GivenUp0083 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I've done online dating for a quite a while and I've had a couple relationships result from them. I used match.com for a full year, but my last relationship I found her on OKCupid. I just recently started making an effort on OKCupid and I'm disappointed with the results. I've had many review my profile, I've tweaked it a couple times, I have good pictures, people have told me I'm fairly attractive (though I'm not tall, only 5'8"). I read their profiles, I send emails commenting on specific things the women mentioned, I point out common interests, and I ask them a few questions about themselves. I've sent out about 50 emails in the last couple weeks to women that I was rated 80% match or higher with and I only got 1 response, in which she didn't respond to my second email. I'm really ready to just give it up. I won't go back to paying money for this as I just feel like it's not worth it. I remember online dating being hard and I know women get a lot of emails, but I don't remember getting ZERO possibilities from it like I am now. What are your thoughts? Should I just walk away and give it up? I've been meeting people outside of the online dating world and got a couple phone numbers but they never returned my call either so I deleted them. I know it's a numbers game and I should just keep at it, but I have to admit: it's getting really hard to stay optimistic. I don't remember ever having so much trouble before.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Yup, I'm pretty much in the same spot you are. I haven't gotten a response since early March (and that girl deleted her profile shortly afterwards). I don't if I would walk away. But certainly put much less stock in it.
temporaryvisa Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Hey--Can I see your profile? I can help make it really good! I am good with profiles, I think...I want to see your photos, too. If that's cool!
Imajerk17 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I've gone through periods when I would send out 20 emails and not get a single response. And then I would send 10 and 5 would write me back. And these 10 were at least as "high quality" as the previous 20. Where are you meeting women in real life? How do your interactions go?
Imajerk17 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) It would help if you would give us some samples of your "first emails" that way we could critique. It would definitely help if you would post your profile too. You can PM me your profile and I would be happy to comment, if posting it on here is too much exposure for you. Also, you could post the text without the pictures too. Edited July 25, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author GivenUp0083 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 It would help if you would give us some samples of your "first emails" that way we could critique. It would definitely help if you would post your profile too. You can PM me your profile and I would be happy to comment, if posting it on here is too much exposure for you. Also, you could post the text without the pictures too. I'd say typically I write something like this: "Hey, how was Atlas Shrugged? (she mentioned it as a book she read recently) I've been wanting to read it but I'm working on two different books right now and I want to finish those before I start 1000 page book like Atlas. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the book as I've heard many good things. I feel we have a bit in common, especially about playing sports with friends and being active. I haven't been snowboarding in a while due to knee surgery a year ago, but I'm looking forward to some ski trips with friends this coming winter. What's the best place you've been snowboarding? I notice you like to golf, can you teach someone how to golf without ruining their baseball swing? ;-)"
Philosoraptor Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I stopped messaging gals on dating sites, I let them message me and I've been pretty successful. I just made my profile nice and made myself approachable. But I do tend to get a good deal from gals Im not attracted to, but plenty of good ones as well. "Fat chicks need love too... but they gotta pay!"
Imajerk17 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) I'd say typically I write something like this: "Hey, how was Atlas Shrugged? (she mentioned it as a book she read recently) I've been wanting to read it but I'm working on two different books right now and I want to finish those before I start 1000 page book like Atlas. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the book as I've heard many good things. I feel we have a bit in common, especially about playing sports with friends and being active. I haven't been snowboarding in a while due to knee surgery a year ago, but I'm looking forward to some ski trips with friends this coming winter. What's the best place you've been snowboarding? I notice you like to golf, can you teach someone how to golf without ruining their baseball swing? ;-)" 1. Too long. Choppy too. A bunch of thoughts grouped into one run-on paragraph. 2. The email screams Nice Guy. You ask her two boring questions. You also reveal too much about yourself before she "earned" it, by (yes) writing you back. 3. You try to sell yourself about playing sports. Let her check out your profile and see for herself. 4. Emoticons are effeminate. Use them only if you say something really edgy and you want to avoid coming across as a jerk. My email would be: Subject: Atlas is shrugging and pondering.... You say you like to play sports--there is no way that you can play softball and still have a decent golf swing, unless you have crazy skills or something. If you do though, I am impressed... So where is your favorite place to go snowboarding? Jerk Edited July 25, 2011 by Imajerk17
Imajerk17 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 There's no way I'd talk that to a stranger. Maybe I just don't get it. Maybe that's why I'm still single. Ughhh yeah....
