Imajerk17 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) Very silly advice, on the emoticons No offense, but if you're going to dig THAT deep into interpreting emoticons as you did....you need to get out more. LOL Keep using your emoticons per normal, because they really don't matter much. Sometimes I don't even notice that they are there when someone sends me an email. Or if someone READS into emoticons in such a manner, they need to get out more, too. And we all know what a "ladies' man" irc333 is! GivenUp, you can either take the advice of everyone who says you're doing great (even though you're not getting results) and believe it's just the women you keep emailing, or you can take the advice of a guy who has had some success. Although, grkboy gave some really good advice. Your email isn't horrible, it just blends into the other 30 or 50 this girl got that day. So the likelihood of her responding is somewhere between 1 in 30 and 1 in 50. And while we are at it, don't "LOL" in your emails either. Who taught guys to write like that? Edited July 25, 2011 by Imajerk17
antinko Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 To be frank, I don't think e-mails really matter all that much. I know it sounds shallow, but I think it's the picture and 'real time' communication after that. Personally, when I tried online dating, I decided that I wanted to get the online part out of the way as soon as possible. I even said as much during initial e-mails to girls, and it actually worked. My reason being that too many people I know try to form a relationship online dragging out the online interaction, but then upon meeting IRL, they find themselves at square one (or worse) because both people have formed unrealistic views of who the person on the other end of the wire is. In addition, pay little attention to the photos too: the amount of girls I've met who looked very different in reality to how they did in their picture (usually because the pictures were a 'few' years old...) is quite interesting. I know I might sound a bit cynical, but the point is that you're ultimately trying to form a real life relationship with another person. My advice is to just be honest, direct and succinct.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 Although, grkboy gave some really good advice. Your email isn't horrible, it just blends into the other 30 or 50 this girl got that day. So the likelihood of her responding is somewhere between 1 in 30 and 1 in 50. And while we are at it, don't "LOL" in your emails either. Who taught guys to write like that? I guess you make a good point about differentiating yourself. And no, I don't use LOL in my emails, but thank you for the suggestion. To be frank, I don't think e-mails really matter all that much. I know it sounds shallow, but I think it's the picture and 'real time' communication after that. Personally, when I tried online dating, I decided that I wanted to get the online part out of the way as soon as possible. I even said as much during initial e-mails to girls, and it actually worked. My reason being that too many people I know try to form a relationship online dragging out the online interaction, but then upon meeting IRL, they find themselves at square one (or worse) because both people have formed unrealistic views of who the person on the other end of the wire is. In addition, pay little attention to the photos too: the amount of girls I've met who looked very different in reality to how they did in their picture (usually because the pictures were a 'few' years old...) is quite interesting. I know I might sound a bit cynical, but the point is that you're ultimately trying to form a real life relationship with another person. My advice is to just be honest, direct and succinct. I've had success in the past, but I just can't seem to get a date now. I look better, further in my career, and improved myself in many ways than when I online dated before and now it seems even harder to find a decent date. But I understand what you're saying, maybe I should take the game out of it, just be straight up and honest and tell them I'm interested in meeting them in person. I do prefer to get to know them a little bit via emails or phone first as my best relationships started out that way, but whatever, I don't mind meeting people right away either.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Are you sure that you guys are messaging girls that are still active? And if you are using okcupid . . . . . are you messaging girls who hardly ever respond or ones that respond to most messages? (I know they exist because when I was on okcupid, I was one of them.) And are you sure these girls are in your league?
