PhillyDude Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I've done this a couple of times. I'll go with "why not?" Because I could be emailing a transsexual
oaks Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Because I could be emailing a transsexual Ahh! Well, I haven't (knowingly) dated anyone who wasn't always a woman, and my paranoia isn't as high as yours.
zengirl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Even 3 or 4 could be considered by some to be too much. A couple of Emails before the first meeting should be enough. People are anxious to meet others. They don't want to waste time Emailing back and forth. That's what I have been told by both men and women who do online dating websites. I prefer to message a bit more than that. Anything less than 4 messages and I'm not meeting, generally, unless I have some social real-life data points in common with the guy. Most guys I've met, I've messaged them 5-20 times. My last exBF was the long exception (messaged for months b/c of different continents). My current BF. . . we messaged for about three weeks, every other day. I've done this a couple of times. I'll go with "why not?" I almost never talk on the phone first. I hate talking on the phone, particularly with people I don't know. Email then either text or meet. If a guy wants a phone call, I generally decline. I've never had a guy bothered by the fact that I prefer texting to calls, though, as most men do as well. Later, in actual relationships, I have had men skeptical and think I'm "just saying" I don't want to talk on the phone with them, like it's some kind of new girl trick to look like a cool girlfriend, but it's really just: talking on the phone hurts my ear and makes it all sweaty. Yuck. Texting FTW.
KathyM Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I don't know. I usually shoot for women more or less as attractive as me. I tend to focus more on common interests/common values and lifestyles. Someone who says on their profile that they're into clubbing and partying and they hate reading is not someone that I'm interested in, regardless of how they look. I think some people just aren't made for online dating or perhaps if you struggle with regular dating you're also just as likely to struggle with online dating. It's hard to say why you aren't having any success with it without seeing your profile, picture or your approach with women. You might want to consider consulting a dating coach, and he will give you some ideas and suggestions on things you could change or things you could try that would improve your results. You should also be looking at several other ways to meet women, apart from online dating. Get involved in a lot of activities, groups, organizations, church (if you are so inclined), and work on your approach to women you may come across just out in public. My husband, when he was single, was very good at striking up a conversation with women he'd meet and talking his way into getting a phone number. That's a skill you can work on. There are a lot of books and internet articles on the subject that you may want to read. The more you expand your avenues of meeting women, and the more you expand the type of women you are interested in meeting, the more success you will have, assuming there's not something really negative about you (in which case, consulting a dating coach would be the answer for that).
PhillyDude Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I prefer to message a bit more than that. Anything less than 4 messages and I'm not meeting, generally, unless I have some social real-life data points in common with the guy. Most guys I've met, I've messaged them 5-20 times. My last exBF was the long exception (messaged for months b/c of different continents). My current BF. . . we messaged for about three weeks, every other day. I almost never talk on the phone first. I hate talking on the phone, particularly with people I don't know. Email then either text or meet. If a guy wants a phone call, I generally decline. I've never had a guy bothered by the fact that I prefer texting to calls, though, as most men do as well. Later, in actual relationships, I have had men skeptical and think I'm "just saying" I don't want to talk on the phone with them, like it's some kind of new girl trick to look like a cool girlfriend, but it's really just: talking on the phone hurts my ear and makes it all sweaty. Yuck. Texting FTW. Sounds ,like you need a new phone
zengirl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Sounds ,like you need a new phone This is any phone. I hate having things near/against my ear (headsets too). I think it's more likely I need a new ear.
oaks Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 This is any phone. I hate having things near/against my ear (headsets too). I think it's more likely I need a new ear. Put it on speaker!
KathyM Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 KathyM, I think you're forgetting that everybody is different. I wouldn't want to waste time, money and effort getting dressed up and going out to meet a date who I then discovered I couldn't have a decent conversation with......and the only way to determine if you can have a decent conversation is by email, messaging or phone.....preferably at least 3 or 4 times. So what 'you've been told' doesn't apply to all. Fair enough. But by the same token, people don't want to spend a lot of time Emailing back and forth, only to find out on the first date that there is no chemistry, or that the person misrepresented themselves, or that they are just a dud in person. I think most people prefer to meet early on rather than engage in a lot of Email exchanges.
zengirl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 On the other hand, you want 5-20 messages over weeks which will take many hours. That's stringing someone along that you may not even meet. Any guy I've messaged more than a couple times, I've definitely been up for meeting unless some incompatibility arose through the messages, the guy stopped messaging, or he rushed me to meet too soon. So I'm not big into leading him on. I just think it takes several weeks to get comfortable with the idea of really meeting someone. That said, my profile always said, I was only looking for a solid LTR with a strong foundation. That's what I think I got!
PhillyDude Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Why are some females get so paranoid when I offer my number for them to call me? What do they think I'm going to come through the phone? They prefer to IM for a while rather than talking on the phone.
KathyM Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I'm not going to send out generic emails. It doesn't matter anyway. I'm done with dating. Don't lose hope, guy. As the saying goes, there is someone for everyone. You just have to get yourself out there and expand your field. But I would also recommend the dating coach, in case there is something that needs to be done to improve your chances.
Disillusioned Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 To the OP: Abandon OLD ASAP. It's a waste of effort. Concentrate on working on yourself instead: become an alpha (chick magnet) and don't chase women AT ALL. If you get rich and you're good looking, you'll be fighting from a positon of strength. Then you can be the prize they'll never hook. The ball will be in your court.