irc333 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Very silly advice, on the emoticons No offense, but if you're going to dig THAT deep into interpreting emoticons as you did....you need to get out more. LOL Keep using your emoticons per normal, because they really don't matter much. Sometimes I don't even notice that they are there when someone sends me an email. Or if someone READS into emoticons in such a manner, they need to get out more, too. 1. Too long. Choppy too. A bunch of thoughts grouped into one run-on paragraph. 2. The email screams Nice Guy. You ask her two boring questions. You also reveal too much about yourself before she "earned" it, by (yes) writing you back. 3. You try to sell yourself about playing sports. Let her check out your profile and see for herself. 4. Emoticons are effeminate. Use them only if you say something really edgy and you want to avoid coming across as a jerk. My email would be: Subject: Atlas is shrugging and pondering.... You say you like to play sports--there is no way that you can play softball and still have a decent golf swing, unless you have crazy skills or something. If you do though, I am impressed... So where is your favorite place to go snowboarding? Jerk
LittleTiger Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I'd say typically I write something like this: "Hey, how was Atlas Shrugged? (she mentioned it as a book she read recently) I've been wanting to read it but I'm working on two different books right now and I want to finish those before I start 1000 page book like Atlas. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the book as I've heard many good things. I feel we have a bit in common, especially about playing sports with friends and being active. I haven't been snowboarding in a while due to knee surgery a year ago, but I'm looking forward to some ski trips with friends this coming winter. What's the best place you've been snowboarding? I notice you like to golf, can you teach someone how to golf without ruining their baseball swing? ;-)" If you'd like some advice from a woman (rather than a guy who calls himself a 'jerk'), I think what you've written here is very good and the kind of message that would certainly get a response from me. If you broke it up in to paragraphs (which you may have when you sent it?) it would be pretty much perfect. I hate it when guys pretend to be macho or write next to nothing in a message - to me it shows they have no real interest and are just keeping it short so they don't waste time while they email 100 other girls. It's difficult to say why you're not getting any responses without seeing what you've actually written on your profile page. Some guys are good at writing messages but when you check out their profile, even if their photos are good, something they've written, or even the way they've written it is a turn off.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 If you'd like some advice from a woman (rather than a guy who calls himself a 'jerk'), I think what you've written here is very good and the kind of message that would certainly get a response from me. If you broke it up in to paragraphs (which you may have when you sent it?) it would be pretty much perfect. I hate it when guys pretend to be macho or write next to nothing in a message - to me it shows they have no real interest and are just keeping it short so they don't waste time while they email 100 other girls. It's difficult to say why you're not getting any responses without seeing what you've actually written on your profile page. Some guys are good at writing messages but when you check out their profile, even if their photos are good, something they've written, or even the way they've written it is a turn off. Thanks for the insight. I always figured that I wrote good emails, I have to write compelling emails for work every day as I work in sales. I'm not going to over-analyze my messages too much like others do, but I try to be grammatically correct and just try to make good conversation. If they don't bite then I don't necessarily think of it as a reflection on me, but more on them. One thing I do notice: women I've emailed typically look at my profile the day of and don't respond. Then, as more days pass, they keep looking at my profile more times, the same 4-5 women keep checking out my profile every few days yet they won't write me back. It's a free site so it's not like they have to pay to message me. I don't get it. I guess I'm baffled.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Thanks for the insight. I always figured that I wrote good emails, I have to write compelling emails for work every day as I work in sales. I'm not going to over-analyze my messages too much like others do, but I try to be grammatically correct and just try to make good conversation. If they don't bite then I don't necessarily think of it as a reflection on me, but more on them. One thing I do notice: women I've emailed typically look at my profile the day of and don't respond. Then, as more days pass, they keep looking at my profile more times, the same 4-5 women keep checking out my profile every few days yet they won't write me back. It's a free site so it's not like they have to pay to message me. I don't get it. I guess I'm baffled. Again, same here. Except they don't continually check out my profile, usually it's just the day of and then 1-2 more times after that.