KathyM Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I'd say typically I write something like this: "Hey, how was Atlas Shrugged? (she mentioned it as a book she read recently) I've been wanting to read it but I'm working on two different books right now and I want to finish those before I start 1000 page book like Atlas. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the book as I've heard many good things. I feel we have a bit in common, especially about playing sports with friends and being active. I haven't been snowboarding in a while due to knee surgery a year ago, but I'm looking forward to some ski trips with friends this coming winter. What's the best place you've been snowboarding? I notice you like to golf, can you teach someone how to golf without ruining their baseball swing? ;-)" Your Email comes across as a bit boring. Sorry. I don't think it's wise to start talking in depth about books you've read right off the bat. Way too early for that, and it gives people a sense that you are a very serious guy. You need to project an image of someone that is fun to be with. Someone that is mysterious, where they would be interested in meeting you, and don't get the whole essence of you from a couple of Emails. I'd suggest saying something like: "Hi. You sound like a very interesting woman. Someone I would enjoy meeting. I think we have a lot in common, since I'm also interested in sports and reading a good book. Email me if you'd be interested in talking further. I'd like to get to know you." (Or something along those lines). To me, that would be a good start. You go into too much detail in a first Email, and it doesn't put you in the best light. Also, not a good idea to talk about your injuries or health issues in a first Email. You ask too many questions. Be a little cool. A little mysterious. So she'll be interested in getting to know you. That would be my suggestion.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Your Email comes across as a bit boring. Sorry. I don't think it's wise to start talking in depth about books you've read right off the bat. Way too early for that, and it gives people a sense that you are a very serious guy. You need to project an image of someone that is fun to be with. Someone that is mysterious, where they would be interested in meeting you, and don't get the whole essence of you from a couple of Emails. I'd suggest saying something like: "Hi. You sound like a very interesting woman. Someone I would enjoy meeting. I think we have a lot in common, since I'm also interested in sports and reading a good book. Email me if you'd be interested in talking further. I'd like to get to know you." (Or something along those lines). To me, that would be a good start. You go into too much detail in a first Email, and it doesn't put you in the best light. Also, not a good idea to talk about your injuries or health issues in a first Email. You ask too many questions. Be a little cool. A little mysterious. So she'll be interested in getting to know you. That would be my suggestion. Well I mean if she mentioned it in her profile wouldn't she think that it's an important enough topic for him to mention in a message to her? Perhaps I'm completely delusional but if you say "I like x" or "I just read x book" or "I just got back from traveling to x country" doesn't it make sense that it would be a subject to talk about?
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Are you sure that you guys are messaging girls that are still active? And if you are using okcupid . . . . . are you messaging girls who hardly ever respond or ones that respond to most messages? (I know they exist because when I was on okcupid, I was one of them.) And are you sure these girls are in your league? I don't message girls that aren't active, they range from "replies frequently" to "replies very selectively" which is a misleading label anyway because if they're ignoring the messages that say "hey what's up" then they're probably at least somewhat selective. And as far as whether they're in my league, I usually have someone independently verify that I wasn't unreasonable in who I was shooting for. Maybe they were being dishonest but I wasn't aiming for supermodels I know that much.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Well I mean if she mentioned it in her profile wouldn't she think that it's an important enough topic for him to mention in a message to her? Perhaps I'm completely delusional but if you say "I like x" or "I just read x book" or "I just got back from traveling to x country" doesn't it make sense that it would be a subject to talk about? It does make sense.
azsinglegal Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I've never had any good luck with online dating. I like to meet people quickly as emailing can go on forever. Most of the men I've met were either cheating on their wives/girlfriends or not interested in anything long term. Then some of them I talked to wanted to email forever and never actually meet. One guy wanted to txt me constantly but never wanted to actually meet me. After 2 months of that I told him to never talk to me again because it seemed to me he was "keeping me in the wings" while he dated someone else. I guess you could say I have a fairly negative attitude towards online dating and I don't know anyone it's ever worked out for.
LittleTiger Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I PM'd you my profile name. I'm 28 years old, I'm willing to date someone within 5 years of my age (younger or older), but I'm open minded if there's a really good connection. The problem, is I don't get responses, so it's not like I have to be flexible because there's nothing to work with, lol I've PM'd you. Hope it helps.
