adover27 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 For the last several months I've been involved in what I guess I'd describe as an EA/heavy flirtation with a man I work with. We are both M. Hit it off in a friendly way when we met, and quickly built up a comfortable rapport where we would joke, etc. He is a huge flirt. With everybody. He's also pretty much known as a great guy, so everyone thinks he's basically harmless, all talk, etc. That's what I thought so when our flirting started to get a little raunchy, I just attributed it to our similar personalities. While our flirting got heavier (including some phone sex 1x or 2x) he also started to confide in me about matters in his personal life, as friends do. I should say here that yes, I am very physically attracted to him. I feel a mutual attraction from him. I find it very exciting. This has been going on for maybe 8 months. In that time, we will not really talk for a few weeks here and there, at which time the excitement on my part dies down. He has been very hot and cold as well; maybe he is hot when things are bad at home and cold when they are good. Sometimes when I ignore him, he wants me and approaches me. Sometimes when I approach him, he cools off fast. Who knows. I went NC about 4 weeks ago; just decided that the cat & mouse bs was annoying, I'm not actively looking to screw up my life & marriage by having this continue & get physical. He would say hello to me, and I would respond but never initiate a conversation. So after a few weeks of the NC, we were at the gym one day after work and he came up to me and was telling me how great my body looks, and the week after that called and begged me to come over and see him bc his wife was out of town. I said no (though I have sexual fantasies about him often), and he continued to call me for about 2 weeks after that, just to chat, nothing sexual. I find myself all daydreamy again about him, hoping he'll call, but of course now he has pulled away again. Why am I allowing him to pull me back in? When I go NC (as much as I can with working with him) after maybe 2 weeks, I am fine, but as soon as he opens the door I melt. I'm afraid if this continues, we're going to end up in the wrong place at the wrong time, and this is going to escalate. But I want the friendship; I keep hoping if I go NC for long enough, maybe I can return to friendship level, though that is probably foolish of me to think.
bentnotbroken Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 You don't want a friendship, you want external validation. You want him to stroke your ego as much has he wants you to stroke his. If you don't want to go down the road you are on, you would end it in a way that leaves no doubt that you aren't available for his games, like...."if you persist in contacting me I will let my husband, your wife and HR know that you are harassing me." Since you want to play this game(your actions speak louder than words) you won't do that will you?
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 For the last several months I've been involved in what I guess I'd describe as an EA/heavy flirtation with a man I work with. We are both M. Hit it off in a friendly way when we met, and quickly built up a comfortable rapport where we would joke, etc. He is a huge flirt. With everybody. He's also pretty much known as a great guy, so everyone thinks he's basically harmless, all talk, etc. That's what I thought so when our flirting started to get a little raunchy, I just attributed it to our similar personalities. While our flirting got heavier (including some phone sex 1x or 2x) he also started to confide in me about matters in his personal life, as friends do. I should say here that yes, I am very physically attracted to him. I feel a mutual attraction from him. I find it very exciting. This has been going on for maybe 8 months. In that time, we will not really talk for a few weeks here and there, at which time the excitement on my part dies down. He has been very hot and cold as well; maybe he is hot when things are bad at home and cold when they are good. Sometimes when I ignore him, he wants me and approaches me. Sometimes when I approach him, he cools off fast. Who knows. I went NC about 4 weeks ago; just decided that the cat & mouse bs was annoying, I'm not actively looking to screw up my life & marriage by having this continue & get physical. He would say hello to me, and I would respond but never initiate a conversation. So after a few weeks of the NC, we were at the gym one day after work and he came up to me and was telling me how great my body looks, and the week after that called and begged me to come over and see him bc his wife was out of town. I said no (though I have sexual fantasies about him often), and he continued to call me for about 2 weeks after that, just to chat, nothing sexual. I find myself all daydreamy again about him, hoping he'll call, but of course now he has pulled away again. Why am I allowing him to pull me back in? When I go NC (as much as I can with working with him) after maybe 2 weeks, I am fine, but as soon as he opens the door I melt. I'm afraid if this continues, we're going to end up in the wrong place at the wrong time, and this is going to escalate. But I want the friendship; I keep hoping if I go NC for long enough, maybe I can return to friendship level, though that is probably foolish of me to think. How would you feel if your husband was doing what you're doing? Flirting and having sexual chats with another woman? Why do you letting another man get close to you when you already have a man at home? Why do you want the friendship, other than it feeds your ego, and you're getting something out of it (sexually emotional energy) and it's selfish? This man is NO friend and you are not his. It's a dangerous flirting game that is so close to turning into an affair, ON the expense of your husband and his wife and any kids that you all may have. STOP and think about why you are doing this! If you are unhappy at home, with your marriage, fix it! If you are insecure and feel the need to have attention from men, fix yourself! Either way to continue down this path when you're married and he's married IS asking for trouble and when it blows up, you'll have nobody to blame but yourself.