LittleTiger Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 They will check out your profile several times if you're above average looking, but may not respond based on what you've written. Care to share what your profile page says? It could be where the problem lies.
grkBoy Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 What are your thoughts? Should I just walk away and give it up? I've been meeting people outside of the online dating world and got a couple phone numbers but they never returned my call either so I deleted them. I know it's a numbers game and I should just keep at it, but I have to admit: it's getting really hard to stay optimistic. I don't remember ever having so much trouble before. For someone who has had success with online dating before, you more than anyone else should know it's a patience game. 100 girls might think you're bland, "ok", ugly, boring, whatever...but yet then one will think you seem sweet and cute, and taker a chance. I've done online dating twice in my life, and I did the same. I tried to write a good profile, read articles on how, wrote personalized emails, and tried to do all the things the "experts" stated I should do. In the end, I sent out loads of emails and barely got any result. Just one first date with a girl I didn't feel any chemistry with. Let's be brutally honest, in online dating, women are somewhat in the advantage point...especially the hot to average women. I know many women can chime in and claim otherwise, but for most of the women men in general will find "desirable" (hot and average women...don't believe what the media shows you), they'll get a plethora of emails in their inboxes from guys who might read their profiles, but mostly feel they won't be browsing the site for men, but browsing their inboxes. Reverse it...imagine you get loads of emails from women ranging from "hot" to "fugly". You go into your inbox and see loads of emails, especially ones linking to bad profiles or emails themselves that are terribly written or just plain stupid. Are you going to then just decide to reply to everyone? Or pick and choose what you think are the best? This is what women go through, and when they get hit with a lot of choice, they can be selective. It's like an HR person who needs one person for a job, but has 20 qualified people. So he/she has to look for even the silliest things to use as a reason to knock someone off the list. GivenUp0083, I think you're email is ok, but it sounds like the typical email I'm sure this girl gets about 20-30 times a week. You should not have mentioned the Atlas book unless you were reading it. The way you asked about it and claimed that you're going to read it comes off to the girl as if you're pretending to like it or be into it in the hopes of connecting with her. If you're going to talk about a book, you should mention a character, something in it specific, a plot twist. Show her you read it and you're not just pretending to like what she likes in the hope of a date. I'm sure most women here will attest to guys who pretend to like everything she does in a desperate hope to get a date. NOW...I know you're in the middle of two books and haven't gotten to it yet. My suggestion if you wanted to go the book route would be to talk about a book you just read and tell her she needs to check it out. Shows her you read, are into literature, a good book, and thus can hold a conversation. I agree with Imajerk17 in playing the sports route. Again you should get more specific. If she's into golf and softball, and you do that too...don't just say you're into what she's into. Makes you sound like an agreeable puppy dog doormat. Talk about how you shot a great game last week at some course, or how you like to play softball every week with your company. If you guys suck, make a joke of it...like saying the Bad News Bears would probably kick your butts. I don't agree on Imajerk's view on the emoticons thing, only because I feel a man shouldn't have to constantly defend his masculinity or keep some stone front to look manly to a woman. If she's ready to drop you in a heartbeat because you dared show any playful or sensitive sides...then she's not worth dealing with. Seriously. Any girl I've seen who's been a hardcore "judge" of masculinity seems to also be the type that constantly ends up with jerks or they complain how their boyfriends won't show emotion. They dig their own hole. I liked how Imajerk did make the joke on softball and golf. It would show the girl you're a serious sport player and thus not pretending to like golf and softball to win her favor. I would have gone further though and mention the last place you went boarding. If you messed up your knee in that, mention it...so she knows you are "rough around the edges." Hope this helps. Just be patient, try to get more specific and show the girls in question you are authentic in your likes, and paint a small picture of you so they get to know a bit of you in the email. Women love guys who have personal lives and do things. My GF was totally turned on when she saw I did things...go to art shows, cook, learn to do better web work, travel, shoot photos, etc. If you have a life, show it off. If you don't have a life, then get offline and get away from dating a little bit and build a life. BALANCE...that's the key.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) They will check out your profile several times if you're above average looking, but may not respond based on what you've written. Care to share what your profile page says? It could be where the problem lies. I can't access certain sites at work, but I have an acct on OKCupid. I'll PM you my profile name but I'm not copy/pasting my whole profile on this thread. Also, I've had numerous people critique and review my profile and they say it's good and there aren't any red flags. Maybe I'm just not want women in their late 20'/early 30's are looking for in Chicago... Edited July 25, 2011 by GivenUp0083