Imajerk17 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Your Email comes across as a bit boring. Sorry. I don't think it's wise to start talking in depth about books you've read right off the bat. Way too early for that, and it gives people a sense that you are a very serious guy. You need to project an image of someone that is fun to be with. Someone that is mysterious, where they would be interested in meeting you, and don't get the whole essence of you from a couple of Emails. I'd suggest saying something like: "Hi. You sound like a very interesting woman. Someone I would enjoy meeting. I think we have a lot in common, since I'm also interested in sports and reading a good book. Email me if you'd be interested in talking further. I'd like to get to know you." (Or something along those lines). To me, that would be a good start. You go into too much detail in a first Email, and it doesn't put you in the best light. Also, not a good idea to talk about your injuries or health issues in a first Email. You ask too many questions. Be a little cool. A little mysterious. So she'll be interested in getting to know you. That would be my suggestion. You were blunt with me too. Kathy, I like how you give it to us straight.
KathyM Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Well I mean if she mentioned it in her profile wouldn't she think that it's an important enough topic for him to mention in a message to her? Perhaps I'm completely delusional but if you say "I like x" or "I just read x book" or "I just got back from traveling to x country" doesn't it make sense that it would be a subject to talk about? Yes, it would be a subject to talk about in future dates where you have the time to discuss those things more in depth. But to put them in the first couple of Emails is not a good plan, IMO. I think it's best to project an image of someone that is interested in doing fun things. The goal is to get the date. Too long, drawn out Emails discussing topics in depth to begin with is not a good plan. That is something to be done in measured doses over time on dates. People tend to get bored with someone that is too serious right from the start.
antinko Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 An example of an e-mail I'd send: Hey there, I read your profile and you seem very appealing. I particularly like the fact that (insert specific information here) because (insert reason which is honest and relevant to you here). I like your picture too - you're an attractive lady. (smiley optional) Anyway, I'm obviously interested in you. I don't have much faith in the whole 'online thing', though, (tweak formality as appropriate to audience) so I'd be happy to arrange a meet up if you like such as at (insert location here) which I believe is easily accessible to us both. ________ or something like that. In truth, I tend to respond to e-mails from interested females and send few myself, but the above approach has worked. Basically, you just have to try and work out your audience. I follow the following procedure when writing the email: 1. Read female's profile first. Ensure that you a. like the girl and b. she lives fairly close (easy to find out on Match.com anyway - I won't date anyone further than 20 miles away from where I live. Anything further is long distance to me). 2. Obviously show that you've read their profile. I try to comment on something we both have in common which seems to strike me as important to them. If I am unable to achieve this, then I won't bother with the e-mail. 3. Keep compliments direct but not over the top. I believe there's something to be said for understatement. 4. Get to the point with what you'd like to see happening in the last paragraph. My view is that decisions on basic attraction are made very quickly and women like confidence. In my case, I like to think that the women I'll attract and have most success with will also find online dating a bit tedious like I do. In my experience, women I've dated tended to be conscious of the silly stigma surrounding online dating, so I think this approach kind of diminishes it a bit. The beauty of this approach is that I think you save yourself a lot of time and it shows you're a real human being with a life who has things to do. It is largely a numbers game and you want to show that you're genuine and will take the time to meet people without being pushy. Oh yeh, that reminds me of my final point: if they don't reply, obviously just move on. One last thing... I've had some girls reply with interest but not having wanted to go on a date straight away, which is fine. It's up to you how you handle that situation. I tend to communicate for a while, but end it swiftly if I don't see any progression. I see the e-mail as a test really: if they're not willing to meet up within a few exchanges, I start wondering what they're going to be like in a real relationship. I could be wrong and it isn't 100% fool proof, but it's the best method I've found so far. In fact, the relationship I just came out of was with a girl I met on match.com and I used the same approach with her. She did contact me first, but we went on a date within two days of first contact and had a great relationship for the first 8 months.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Yes, it would be a subject to talk about in future dates where you have the time to discuss those things more in depth. But to put them in the first couple of Emails is not a good plan, IMO. I think it's best to project an image of someone that is interested in doing fun things. The goal is to get the date. Too long, drawn out Emails discussing topics in depth to begin with is not a good plan. That is something to be done in measured doses over time on dates. People tend to get bored with someone that is too serious right from the start. Well perhaps those things should be left out of profiles then, because if you list any books you've read then you must be "boring".
