LittleTiger Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I just don't get it and have had enough. People have told me time after time to send personalized emails which I do every time. Now two women on here have essentially said just send generic emails. It's astounding that this is what some people respond to. Well I would never respond to an email like that, but then I would never send a 'kiss' to a guy I didn't know on the internet! Like attracts like.
PhillyDude Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I've done online dating for a quite a while and I've had a couple relationships result from them. I used match.com for a full year, but my last relationship I found her on OKCupid. I just recently started making an effort on OKCupid and I'm disappointed with the results. I've had many review my profile, I've tweaked it a couple times, I have good pictures, people have told me I'm fairly attractive (though I'm not tall, only 5'8"). I read their profiles, I send emails commenting on specific things the women mentioned, I point out common interests, and I ask them a few questions about themselves. I've sent out about 50 emails in the last couple weeks to women that I was rated 80% match or higher with and I only got 1 response, in which she didn't respond to my second email. I'm really ready to just give it up. I won't go back to paying money for this as I just feel like it's not worth it. I remember online dating being hard and I know women get a lot of emails, but I don't remember getting ZERO possibilities from it like I am now. What are your thoughts? Should I just walk away and give it up? I've been meeting people outside of the online dating world and got a couple phone numbers but they never returned my call either so I deleted them. I know it's a numbers game and I should just keep at it, but I have to admit: it's getting really hard to stay optimistic. I don't remember ever having so much trouble before. Keys to Online success 1. Find a good picture of you 2. Only use one picture of yourself 3. Find the right dating site
delilah123 Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Well I would never respond to an email like that, but then I would never send a 'kiss' to a guy I didn't know on the internet! Like attracts like. What are you on about. A kiss on rsvp is template message, so I sent him a template message that reads "I'd like to get to know you, would you be interested?" I'm confused by what you mean, like attracts like? I attracted a guy whose message I found informal, not try hard and friendly? Good for me?
LittleTiger Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 What are you on about. A kiss on rsvp is template message, so I sent him a template message that reads "I'd like to get to know you, would you be interested?" I'm confused by what you mean, like attracts like? I attracted a guy whose message I found informal, not try hard and friendly? Good for me? Ah ok, a 'kiss' on the website I used was a 'kiss', although I have to say I'm not a fan of template messaging either - it's too 'easy' in my opinion. Yes, 'like attracts like' means that the way we choose to communicate with someone on a dating site will attract someone who chooses to communicate in the same way - which is obviously a good thing. So you like short messages, sent a template and got back a short message - just as you prefer. Which is a good start for both of you. The OP however, isn't like you (and neither am I). He obviously likes to make it a bit more personal when contacting someone and will therefore attract women who are the same. So 'like attracts like'. We're all different and it's all about finding someone compatible. If I got a template message, to me it would mean he couldn't be bothered making the effort, to you it means he's being informal and not trying too hard. That's why it's impossible to give generic advice about online dating.
PhillyDude Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Template messages shows you are lazy and didn't feel like actually responding and taking the initiative to show your interested. I wouldn't of given you the time of day, personally. When you are on a site with thousands of people a initial flirt makes sense
oaks Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 That's why it's impossible to give generic advice about online dating. Yup. In a few threads in this forum in the last few days we've learned that template messages do/don't work (together with winks, kisses, flirts and pokes which are great/creepy), that referencing the other person's profile to show that you've read it is a good/bad idea, that crafting individual messages for each person you write to works / doesn't work and is/isn't a waste of time, that writing about yourself is a good/bad idea and that keeping your message really short makes you seem a loser / a really great communicator, that drawing attention to common interests is good / insulting to the reading comprehension abilities of the other person. You should/shouldn't ask people a second time if they ignored you the first time. It's also important to be yourself, except also to fake it until you make it. I think we agreed that you should have a photo, but we didn't agree about having more than one. No wonder people get the idea that online dating is hard!
PhillyDude Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Yup. In a few threads in this forum in the last few days we've learned that template messages do/don't work (together with winks, kisses, flirts and pokes which are great/creepy), that referencing the other person's profile to show that you've read it is a good/bad idea, that crafting individual messages for each person you write to works / doesn't work and is/isn't a waste of time, that writing about yourself is a good/bad idea and that keeping your message really short makes you seem a loser / a really great communicator, that drawing attention to common interests is good / insulting to the reading comprehension abilities of the other person. You should/shouldn't ask people a second time if they ignored you the first time. It's also important to be yourself, except also to fake it until you make it. I think we agreed that you should have a photo, but we didn't agree about having more than one. No wonder people get the idea that online dating is hard! So why is WINKING accepted in public but not online dating?
oaks Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 So why is WINKING accepted in public but not online dating? Because in real life it happens in an instant and online it (and the sender's profile) gets analysed over and over and over.