Author GivenUp0083 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 For someone who has had success with online dating before, you more than anyone else should know it's a patience game. 100 girls might think you're bland, "ok", ugly, boring, whatever...but yet then one will think you seem sweet and cute, and taker a chance. I've done online dating twice in my life, and I did the same. I tried to write a good profile, read articles on how, wrote personalized emails, and tried to do all the things the "experts" stated I should do. In the end, I sent out loads of emails and barely got any result. Just one first date with a girl I didn't feel any chemistry with. Let's be brutally honest, in online dating, women are somewhat in the advantage point...especially the hot to average women. I know many women can chime in and claim otherwise, but for most of the women men in general will find "desirable" (hot and average women...don't believe what the media shows you), they'll get a plethora of emails in their inboxes from guys who might read their profiles, but mostly feel they won't be browsing the site for men, but browsing their inboxes. Reverse it...imagine you get loads of emails from women ranging from "hot" to "fugly". You go into your inbox and see loads of emails, especially ones linking to bad profiles or emails themselves that are terribly written or just plain stupid. Are you going to then just decide to reply to everyone? Or pick and choose what you think are the best? This is what women go through, and when they get hit with a lot of choice, they can be selective. It's like an HR person who needs one person for a job, but has 20 qualified people. So he/she has to look for even the silliest things to use as a reason to knock someone off the list. GivenUp0083, I think you're email is ok, but it sounds like the typical email I'm sure this girl gets about 20-30 times a week. You should not have mentioned the Atlas book unless you were reading it. The way you asked about it and claimed that you're going to read it comes off to the girl as if you're pretending to like it or be into it in the hopes of connecting with her. If you're going to talk about a book, you should mention a character, something in it specific, a plot twist. Show her you read it and you're not just pretending to like what she likes in the hope of a date. I'm sure most women here will attest to guys who pretend to like everything she does in a desperate hope to get a date. NOW...I know you're in the middle of two books and haven't gotten to it yet. My suggestion if you wanted to go the book route would be to talk about a book you just read and tell her she needs to check it out. Shows her you read, are into literature, a good book, and thus can hold a conversation. I agree with Imajerk17 in playing the sports route. Again you should get more specific. If she's into golf and softball, and you do that too...don't just say you're into what she's into. Makes you sound like an agreeable puppy dog doormat. Talk about how you shot a great game last week at some course, or how you like to play softball every week with your company. If you guys suck, make a joke of it...like saying the Bad News Bears would probably kick your butts. I don't agree on Imajerk's view on the emoticons thing, only because I feel a man shouldn't have to constantly defend his masculinity or keep some stone front to look manly to a woman. If she's ready to drop you in a heartbeat because you dared show any playful or sensitive sides...then she's not worth dealing with. Seriously. Any girl I've seen who's been a hardcore "judge" of masculinity seems to also be the type that constantly ends up with jerks or they complain how their boyfriends won't show emotion. They dig their own hole. I liked how Imajerk did make the joke on softball and golf. It would show the girl you're a serious sport player and thus not pretending to like golf and softball to win her favor. I would have gone further though and mention the last place you went boarding. If you messed up your knee in that, mention it...so she knows you are "rough around the edges." Hope this helps. Just be patient, try to get more specific and show the girls in question you are authentic in your likes, and paint a small picture of you so they get to know a bit of you in the email. Women love guys who have personal lives and do things. My GF was totally turned on when she saw I did things...go to art shows, cook, learn to do better web work, travel, shoot photos, etc. If you have a life, show it off. If you don't have a life, then get offline and get away from dating a little bit and build a life. BALANCE...that's the key. I appreciate the feedback, but this is exactly why I think I'm ready to be done. Your opinion, though valid, is different than many others who have reviewed my emails and profile. I just can't please everyone, nor do I want to