KathyM Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 You were blunt with me too. Kathy, I like how you give it to us straight. Well, I try to be helpful. That's why I'm here, but I better go try to get some work done. Have a good day.
LittleTiger Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I don't understand why everybody seems to overanalyse online dating. Just be yourself. Write your profile in a way that makes you sound really happy and positive, with lots going for you, put up some great photos and then just let it happen. Everybody is different and we're all looking for different things. One man's meat and all that. We all have to deal with rejection in many areas of our lives, c'est la vie! Don't take it too seriously and don't expect too much. He/she is out there somewhere - it just takes a bit of time to find them.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I don't message girls that aren't active, they range from "replies frequently" to "replies very selectively" which is a misleading label anyway because if they're ignoring the messages that say "hey what's up" then they're probably at least somewhat selective. And as far as whether they're in my league, I usually have someone independently verify that I wasn't unreasonable in who I was shooting for. Maybe they were being dishonest but I wasn't aiming for supermodels I know that much. Don't count on girls who reply selectively messaging you back. It doesn't hurt to try with them, but seriously, they probably respond to hardly anyone. I've been on your side of things before. I'm bisexual, so I've hit on women and while it doesn't hurt to message the ones who are very selective, just don't be upset when you get no response from them because that's very likely to happen.
Dblock10 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 throw it in. have you seen the ratios of guys to girls on those things. then the ratio of good loooking guys to average to below average girls. this means the attractive ones will get every guy contacting them. and unless you are roided up or brad pitt, no chance. however... my tip if you do do online dating. is to be extremely quirky. what ever your so called instinct tells you to do, do the opposite. it worked for me and i got close to very hot girls when i did it for a while.
oaks Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 What are your thoughts? Should I just walk away and give it up? There's a range of advice in this thread already, and naturally some of it contradicts other bits. Hopefully you'll be able to take something from it. Don't give up. Update your profile if you get some advice you like about how to improve it, and then take a break for a couple of weeks in which you don't log in (unless you get a message!). Then go back, re-read your new profile, and get back to sending some messages.
grkBoy Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I don't understand why everybody seems to overanalyse online dating. I agree. There's been way too much time spent on everyone looking for some "magical no-fail solution" that guarantees the person will end up dating the other...or some seeking some hidden gem of a site where all the hot people who want average folk exist. It's all ridiculous because in many cases online dating is simply a scam to get men to join and pay money. I've seen some people succeed in OD, but too many more just go offline, live their lives, and find someone. If it was an ideal solution, then we would see more happy couples, not loads of singles who can't find anyone and more people who still see it as the "place for losers", or even the sites themselves not attempting to make themselves appear like they're full of great singles who want to meet...when those people made free profiles and never came back. Just be yourself. Write your profile in a way that makes you sound really happy and positive, with lots going for you, put up some great photos and then just let it happen. Everybody is different and we're all looking for different things. One man's meat and all that. We all have to deal with rejection in many areas of our lives, c'est la vie! Don't take it too seriously and don't expect too much. He/she is out there somewhere - it just takes a bit of time to find them. I agree, but I also think going offline at the same time is another solution. I think men and women will make OD a better place when they stop thinking there's a fashion model and a wealthy athlete around every corner for them. When they accept the dating pool that's available to them and willingly choose to be alone or select from the pool. I see more people connect offline, when these very same people would never have connected online. Friends who rejected loads of plan janes and average joes online, but they end up dating one they meet in real life.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) I've PM'd you. Hope it helps. Thank you so much, you pointed out a piece of my profile that I didn't know existed and it basically tells everyone that more arrogant and more sexually driven than most people on the site which I'm sure it a huge turnoff for people. It says it determines that based on the answer to my questions, but looking back I answered those questions 2 years ago and they in no way describe who I am. I went back and re-answered many of them. Does anyone know how long it takes for that to take effect and change on my profile? Edited July 25, 2011 by GivenUp0083