PhillyDude Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Because in real life it happens in an instant and online it (and the sender's profile) gets analysed over and over and over. Doesn't it make sense to send a flirt first to a girl to see if she is attracted to you? Instead of writing a paragraph and not getting a response back?
oaks Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Doesn't it make sense to send a flirt first to a girl to see if she is attracted to you? Instead of writing a paragraph and not getting a response back? Within 10 posts the answer will be both yes and no with a rationale for each.
Queen Zenobia Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Yup. In a few threads in this forum in the last few days we've learned that template messages do/don't work (together with winks, kisses, flirts and pokes which are great/creepy), that referencing the other person's profile to show that you've read it is a good/bad idea, that crafting individual messages for each person you write to works / doesn't work and is/isn't a waste of time, that writing about yourself is a good/bad idea and that keeping your message really short makes you seem a loser / a really great communicator, that drawing attention to common interests is good / insulting to the reading comprehension abilities of the other person. You should/shouldn't ask people a second time if they ignored you the first time. It's also important to be yourself, except also to fake it until you make it. I think we agreed that you should have a photo, but we didn't agree about having more than one. No wonder people get the idea that online dating is hard! It sounds hard. I wonder why so many people choose to participate in it then...
LittleTiger Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 It sounds hard. I wonder why so many people choose to participate in it then... It's not hard, it's easy! Universal rule (applies to all dating) - "Be Yourself" If anybody has trouble 'being themselves' then they shouldn't participate in any sort of dating at all.
KathyM Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 The email you wrote sounds generic and could be written without even reading her profile. I could cut and paste that many times and email many women with that, but there's no way I'd do that. I'm not going to be cool in an email either becuase that's not how I am. I'll never understand this mystery thing either, though whatever it is I never had it and may never have it. Guys can pretend to be somebody they're not, but how is that going to work out? You can cross guys like me off your list. I'm not suggesting that guys pretend to be something that they are not. On the contrary, I've suggested on another thread that guys should make sure they are honest in their profile, about their age, their height, their size, etc. Nothing screws up a potential relationship like finding out on the first date that the guy is much older than he claims on his profile, or much shorter. But I am suggesting that you guys may want to consider changing your approach. From the women I've talked to that have a lot of experience on dating websites, they don't want long drawn out Emails. They prefer the short and friendly Emails that don't go into great detail. The goal is to date the person, and women are not interested in going into extensive Emailing beforehand. In fact, a guy I know says women gave up on him because he got into the Email zone and they said point blank they're not looking for a pen pal, they're interested in meeting someone. So that's the feedback I'm giving you, based on what others that frequent the dating websites have said. They respond to the Email if they like your picture and your profile. They suggest a short, friendly, more generic first Email, and are more interested in going out with the person soon afterwards, not get stuck in lengthy in depth Emails beforehand. Your profile gives them all the information they need to make a determination if you are their type. Just make sure your profile and picture are flattering.
PhillyDude Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I'm not suggesting that guys pretend to be something that they are not. On the contrary, I've suggested on another thread that guys should make sure they are honest in their profile, about their age, their height, their size, etc. Nothing screws up a potential relationship like finding out on the first date that the guy is much older than he claims on his profile, or much shorter. But I am suggesting that you guys may want to consider changing your approach. From the women I've talked to that have a lot of experience on dating websites, they don't want long drawn out Emails. They prefer the short and friendly Emails that don't go into great detail. The goal is to date the person, and women are not interested in going into extensive Emailing beforehand. In fact, a guy I know says women gave up on him because he got into the Email zone and they said point blank they're not looking for a pen pal, they're interested in meeting someone. So that's the feedback I'm giving you, based on what others that frequent the dating websites have said. They respond to the Email if they like your picture and your profile. They suggest a short, friendly, more generic first Email, and are more interested in going out with the person soon afterwards, not get stuck in lengthy in depth Emails beforehand. Your profile gives them all the information they need to make a determination if you are their type. Just make sure your profile and picture are flattering. Well a email is supposed to lead to a phone conversation. I don't email too long, I send about 3 or 4 and then sending my phone number.
Queen Zenobia Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 It's not hard, it's easy! Universal rule (applies to all dating) - "Be Yourself" If anybody has trouble 'being themselves' then they shouldn't participate in any sort of dating at all. Well I've never used online dating (and hopefully never will) so I have no idea what it's like. But given the amount of threads on this site depicting people's routine struggles with it, one does get the impression that it's an awful amount of hassle. Again, I don't know whether or not this is truly the case, I'm just judging based on what others have written.
zengirl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Don't count on girls who reply selectively messaging you back. It doesn't hurt to try with them, but seriously, they probably respond to hardly anyone. I've been on your side of things before. I'm bisexual, so I've hit on women and while it doesn't hurt to message the ones who are very selective, just don't be upset when you get no response from them because that's very likely to happen. I actually almost always had the red "Replies Very Selectively" think on my OKC profile even though I wrote back (at least "No thank you") to almost every legitimate guy in my age range/area that messaged me with something more than "Hi, what's up?" (and put nothing crude in the email) when I was on there. So, it really depends on the amount of complete B.S. she's getting. I think it also depends on your speed in writing back. I often took a couple days, and this is not about whether I liked the guy or not. So, I wouldn't go by those mechanics too much, really.