try. The amount of thought you've put into this when I read halfway through this post already turned me off. I really don't give a flying eff if a simple first message to her makes me seem like a doormat because I asked a question or worded a statement a certain way. I realize the justification for twisting our own words to "not seem that way or this way", but honestly it's disgusting. I'm someone who is true to himself and I'll do what comes natural. If writing a friendly email and being honest while just trying to spark a simple conversation has to be over thought on the level that you and Imajerk are suggesting then I want no part. I typically have done many of the things you suggested in your email about being specific to book characters or joking about sports......none of it makes a difference. It's too much mental brain power to review my own emails before I send them out, think of them from HER point of view, then make sure I don't sound like a doormat by changing my words and phrases around as if to pull some magic trick in front of her screen. Not gonna do it. If this level of effort is really what it takes to increase my response rate by 1% then I'd rather just take down my profile and say to hell with it.
irc333 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Right, and once you say decide to take people's advice and "tweak" what they suggested....some other critic will suggest you change it back.
LittleTiger Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I can't access certain sites at work, but I have an acct on OKCupid. I'll PM you my profile name but I'm not copy/pasting my whole profile on this thread. Also, I've had numerous people critique and review my profile and they say it's good and there aren't any red flags. Maybe I'm just not want women in their late 20'/early 30's are looking for in Chicago... I'm happy to look at your profile if you want to PM me. Just checking, but if you're looking for women in their late 20s/early 30s, I assume you're not older than 40? And whatever age you are, I would recommend you don't 'advertise' for women who are more than 10 years younger at the lower end and who are least your age if not a couple of years older at the top end. A guy who says he's 35 and is looking for 18 to 25 year olds (or similar), just looks like a jerk.
grkBoy Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I appreciate the feedback, but this is exactly why I think I'm ready to be done. Your opinion, though valid, is different than many others who have reviewed my emails and profile. I just can't please everyone, nor do I want to try. The amount of thought you've put into this when I read halfway through this post already turned me off. I really don't give a flying eff if a simple first message to her makes me seem like a doormat because I asked a question or worded a statement a certain way. I realize the justification for twisting our own words to "not seem that way or this way", but honestly it's disgusting. I'm someone who is true to himself and I'll do what comes natural. If writing a friendly email and being honest while just trying to spark a simple conversation has to be over thought on the level that you and Imajerk are suggesting then I want no part. I typically have done many of the things you suggested in your email about being specific to book characters or joking about sports......none of it makes a difference. It's too much mental brain power to review my own emails before I send them out, think of them from HER point of view, then make sure I don't sound like a doormat by changing my words and phrases around as if to pull some magic trick in front of her screen. Not gonna do it. If this level of effort is really what it takes to increase my response rate by 1% then I'd rather just take down my profile and say to hell with it. Then take your profile down. Seriously. You sound like how I was. Take your profile down, lose yourself for a while in family, friends, hobbies, work, etc...and just stop worrying about dating. Free yourself of the pressure you're putting on yourself. Go have fun in your life and stop worrying about women. Maybe the right one will see you having fun in this world and being carefree, and want to know you more. My suggestions were simply about trying to sound genuine and not like the dozen other emails these women get. In all honesty, I agree online dating sucks and I'd rather be alone in life than try it again...but you seemingly want to try it and have had success in the past. So I just wanted to help guide you in a better direction. I guess I can't speak much because I never had any success in online dating. I met my GF through friends, which is why I push people to be open and have good social capital. It's astounding to me how many people have little real social capital but lament on how they can't meet anyone. I'm not speaking of you personally because I don't know you, but more for the guys who have very few or no friends, and the women who seemingly hide in their cliques until they wake up one morning as the last single girl in the group...all their friends are married, settled down, had kids, and have no single men to introduce to her. For now, close up the accounts. Go have some fun in your life. Go play golf, softball, read a good book in a cafe, take a trip alone someplace you always wanted to see. Take your life back. Stop worrying about dating and putting pressure on yourself.