TurboGirl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Don't go there, please. Do you think you are the first lady that he has "flirted around with" or had phone sex with? () Probably not. Your little tidbits of encouragement have opened the door, and seriously, I suggest that you slam it shut. Yeah yeah yeah, he's attractive and he makes you feel good. That would last about 20 minutes, and after he's finished with you, you will not feel so great. This guy is NOT your friend and suggest that you be cool and no more chatting about anything personal. Not to mention that you work together! OMG! That is another can of worms entirely. Put up a wall...this guy is looking for easy prey.
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Ask yourself if losing what you have with your husband is worth losing over this? You have A LOT to lose. Your husband, your inlaws, the life as you know it now. The fall out will be huge. Is pissing away your marriage for a MM who gives you sexual flirting and attention worth it??? Again, you need to think about this and also put yourself in your H's shoes. If he was doing this behind your back, how would you feel?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) The cat and mouse is all part of the game and he is a professional. You can bet he's got more than one of these going on at the same time. Read the first and third post in this thread. There are men who make this a hobby. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t277489/ I would question whether he cheats because things are bad at home, or things are bad at home because he cheats! Don't be a fool, he counting on it. Edited July 25, 2011 by IfWishesWereHorses
spice4life Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Stop now before you get into deep! Right now you are a head of the game. If you keep the door open and flirt with him, you will be setting yourself up to cross a line that is hard to erase. The push and pull dynamic will get worse, you will begin to neglect your family and check out of your marriage and possibly end up with a D-Day that will blow your WHOLE world apart. If you are seeking some sort of outside validation, get into therapy and find out why you are letting your "ego" take the lead instead of your heart and mind. ASAP! You have a lot to lose and this guy is not going to be there for you to help pick up the pieces. He will most likely throw you under the bus and abandon you if this gets exposed. More importantly, you are already creating turmoil in your home by being preoccuppied and flirting with this guy. Your family is now competing for your love, affection and emotional support with this man. They have no idea there is an invisible person in the mix, but be rest assured, they can feel it. Is that what you want? For your family? Okay, I will step down off the soap box now. I just wanted to paint a realistic picture of what is most likely happening at home due to this EA. If you continue your self esteem is going to continue to plummit as well. Since you have already shown that you have the strength to go NC, then you should give yourself a pat on the back and stick to it. The road is dark and bleek if you don't. There is a lot of information on the Internet about what goes on inside the mind of a MM. From what you've written, this guy is very typical. One of the traits of a MM is that they enjoy the chase and will view your attempts at NC as a challenge and it will make him work harder to wear you down. Don't let him do it! Set a boundary and keep him out of your life, even as a friend because he is not a friend. View him more as a preditor who is putting your life as you know it and family at risk. Hope this helps.
Author adover27 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 I can't really say I disagree with anything that has been said. But in response to If WishesWereHorses and Spice4Life...maybe I am naive and since I am in the situation, I see it through a fog, but how are you so sure he is a "professional player?" Couldn't he feel how I do, attracted but conflicted, genuinely liking me as a person (friend) and obviously alarmed that he feels more we are married? Putting the inappropriate stuff aside, I liked him as a friend before I started to find him attractive. And no, it's not worth losing everything over. I have gone NC before and I am going to again. I just thought I had an actual friend and it's hurtful if it has all been one big game, as has been suggested here.
fooled once Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 You don't want a friendship, you want external validation. You want him to stroke your ego as much has he wants you to stroke his. If you don't want to go down the road you are on, you would end it in a way that leaves no doubt that you aren't available for his games, like...."if you persist in contacting me I will let my husband, your wife and HR know that you are harassing me." Since you want to play this game(your actions speak louder than words) you won't do that will you? I agree Don't go there, please. Do you think you are the first lady that he has "flirted around with" or had phone sex with? () Probably not. Your little tidbits of encouragement have opened the door, and seriously, I suggest that you slam it shut. Yeah yeah yeah, he's attractive and he makes you feel good. That would last about 20 minutes, and after he's finished with you, you will not feel so great. This guy is NOT your friend and suggest that you be cool and no more chatting about anything personal. Not to mention that you work together! OMG! That is another can of worms entirely. Put up a wall...this guy is looking for easy prey. I agree. He is playing a game, and so are you. Both of you have cheated on your spouses. How incredibly sad for them. I have to say I hope you both are found out and your spouses walk away to find someone who is deserving of their love and trust; because neither are you are behaving in a loving manner towards the person you are married to. Why oh why do people have "phone sex"??? What is the big allure of this? Do you really think this is sexy or a turn on? How can you look at your H after doing this? I think this is a game you two are playing and unfortunately, there are OTHER people who are going to get really really hurt
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I can't really say I disagree with anything that has been said. But in response to If WishesWereHorses and Spice4Life...maybe I am naive and since I am in the situation, I see it through a fog, but how are you so sure he is a "professional player?" Couldn't he feel how I do, attracted but conflicted, genuinely liking me as a person (friend) and obviously alarmed that he feels more we are married? Putting the inappropriate stuff aside, I liked him as a friend before I started to find him attractive. And no, it's not worth losing everything over. I have gone NC before and I am going to again. I just thought I had an actual friend and it's hurtful if it has all been one big game, as has been suggested here. Because of this, . He is a huge flirt. With everybody. He's also pretty much known as a great guy, so everyone thinks he's basically harmless, all talk, etc. That's what I thought so when our flirting started to get a little raunchy, I just attributed it to our similar personalities. And because of the cat and mouse. That's not conflict, it's game playing. You're projecting how you feel onto him.