KathyM Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Well a email is supposed to lead to a phone conversation. I don't email too long, I send about 3 or 4 and then sending my phone number. Even 3 or 4 could be considered by some to be too much. A couple of Emails before the first meeting should be enough. People are anxious to meet others. They don't want to waste time Emailing back and forth. That's what I have been told by both men and women who do online dating websites.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I actually almost always had the red "Replies Very Selectively" think on my OKC profile even though I wrote back (at least "No thank you") to almost every legitimate guy in my age range/area that messaged me with something more than "Hi, what's up?" (and put nothing crude in the email) when I was on there. So, it really depends on the amount of complete B.S. she's getting. I think it also depends on your speed in writing back. I often took a couple days, and this is not about whether I liked the guy or not. So, I wouldn't go by those mechanics too much, really. That's pretty much how I looked at it. I mean I'm sure it's a somewhat useful metric in that if I see it say "replies very selectively" I'm not going to be too surprised if she doesn't message back, but at the same time I'm not going to let her reply status deter me from messaging either. In fact almost all of the women in my match searches have "replies selectively" or higher. So there's really no way around it. Even 3 or 4 could be considered by some to be too much. A couple of Emails before the first meeting should be enough. People are anxious to meet others. They don't want to waste time Emailing back and forth. That's what I have been told by both men and women who do online dating websites. On this I agree. By the second or third email I ask to meet up. Of course I've only very rarely gotten even a first email back but the one time I did get an exchange going I asked to meet up on the third email. On some of the other stuff you said in this thread though I disagree. But to each their own I suppose.
KathyM Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Well I've never used online dating (and hopefully never will) so I have no idea what it's like. But given the amount of threads on this site depicting people's routine struggles with it, one does get the impression that it's an awful amount of hassle. Again, I don't know whether or not this is truly the case, I'm just judging based on what others have written. Online dating can be very successful if you have realistic expectations. A male friend of mine met his wife on EHarmoney. My neice met her long term boyfriend on Match.com. It does work for some. I think the people it doesn't work out for either have expectations that are too high for what they have to offer, or too high in general. If an Average Joe is looking for a very attractive woman on there, he's not going to get a lot of results. A woman who is looking for Mr. Perfect on there, is likely not going to have much success either. Realistic expectations and a flattering profile and good approach with others is likely to get some results.
PhillyDude Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Even 3 or 4 could be considered by some to be too much. A couple of Emails before the first meeting should be enough. People are anxious to meet others. They don't want to waste time Emailing back and forth. That's what I have been told by both men and women who do online dating websites. Why would anyone meet someone online face to face without talking to them on the phone first????????????
KathyM Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Why would anyone meet someone online face to face without talking to them on the phone first????????????[/quote] They should talk to them on the phone first before going out on a date, but it's a mistake to get caught up in too many Emails beforehand. Or too long drawn out Emails. That's the feedback I'm giving here.
PhillyDude Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Why would anyone meet someone online face to face without talking to them on the phone first????????????[/quote] They should talk to them on the phone first before going out on a date, but it's a mistake to get caught up in too many Emails beforehand. Or too long drawn out Emails. That's the feedback I'm giving here. Oh ok, I thought you meant just going out to meet someone from just chatting on email only.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Online dating can be very successful if you have realistic expectations. A male friend of mine met his wife on EHarmoney. My neice met her long term boyfriend on Match.com. It does work for some. I think the people it doesn't work out for either have expectations that are too high for what they have to offer, or too high in general. If an Average Joe is looking for a very attractive woman on there, he's not going to get a lot of results. A woman who is looking for Mr. Perfect on there, is likely not going to have much success either. Realistic expectations and a flattering profile and good approach with others is likely to get some results. I don't know. I usually shoot for women more or less as attractive as me. I tend to focus more on common interests/common values and lifestyles. Someone who says on their profile that they're into clubbing and partying and they hate reading is not someone that I'm interested in, regardless of how they look. I think some people just aren't made for online dating or perhaps if you struggle with regular dating you're also just as likely to struggle with online dating.
oaks Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Why would anyone meet someone online face to face without talking to them on the phone first???????????? I've done this a couple of times. I'll go with "why not?"
LittleTiger Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Even 3 or 4 could be considered by some to be too much. A couple of Emails before the first meeting should be enough. People are anxious to meet others. They don't want to waste time Emailing back and forth. That's what I have been told by both men and women who do online dating websites. KathyM, I think you're forgetting that everybody is different. I wouldn't want to waste time, money and effort getting dressed up and going out to meet a date who I then discovered I couldn't have a decent conversation with......and the only way to determine if you can have a decent conversation is by email, messaging or phone.....preferably at least 3 or 4 times. So what 'you've been told' doesn't apply to all.
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