Art_Critic Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 What is your age and what is the age group that your profile says you are looking for ? If you are 40 and looking for 18-28 year olds well don't expect a lot of replies. If you are 40 and have your profile to say you are looking for 35-45 then you will get more replies.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 I'm happy to look at your profile if you want to PM me. Just checking, but if you're looking for women in their late 20s/early 30s, I assume you're not older than 40? And whatever age you are, I would recommend you don't 'advertise' for women who are more than 10 years younger at the lower end and who are least your age if not a couple of years older at the top end. A guy who says he's 35 and is looking for 18 to 25 year olds (or similar), just looks like a jerk. I PM'd you my profile name. I'm 28 years old, I'm willing to date someone within 5 years of my age (younger or older), but I'm open minded if there's a really good connection. The problem, is I don't get responses, so it's not like I have to be flexible because there's nothing to work with, lol
Author GivenUp0083 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 Then take your profile down. Seriously. You sound like how I was. Take your profile down, lose yourself for a while in family, friends, hobbies, work, etc...and just stop worrying about dating. Free yourself of the pressure you're putting on yourself. Go have fun in your life and stop worrying about women. Maybe the right one will see you having fun in this world and being carefree, and want to know you more. My suggestions were simply about trying to sound genuine and not like the dozen other emails these women get. In all honesty, I agree online dating sucks and I'd rather be alone in life than try it again...but you seemingly want to try it and have had success in the past. So I just wanted to help guide you in a better direction. I guess I can't speak much because I never had any success in online dating. I met my GF through friends, which is why I push people to be open and have good social capital. It's astounding to me how many people have little real social capital but lament on how they can't meet anyone. I'm not speaking of you personally because I don't know you, but more for the guys who have very few or no friends, and the women who seemingly hide in their cliques until they wake up one morning as the last single girl in the group...all their friends are married, settled down, had kids, and have no single men to introduce to her. For now, close up the accounts. Go have some fun in your life. Go play golf, softball, read a good book in a cafe, take a trip alone someplace you always wanted to see. Take your life back. Stop worrying about dating and putting pressure on yourself. I'm sorry if I sounded cross with you, I'm just disgusted with the process. It's hard to meet "nice girls" in my daily life. My environment in work and social situations really don't have many women whom one would consider "marriage material" they meet on a regular basis, and it seems I'm at the age now where the good women I do click with and connect with all have boyfriends or husbands. Sometimes I feel like I have had the worst luck in the world. I did close the account for a long time and I did many things to just have fun, enjoy time with friends and family, I worked out a lot and lost 25 lbs, I focused on my job more....but I'd like to at least be able to meet women and potentially go on dates. I'm ready for that again, but it's not there for me. I've always been able to go after and get what I want in life and I'm very committed and persistent in things I do, but dating is something I feel helpess with, I have no control at all. I really think I should just quit. It's not worth my time and it just puts a bad taste in my mouth.