Gentlegirl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 In every work place I have been, there has always been a guy who is "a great guy" and a big flirt. It's their "line". somewhere , sometime somebody will take the bait! Don't let it be you and mess up your marriage and your work. Consequences at work can be very serious and reuslt in you either losing your reputation or leaving your job. YOu know what could happen in your marriage. Gentlegirl
spice4life Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I can't really say I disagree with anything that has been said. But in response to If WishesWereHorses and Spice4Life...maybe I am naive and since I am in the situation, I see it through a fog, but how are you so sure he is a "professional player?" Couldn't he feel how I do, attracted but conflicted, genuinely liking me as a person (friend) and obviously alarmed that he feels more we are married? Putting the inappropriate stuff aside, I liked him as a friend before I started to find him attractive. And no, it's not worth losing everything over. I have gone NC before and I am going to again. I just thought I had an actual friend and it's hurtful if it has all been one big game, as has been suggested here. You are probably already hooked without even realizing it because you feel compelled to jump to his defense. It could be what you are saying, but then again maybe not. Of course it's hurtful to read that it may different than you really think. Many A's start out just like your story and once you are caught n the web, it can take years before you untangle yourself. You said that you didn't want to risk losing what you have right?
Challenger Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I don't find this to be a big surprise. All man and women have a natural sexual tention between them. Don't beat yourself up too much for being human. The reason why we devote ourselves to one person is because of the emotional affecttion we develop for that person. People will always have the need to be sexual with other people. It's our blessing and our curse. You have to decide what is most important to you and stick with that desision! It's not or never will be easy! Challenger
Silly_Girl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Why oh why do people have "phone sex"??? What is the big allure of this? Do you really think this is sexy or a turn on? There's not a 'big allure'. Most people are choosing it as well as, not instead of physical sex. It's just another side to being a person with a sexual nature. Have you never flirted with your hubby by text, or been apart due to work or obligations and got a little saucy on the phone because you fancy him and miss him? It can be quite a natural thing when the chemistry is there. A good sexual connection has many, many strands to it and phone sex can be one of them.
Dionysus Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Here's a question that you might want to ask yourself adover, why did you start flirting with this man and allow a more than platonic relationship to form in the first place? Let's see what the answer to this one is.
fooled once Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 There's not a 'big allure'. Most people are choosing it as well as, not instead of physical sex. It's just another side to being a person with a sexual nature. Have you never flirted with your hubby by text, or been apart due to work or obligations and got a little saucy on the phone because you fancy him and miss him? It can be quite a natural thing when the chemistry is there. A good sexual connection has many, many strands to it and phone sex can be one of them. One thing to flirt with my spouse, another thing to have phone sex with someone else's husband, to send dirty pictures to a married man, etc. I travel for work, as does he; we have no need for phone sex. Wonder what all you people would have done 15+ years ago when there were no cell phones to call and have phone sex with Maybe it is because by having an affair, you get minimal actual in person contact so the way you 'connect' is to have phone sex or send nudie pictures? No thanks, I'll take my man in person, not over a data/phone line.
Silly_Girl Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 One thing to flirt with my spouse, another thing to have phone sex with someone else's husband, to send dirty pictures to a married man, etc. I travel for work, as does he; we have no need for phone sex. Wonder what all you people would have done 15+ years ago when there were no cell phones to call and have phone sex with Maybe it is because by having an affair, you get minimal actual in person contact so the way you 'connect' is to have phone sex or send nudie pictures? No thanks, I'll take my man in person, not over a data/phone line. Each to their own. Some people are more sexually alert than others. Some relationships are more sexually attuned than others. Throw in a few (false) assumptions and you see the variation.
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