KathyM Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Why are some females get so paranoid when I offer my number for them to call me? What do they think I'm going to come through the phone? They prefer to IM for a while rather than talking on the phone. I would suggest not offering them your number. Most women want to be pursued, they don't want to have to be the pursuer. My sister does a lot of online dating, and if a guy offers her his number, she will rarely, if ever, call them. She thinks it's too aggressive for a woman to be the pursuer early on. After the initial short friendly Email, when you get a response, then suggest meeting somewhere (like a coffee shop) and ask for her phone number. Then make the date.
PhillyDude Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I would suggest not offering them your number. Most women want to be pursued, they don't want to have to be the pursuer. My sister does a lot of online dating, and if a guy offers her his number, she will rarely, if ever, call them. She thinks it's too aggressive for a woman to be the pursuer early on. After the initial short friendly Email, when you get a response, then suggest meeting somewhere (like a coffee shop) and ask for her phone number. Then make the date. The purpose of me offering my number was because so many women don't feel comfortable offering their number
KathyM Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 To the OP: Abandon OLD ASAP. It's a waste of effort. Concentrate on working on yourself instead: become an alpha (chick magnet) and don't chase women AT ALL. If you get rich and you're good looking, you'll be fighting from a positon of strength. Then you can be the prize they'll never hook. The ball will be in your court. Working to improve yourself is a good plan, but I wouldn't suggest taking yourself off the market in the meantime. If you don't pursue women, you're probably not going to end up with anyone. Most women want to be pursued, but are not comfortable with pursuing a guy. If you don't make the effort, you won't get the prize.
KathyM Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 The purpose of me offering my number was because so many women don't feel comfortable offering their number If they are reluctant to offer their number, then try to arrange the date online to meet. But I would suggest asking for the number first. Don't assume they don't want to give it. Some will give it, some won't.
PhillyDude Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 If they are reluctant to offer their number, then try to arrange the date online to meet. But I would suggest asking for the number first. Don't assume they don't want to give it. Some will give it, some won't. I already stated I don't go anywhere until I put a voice to the face.
KathyM Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I already stated I don't go anywhere until I put a voice to the face. Don't be too rigid about that. Some women, understandably, are reluctant to give out their number, because if the guy turns out to be a loser, she doesn't want the hassle of being bugged with phone calls from him. Some guys will not let a relationship go and will not take no for an answer, and end up making pests of themselves. If she doesn't want to give her phone number early on, then you should accept that, and arrange to meet through an Email. When she's comfortable enough with you after a couple of dates, she'll most likely give out her number. But I would suggest asking for it right off the bat.
zengirl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Why are some females get so paranoid when I offer my number for them to call me? What do they think I'm going to come through the phone? They prefer to IM for a while rather than talking on the phone. Maybe they're like me and think it's awkward to talk on the phone with a complete stranger? I'm not "scared" of it. I just find it tedious and I know it'd make me like a guy much, much less. Doesn't seem conducive to finding love.
PhillyDude Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Don't be too rigid about that. Some women, understandably, are reluctant to give out their number, because if the guy turns out to be a loser, she doesn't want the hassle of being bugged with phone calls from him. Some guys will not let a relationship go and will not take no for an answer, and end up making pests of themselves. If she doesn't want to give her phone number early on, then you should accept that, and arrange to meet through an Email. When she's comfortable enough with you after a couple of dates, she'll most likely give out her number. But I would suggest asking for it right off the bat. And I have to worry about meeting someone who wasn't nothing like their photo, like a transexxual. So I like to confirm that it's not a transexual over the phone because I can tell instantly from the voice.
zengirl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 And I have to worry about meeting someone who wasn't nothing like their photo, like a transexxual. So I like to confirm that it's not a transexual over the phone because I can tell instantly from the voice. That's quite a bit of paranoia. Plus worst comes to worst when you meet, if the person was obviously dishonest about who they are, you're meeting in a big public place, and you tell them, "You posted a fake profile" and leave immediately. I think that's warranted if a transexual tricks you into thinking she's a woman. I've met many guys from online, without hearing their voices, and they were all the guys from their profiles. There was a time someone had gained enough weight that I felt it dishonest (we're talking like enough to go from Slim/Average to Definitively Chubby/Downright Obese). But it was still the same guy. And that was once out of plenty of online dates. (And I called him on it.)
dispatch3d Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 It could be that the popularity of the thing is going up. As popularity increases, I'd expect way more guys to join the site than girls. So it's possible girls are getting flooded with more messages now than when you were on previously. That seems like the most reasonable answer - afterall you said 2 years ago you had a better response rate. It could be that you remember the past different than it actually happened (this is generally true).
KathyM Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 And I have to worry about meeting someone who wasn't nothing like their photo, like a transexxual. So I like to confirm that it's not a transexual over the phone because I can tell instantly from the voice. Do you have a lot of experience with transexuals? lol. Seriously, some women have low pitched voices, but are very beautiful women. And they have good reason for not giving out their phone number with every guy they are considering meeting. Just ask for it, and if she's reluctant, use the Email to arrange the date.
irc333 Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Then that woman shouldn't even be online dating. Don't be too rigid about that. Some women, understandably, are reluctant to give out their number, because if the guy turns out to be a loser, she doesn't want the hassle of being bugged with phone calls from him. Some guys will not let a relationship go and will not take no for an answer, and end up making pests of themselves. If she doesn't want to give her phone number early on, then you should accept that, and arrange to meet through an Email. When she's comfortable enough with you after a couple of dates, she'll most likely give out her number. But I would suggest asking for it right off the bat.
PhillyDude Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Do you have a lot of experience with transexuals? lol. Seriously, some women have low pitched voices, but are very beautiful women. And they have good reason for not giving out their phone number with every guy they are considering meeting. Just ask for it, and if she's reluctant, use the Email to arrange the date. Yup about 5 years experience of talking to them on a free chat line. That line helped me detect them on regular dating sites.
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