delilah123 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I'd say typically I write something like this: "Hey, how was Atlas Shrugged? (she mentioned it as a book she read recently) I've been wanting to read it but I'm working on two different books right now and I want to finish those before I start 1000 page book like Atlas. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the book as I've heard many good things. I feel we have a bit in common, especially about playing sports with friends and being active. I haven't been snowboarding in a while due to knee surgery a year ago, but I'm looking forward to some ski trips with friends this coming winter. What's the best place you've been snowboarding? I notice you like to golf, can you teach someone how to golf without ruining their baseball swing? ;-)" this sounds so lame to me. i ignore emails liek this unless the guy is really really cute and worth a second chnace, even then i suddenly find him way less cute after reading email like this. i don't want to date me, i already have a me, so tell me what you are like. it seems boring and unimagitive to rewrite my profile in an email pointing out how awesome you are for liking all the same things as me. i don't want a partner who likes everything i like and i don't want to email someone who sounds like they are just saying whatever to please me. if you really liked all the things i liked, it'd be on your profile. i just prefer short messages, chat about your day at work or something. the email you sent doesn't sound free flowing or like it would be a normal conversation, it sounds way too thought about. which i understand is nice, you've thought about it, but at the same time, it just seems deserperate to me?
Author GivenUp0083 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 this sounds so lame to me. i ignore emails liek this unless the guy is really really cute and worth a second chnace, even then i suddenly find him way less cute after reading email like this. i don't want to date me, i already have a me, so tell me what you are like. it seems boring and unimagitive to rewrite my profile in an email pointing out how awesome you are for liking all the same things as me. i don't want a partner who likes everything i like and i don't want to email someone who sounds like they are just saying whatever to please me. if you really liked all the things i liked, it'd be on your profile. i just prefer short messages, chat about your day at work or something. the email you sent doesn't sound free flowing or like it would be a normal conversation, it sounds way too thought about. which i understand is nice, you've thought about it, but at the same time, it just seems deserperate to me? I'm sorry if this is really how you think.
delilah123 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Why are you sorry? I have an amazing guy right now and when I was online dating I had plenty of opportunities for dates and the dates I did go on the guy was good looking and friendly. I offered a reason why girls wouldn't respond. If the OP (or anyone else) thinks that my reasons are rubbish that's fine, it doesn't mean he'll get more responses, just means he is lucky I didn't respond because he obviously wouldn't like me. I love real nice guys, don't get me wrong, my current man is the most compassionate, thoughtful and selfless person I know, but he also knows what he wants, and doesn't faff about with girls.
delilah123 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 How can a first email be free flowing when there is no dialogue? The second email can be free flowing. He talked about himself and asked a couple questions of her. What is so bad about that? It's typical to look for similarities early on. There will be differences because everyone is different. This is why I've had it up to here with dating. People make an effort and it ends up being worse than nothing. I guess I'm lame too. This was one of the best first emails I got and we had a few dates: "hey thanks for the kiss [rsvp - it's paid to send emails, but you can send a kiss for free, i sent him a kiss as I don't pay for the site ]..heres my no. ______ if you wanna text or chat sometime that would be cool and my email is ________. hows your weekend going? its freezing outside tonight! Talk soon Bill x - it was short, to the point, he was interested and that was all I needed to know, i sent him an email back telling him how i hated winter and we sent a few txt messages the next day about our weekends etc until we met up.
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