grkBoy Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I'm sorry if I sounded cross with you, I'm just disgusted with the process. It's hard to meet "nice girls" in my daily life. My environment in work and social situations really don't have many women whom one would consider "marriage material" they meet on a regular basis, and it seems I'm at the age now where the good women I do click with and connect with all have boyfriends or husbands. Sometimes I feel like I have had the worst luck in the world. I did close the account for a long time and I did many things to just have fun, enjoy time with friends and family, I worked out a lot and lost 25 lbs, I focused on my job more....but I'd like to at least be able to meet women and potentially go on dates. I'm ready for that again, but it's not there for me. I've always been able to go after and get what I want in life and I'm very committed and persistent in things I do, but dating is something I feel helpess with, I have no control at all. I really think I should just quit. It's not worth my time and it just puts a bad taste in my mouth. I didn't think you were cross with me. Showing those emoticons to bring out my sensitive side. Anyway, your rationale here is all the more reason to shut the profiles down and either take a total break from the dating thing, or explore new avenues and your life to find other possibilities. I'll be honest, I was very fed up like you seem right now. My past history was being the nice guy who was always passed up while the women around me consistently pursued narcissistic jerks and bad boys, somehow hoping to "beat the odds" and land themselves a trophy husband. It bugged me when women complained about not being able to meet "decent men" when I tried my hardest to be a decent man. A female friend of mine once told me my biggest problems was that I was seeking out an "it" girl as she liked to call them, and I put way too much pressure on myself to "find someone". She used to push me to really seek out what I wanted in someone and to ask "why do I want someone?" When I got burned by yet another girl who started off really into me, but then decided I wasn't "bad" enough for her, I was angry, frustrated, and had enough. I came to the conclusion that dating was a very terrible experience for me, and every time I try dating someone I ended up getting hurt. I wasn't into casual sex, so picking up randoms to bang wasn't my thing. My decision came to me when I decided that if dating was going to always turn out as a negative, then I'd stop. I wasn't bitter after that, but actually felt liberated. I started thinking about "the rest of my life" in a different manner. I thought about travel, hobbies, moving up in my job, and having money to spend on me as opposed to a wife and kids like others. I felt I'll never end up burned and divorced, but probably be alone at times...yet still get the envy of colleagues who see I'm very free. Of course, the gal pals all then thought I was making a mistake and spoke highly of how I'm such a "great guy" and how some girl would be "so lucky to have me", although you notice the ONLY ones who say that are the girls in relationships. Single women won't say it because it then hits them in the face when they claim there's no decent men. "Well, if grkboy is such a decent guy, then why don't you date him?" This is why you don't see me give sympathy to the girls who continue to be their own obstacles to finding a good man. So I might have met a wonderful girl years ago and it all changed, but I'll be honest...my GF could flake out on me today and run for the hills, or I might not have ever met her...and I would have CHOSEN to be happy in my life. I would have worked to make myself happy in life. I know "stuff" and hobbies and trips and such won't fulfill what a solid love will, but it's better than sitting at home feeling miserable. With the grand mess dating has become and women still holding the bar way too high for men, it's pointless to kill yourself anymore on this. Let the hard choices hit them when we see a generation of women lamenting on the "lack of decent men" or running to the sperm bank to have kids. Let the "20%" who are getting laid easily make the babies and abandon them, just make sure the other "80%" isn't taking care of them. Own your life...that's all I ever say men and women should do. I spent so much time in my life worrying to death about finding someone that I had to finally stop and smell the roses. It's when you're not looking that someone comes...and that's how it's always been for me, even the flakes who never lasted long. I said it before, women are attracted to men who exude confidence, are happy with themselves, and have lives. That's why a lot of the "bad men" get the girls. Go find yourself, make yourself happy, forget about the other crap. Think every day about what will please you and no one else. Be happy for what you have and let a woman who DESERVES YOU come along. Chances are when that happens, she'll be someone you also deserved. Might sound easy in words, but the moment you and others liberate yourself from the pressure, the world becomes a beautiful place.
zengirl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Thanks for the insight. I always figured that I wrote good emails, I have to write compelling emails for work every day as I work in sales. I'm not going to over-analyze my messages too much like others do, but I try to be grammatically correct and just try to make good conversation. If they don't bite then I don't necessarily think of it as a reflection on me, but more on them. One thing I do notice: women I've emailed typically look at my profile the day of and don't respond. Then, as more days pass, they keep looking at my profile more times, the same 4-5 women keep checking out my profile every few days yet they won't write me back. It's a free site so it's not like they have to pay to message me. I don't get it. I guess I'm baffled. That tells me, it's not the message that is the issue. It's either how you look or what's on your profile. Some girls won't message back anyway (they're preoccupied with someone else, whatever) but if it's consistent, I'd look more at the profile than the messages. That said, the best way to date is circuit dating---meeting and being open to meeting people in a variety of places and ways, on and offline.
Recommended Posts