her, though that at times is hard. I do feel that her guilt from this is one of the factors keeping her away. Also, that in her mind she is questioning how she could have made this leap.

I don't know the details, but I have a general idea how it happened. This mofo was trolling the internet. I can see this by his comments on his Flickr page. My wife had a blog, and one day a couple years ago this guy started following her blog. Then commenting. Conversations occurred in the comment field. At some point they became contacts on each other's Flickr page. Comments turned to emails, and it seemed she had found a good friend. I support her having good, genuine friends. He is (was) married also, and several times my wife asked if it was ok they communicated. Last summer on a family road trip, we even almost pulled over to meet him and his wife. Anyway, when my wife started feeling lonely, he jumped in and took advantage. Things escalated, and she felt like she was close to him.

Anyway, they never met, and I have every reason to believe it's over. But, yeah, I think part of this is her now knowing how to react to what she did. This has caused him and his wife to split also. My wife has always detested straying spouses, and now she is the worst kind. This is why I want to go to counseling... to talk this stuff through.

An added bit.. our children know all about this guy, but have no idea what has happened, and that he was the reason/catalyst for the split.

[BetterMan]

Looks like you are new, and seem to have some good insight. Would you share a bit of what brings you to these boards?